ARE YOU WEARING LENSES?

 

Are you wearing lenses?

To hide your sensual eyes

They don’t make you more

Beautiful, it’s just disguise

PICKUP # 20

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

“Hey I'm no photographer”

You can say to her

“But I think I can definitely

Picture us together”

PUT DOWN # 65

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

If he says “hey a thought just crossed my mind”

Give him a measured look and say

“So, a thought crossed your mind?

Well it must have been a long and lonely journey”.

THERE ARE MANY PIT FALLS

 

There are many pit falls

In the relationships game

Take same-sex marriage

Where sex is always the same

I HAVE AN UNUSUAL PHOBIA

 

I have an unusual phobia

Which people find strange

I hate new minted coins

But then I dislike all change

DID YOU KNOW THE REASON WHY

 

Did you know the reason why

Unattached women go to Wimbledon

It’s because they were told

There was a men's singles event on

I GET TOGETHER WITH MY GIRLFRIEND

 

I get together with my girlfriend

For some one to one time

Which is why I usually meet

Up with her at 12:59

I WAS INVITED TO A PRETENDERS GIG

 

I was invited to a Pretenders gig

And wasn’t sure how to react

I really like live music performance

But didn’t want to see a tribute act

I WAS DRINKING IN A BAR WHEN

 

I was drinking in a bar when

A Smurf walked into view

And the smiling bartender

Said 'hey man why so blue?'

MY WIFE WANTED TO GO AND SEE THE CURE

 

My wife wanted to go and see the Cure

And was surprised at my apprehension

Wondering why I didn’t want to see the Cure

I said I’d rather see the Prevention

ARE YOU WEARING A BALL GOWN?

 

Are you wearing a ball gown?

And it’s a designer one too

Well, you’re a bit over dressed

For feeding time at the zoo

MY DAD IS JUST LIKE A LAPTOP

 

My dad is just like a laptop,

If you interact with him and stop

And for ten minutes don’t make a peep

He will always go to sleep

I STILL FERVENTLY BELIEVE IN SAME SEX MARRIAGE

 

I still fervently believe in same sex marriage

Because there has been a disparity for gay people

Which in the 21st century is totally unacceptable

They deserve to be as miserable as straight people

I DON’T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT OBE STANDS FOR

 

I don’t know exactly what OBE stands for

It’s one of those honours list pleasantries

But it would seem that if you’ve got one

You were a child molester in the Seventies

I DON’T THINK ANY OF US CAN JUDGE IMMATURITY

 

I don’t think any of us can judge immaturity,

It’s from parenthood some prejudices stem

So, no one should be prevented from having kids,

But most shouldn’t be allowed to name them

MY UNCLE IS A GREAT CAT LOVER

 

My Uncle is a great cat lover

And he’s always been a smashing bloke

But after he came to visit, my cat

Is recovering from a massive stroke

LUCY LLAMA WAS HAPPILY SURPRISED

 

Lucy Llama was happily surprised

With a weekend break by her stag

So she rewarded him with a kiss

And in a fluster said Alpaca bag

POPULAR CULTURE IS VERY INFLUENTIAL

 

Popular culture is very influential

And I think it’s brilliant, in my view

How the Chinese made a language

Entirely out of pretentious tattoos

POETRY IS REMARKABLE

 

Poetry is remarkable for

The amount of joy it brings

But please poets, we do get it,

Things are like other things

PICKUP # 17

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

“Wow are you a computer whiz?”

You can enquire of her

“Because it seems you know how

To turn my software to hardware”

ARE YOU WEARING TINTED LENSES?

 

Are you wearing tinted lenses?

