ARE YOU WEARING NYLON PANTS?
Are you wearing nylon pants?
There can be no other explanation
Because every time you get aroused
It affects the TV reception
ARE YOU WEARING A STRAIGHTJACKET?
Are you wearing a straightjacket?
With wrap around sleeves and metal bands
Are you some kind of homicidal maniac?
Or do you suffer from wondering hands
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
When the tragic death
Was announced on the news
Of the Oscar winning actor
My wife didn’t have a clue
Which prompted her to say
Philip Seymour who?
THE CHAUVINISTS ARE COMING
As economic migrants, blown
On the easterly breeze
Arrive on our welcoming shores
I am left in a state of unease
Not because they’re foreign
But because they’re from the seventies
IF YOU CAN AFFORD TO BUY
If you can afford to buy
Yourself a 3d printer
The first thing to do
Is print another printer
MURRAYFIELD RENAMED MUDDYFIELD
It had rained for days on end
The pitch had had its fill
So much so that the turf moved
But the scrum stayed still
YOU MIGHT WELL BE VERY GOOD
You might well be very good
I have no doubt about it
But you still can’t make
Chicken salad from chicken shit
I ASKED THE DJ STRAIGHT
I asked the DJ straight
Do you do requests mate
Yes geezer just name it
Turn the volume down a bit
SHE CHOSE TO WEAR BEIGE # 1
She chose to wear Beige
Quite unusual for a ball gown
It’s like a proper colour, but
With the volume turned down
TWO OVERWEIGHT LADS
Two overweight lads were in the pub
“Your round” one of them suddenly said
The other one took instant offence and
Replied “So are you, you great fat head”
WE WERE KIDS IN WORN OUT SHOES
We were kids in worn out shoes
And we’d gamble in one or twos
With liquorice and penny chews
On any contest we’d choose
But if we were then to lose
We’d sing the sweetie bar blues
MY PROSPECTIVE FATHER IN LAW
My prospective father in law
Finally fell in love with me
At the precise moment
He found out I had a BSC
Why he was so excited
Is a real mystery to me
A bronze swimming certificate
Is that prestigious, really?
FORWARD THINKING FUNERAL DIRECTORS
Forward thinking Funeral directors
Strike when opportunity knocks
The one in our town won an award
For thinking outside the box
WE ALWAYS GO TO THE PICTURES
We always go to the pictures
For the end of week features
Never mind orange Wednesday
What we like is CGI Friday
ARE YOU WEARING A WINCE?
Are you wearing a wince?
I see you’re pointing your toes
Did the nasty aliens forget
To remove your anal probe?"
Monday 14 April 2014
A Little Bit Of Humour # 54
ARE YOU WEARING A POUT?
Are you wearing a pout?
Well it’s bold without a doubt
But the overwhelming impression
Is that you look like a trout
ARE YOU WEARING A PLEASANT LOOK?
Are you wearing a pleasant look?
It’s effecting me quite unnervingly
Clearly the fact that you’re smiling
Should on its own be scaring me
MY SON CAME RUSHING HOME FROM SCHOOL
My son came rushing home from school
With great excitement from the start
“I’m in the play and I play a married man
I said "So you didn’t get a speaking part?”
MY KIDS ARE MAD AT ME
I put Ginger in the Curry
And my kids are angry at that
I thought it was very tasty
But they really loved that cat
MY KIDS ARE STILL MAD AT ME
I put Ginger in the Casserole
I am in trouble as is the habit
I thought it was very tasty
But they really loved that rabbit
CHERYL COLE LIKE OTHER CELEBS
Cheryl Cole like other celebs
Feels she’d like to do her bit
And she wants to fight Malaria
Because you’re worth it
WHEN THEY TOLD CHERYL COLE
When they told Cheryl Cole
That she had la fièvre malerial
She just thought it must be
A new product from L’Oreal
NOT MY BETTER HALF
I went out with him
Because he was laugh
But now he’s just become
My bitter half
SHE WAS A REAL GOLD DIGGER
She was a real gold digger
And one of life’s man eaters
Who went about her task
With a net and a team of beaters
HE WAS A ROGUE WHEN HE LIVED
He was a rogue when he lived
And won’t be missed a bit
When you lay him in a box
Don’t buy the expensive kit
Or he’ll return from beyond
And then he’ll try to sell it
SHE LOOKED TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE
She looked gorgeous in
Black stockings and stiletto shoes
But after we got naked
I was singing the lady boy blues
I HAD TO DUMP MY GIRLFRIEND
I had to dump my girlfriend
I met her thru a dating agency
Because she thought that scruples
Was the Russian currency
THE TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGING
I am not opposed to the clocks
Going forward in the spring
But it could be handled better
To make it less exhausting
Take the hour from Friday afternoon
Instead of Sunday morning
ARE YOU WEARING A HAIR PIECE?
Are you wearing a hair piece?
Well that shouldn’t be a gobsmack
The wig is a shade of brown
And your own hair is jet black
ARE YOU WEARING A DUNCE’S CAP?
Are you wearing a dunce’s cap?
Of course that’s not inappropriate
I’m sorry to act surprised it’s my fault.
For a second I forgot you were an idiot
Are you wearing a pout?
Well it’s bold without a doubt
But the overwhelming impression
Is that you look like a trout
ARE YOU WEARING A PLEASANT LOOK?
Are you wearing a pleasant look?
It’s effecting me quite unnervingly
Clearly the fact that you’re smiling
Should on its own be scaring me
MY SON CAME RUSHING HOME FROM SCHOOL
My son came rushing home from school
With great excitement from the start
“I’m in the play and I play a married man
I said "So you didn’t get a speaking part?”
