PHIL LYNOTT WANTED A SPECIAL PET

 

Phil Lynott wanted a special pet

And searched for it wide and far oh

When he found it, he took it home,

Now he keeps his Pixie in a-jar-o

IT HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED TODAY

 

It has been announced today

That a dog food manufacturer,

Following poor sales, has had

To call in the official retriever

I DON’T LIKE TO SPEAK ILL

 

I don’t like to speak ill

However, without being rude

I have to say you can't trust

A dog to watch your food

YOUNG JIMBO

 

I got a rescue dog from Battersea

And I called the puppy, Jimbo

But he needed obedience classes

Where they walked us to and fro

 

When he needed to be at heel

Jimbo almost always ran away

Then he came bounding back

When he was meant to sit and stay

 

And when he walked on the lead

I had to pull young Jimbo back

Or he was round and round my feet

Until I ended up lying on my back

 

So we stopped going to the classes

And I have a stick for him to chase

I can forgive my Jimbo anything

When he jumps up to lick my face

IF I SAID MY DOG RAN TEN MILES

 

If I said my dog ran ten miles,

And not so his legs were stretched,

But to retrieve his favourite stick,  

Would you think it too far fetched

PUT THE CAT OUT

 

“Can you put the cat out?”

I heard my angry wife shout

“No, it can use the cat flap”

I immediately shouted back

She then screamed “Put it out!”

And again “put the cat out!”

And each scream got higher

“Because the cat is on fire!”

IF YOUR DOG IS STRUCK WITH A FEVER

 

If your Dog is struck with a fever

Consult you medical catalogue

And you’ll find mustard is the cure

As it’s the best thing for a hot dog

THE CAT AND THE SQUIRREL

 

Look at me, the young cat purred

Look I am a very clever kitty

I am a huntress to be admired

I’ve caught a Squirrel as big as me

I deserve a treat for my cleverness

I’ve this trophy for you to see

And you need never know

It fell out of a tree

I DISCOVERED MY FAVOURITE DUCK WAS SICK # 3

 

I discovered my favourite duck was sick

Unfortunately, he had a monkey on his back

It turned out he used a multitude of drugs

But his favourite drug of choice was Quack

I HAVE A NUMBER OF CATS

 

I have a number of cats, but one

Is a mischievous kitten

Who swallowed a ball of wool

As a result she had Mittens

MY DOG ATE ALL THE SCRABBLE TILES

 

My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles

When they were spilt on the mat

And for days he kept leaving

Little messages around the flat

I DISCOVERED MY FAVOURITE DUCK WAS SICK # 4

 

I discovered my favourite duck was sick

Unfortunately, his behaviour needs to be adjusted

All though in truth he just doesn't fit in

The medical definition is that he’s Mallardjusted.

I USED TO HAVE A TINY LIZARD

 

I used to have a tiny Lizard

He was really small and cute

I used to call him Tiny,

Because he was “my newt”

I DISCOVERED MY FAVOURITE DUCK WAS SICK # 2

 

I discovered my favourite duck was sick

So to provide the knowledge I lack

I called for the local vet to attend

But when he turned up he was a quack

MY DOG SWALLOWED

 

My Dog swallowed some of my

Scrabble tiles annoyingly

I’m afraid when nature takes

Its course it could spell tragedy

I DISCOVERED MY FAVOURITE DUCK WAS SICK # 1

 

I discovered my favourite duck was sick

So I called for the local vet to attend

On arrival the Vet soon reassured me

And it was a simple Mallardy in the end

MY UNCLE IS A GREAT CAT LOVER

 

My Uncle is a great cat lover

And he’s always been a smashing bloke

But after he came to visit, my cat

Is recovering from a massive stroke

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CATS AND DOGS

The difference between

Cats and dogs is easily seen

Because Dogs have owners

Whereas Cats have helpers

THE FELINE ESTABLISHMENT

 

An important element of

The Feline establishment

Is the Cat Constabulary

Known as Claw enforcement

THE CANINE ESTABLISHMENT

 

An important element of

The Canine establishment

Is the Dog Constabulary

Known as Paw enforcement