And the colour of vermillion

In normal light they look great

But at night you look like an alien

PICKUP # 19

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

“I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past”

You can say to her

“But I can make up for that

By being in your future”

PUT DOWN # 63

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”

Let him buy you a drink at the bar

Then speak “Let me just say that if bullshit

Was music, you'd be a full orchestra”

GOING TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY

 

My friend told me he was going

To a fancy dress party

Dressed as an Italian island

I told him not to be Sicily

ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK CAN STRIKE

 

Anaphylactic shock can strike

Even if you are normally well

And I can give you the cause

Of Anaphylaxis in a nutshell

COMBINE HARVESTERS

 

Combine Harvesters

And you'll have a really big restaurant

But a note of caution

Service will still be at best, nonchalant

I'M RUBBISH WITH NAMES

 

I'm rubbish with names

I can’t help it a bit

It’s a proper condition

There's a name for it...

PEOPLE WHO SELL MEAT ARE DISGUSTING

 

People who sell meat are disgusting

Even if it’s halal or kosher

But then I’ve heard that people

Who sell fruit and veg, are grocer

I HEARD ON THE GRAPEVINE THAT CADBURY

 

I heard on the grapevine that Cadbury

Are moving production to China

Which will involve some rebranding

For example the Chinese Wispa

I USED TO WORK IN A PLANT

 

I used to work in a plant

Specialising in shoe-recycling

And I hated every minute

It was utterly sole-destroying

ARE YOU WEARING CONTACTS?

 

Are you wearing contacts?

And a different colour at that

In normal light they look great

But in the dark you look like a cat

PICKUP # 18

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

“Do I know you?”

You can enquire of her

“Because you look

A lot like my next partner”

PUT DOWN # 64

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”

Give him a measured look and rebuff

“Look I know we all sprang from apes,

But I’m afraid you didn't spring far enough”

I GOT THE SACK

 

I got the sack, to my sorrow

But I still have to go in tomorrow

All though I don’t want to enter

I did work at the Job Center

I'M LOOKING FOR THE GIRL NEXT DOOR TYPE

 

I'm looking for the girl next door type

In my hunt for the perfect partner

So I'm just going to keep moving house

Until the day I eventually find her

MY BROTHER IS SO PESSIMISTIC

 

My brother is so pessimistic,

No matter what his circumstances

If there was a pessimism Olympics

He wouldn't fancy his chances

WHEN THE UMBRELLA

 

When the umbrella

Was first invented

It was to be called a Brella

But the man hesitated

GREAT BRITAIN WERE INVITED

 

Great Britain were invited

To the Belgium town of Mons

For the sun tanning Olympics

And the whole team got Bronze

PORNOGRAPHY IS OFTEN FROWNED UPON

 

Pornography is often frowned upon,

And viewed as degenerating

I frown when I’m watching it

But that's because I'm concentrating

I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS

 

I've been married for 10 years,

And mostly it’s been heaven

It’s not all plain sailing as I

Haven’t made a decision for seven

ARE YOU WEARING A ROSEBUD?

 

Are you wearing a rosebud?

All delicate and pink

You’re allergic to flowers?

In which case I think

A wardrobe malfunction.

Has revealed something pink

BUTTERFLIES ONLY LIVE FOR ONE DAY

 

Butterflies only live for one day

My wife told me with surprise

I said it was a myth, but she said

“No, it’s definitely a butterfly”

THE SMOKING OF ELECTRONIC CIGARETTES

 

The smoking of electronic cigarettes

Should only be done if you are a robot

And even then it should only happen

When it has just had sex with another robot

MY BROTHERS SPEND ALL OF THEIR TIME

 

My brothers spend all of their time

Floating out at sea on aquatic toys

They float from dawn until dusk

But I suppose boys will be buoys

THERE ARE AN EVIL GROUP OF MEN

 

There are an evil group of men

Who abide in shadows darkly

And control all the world’s cheese

They are known as the hallouminati

MY WIFE TOLD ME OVER BREAKFAST

 

My wife told me over breakfast

That sex was better on holiday

It took me completely by surprise

As the postcard only arrived that day

THE HOKEY COKEY # 3

 

I’m learning the Hokey Cokey

After all that’s what it’s all about

I haven’t learned it all just yet 

But I’ve got all the ins and outs

I ALWAYS LIKE TO HOLD HANDS

 

I always like to hold hands

When I go to the pictures

Which for some reason

Seems to surprise strangers

MY AUNT WAS THIRTY WHEN SHE LOST HER VIRGINITY

 

My Aunt was thirty when she lost her virginity

She had left it so late as the act was so dreaded

But was relieved when it had finally happened,

And wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded

I WAS INVITED TO MY FRIEND’S WEDDING

 

I was invited to my friend’s wedding

Well, he used to be my friend at any rate

The wedding invite said, me +1

So, I naturally turned up an hour late

ARE YOU WEARING AN ORCHID?