MY KIDS ARE MAD AT ME
I put Ginger in the Curry
And my kids are angry at that
I thought it was very tasty
But they really loved that cat
MY KIDS ARE STILL MAD AT ME
I put Ginger in the Casserole
I am in trouble as is the habit
I thought it was very tasty
But they really loved that rabbit
CHERYL COLE LIKE OTHER CELEBS
Cheryl Cole like other celebs
Feels she’d like to do her bit
And she wants to fight Malaria
Because you’re worth it
WHEN THEY TOLD CHERYL COLE
When they told Cheryl Cole
That she had la fièvre malerial
She just thought it must be
A new product from L’Oreal
NOT MY BETTER HALF
I went out with him
Because he was laugh
But now he’s just become
My bitter half
SHE WAS A REAL GOLD DIGGER
She was a real gold digger
And one of life’s man eaters
Who went about her task
With a net and a team of beaters
HE WAS A ROGUE WHEN HE LIVED
He was a rogue when he lived
And won’t be missed a bit
When you lay him in a box
Don’t buy the expensive kit
Or he’ll return from beyond
And then he’ll try to sell it
SHE LOOKED TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE
She looked gorgeous in
Black stockings and stiletto shoes
But after we got naked
I was singing the lady boy blues
I HAD TO DUMP MY GIRLFRIEND
I had to dump my girlfriend
I met her thru a dating agency
Because she thought that scruples
Was the Russian currency
THE TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGING
I am not opposed to the clocks
Going forward in the spring
But it could be handled better
To make it less exhausting
Take the hour from Friday afternoon
Instead of Sunday morning
ARE YOU WEARING A HAIR PIECE?
Are you wearing a hair piece?
Well that shouldn’t be a gobsmack
The wig is a shade of brown
And your own hair is jet black
ARE YOU WEARING A DUNCE’S CAP?
Are you wearing a dunce’s cap?
Of course that’s not inappropriate
I’m sorry to act surprised it’s my fault.
For a second I forgot you were an idiot
A Little Bit Of Humour # 53
ARE YOU WEARING A MAGICIAN’S HAT?
Are you wearing a magician’s hat?
Are you in the magic circle sphere?
But I have been wondering why
You made your clothes disappear
ARE YOU WEARING DANCING PUMPS?
Are you wearing dancing pumps?
Just like the great Darcy Bussle
But with your unusual body shape
Take care you don’t pull a muscle
ARE YOU WEARING A CORSAGE? # 2
Are you wearing a corsage?
On your elegant wrist
As you stand in the moonlight
And are sweetly kissed
ARE YOU WEARING AN ORCHID?
Are you wearing an orchid?
What a beautiful creation
Almost as beautiful as you
I would say without hesitation
ARE YOU WEARING A ROSEBUD?
Are you wearing a rosebud?
All delicate and pink
You’re allergic to flowers?
In which case I think
A wardrobe malfunction
Has revealed something pink
ARE YOU WEARING A BALL GOWN?
Are you wearing a ball gown?
And its a designer one too
Well you’re a bit over dressed
For feeding time at the zoo
ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER SHOES?
Are you wearing patent leather shoes?
Do I think they suit you? In truth no
As you’re a thirty four stone woman
Who is never going to look like Poirot
ARE YOU WEARING FISHNETS?
Are you wearing fishnets?
I’m glad they’re back in vogue
It’s the simple things in life
That appeal to this old rogue
ARE YOU WEARING A BABY DOLL DRESS?
Are you wearing a baby doll dress?
Well I don’t want to cause any distress
But are you sure that look is alright
When you’ve got that much cellulite
ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER?
Are you wearing patent leather?
Well at least it will never weather
But I would have to say honesty
On you it looks like PVC
ARE YOU WEARING FALSE PAINTED TOE NAILS?
Are you wearing false painted toe nails?
No I don’t think that they look sweet
And I think it’s a waste of money
Simple because you have Shrek feet
ARE YOU WEARING SEXY GARB?
Are you wearing sexy garb?
Well bless your heart I’m glad
But you wasted your time
Trying to look sexy is mad
You were sexy already, there
Was nothing you had to add
ARE YOU WEARING SEDUCTIVE GARB?
Are you wearing seductive garb?
Well I have to admire you style
But in order to seduce me
You need only wear a smile
ARE YOU WEARING PROVOCATIVE GARB?
Are you wearing provocative garb?
Well you might well cause some disquiet
But you are not really achieving you aim
But you might well provoke a riot
ARE YOU WEARING SEXUAL GARB?
Are you wearing sexual garb?
Well I can only offer you this barb
Wearing a codpiece and a condom
Is not going to turn anyone on
ARE YOU WEARING SLUTTY GARB?
Are you wearing slutty garb?
And are you trying to talk smut
Well I admire your endeavour, but
You’re wearing too much for a slut
Are you wearing a magician’s hat?
Are you in the magic circle sphere?
But I have been wondering why
You made your clothes disappear
ARE YOU WEARING DANCING PUMPS?
Are you wearing dancing pumps?
Just like the great Darcy Bussle
But with your unusual body shape
Take care you don’t pull a muscle
ARE YOU WEARING A CORSAGE? # 2
Are you wearing a corsage?
On your elegant wrist
As you stand in the moonlight
And are sweetly kissed
ARE YOU WEARING AN ORCHID?
Are you wearing an orchid?
What a beautiful creation
Almost as beautiful as you
I would say without hesitation
ARE YOU WEARING A ROSEBUD?
Are you wearing a rosebud?
All delicate and pink
You’re allergic to flowers?
In which case I think
A wardrobe malfunction
Has revealed something pink
ARE YOU WEARING A BALL GOWN?
Are you wearing a ball gown?
And its a designer one too
Well you’re a bit over dressed
For feeding time at the zoo
ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER SHOES?
Are you wearing patent leather shoes?
Do I think they suit you? In truth no
As you’re a thirty four stone woman
Who is never going to look like Poirot
ARE YOU WEARING FISHNETS?
Are you wearing fishnets?
I’m glad they’re back in vogue
It’s the simple things in life
That appeal to this old rogue
ARE YOU WEARING A BABY DOLL DRESS?
Are you wearing a baby doll dress?
Well I don’t want to cause any distress
But are you sure that look is alright
When you’ve got that much cellulite
ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER?
Are you wearing patent leather?
Well at least it will never weather
But I would have to say honesty
On you it looks like PVC
ARE YOU WEARING FALSE PAINTED TOE NAILS?
Are you wearing false painted toe nails?
No I don’t think that they look sweet
And I think it’s a waste of money
Simple because you have Shrek feet
ARE YOU WEARING SEXY GARB?
Are you wearing sexy garb?
Well bless your heart I’m glad
But you wasted your time
Trying to look sexy is mad
You were sexy already, there
Was nothing you had to add
ARE YOU WEARING SEDUCTIVE GARB?
Are you wearing seductive garb?
Well I have to admire you style
But in order to seduce me
You need only wear a smile
ARE YOU WEARING PROVOCATIVE GARB?
Are you wearing provocative garb?
Well you might well cause some disquiet
But you are not really achieving you aim
But you might well provoke a riot
ARE YOU WEARING SEXUAL GARB?
