A DISILLUSIONED VET WROTE A BOOK

 

A disillusioned vet wrote a book

And it is a real kiss and tell

About his life and times, entitled 

All creatures grunt and smell

MY UNCLE TRAINS ANIMALS

 

My Uncle trains animals

To be honest he’s a bit of a bore

He has one dog that does magic tricks

It’s a labracadabrador

THE BUFFALO WAS LEAVING

 

The Buffalo was leaving

Because he wanted to be gone

But before he took his leave

He just had to say Bi-son

LUCY LLAMA WAS HAPPILY SURPRISED

 

Lucy Llama was happily surprised

With a weekend break by her stag

So she rewarded him with a kiss

And in a fluster said Alpaca bag

THE ANTELOPE AND THE GAZELLE

I dreamed one night that an Antelope,

Loved a Gazelle and planned to elope

But at the moment they expected least

A jealous Wildebeest crashed the feast 

THE PHILANDERING POLAR BEAR

 

The philandering Polar Bear

Took a fancy to a kangaroo

But when she stole his heart

He knew he’d met his waterloo

THE KOALA WAS IN SOME DISTRESS

The Koala was in some distress

In fact he was in a proper mess

As he was told he wasn’t a bear

And he didn’t think it was fair

As he was one of nature’s creations

And he had all the koalafications

WHY DID THE LION CROSS THE ROAD?

 

Why did the Lion cross the road?

Well not just to get to the other side

The reason he wanted to cross over

Was to get to the other pride

NUMBERS OF TORTOISES AND TERRAPINS

Numbers of Tortoises and Terrapins

In the wild are falling faster and faster

Biologists and Environmentalists

Are all predicting a Turtle disaster

DOLPHINS SUFFER FROM ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

 

Dolphins suffer from Erectile Dysfunction

And their sex life has come a cropper

Not much is known about their condition

But they’ve gone from Flipper to Flopper

ALL THE RABBITS IN THE FIELD

 

All the Rabbits in the field

Backed away from Farmer Kline

This strange phenomenon

Is known as a receding hareline

I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HEDGEHOGS

 

I have a problem with Hedgehogs

I know it’s a strange thing to allege

I just find it hard to understand

Why can’t they just share the hedge?

MY UNCLE HAS WRITTEN AN EXPOSE

 

My Uncle has written an expose

It’s a real kiss and tell

About being a vet, it’s called

All creatures grunt and smell

MY UNCLE COLLECTS WILD ANIMALS

 

My uncle collects wild animals

He’s the strangest bloke I’ve met

I offered him a really fat badger

He said no “as it didn’t fit in his set”

MY GRANDFATHER WAS FROM LAPLAND

My Grandfather was from Lapland

And he was the greatest hunter I bet

And when he went to the bleak tundra

To catch Arctic Hare, he used a hare net

FEARFUL BEASTS

 

I stood stock still and

Feared for my nadgers

When in the presence

Of the honey badgers

EVERY TOM

 

When you hear

The chorus, from where

The alley cat’s tarry

Just remember

That every tom

Has a dick, Harry

IF YOU SEE A MAN RUNNING FROM A LION

 

If you see a man running from a Lion

Run like hell, run as fast as you can

But you don’t need to out run the Lion

You just need to run faster than the man

TIGER, TIGER, BURNING BRIGHT

 

Tiger, Tiger, burning bright

In the forests of the night

Poachers perform their rite

And leave a bloody sight

PROS AND CONS FOR BECOMING A CAT OWNER

 

I was told I should buy a cat

“Why on earth would I do that?”

“They’re good company” they say

“And they keep the mice away”

Well eventually they convinced me

And I admit its good company

As to the expelling from my house

Of every type and size of mouse

They are a great disappointment

And their failure is evident

It is they who bring in a mouse

Into the comfort of my house

As a toy with which they play

But they let the toy get away

Now the mouse is here to stay