 

Are you wearing an orchid?

What a beautiful creation

Almost as beautiful as you

I would say without hesitation

INSIDE EVERY RUSSIAN DOLL

 

Inside every Russian Doll

There’s another Russian Doll

And yet more without doubt

All of them screaming to get out

IN OUR AMATEUR DRAMATICS GROUP

 

In our Amateur Dramatics group

I was performing in a pantomime

Which was actually rather crappy

And I argued with one of the dwarfs

I’m don’t know which one he was

But I know for sure he wasn’t happy

MY FATHER WAS A MAGICIAN

 

My father was a magician

Well, not really a magician

But he did disappeared a lot

To avoid the law like as not

CREATIVE DIFFERENCES

 

I broke up with my girlfriend,

Creative differences apparently,

I thought I was rather creative

But she thought differently

POLYGAMY

I was stunned when I was accused of Polygamy

It made me drop the bags I was holding

But then I was relieved to find it meant bigamy

And not as I thought the art of parrot-folding 

IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP

 

My ex-wife and I were in an open relationship

At least I believed it was an open relationship

Until that fateful day of the solicitors meeting

When she stunned me and called it cheating

MY FRIEND GOT A PERSONAL TRAINER

 

My friend got a personal trainer

And trained with him for a while

Starting a year before his wedding

So, I questioned the length of the aisle

I USED TO LIVE ON A FARM AND EVERY TIME

 

I used to live on a farm and every time

I passed the cows in the field I’d rant

And shout the most foul abuse at them

It’s turned out that I’m dairy intolerant

I REALLY HATE MY JOB PASSIONATELY

 

I really hate my job

In fact I have to confess

I hate it with a passion

My boss says I don’t possess

ARE YOU WEARING A CORSAGE? # 2

 

Are you wearing a corsage?

On your elegant wrist

As you stand in the moonlight

And are sweetly kissed

PANAMA HATS

 

Regarding which country makes

Panama hats, I was seriously misled

It turns out they’re not Panamanian

And are made in Ecuador instead

I DON’T BELIEVE IN TRADITIONS

 

I don’t believe in traditions

I have no time for them

And neither did my father

Or his father before him

MY WIFE MADE ME GO CAR HUNTING WITH HER

 

My wife made me go car hunting with her

As we have a family she wanted a People Carrier

And the trip went okay until I upset her

When I said that every car was a people carrier

WHEN YOU LOOK AT A HIPPO

 

When you look at a Hippo

It obviously differs from a Zippo

As one is a really heavy blighter,

And the other is a little lighter

I APPROACHED THE WOMAN IN THE BOOKSHOP

 

I approached the woman in the bookshop

“I want a book on Turtles” I told her

And she responded “Hardback?"

“Well obviously they’re hardback, duh”

IF YOU ARE LOOKING TO OFFEND ISIS

 

If you are looking to offend ISIS

And you’re a woman, wear a short skirt

That would seem to do the trick

And if you’re a man, wear a short skirt

PROVERBIAL PROVERBS # 6

 

“This will separate the men from the boys”

Was stated in my youth repeatedly

However it what separates them today

Appears to be  is Operation Yew Tree

HOLMES HAD OVERDOSED

 

Holmes told Watson that he had overdosed

Which caused something of a shock

Holmes then told him it was on Imodium 

And Watson exclaimed “No shit, Sherlock”

IF I DISCOVERED A NEW SPECIES

 

If I discovered a new species,

An animal to suit the agrarians

I would have to name it Quorn

To really mess with vegetarians

ARE YOU WEARING A CORSAGE? # 1

 

Are you wearing a corsage?