Are you wearing sexual garb?
Well I can only offer you this barb
Wearing a codpiece and a condom
Is not going to turn anyone on
ARE YOU WEARING SLUTTY GARB?
Are you wearing slutty garb?
And are you trying to talk smut
Well I admire your endeavour, but
You’re wearing too much for a slut
A Little Bit Of Humour # 52
ARE YOU WEARING A FOOTBALL SHIRT?
Are you wearing a football shirt?
I like lady footballers for my sins
My only regret in your regard
Is you choose shirts instead of skins
ARE YOU WEARING FOOTMALL SOCKS?
Are you wearing football socks?
Well yes you’ve got the right team
But you have forgotten to wear
The rest of the kit it would seem
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 323
Higgledy Piggledy
My pet hen
Has shat all over
The carpet again
ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY KNEES?
“Are you looking at my knees?”
She asked me right out flat
I just looked at her coyly
And said “No I’m above that”
ARE YOU WEARING BREEKS?
Are you wearing breeks?
And very fetching they are Hen
And now if you wouldn’t mind
Can you take them off again?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 324
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To where the Vodka was stashed
And on the quiet moonlit hill
The two of them got smashed
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 325
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn’t know where to find them
But we all know that Greek Giorgio
Has already Kebabed them
ARE YOU WEARING A DISGUISE?
Are you wearing a disguise?
I think that’s probably wise
For to risk discovery is rash
For special agent Dick Splash
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A GIGGLE?
Are you wearing that for a giggle?
And I love your sense of humour
And I you have a good one too
Despite the contrary rumour
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 326
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a geezer
Who stood right behind her
And gave her a goose whey hey
ARE YOU WEARING A TRICORN HAT?
Are you wearing a tricorn hat?
It looks quite comfortable
I hope you’re going to a party
And you don’t think you’re John Bull
ARE YOU WEARING A BICORN HAT?
Are you wearing a bicorn hat?
With red, white and blue on
I hope you’re going to a party
And you don’t think you’re Wellington
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 327
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch the poor dog a bone
Then she remembered
She didn’t have a dog
ARE YOU WEARING A COCKED HAT?
Are you wearing a cocked hat?
With red, white and blue on
I hope you’re going to a party
And you don’t think you’re Napolean
ARE YOU WEARING A WIZARD’S HAT?
Are you wearing a wizard’s hat?
Just like they do at Hogwarts
But it’s not really appropriate
For when you’re playing sports
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 328
Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket full of rye
Its two and a half p now
But that doesn’t rhyme
Are you wearing a football shirt?
I like lady footballers for my sins
My only regret in your regard
Is you choose shirts instead of skins
ARE YOU WEARING FOOTMALL SOCKS?
Are you wearing football socks?
Well yes you’ve got the right team
But you have forgotten to wear
The rest of the kit it would seem
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 323
Higgledy Piggledy
My pet hen
Has shat all over
The carpet again
ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY KNEES?
“Are you looking at my knees?”
She asked me right out flat
I just looked at her coyly
And said “No I’m above that”
ARE YOU WEARING BREEKS?
Are you wearing breeks?
And very fetching they are Hen
And now if you wouldn’t mind
Can you take them off again?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 324
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To where the Vodka was stashed
And on the quiet moonlit hill
The two of them got smashed
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 325
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn’t know where to find them
But we all know that Greek Giorgio
Has already Kebabed them
ARE YOU WEARING A DISGUISE?
Are you wearing a disguise?
I think that’s probably wise
For to risk discovery is rash
For special agent Dick Splash
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A GIGGLE?
Are you wearing that for a giggle?
And I love your sense of humour
And I you have a good one too
Despite the contrary rumour
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 326
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a geezer
Who stood right behind her
And gave her a goose whey hey
ARE YOU WEARING A TRICORN HAT?
Are you wearing a tricorn hat?
It looks quite comfortable
I hope you’re going to a party
And you don’t think you’re John Bull
ARE YOU WEARING A BICORN HAT?
Are you wearing a bicorn hat?
With red, white and blue on
I hope you’re going to a party
And you don’t think you’re Wellington
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 327
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch the poor dog a bone
Then she remembered
She didn’t have a dog
ARE YOU WEARING A COCKED HAT?
Are you wearing a cocked hat?
With red, white and blue on
I hope you’re going to a party
And you don’t think you’re Napolean
ARE YOU WEARING A WIZARD’S HAT?
Are you wearing a wizard’s hat?
Just like they do at Hogwarts
But it’s not really appropriate
For when you’re playing sports
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 328
Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket full of rye
Its two and a half p now
But that doesn’t rhyme
A Little Bit Of Humour # 51
ARE YOU WEARING A CORSAGE? # 1
Are you wearing a corsage?
On your ample rounded breast
What a beautiful creation
I like the little rose bud best
SNOW NOTSO-WHITE AND THE SEVEN DIRTY DWARFS
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's home from work we go
We all have ways to relax at night
Cokey snorts some Snow White
Creepy likes flashing in the park
Sleezy self abuses in the dark
Gropey likes trains in rush hour
Humpy pays for girls by the hour
Lustful hangs around at the docks
And Prof comes home with the pox
SALT AND SHAKE
When I was a kid all crisps were plain
But we didn’t care about that a jot
After all we still had the choice
Of whether to put the salt on or not
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 319
Mary had a little bra
Which wasn’t really fair
Because like her mother
She had a massive pair
SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DAY WEEK
On Monday Snow White feels Sneezy
On Tuesday she’s feeling grumpy
By Wednesday she feels Dopey
And On Thursday she’s feeling Bashful
On Friday Snow White feels Happy
And On Saturday she feels Sleepy
But on Sunday when she wants a rest
Then Doc gets inside her vest
ARE YOU WEARING GLITTER EYE LASHES?
Are you wearing glitter eye lashes?
It’s a very interesting look
Not enough people make themselves
Appear ridiculous in my book
ARE YOU WEARING A CHEST WIG?
Are you wearing a chest wig?
Did you get it off a yeti?
He must be cold without it
But it does suit you Betty
WE USED TO EAT A LOT OF RICE
We used to eat a lot of rice
When I was a boy, no kidding
But never for our dinner, we had it
With condensed milk for pudding
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 320
Mary had some little drawers
Which always struck me dumb
Because like her mother
She had a massive bum
ARE YOU WEARING A SLEEPSUIT?
