PASTA’S

 

The are many

Types of Pasta

But a Spagelini

Is an impasta

MY WIFE MOCKED ME

 

When I said I would make a bike out of spaghetti,

I was greeted by the sound of my wife’s laughter

Well she was laughing on the other side of her face

On that wonderful day when I rode straight pasta

PEOPLE WHO SELL MEAT ARE DISGUSTING

 

People who sell meat are disgusting

Even if it’s halal or kosher

But then I’ve heard that people

Who sell fruit and veg, are grocer

I HEARD ON THE GRAPEVINE THAT CADBURY

 

I heard on the grapevine that Cadbury

Are moving production to China

Which will involve some rebranding

For example the Chinese Wispa

IF I DISCOVERED A NEW SPECIES

 

If I discovered a new species,

An animal to suit the agrarians

I would have to name it Quorn

To really mess with vegetarians

CHINESE GOOSEBERRIES

Chinese Gooseberries aren’t Chinese

Imagine my shock at being misled

They do not originate from China at all   

But come from New Zealand instead

HOMEMADE PIZZA

 

Homemade pizza

Is absolute bliss

And it’s so easy

It’s a pizza piss

CHEESE DO

 

I went to a cheese function

For cheese from Brie to Blue

When the hot cheese appeared

It all became a really fun do

THEY DO VERY ODD THINGS WITH SPUDS

They do very odd things with spuds

Nowadays some of which seem crazy

When I was young people who didn't

Peel potatoes were regarded as lazy

YOU’VE BURNED THE DINNER AGAIN

 

“You’ve burned the dinner again” he said

To the plate with the burnt offering on

“It’s not burned, its caramelized” she retorted

“Well, you’ve caramelized it to carbon”

WHY DO THE FRENCH EAT SNAILS?

 

Why do the French eat snails?

It’s an odd habit, without being rude

The only explanation I can find

Is that the French don’t like fast food

WHEN HIS FOOD ARRIVED

 

When his food arrived

He saw something distressing

“There’s a button in my salad”

The waiter said, messing

“That's all right, sir,

It's just part of the dressing”

DESICCATED SNACK POT

 

A new desiccated snack pot

Of dried dog and noodles

Are on sale in North Korea

They’re called Not Poodles

PEPERAMI IS A BIT OF AN ANIMAL

 

Peperami is a bit of an animal

Is the pitch the adverts hit

But its animal origins aside

I would like to know “what bit”

DRIED FRUIT TRADE

 

A customer said “I want to swap a bag

Of sultanas for two bags of raisins mate”

“I can only give you one bag” he was told

“Because that’s the currant exchange rate”

MY GIRLFRIEND WORKS IN A CHINESE KITCHEN

 

My girlfriend works in a Chinese kitchen

And the sauces she must skilfully render

Which is quite ironic really when you hear

The way the chef pronounces Brenda

I UPSET MY GRANDDAUGHTER

 

I upset my granddaughter

When she stayed recently

I made a faux pas, as I thought

That Pepper Pig was a recipe

WE WERE EATING AT AN INDIAN RESTAURANT

 

We were eating at an Indian restaurant

When we received news of the trauma

We all found it very distressing

My naan had slipped into a Korma

WHY ARE EGGS PACKED IN CONTAINERS

 

Why are eggs packed in containers

That are the flimsiest I’ve ever seen

But batteries are in plastic packs

You can only open with a laser beam

I PICKED UP A TRAY OF LAMB CHOPS

 

I picked up a tray of Lamb chops

Labelled “Reared in Wales” in the shop

I refused to buy them on the basis

That I thought that was a bit racist