On your ample rounded breast

What a beautiful creation

I like the little rose bud best

KING GEORGE VI

King George VI was not a George

That’s hardly playing the game

Imagine my complete surprise when

I found out that Albert was his name

MY COUSIN DIED AFTER BEING STUNG BY A BEE

 

My cousin died after being stung by a bee

Although he didn’t have an allergy

He was over Niagara walking a tightrope

So, when he was stung there was no hope

MY BEST FRIEND COMES FROM A LONG LINE

 

My best friend comes from a long line

Of kleptomaniacs but he is the laziest of them

In fact he’s so lazy he could win an award

You really do have to hand it to him...

I WAS WATCHING A DOCUMENTARY ON TV

 

I was watching a documentary on TV

Last night about the viewing audience

And the decline in their attention spans

Well I watched some of it in my defense

THE SHARK DID THE DOLPHIN A FAVOR

 

The Shark did the Dolphin a favor

Though not a big one as favors go

And paid him back in cephalopods

Which was kind of Squid pro quo

I WOULD LOVE TO BE AN ACTOR

 

I would love to be an actor,

But it would be quite absurd

As I'd always forget the...

Oh dear, what is the word

TO SPICE UP MY DREARY LIFE

To spice up my dreary life

I chose to hold a sex game

And threw an orgy last night,

Unfortunately, nobody came

THE STATE IS WATCHING YOU

The state is watching you, and

We live in a “Big Brother” society

Of clandestine electronic eavesdropping

And it really bugs me

I HAVE VERY LOW SELF ESTEEM

 

I have very low self esteem

And live with low expectations

And to make matters worse

I'm terrible at self-deprecation

ARE YOU WEARING A RED ROSE?

 

Are you wearing a red rose?

England’s floral emblem

A sweet smelling symbol

Displayed out of patriotism

ARE YOU WEARING CORDUROY?

 

Are you wearing corduroy?

Oh you twenty-first century boy

You’re dressed as teacher would be

If he lived in nineteen seventy

ST GEORGES DAY

 

Don’t bang the drum

Don’t raise a cheer

The liberals might hear

St George’s day

Must pass unnoticed

Uncelebrated

Unheeded

St George

Must remain

Unheralded

No fanfare

No flags unfurled

Lest we fall foul

Of patriotism

Or jingoism

There must be

No displays

Of Patriotic fervour

Or English pride

We must play it down

Let it pass

Lest we offend

After all this is England

PATRON SAINTS DAYS

 

St Patrick’s day

Is celebrated every where

“I’m Irish and I’m proud”

They loudly declare

 

The media never hesitate

To show the people celebrate

 

Endless Displays of flags and emblems

Accompany patriotic anthems

 

St Andrew’s day,

Wearing thistle bold,

Is marked with Scottish pride

By young and old

 

The media never hesitate

To show the people celebrate

 

Endless Displays of flags and emblems

Accompany patriotic anthems

 

St David’s day

Resplendent with daffodil

Is marked more soberly

Yet is celebrated still

 

The media never hesitate

To show the people celebrate

 

Endless Displays of flags and emblems

Accompany patriotic anthems

 

St George’s day

Comes and goes

When is it marked?

Nobody knows

 

The media never hesitate

To ignore attempts to celebrate

 

With no displays of flags and emblems

Accompanying un-played patriotic anthems

PROFESSIONALS HAVE AN END OF LIFE # 2

 

Professionals have an end of life

Inescapable, though they may try

Old stuntmen for example just

Get discouraged they never die

PURPLE FINCH

 

Have you ever seen a Purple Finch?