Are you wearing a sleepsuit?
Well on a baby it looks cute
Even on my girlfriend it can
But not on a fifty year old man
ARE YOU WEARING PJ’S?
Are you wearing PJ’s?
Well all I can say is phwor
Betty Boop is my favourite
And I’ve never wanted you more
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 321
There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Unlike all her mates
Who had theirs waxed
ARE YOU WEARING A REPLICA SHIRT?
Are you wearing a replica shirt?
So what team is it you support?
I don’t recognise the badge
Who the hell are Southport?
ARE YOU WEARING FOOTBALL BOOTS?
Are you wearing football boots?
Well I can see you’re ready to play
I have just one small criticism
Namely we’re playing golf today
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 322
It’s raining its pouring
The weather’s wet and stormy
I went to bed because they said
It’s due to global warming
A Little Bit Of Humour # 50
ARE YOU WEARING A SINGLE FAKE EYELASH?
Are you wearing a single fake eyelash?
I’m almost certain there should be two
What happened to the other one?
Did someone beat it to death with a shoe?
PIZZA FAME
When my Dad was just a boy
He had never heard of pizza
But he thought it was famed
For having a leaning tower
YOU CAN STOP MILK TURNING SOUR
You can stop milk turning sour
And I can tell you how
There is one sure fire way
And that’s to keep it in the cow
I WAS ABSOLUTELY GUTTED WHEN I FOUND
I was absolutely gutted when I found
My wife was having an affair
A friend Mo, said turn to religion
And she can be stoned in the town square
GET A PENIS ENLARGER
“Get a penis enlarger”
My wife once said to me
So I found myself
Twenty year old Kelly
JOHN WAS THROWN OUT OF SCHOOL
John was thrown out of school
Because a girl played with his nob
That’s the third school in a year
He won’t easily find another job
WHEN TIMES ARE HARD, A WOMAN
When times are hard, a woman
Must resort to sexual intimacies
Due to the high cost of living
She can’t afford the batteries
DUE TO A WATER SHORTAGE IN WOKING
Due to a water shortage in Woking
The Council has issued an edict
And the swimming pools response
Is to close lanes four, five and six
HEIGH-HO, HEIGH-HO
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's off to work we go
Well we don’t exactly work at night
We just Pimp out Snow White
JUST A TANTALISING HINT OF THE EXOTIC
Just a tantalising hint of the exotic
Beneath the hem of your skirt
I’m interested in whatever it is
It’s quite driving me berserk
Can you give me the slightest hint?
Or be upfront I really don’t mind
I won’t be embarrassed at all
I love underwear of any kind
The garment into which you slipped
If it’s an under slip, something of that kind
If you were to slip yourself out of it
If you felt so inclined I wouldn’t mind
YOU ARE WELL ENDOWED
You are well endowed
Is it all you?
Or is it padded up there
I won’t care
If you let me in up there
And what about below stairs
Just let me get in under there
Into your under wear
And I will find your derriere
Among your treasures
And some mutual pleasures
HIS HEAD WAS SO FULL OF FILTH
His head was so full of filth
And dirty thoughts
Which all centered around
Getting into her shorts
And when the act was culminated,
By all reports
It was clear he wasn’t the only one
With dirty thoughts
I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO MY EX WIFE
I tried to explain to my ex wife
The basic premise of reincarnation
Which is that when you die you get
To return as part of God’s creation
But, you come back as a different creature
After a moment’s thought she said
“I want to come back as a cow “
The concept had clearly gone over her head
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 318
Three each day
Seven days a week
Ruddy Apple
Ruddy Cheek
Hardly a varied diet
Is it?
ARE YOU WEARING CORDUROY?
Are you wearing corduroy?
Oh you twenty-first century boy
You’re dressed as teacher would be
If he lived in nineteen seventy
Are you wearing a single fake eyelash?
I’m almost certain there should be two
What happened to the other one?
Did someone beat it to death with a shoe?
PIZZA FAME
When my Dad was just a boy
He had never heard of pizza
But he thought it was famed
For having a leaning tower
YOU CAN STOP MILK TURNING SOUR
You can stop milk turning sour
And I can tell you how
There is one sure fire way
And that’s to keep it in the cow
I WAS ABSOLUTELY GUTTED WHEN I FOUND
I was absolutely gutted when I found
My wife was having an affair
A friend Mo, said turn to religion
And she can be stoned in the town square
GET A PENIS ENLARGER
“Get a penis enlarger”
My wife once said to me
So I found myself
Twenty year old Kelly
JOHN WAS THROWN OUT OF SCHOOL
John was thrown out of school
Because a girl played with his nob
That’s the third school in a year
He won’t easily find another job
WHEN TIMES ARE HARD, A WOMAN
When times are hard, a woman
Must resort to sexual intimacies
Due to the high cost of living
She can’t afford the batteries
DUE TO A WATER SHORTAGE IN WOKING
Due to a water shortage in Woking
The Council has issued an edict
And the swimming pools response
Is to close lanes four, five and six
HEIGH-HO, HEIGH-HO
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's off to work we go
Well we don’t exactly work at night
We just Pimp out Snow White
JUST A TANTALISING HINT OF THE EXOTIC
Just a tantalising hint of the exotic
Beneath the hem of your skirt
I’m interested in whatever it is
It’s quite driving me berserk
Can you give me the slightest hint?
Or be upfront I really don’t mind
I won’t be embarrassed at all
I love underwear of any kind
The garment into which you slipped
If it’s an under slip, something of that kind
If you were to slip yourself out of it
If you felt so inclined I wouldn’t mind
YOU ARE WELL ENDOWED
You are well endowed
Is it all you?
Or is it padded up there
I won’t care
If you let me in up there
And what about below stairs
Just let me get in under there
Into your under wear
And I will find your derriere
Among your treasures
And some mutual pleasures
HIS HEAD WAS SO FULL OF FILTH
His head was so full of filth
And dirty thoughts
Which all centered around
Getting into her shorts
And when the act was culminated,
By all reports
It was clear he wasn’t the only one
With dirty thoughts
I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO MY EX WIFE
I tried to explain to my ex wife
The basic premise of reincarnation
Which is that when you die you get
To return as part of God’s creation
But, you come back as a different creature
After a moment’s thought she said
“I want to come back as a cow “
The concept had clearly gone over her head
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 318
Three each day
Seven days a week
Ruddy Apple
Ruddy Cheek
Hardly a varied diet
Is it?
