THERE WERE NO EGGS

There were no eggs

At all today at Lidl’s

As all the hens now

Identify as cockerels

THE OLD CHICKEN STOPPED LAYING EGGS

 

The old chicken stopped laying eggs

And when investigating the cause

The local vet soon discovered that she

Was going through the henopause

I WAS TIED UP IN THE DAIRY

 

I was tied up in the dairy

By a milkmaid

Just the other day

Which was where

She inflicted on me

Fifty shades of Whey

THE BRIDE TO BE WAS AT THE POULTRY FARM

 

The bride to be was at the Poultry farm

Watching the birds scratching and pecking

And she was absolutely raging, because

It wasn’t the hen night she was expecting

LILY DIED

 

Lily died as she wouldn’t give up wheat

Which was the death of her

But she didn’t have an allergy

She was killed by a Combine harvester

THE REASON WHY COWS HAVE HOOVES

 

The reason why cows have hooves

Instead of feet, everyone knows,

Because they are cloven footed

For the simple reason they lactose

COW CROSSING

 

Why did the Cow cross the road?

Well, she risked her health and hide

For a blatantly obvious reason

As she wanted to get to the udder side

MY SISTER WOULD ONLY WORK ON ONE ANIMAL

 

My sister would only work on one animal

So all the local farmers mocked her

And upset her, but I soon cheered her up

When I pointed out that she was a Doctor

WHAT DO YOU CALL A ROOSTER WHO WAKES

 

What do you call a rooster who wakes

You up every morning at five o’clock

His actual name is Foghorn Leghorn

But we like to call him the alarm cock

I USED TO LIVE ON A FARM AND EVERY TIME

 

I used to live on a farm and every time

I passed the cows in the field I’d rant

And shout the most foul abuse at them

It’s turned out that I’m dairy intolerant

WHAT A COINCIDENCE

 

A farmer went straight to the bar

And ordered a glass of champagne

The woman sitting next to him said,

That she had already done the same

 

“What a coincidence” the farmer said

As they clinked glasses

 

He told her it was a very special day

And that he was celebrating

She said it was special for her too

And she was also celebrating

 

“What a coincidence” the farmer said

As they clinked glasses

 

He asked what she was celebrating

She said after many years of marriage

And trying for a family with her husband

She would soon need a baby carriage

 

“What a coincidence” the farmer said

As they clinked glasses

 

He told her he was a chicken farmer

And his hens had been infertile all year

But that day they were all laying again

And that was why he was in good cheer

 

She said that it was indeed great news

But asked what changes he had applied

In order for them to become fertile again

“I simply used a different cock” he replied

The woman smiled, clinked his glass

And said “what a coincidence”

A LONELY FARMER DECIDED TO SEE A MOVIE

 

A lonely farmer decided to see a movie

And take his favourite Cockerel too

But he knew animals weren’t allowed

So he hid him down his pants, out of view

He bought a ticket, and went inside

And sat down next to two old widows

The movie started unbuttoning his fly

So the Cockerel could watch the show

And one widow whispered to the other

“The guy next to me has his thing out”

Her friend replied “Don’t be squeamish

It’s not your first nor the last no doubt,

And I’m sure you’ve seen bigger

When you’re at home watching porn”

“Well I’ve seen bigger” she agreed

“But I’ve not seen one eating my popcorn”

ARE YOU WEARING A SMOCK?

 

Are you wearing a smock?

As you tend to your flock

Well inside your frock

I would like to run amok

POULTRY FARMERS WHO KEEP

 

Poultry farmers who keep

Battery chickens are fiends 

Because they earn their

Immoral living by fowl means

THE MOST MIRACULOUS ANIMAL

 

The most miraculous animal

In the farm-yard, I am assured

Is the humble pig and that’s because

It is killed and then cured

WHEN ACTOR FOGHORN LEGHORN

 

When actor Foghorn Leghorn

Retired to a farm near Leyton

Named his favourite he “Macduff”

Because he wanted her to lay on

I PICKED UP A TRAY OF LAMB CHOPS

 

I picked up a tray of Lamb chops

Labelled “Reared in Wales” in the shop

I refused to buy them on the basis

That I thought that was a bit racist

OUR NEIGHBOURS ARE ORGANIC DAIRY FARMERS

Our neighbours are organic dairy farmers

With special diets and all that ilk

N’owt good ever came of pampering cows

And all you’ll ever get is spoilt milk

NOBEL PRIZE’S

They give Nobel Prize’s for anything now

And the latest recipient has been revealed

The winner is a scarecrow of all things

Mind you he is outstanding in his field 

FOGHORN LEGHORN’S WIFE ONLY LAID

 

Foghorn Leghorn’s wife only laid

Her eggs in the winter or fall

But that made sense, as she was

No Spring Chicken after all