Apparently, I did indeed once see one

I didn’t know it at the time of course

Because they are actually Crimson

PROFESSIONALS HAVE AN END OF LIFE # 3

 

Professionals have an end of life

Inescapable, though they may try

Old accountants for example just

Lose their balance, they never die

A DIPLOMAT IS A MAN WHO ALWAYS

 

A diplomat is a man who always,

Robert Frost stated quite sage,

Who remembers a woman’s birthday

But never remembers her age

LILY TOMLIN

 

Lily Tomlin always

Wanted to be somebody

She could have been

More specific probably

A paraphrasing of one of the great Lily Tomlin’s gags

WHEN I WAS JUST A YOUNG CHILD

 

When I was just a young child

I was subject to multiple attacks

My father assailed me with cameras

And I still suffer from flashbacks

VOCAB

 

It’s important to have a good and robust

Vocabulary, varied and diverse

And I have learned to my cost

Had I known the difference between

The words antidote and anecdote,

Several lives wouldn’t have been lost

21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYME # 441

 

In the well-known Nursery Rhyme

The Grand old Duke of York

Was a manic-depressive chap

Because when he was up, he was up

ARE YOU WEARING FISHNETS?

 

Are you wearing fishnets?

I’m glad they’re back in vogue

It’s the simple things in life

That appeal to this old rogue

THE BLACK BOX FLIGHT RECORDER

 

The Black Box flight recorder

Is not black! We have been misled

Why would you call it a “black box”

And then make it orange instead

I WAS ONCE DIAGNOSED WITH

 

I was once diagnosed with

Antisocial behavior disorder,

So I joined a support group

But we never meet to be fair

I’VE ALWAYS BEEN AN AVID READER # 2

 

I’ve always been an avid reader

I like books about distant Galaxies

I can’t put down the current one

It’s a great book about antigravity

PROFESSIONALS HAVE AN END OF LIFE # 1

 

Professionals have an end of life

Inescapable, though they may try

Old Lawyers for example just

Lose their appeal, they never die

I HAVE TAKEN PRIDE IN UNUSUAL QUARTERS

 

I have taken pride in unusual quarters

And I speak knowing that pride is wrong

One proud moments, was when a website

Told me my password was “Very Strong.”

REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD

 

“Revenge is a dish best served cold”

Is an old saying but is due some negation

As it feels best served piping hot,

Straight out of the oven of indignation

REAR PROPORTIONS

Bimbette said “Tell me Peachy, do

These jeans make my bum look big?”

“Truthfully?” Peaches replied 

“Your bum makes the jeans look big”

CHINESE GOOSEBERRIES

Chinese Gooseberries aren’t Chinese

Imagine my shock at being misled

They do not originate from China at all   

But come from New Zealand instead

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 440

 

Hickory Dickory Dock

Four mice ran up the clock

When the clock struck one

The other three were in shock

But otherwise were unharmed

ARE YOU WEARING A DIAPER?

 

Are you wearing a Diaper?

Well, if that’s what you wish

But have you become incontinent?

Or is it just some kind of fetish

COULD JESUS HAVE BEEN A WOMAN?

 

Could Jesus have been a woman?

Well, He fed a crowd as far as he could view

at a moment's notice with little food

He kept trying to get a message across To

A bunch of men who just didn't grasp it.

So, it’s very possible in my view

And then even when He was dead, He had

To get up because there was still work left to do

CAT GUTTED

 

As to which animal cat gut comes from

I have been lied to and seriously misled

It appears it doesn’t come from cats

But from Sheep and Horses instead

DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN?

 

I grew a beard, thinking it would say

"Distinguished Gentleman" to all

Instead, what it’s actually saying

Is Senior Discount seeker at the Mall

I HAVE REACHED THAT TIME

 

I have reached that time when

Normal life has come to a halt

I’m at the age where I can’t take

Anything with a pinch of salt

I HAVE BEEN DATING A HOARDER

 

I have been dating a hoarder

But she broke up with me

Because I’m the one thing

She can get rid of apparently

I’VE ALWAYS BEEN AN AVID READER # 1

 

I’ve always been an avid reader

Mystery books are my favourite

But then every novel is a mystery

If you never manage to finish it

THE GREAT PART ABOUT PARENTHOOD

 

The great part about parenthood

Is naming the kids something favorable

While not having to add numbers

To make sure the name was available

I SUFFER FROM A STRANGE PHOBIA

 

I suffer from a strange phobia

Which was hard for me to admit

As I have a fear of speed bumps

But I’m slowly getting over it

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 439

 

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,

How does your garden grow?