ARE YOU WEARING CORDUROY?
Are you wearing corduroy?
Oh you twenty-first century boy
You’re dressed as teacher would be
If he lived in nineteen seventy
Sunday 13 April 2014
A Little Bit Of Humour # 49
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR FUN?
Are you wearing it for fun?
Well that a very funny one
But what’s even funnier
Is that your flies are undone
TAKEAWAYS
When my Dad was just a boy
They didn’t have takeaways
Except in maths which were
Called subtraction in olden days
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 317
Jack Spratt ate not fat
His wife would eat no lean
So she is clinically obese
And he looks like a bean
ARE YOU WEARING A DOILY?
Are you wearing a doily?
Oh it’s some kind of hat?
Oh it’s called a fascinator?
Well I never heard of that
I GOT A TABLET FOR MY BIRTHDAY
I got a Tablet for my Birthday
My wife said “Hip hip hooray”
And I lost all interest in the plasma
When I saw it was Viagra
OPTIMISTS SEE THE WORLD
Optimists see the world,
Each and every day anew
Through Rose tinted lenses
The tint of mine is blue
Which colour my world
With everything I view
IF YOU GET AN EMAIL OR TWO
If you get an email or two
About catching Swine Flu
From tinned cooked ham
Delete them as its Spam
WHEN I WAS A KID I WAS COVERED
When I was a kid I was covered
In chocolate cake dough
Cherries and whipped cream
Life was hard in the gateau
SHE SAID SHE LIKED THE FOUR SEASONS
She said she liked the four seasons
When we first met
So for our first anniversary
I bought her a cruet set
FILTRATION IS ONE OF THE PROCESSES
Filtration is one of the processes
By which water can be made safe to drink
Flirtation is one of the processes
By which couples can see what they think
IT IS A PIVOTAL POINT IN HIS LIFE
It is a pivotal point in his life
When a boy reaches puberty
As he says goodbye to boyhood
And is on the way to his adultery
THE MOST COMMON FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL
The most common form of birth control
Is not as is widely believed, contraception
Birth control is when a man says he wants sex
And the woman employs contradiction
WHEN I PHONE A WOMAN
When I phone a woman
And talk dirty to her
I’m a sexual harasser
But when a woman
Talks dirty to me
I am a good customer
I WAS APPROACHED BY A WOMAN
I was approached by a woman
Doing customer researcher
I decided as I wasn’t in a hurry
I would stop and assist her
"What do you use for grooming?
Perhaps you could take a look”
“No need to consult your list”
I said “I only use “Facebook””
I MET A BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE PARK
I met a beautiful girl in the park
And the sparks flew, literally
She knocked me off my feet
Because she used a Taser on me
Are you wearing it for fun?
Well that a very funny one
But what’s even funnier
Is that your flies are undone
TAKEAWAYS
When my Dad was just a boy
They didn’t have takeaways
Except in maths which were
Called subtraction in olden days
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 317
Jack Spratt ate not fat
His wife would eat no lean
So she is clinically obese
And he looks like a bean
ARE YOU WEARING A DOILY?
Are you wearing a doily?
Oh it’s some kind of hat?
Oh it’s called a fascinator?
Well I never heard of that
I GOT A TABLET FOR MY BIRTHDAY
I got a Tablet for my Birthday
My wife said “Hip hip hooray”
And I lost all interest in the plasma
When I saw it was Viagra
OPTIMISTS SEE THE WORLD
Optimists see the world,
Each and every day anew
Through Rose tinted lenses
The tint of mine is blue
Which colour my world
With everything I view
IF YOU GET AN EMAIL OR TWO
If you get an email or two
About catching Swine Flu
From tinned cooked ham
Delete them as its Spam
WHEN I WAS A KID I WAS COVERED
When I was a kid I was covered
In chocolate cake dough
Cherries and whipped cream
Life was hard in the gateau
SHE SAID SHE LIKED THE FOUR SEASONS
She said she liked the four seasons
When we first met
So for our first anniversary
I bought her a cruet set
FILTRATION IS ONE OF THE PROCESSES
Filtration is one of the processes
By which water can be made safe to drink
Flirtation is one of the processes
By which couples can see what they think
IT IS A PIVOTAL POINT IN HIS LIFE
It is a pivotal point in his life
When a boy reaches puberty
As he says goodbye to boyhood
And is on the way to his adultery
THE MOST COMMON FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL
The most common form of birth control
Is not as is widely believed, contraception
Birth control is when a man says he wants sex
And the woman employs contradiction
WHEN I PHONE A WOMAN
When I phone a woman
And talk dirty to her
I’m a sexual harasser
But when a woman
Talks dirty to me
I am a good customer
I WAS APPROACHED BY A WOMAN
I was approached by a woman
Doing customer researcher
I decided as I wasn’t in a hurry
I would stop and assist her
"What do you use for grooming?
Perhaps you could take a look”
“No need to consult your list”
I said “I only use “Facebook””
I MET A BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE PARK
I met a beautiful girl in the park
And the sparks flew, literally
She knocked me off my feet
Because she used a Taser on me
A Little Bit Of Humour # 48
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A LAUGH?
Are you wearing it for a laugh?
It’s overly sweet in fact it’s cloying
I know it’s supposed to be funny
But to me it’s just annoying
PINEAPPLE DUFFER
When my Dad was just a boy
Pineapple slices came in a tin
And had he put it on his dinner
Bedlam would have taken him
WHEN YOU MARRY
When you marry
Choose a partner
You love to talk to
Because when
Attraction fades
And lover becomes friend
Because conversation
Maybe all that’s left
HE WASN’T A SOPHISTICATE
He wasn’t a sophisticate
Which for some can be a plus
But he always thought
That a coach was a posh bus
FIFA HAS BEEN INEFFECTUAL
FIFA has been ineffectual
In its fight against Racism
In stark contrast with the rise
Of pan European Fascism
Who seem more likely to
Kick football out of Racism
CHELSEA FLOWER SHOW
At Chelsea my mother
Ran naked thru the judge’s tent
And she won first prize
For the best dry arrangement
ARE YOU WEARING A SELF-IMPORTANT LOOK?
Are you wearing a self-important look?
