DIFFERENCES # 1

 

There is a difference between

A skinny blonde schmuck

And a counterfeit US dollar

Is that one is a phony buck

THE BOYS WERE CATCHING CRABS

 

Down on the beach, the boys

Were Catching Crabs

In other words they were shagging

Bimbette and Babs

THE SOCIAL LIFE

 

 

Bimbette, an unmarried mother
Went to claim benefit
And in front of a case manager
She was asked to sit
He asked her
“How many children do you have then?”
After a few moments
Bimbette finally replied “Ten”
Horrified and thinking this was
“One of those claims
“Ten?” Said the case manager
“What are their names?”
Bimbette replied impatiently
“They're all called Wayne”
“They're all called Wayne?
Isn't that a bit of a pain?
“Naah” she said
“If they're out playing in the street
“I just shout, ““Come in Wayne”
and it works a treat”
“It works at bed time
and when it’s time for dinner”
“But what if”
asked the manager in a perturbed manner
“You want to speak to one boy individually?”
He said
“That's easy,” she replied
“I use their surnames instead”

REAR PROPORTIONS

Bimbette said “Tell me Peachy, do

These jeans make my bum look big?”

“Truthfully?” Peaches replied 

“Your bum makes the jeans look big”

I WAS ASKED WHO I WANTED

 

I was asked who I wanted

To celebrate my birthday

My answer was as easy as ABC

“Anyone but Chardonnay”

ARE YOU WEARING A DIADEM?

 

Are you wearing a diadem?

Why are you some kind of princess?

No, you actually have to be royalty

Not just daddy’s little princess

I MADE MY GIRL BIMBETTE

 

I made my girl Bimbette

Really laugh on Saturday

The only problem is I told

Her the joke on Wednesday

BIMBETTE SAYS SHE CAN COUNT TO SEVENTY

 

Bimbette says she can count to seventy

But I think that’s very doubtful

Because in my experience she always

Finds sixty-nine a bit of a mouthful

THERE WAS A FOUR HOUR POWER CUT

 

There was a four-hour power cut

While she was in the department store

And Bimbette then spent all four hours

Trapped halfway up the escalator

BIMBETTE AND THE CAR POOL

 

Bimbette got locked out of her car

In the pouring rain

She had forgotten her keys

So went back in the house again

When she got in the car

She started to frown

The seats were soaked

Because the roof had been down

EVERY WEEKEND IN ESSEX-LAND

 

Every weekend in Essex-land

Daddies’ precious little petal

Gets off her tits and tanked up

On gallons of Princess Petrol

AIRPORT AIRHEAD

Bimbette called the Airport and asked

“How long will it take to fly from London

To Athens?” The agent replied, “Just a minute”

“Thank you” Bimbette said and she was gone

ARE YOU WEARING A TIARA?

Are you wearing a tiara?

Sparkling with jewels no less

Oh, sweet little Essex girl

Daddies’ little princess 

IN WHICH DIRECTION WILL THE SUN RISE TODAY

 

“In which direction will the sun rise today?”

At first her question was met with silence

But he explained it always rose in the east

She said “I can’t keep up with all that science”

MY GIRLFRIEND GOT SUNBURNT

 

My girlfriend got sunburnt

I asked why she didn’t use lotion

She thought she was safe

If her convertible was in motion

DURING A PASSWORD AUDIT

 

During a password audit by the IT crowd,

They discovered something quite absurd

A young woman by the name of Bimbette

Who was using the following password

PughPughBarneyMcGrewCuthbertDibbleGrubb

And was told such a password was wrong

But Bimbette explained that she was told

Her password must be six characters long

SPEEDING TICKET

 

Bimbette was stopped for speeding

When asked to produce her license

She launched into a tirade of abuse

“This doesn’t make any bloody sense”

When the officer calmed her down

He asked Bimbette to explain

“Well you only took it away yesterday

And now you want to see it again”

BIMBETTES LOST DOG

 

Bimbette lost her dog

And she was distraught

Peaches, to cheer her up

Said I think you ought

To advertise in the paper

Just give it a whirl

So, she wrote the ad

“Come here girl”

BLONDE POST

 

The letterbox rattled

As the post came through the door

One after another

They landed on the floor

The top most envelope

Was from Bimbette’s friend

But emblazoned on it

Were the words "DO NOT BEND"

 

Bimbette pondered for some time

About that piece of post

How was she to pick it up?

Puzzled her most

CALL CENTER MODE YET AGAIN

 

One day Bimbette was having trouble

With her computer,

So she decided to try the call center

At a time that would suit her

 

"Hello how can I help you?"

The tech support guy said

Bimbette replied to him

“I have a problem printing in red”

He asked, “Do you have a colour printer”?

Then the line went dead