With silver bells, and cockle shells

And other tacky blingy show

ARE YOU WEARING A NAPPY?

 

Are you wearing a nappy?

Well, if that’s what you wish

But have you become incontinent?

Or is it just some kind of fetish

COULD JESUS HAVE BEEN IRISH?

 

Could Jesus have been Irish?

Well, the bible says He never marries

He loved green pastures and water

And He was always telling stories

THE OCTOBER REVOLUTION

The October Revolution

Is something to remember

But the Russians don’t

Celebrate it until November

EVEN NETFLIX HAS COME TO THE CONCLUSION

 

Even Netflix has come to the conclusion

I watch too much TV, so there’s no doubt,

It doesn’t suggest more box sets to watch

Instead, it’s started suggesting I go out

I AM A DOUBTING THOMAS

 

I am certainly a doubting Thomas

My doubts are quite eclectic

But my disbelieving is such

That I don’t believe in sceptics

MY UNCLE HAD HIS NECK BRACE FITTED

 

My Uncle had his neck brace fitted

Because he has arthritis in his neck

But in the five years he's had the brace

My Uncle has never looked back

 

WHEN YOU’RE FEELING ON TOP OF THE WORLD

 

When you’re feeling on top of the world

Don’t fall into the trap and boast

Because one day you're the best thing

Since sliced bread and the next, you're toast

ROSES AND VIOLETS

 

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

God made your friend pretty,

But what happened to you?

FRIENDSHIP IS DIFFICULT TO DEFINE

 

Friendship is difficult to define

But I think the best example for me

Is when I walk into someone’s house

And Wi-Fi connects automatically

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 438

 

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,

How does your garden grow?

Well if you don’t plant seed

You can’t reap what you sow

ARE YOU WEARING VELVET GLOVES?

 

Are you wearing velvet gloves?

Oh, how elegantly you’re stood

Their addition, a touch of class

If anyone knew class, you would

They look so elegant on you

I just hope they feel as good

COULD JESUS HAVE BEEN NATIVE AMERICAN?

 

Could Jesus have been Native American?

Possibly, he was at peace with nature

He ate fish, and had an affinity with birds

And He talked of the Great Spirit in his future

CAMEL HAIR BRUSHES

Camel hair brushes are not

Made from camel hair to be fair

It’s just one of life’s oddities

They are made of Squirrel fur

QUASIMODO OF NOTRE DAME

 

Quasimodo of Notre Dame

Who loved Esmerelda

Always had a hunch

He needed to see a doctor

THE MATHEMATICIAN PONDERED

 

The mathematician pondered

When he opened the oven door

What the value of pi would be

After being dropped on the floor

DUE TO THE PITIFUL SIZE

 

Due to the pitiful size of my

Social circle, a lad’s holiday

With me would definitely look

More like a romantic getaway

ONE THING YOU’LL NEVER HEAR

 

One thing you’ll never hear,

And there is absolutely no chance

Of anyone hearing a Hindu say

Oh well, you only live once

I’VE GOT VERY SENSITIVE TEETH

 

I’ve got very sensitive teeth

But I can do nothing bold

I can’t tell the dentist because

They’d be upset that I’d told

I WAS IN SOUTH LONDON

 

I was in south London

And this bloke I met

Said he would attack me,

If I didn’t make a bet,

With the neck of a guitar,

So, I said ‘Is that a fret?’

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 437

 

Old King Cole

Was a merry old soul,

But when he sobered up

He was miserable git

ARE YOU WEARING A DEVILS TAIL?

 

Are you wearing a Devils Tail?