Well I would say you are in my opinion
And further more I will bet my house
On the fact that you are a politician
CUSTOMER SATISFACTION
I was so unhappy
With the service
At my local café
I wrote an insult
On the table
In tomato ketchup
Before leaving
Which is what I call
Complaining with Relish
THE DRUG MULE SURPRISE
The drug mule
Smuggled cocaine
In little plastic eggs
More accustomed
To holding a toy
And that’s what I call
A Kindle Surprise
WHEN MY WIFE REACHED FORTY
When my wife reached forty
Despite all the happy memories
I was left with no alternative
But to change her for two twenties
AN OPTIMISTIC OPTICIAN
I go to an optimistic optician
When I need my biannual checks
The only downside is that he
Always sells me rose tinted specs
SHE BLUSHED TO HER ROOTS
She blushed to her roots
When he gave his diagnosis
Which caused him to delay
In delivering the prognosis
Then it dawned on him as he
Looked at the blushing Dinah
So he said to her much louder
“I said you have acute angina”
KARL MARX LIKED HERBAL TEA
Karl Marx liked herbal tea
In his place on the left
And he preferred it because
All proper tea was theft
21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 316
Jack ate all the lean
Jill ate all the fat
So now he’s anorexic
And she is always sat
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR FUN?
Are you wearing that for fun?
That’s a good enough reason Hon
I really love you in the black one
But I love more when it’s undone
Are you wearing it for a laugh?
It’s overly sweet in fact it’s cloying
I know it’s supposed to be funny
But to me it’s just annoying
PINEAPPLE DUFFER
When my Dad was just a boy
Pineapple slices came in a tin
And had he put it on his dinner
Bedlam would have taken him
WHEN YOU MARRY
When you marry
Choose a partner
You love to talk to
Because when
Attraction fades
And lover becomes friend
Because conversation
Maybe all that’s left
HE WASN’T A SOPHISTICATE
He wasn’t a sophisticate
Which for some can be a plus
But he always thought
That a coach was a posh bus
FIFA HAS BEEN INEFFECTUAL
FIFA has been ineffectual
In its fight against Racism
In stark contrast with the rise
Of pan European Fascism
Who seem more likely to
Kick football out of Racism
CHELSEA FLOWER SHOW
At Chelsea my mother
Ran naked thru the judge’s tent
And she won first prize
For the best dry arrangement
ARE YOU WEARING A SELF-IMPORTANT LOOK?
Are you wearing a self-important look?
Well I would say you are in my opinion
And further more I will bet my house
On the fact that you are a politician
CUSTOMER SATISFACTION
I was so unhappy
With the service
At my local café
I wrote an insult
On the table
In tomato ketchup
Before leaving
Which is what I call
Complaining with Relish
THE DRUG MULE SURPRISE
The drug mule
Smuggled cocaine
In little plastic eggs
More accustomed
To holding a toy
And that’s what I call
A Kindle Surprise
WHEN MY WIFE REACHED FORTY
When my wife reached forty
Despite all the happy memories
I was left with no alternative
But to change her for two twenties
AN OPTIMISTIC OPTICIAN
I go to an optimistic optician
When I need my biannual checks
The only downside is that he
Always sells me rose tinted specs
SHE BLUSHED TO HER ROOTS
She blushed to her roots
When he gave his diagnosis
Which caused him to delay
In delivering the prognosis
Then it dawned on him as he
Looked at the blushing Dinah
So he said to her much louder
“I said you have acute angina”
KARL MARX LIKED HERBAL TEA
Karl Marx liked herbal tea
In his place on the left
And he preferred it because
All proper tea was theft
21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 316
Jack ate all the lean
Jill ate all the fat
So now he’s anorexic
And she is always sat
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR FUN?
Are you wearing that for fun?
That’s a good enough reason Hon
I really love you in the black one
But I love more when it’s undone
A Little Bit Of Humour # 47
ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF DISAPPOINTMENT?
Are you wearing a look of disappointment?
Well I think you’re guilty of lily gilding
Because at your age using Viagra is like
Putting a new flagpole on a condemned building
WATER BOY
When my Granddad was a boy
Water came out of the tap
It was the wonder of the age
Fresh water from your tap
If a man had even suggested
They bottle it and sell it
For more than the price of beer
He’d have been repeatedly hit
I WENT TO THE CEMETERY WITH GRANDDAD
I went to the cemetery with Granddad
To visit the grave of Grandma Dot
But after an hour of wandering around
I thought Granddad had lost the plot
WHEN MY DAD WAS A BOY
When my dad was a boy
There was no such thing as sushi
In fact during the depression
Eating raw fish was considered poverty
LEADERS OF THE GREAT NATIONS
Leaders of the great nations
Who want respect from society
Should moderate their behaviours
And steer clear of notoriety
HAVE FAITH
Have faith
In the force from afar
Trust in God
But lock the car
IF YOU SEE A MAN RUNNING FROM A LION
If you see a man running from a Lion
Run like hell, run as fast as you can
But you don’t need to out run the Lion
You just need to run faster than the man
IF YOU SEE A BOMB DISPOSAL MAN
If you see a bomb disposal man
Running away from the bomb
You should at least keep up with him
Or out run him with aplomb
THE SIMPLE TRUTH OF AVIATION
The simple truth
Up in the skies
If a pilot messes up,
Then the pilot dies
If a controller messes up
Then the pilot dies
IN ONE RESPECT WE HAVE
In one respect we have
I can proudly declare
A perfect aviation record
We never left one up there
IF YOU GET INTO DIFFICULTY
If you get into difficulty
During the flight
Then flying the aeroplane
And getting it right
Is more important
Than radioing your plight
To someone on the ground
Who, no matter how sound
Are incapable of understanding it
Or doing anything about it
TINY THING
Tiny thing
A new baby
Totally dependent
A new life
That new Parents
Have to keep alive
Like a Tamagotchi
But without a reset
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 315
Ding dong dell
Pussy’s in the well
And that’s what happens
When you piss in my garden
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A LAUGH?
Are you wearing that for a laugh?
Well you are a sight not to be missed
But given the fact we’re in church
I would suggest that you are pissed
Are you wearing a look of disappointment?