As someone’s Halloween surprise

I hope you’re as devilish as you look

And not some angel in disguise

COULD JESUS HAVE BEEN A CALIFORNIAN?

 

Could Jesus have been a Californian?

Well its true He never cut His hair

He walked around in sandals

And He started a new religion, so Yer

THE CANARY ISLANDS

The Canary Islands, as listed

In geographical catalogues

Are not named after the birds

And are really the Isles of Dogs

I WOKE UP THE DAY AFTER THE PARTY

 

I woke up the day after the party

With a penis drawn on my face

But that wasn’t the worst of it

The perpetrator had had to trace

A HIPSTER BURNT HIS MOUTH

A Hipster burnt his mouth,

The stupid fool,

When he ate the pizza

Before it was cool 

TONY THE TIGER IS DEAD

 

Tony the Tiger is dead

And the news is a bit of a chiller

He has been murdered

And Police suspect a cereal killer

MY WIFE AND I ARE BOTH

 

My wife and I are both

In our late 50s for sure

I’m fast approaching 59

And she’s just turned 64

OH HOW THEY ALL CRUELLY SCOFFED

 

Oh how they all cruelly scoffed

When I said that I would one day

Learn the secret of invisibility

If they could only see me now, eh

WE DIDN’T REALISE THAT MY DAD

 

We didn’t realise that my Dad

Was one of the great family men

Until that day we discovered

That he actually had three of them

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 436

Ring a ring o' roses,

A pocketful of posies

Atishoo! Atishoo!

Catch it, bin it, kill it 

ARE YOU WEARING A SQUINT?

Are you wearing a squint?

That’ll be because of the fine print.

I wouldn’t bother reading every bit

There's no way you're going to like it 

MY GIRLFRIEND THINKS I'M A STALKER

 

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker

She’s thought it ever since we met

Well, I say girlfriend, I should explain

That, she's not my girlfriend, yet

THE WHOLE FAMILY WERE WATCHING POINTLESS

 

The whole family were watching Pointless

Playing along and doing quite well, more or less

The first round was about words ending in TOR

But the answer was a carnivore or an omnivore

It had to end TOR, but the answer ate things

The first two answers were Alligator or Predator

My daughter shouted out “Vibrator” triumphantly

Good word but they don’t eat things I’m afraid sweetie

“Yes, they do dad” she argued “Mum told me so”

“She said, hers eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow”

A MAN DIALLED 999

 

A man dialled 999 and said

“I’m pretty sure my wife is dead”

The operator asked him calmly

“Why aren’t you certain she’s dead?”

“Well the ironing hasn’t been done,

But she’s still the same in bed”

SAILORS FIGHTING IN A DANCE HALL

 

Two sailors where fighting

Over a prostitute on the dance floor

They both had one arm each

In a bizarre game of Tug-of-whore

GYNAECOLOGICAL SCARE

 

My older sister managed

To scare her gynaecologist

But that’s one of the perks

Of being a ventriloquist

PORN STAR TIPPLE

 

I worked in a cocktail bar where

A porn star was a regular imbiber

And erotic film star Bambi’s favourite

Drink Was 7 Up in cider

THE MUSIC TEACHER WAS FOUND GUILTY

 

The music teacher was found guilty

And put on the sex offenders register

He was giving guitar lessons and

Was arrested for fingering A minor

I WAS SCARRED DURING MY FIRST TIME

 

I was scarred during my first time

And made me think I was still a virgin

I thought I was doing fine until she said

Those three dreaded words, “Is it in?”

THERE WAS A FIGHT AT THE CIRCUS

 

There was a fight at the circus

Between a clown and a mugger

The fight didn’t last for long

Once they went for the juggler

COULD JESUS HAVE BEEN ITALIAN?

 

Could Jesus have been Italian?

Maybe, as he reputedly used olive oil

He did have wine with all His meals

And he did talk with His hands after all

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 435

 

Old King Cole

Was a merry old soul,

But when he sobered up

He was an arsehole

ARE YOU WEARING A CONTENTED EXPRESSION?

 

Are you wearing a contented expression?

You certainly have an air of being detached

But then you’re a man and at the end of the day

Which means if it itches, it will be scratched

COULD JESUS HAVE BEEN JEWISH?

 

Could Jesus have been Jewish?

It is the most likely eventuality

As He Did go into His Father's business

He lived at home until he was 33

He was sure his Mother was a virgin

And she was sure He was God, so maybe

THE HOKEY COKEY # 1

 

I just realised that I haven't done

The Hokey Cokey for ten years, about.

I guess that when you get older,

You just forget what it's all about.

I ASKED C.S. LEWIS

 

I asked C.S. Lewis what he kept

In his wardrobe,

Beyond suit and dress

And with a wry smile

And a twinkle in his eye

He replied, Narnia business

MY SISTER IS INTO PHOTOGRAPHY

 

My sister is into photography

It makes her shine and glow

And she talks enthusiastically

But you can’t shutter up though

THE YEAR OUT

 

I took a “year out” before going to Uni

And I got a job before you start to sneer

I got a job on the London Underground

And I call it my “Mind the Gap Year”

THE HUNDRED YEARS WAR

 

Called the Hundred Years War

I was understandably misled

Because the war really lasted

A hundred and sixteen instead

WHAT A COINCIDENCE

 

A farmer went straight to the bar

And ordered a glass of champagne

The woman sitting next to him said,

That she had already done the same

 

“What a coincidence” the farmer said

As they clinked glasses

 

He told her it was a very special day

And that he was celebrating

She said it was special for her too

And she was also celebrating

 

“What a coincidence” the farmer said

As they clinked glasses

 

He asked what she was celebrating

She said after many years of marriage

And trying for a family with her husband

She would soon need a baby carriage

 

“What a coincidence” the farmer said

As they clinked glasses

 

He told her he was a chicken farmer

And his hens had been infertile all year

But that day they were all laying again

And that was why he was in good cheer

 

She said that it was indeed great news

But asked what changes he had applied

In order for them to become fertile again

“I simply used a different cock” he replied

The woman smiled, clinked his glass

And said “what a coincidence”

GALLIC SANDALS

 

A Frenchman, wearing sandals,

Was in a bit of a gallic strop

After teasing about his footwear

His name was Phillipe Phillop

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 434

 

There was an old woman of Leeds,

Who spent her time in widows’ weeds;

She mourned for her team

And premier league dream

This hopeful old woman of Leeds!

ARE YOU WEARING KNICKERBOCKERS?

 

Are you wearing Knickerbockers?

Well listen, I don’t mean to flummox

But it looks like the Knickerbockers

Have fallen out with your socks

COULD JESUS HAVE BEEN BLACK?

 

Could Jesus have been Black?

Maybe, its true he liked Gospel

He called everyone brother

And He didn't get a fair trial

CERTIFICATION SMALL PRINT

 Kate asked, “What are you doing?” 

And her husband replied “Nothing” 

“But you’ve been studying our

Marriage certificate for an hour”

He said “Well to be honest Kate

I was looking for the expiration date”

DINNER MENU

 

“Do you want dinner?”

Mavis asked her husband Joe

“Lovely! What are my choices?”   

She replied “Yes or no”      

THE HOKEY COKEY # 2

 

Getting over my Hokey Cokey

Addiction was very hard I found

But with help from friends and

Family, I've turned myself around

THE NEW OWNERS WERE MEETING STAFF

 

The new owners were meeting staff

Walking around and glad-handing

I said “I'm going to stand outside,

So, if anyone asks, I'm outstanding”

A GIRL SAID SHE RECOGNIZED ME

 

A girl said she recognized me

And was perfectly sure

It was at the vegetarian club,

But I'd never met herbivore

MILL STREAM

 

The stream runs down the rugged hill

To where stands a quiet water mill

And when water shoots along the spill

The wheel is turned to break the still

So, the miller toils with sweat and skill

And when there are no more sacks to fill

The sluices close and again all’s still