Well I think you’re guilty of lily gilding
Because at your age using Viagra is like
Putting a new flagpole on a condemned building
WATER BOY
When my Granddad was a boy
Water came out of the tap
It was the wonder of the age
Fresh water from your tap
If a man had even suggested
They bottle it and sell it
For more than the price of beer
He’d have been repeatedly hit
I WENT TO THE CEMETERY WITH GRANDDAD
I went to the cemetery with Granddad
To visit the grave of Grandma Dot
But after an hour of wandering around
I thought Granddad had lost the plot
WHEN MY DAD WAS A BOY
When my dad was a boy
There was no such thing as sushi
In fact during the depression
Eating raw fish was considered poverty
LEADERS OF THE GREAT NATIONS
Leaders of the great nations
Who want respect from society
Should moderate their behaviours
And steer clear of notoriety
HAVE FAITH
Have faith
In the force from afar
Trust in God
But lock the car
IF YOU SEE A MAN RUNNING FROM A LION
If you see a man running from a Lion
Run like hell, run as fast as you can
But you don’t need to out run the Lion
You just need to run faster than the man
IF YOU SEE A BOMB DISPOSAL MAN
If you see a bomb disposal man
Running away from the bomb
You should at least keep up with him
Or out run him with aplomb
THE SIMPLE TRUTH OF AVIATION
The simple truth
Up in the skies
If a pilot messes up,
Then the pilot dies
If a controller messes up
Then the pilot dies
IN ONE RESPECT WE HAVE
In one respect we have
I can proudly declare
A perfect aviation record
We never left one up there
IF YOU GET INTO DIFFICULTY
If you get into difficulty
During the flight
Then flying the aeroplane
And getting it right
Is more important
Than radioing your plight
To someone on the ground
Who, no matter how sound
Are incapable of understanding it
Or doing anything about it
TINY THING
Tiny thing
A new baby
Totally dependent
A new life
That new Parents
Have to keep alive
Like a Tamagotchi
But without a reset
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 315
Ding dong dell
Pussy’s in the well
And that’s what happens
When you piss in my garden
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A LAUGH?
Are you wearing that for a laugh?
Well you are a sight not to be missed
But given the fact we’re in church
I would suggest that you are pissed
A Little Bit Of Humour # 46
ARE YOU WEARING A TIRED EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a tired expression?
There is also a hint of depression
I recognize that look on a man
You’re a Manchester United fan
OILY FOOD
When my Dad was a boy, there was
No cooking oil or anything like that
Oil was for lubricating the garden gate
And you cooked everything in fat
PENSIONERS DON’T COUNT PENNIES
Pensioners don’t count pennies
Out of necessity
It’s just that only they
Have the time you see
MY SATNAV IS A VERY HELPFUL DEVICE
My Satnav is a very helpful device
But you don’t need to takes its advice
Sometimes you have to give it a rest
Because it doesn’t always know best
EVERY TOM
When you hear
The chorus, from where
The alley cats tarry
Just remember
That every tom
Has a dick, Harry
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 314
What are little boys made of?
Snips and Snails
And puppy dogs tails?
Not bloody likely
ARE YOU WEARING A SELF-SATISFIED EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a self-satisfied expression?
It’s what I would expect from a banker
But in short what I’m actually saying
Is that I just think you’re a wanker
I FOLLOWED A CAR WITH A BUMPER STICKER
I followed a car with a bumper sticker
“Vets drive like an animal” Was the gist
Then I was almost run off the road
By what must have been a Gynecologist
HE DIDN’T CUT A DASH
He did not in anyway
Cut a dash
His skinny legs
Hung below his shorts
Like two pieces
Of knotted string
And yet he ran
Like a gazelle
SMOKING ISN’T BAD FOR YOU
Smoking isn’t bad for you
Not in my personal view
And what I based that on
Was that it cured my bacon
AN EMPTY TANGO
An empty tango
Tin can
Propelled by
A careless hand
Through the window
As the car sped
Set it dancing
The tin can fandango
In balletic style
It rhythmically moves
Doing the
The litterbug Jitterbug
A NEW MUMMY HAS BEEN DISCOVERED
A new mummy has been discovered
In Egypt by an Italian Professor
It was covered in chocolate and nuts
And is believed to be Pharaoh Rocher
TO THOSE WHO LOOTED
To those who looted electrical goods during rioting,
A Police press conference announced today
Should be aware of the consequences so remember this
The one year manufacturer's warranty runs out in May
A MAN RAN SCREAMING FROM A BUILDING
A man ran screaming from a building
"It’s a boy, I don't believe it, it’s a boy!"
Which would have been quite touching
Had he not been running from a house of joy
APPARENTLY PEOPLE IN DUBAI
Apparently people in Dubai
Don’t understand the Flintstones
And that is the popular view
But it’s not a cultural thing
Nor is it East versus West
As people in Abu Dhabi Do
Are you wearing a tired expression?
There is also a hint of depression
I recognize that look on a man
You’re a Manchester United fan
OILY FOOD
When my Dad was a boy, there was
No cooking oil or anything like that
Oil was for lubricating the garden gate
And you cooked everything in fat
PENSIONERS DON’T COUNT PENNIES
Pensioners don’t count pennies
Out of necessity
It’s just that only they
Have the time you see
MY SATNAV IS A VERY HELPFUL DEVICE
My Satnav is a very helpful device
But you don’t need to takes its advice
Sometimes you have to give it a rest
Because it doesn’t always know best
EVERY TOM
When you hear
The chorus, from where
The alley cats tarry
Just remember
That every tom
Has a dick, Harry
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 314
What are little boys made of?
Snips and Snails
And puppy dogs tails?
Not bloody likely
ARE YOU WEARING A SELF-SATISFIED EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a self-satisfied expression?
It’s what I would expect from a banker
But in short what I’m actually saying
Is that I just think you’re a wanker
I FOLLOWED A CAR WITH A BUMPER STICKER
I followed a car with a bumper sticker
“Vets drive like an animal” Was the gist
Then I was almost run off the road
By what must have been a Gynecologist
HE DIDN’T CUT A DASH
He did not in anyway
Cut a dash
His skinny legs
Hung below his shorts
Like two pieces
Of knotted string
And yet he ran
Like a gazelle
SMOKING ISN’T BAD FOR YOU
Smoking isn’t bad for you
Not in my personal view
And what I based that on
Was that it cured my bacon
AN EMPTY TANGO
An empty tango
Tin can
Propelled by
A careless hand
Through the window
As the car sped
Set it dancing
The tin can fandango
In balletic style
It rhythmically moves
Doing the
The litterbug Jitterbug
A NEW MUMMY HAS BEEN DISCOVERED
A new mummy has been discovered
In Egypt by an Italian Professor
It was covered in chocolate and nuts
And is believed to be Pharaoh Rocher
TO THOSE WHO LOOTED
To those who looted electrical goods during rioting,
A Police press conference announced today
Should be aware of the consequences so remember this
The one year manufacturer's warranty runs out in May
A MAN RAN SCREAMING FROM A BUILDING
A man ran screaming from a building
"It’s a boy, I don't believe it, it’s a boy!"
Which would have been quite touching
Had he not been running from a house of joy
APPARENTLY PEOPLE IN DUBAI
Apparently people in Dubai
Don’t understand the Flintstones
And that is the popular view
But it’s not a cultural thing
Nor is it East versus West
As people in Abu Dhabi Do
A Little Bit Of Humour # 45
ARE YOU WEARING OXFORD BAGS?
Are you wearing Oxford Bags?
Well the obvious question that begs
If they are no longer in fashion
Is it because you have baggy legs
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 313
Wee Willie Winkie
Runs through the town
Upstairs and downstairs
With his trousers down
He was aptly named
THERE WERE MANY THINGS IN THE FIFTIES
There were many things in the fifties
Because of rationing God knows
That didn’t make the dinner table
But the one constant were no elbows
DESCRIBING RETIREMENT
The best way to describe
Retirement is make no mistake
If you ask a pensioner
A never ending coffee break
PUT DOWN # 57
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when he driving you mental
"Any connection between your reality
And mine is purely coincidental”
SHE TELLS ME WHEN TO START
She tells me when to start
And when not to hesitate
She tells me when to stop
And when I should indicate
She tells me when to speed
And when to use the brake
She tell me when to stay in lane
And when it’s safe to overtake
She tells me if I leave a gap
And when I get too near
She tells me when to accelerate
And when I should change gear
She tells me when the light is green
And when the light is red
I don’t know why I married her
She’s just the same in bed
SHE PHONED FROM THE SPERM BANK
She phoned from the sperm bank
For donations and to be truthful
I hung up, but she phoned again
And then I gave her a mouthful
THE DOOR OPENED AND I SAID
The door opened and I said “Ah madam
Can I show you this carpet sweeper”
“No” she replied “and don’t call me madam
You make me sound like a brothel keeper”
INOCULATIONS ARE A DRAG
Inoculations are a drag
Just remember it’s the jabs
That might well prevent
Many ending up on slabs
LONDON 2012 OPENING CEREMONY
Nothing surprised me more
About the 2012 Olympics
Than the opening ceremony
It was astonishingly good
I must admit I had my doubts
I feared a parade of stretch Limos
Disgorging scores of scantily clad
Essex girls wearing plastic tiaras
And a climax of the ceremony
Would have been a group
Of Hurray Henrys from the city
Dropping their trousers
And farting out a rendition
Of Rule Britannia
Before one of the bare arsed brokers
Would use an Olympic torch
To light a fart
And subsequently ignite
The Olympic flame
I LIKED THE OLD BOND MOVIES
With reliable heroes
And camp villains
But I watched on recently
And I found it quite exhausting
Foot chases, car chases,
Running here, driving there
It left me quite out of breath
It didn’t leave room for a story
The old Bond films had a story
Punctuated with action
Now they had action
Punctuated by more action
Bond was one of a kind
But now I’m not sure
If I’m watching James Bond
Or Jason Bourne
WHAT A SILLY ASS
What a silly Ass
So Asinine
Quite complacent
That ass of mine
I WORK IN AN OFFICE THAT’S SO QUIET
I work in an office that’s so quiet
I suggested without misgiving
That we should all join hands
In order to contact the living
DEAR MR CADBURY
Dear Mr Cadbury I would like to say in my view
That to find Someone, Is something of a coup
Who enjoys a chocolate finger as much as I do
ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF DIFFIDENCE?
Are you wearing a look of diffidence?
Why do you lack of self-confidence?
You have a look to leave them agog
And you’re as fit as a butcher’s dog
Are you wearing Oxford Bags?
Well the obvious question that begs
If they are no longer in fashion
Is it because you have baggy legs
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 313
Wee Willie Winkie
Runs through the town
Upstairs and downstairs
With his trousers down
He was aptly named
THERE WERE MANY THINGS IN THE FIFTIES
There were many things in the fifties
Because of rationing God knows
That didn’t make the dinner table
But the one constant were no elbows
DESCRIBING RETIREMENT
The best way to describe
Retirement is make no mistake
If you ask a pensioner
A never ending coffee break
PUT DOWN # 57
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when he driving you mental
"Any connection between your reality
And mine is purely coincidental”
SHE TELLS ME WHEN TO START
She tells me when to start
And when not to hesitate
She tells me when to stop
And when I should indicate
She tells me when to speed
And when to use the brake
She tell me when to stay in lane
And when it’s safe to overtake
She tells me if I leave a gap
And when I get too near
She tells me when to accelerate
And when I should change gear
She tells me when the light is green
And when the light is red
I don’t know why I married her
She’s just the same in bed
SHE PHONED FROM THE SPERM BANK
She phoned from the sperm bank
For donations and to be truthful
I hung up, but she phoned again
And then I gave her a mouthful
THE DOOR OPENED AND I SAID
The door opened and I said “Ah madam
Can I show you this carpet sweeper”
“No” she replied “and don’t call me madam
You make me sound like a brothel keeper”
INOCULATIONS ARE A DRAG
Inoculations are a drag
Just remember it’s the jabs
That might well prevent
Many ending up on slabs
LONDON 2012 OPENING CEREMONY
Nothing surprised me more
About the 2012 Olympics
Than the opening ceremony
It was astonishingly good
I must admit I had my doubts
I feared a parade of stretch Limos
Disgorging scores of scantily clad
Essex girls wearing plastic tiaras
And a climax of the ceremony
Would have been a group
Of Hurray Henrys from the city
Dropping their trousers
And farting out a rendition
Of Rule Britannia
Before one of the bare arsed brokers
Would use an Olympic torch
To light a fart
And subsequently ignite
The Olympic flame
I LIKED THE OLD BOND MOVIES
With reliable heroes
And camp villains
But I watched on recently
And I found it quite exhausting
Foot chases, car chases,
Running here, driving there
It left me quite out of breath
It didn’t leave room for a story
The old Bond films had a story
Punctuated with action
Now they had action
Punctuated by more action
Bond was one of a kind
But now I’m not sure
If I’m watching James Bond
Or Jason Bourne
WHAT A SILLY ASS
What a silly Ass
So Asinine
Quite complacent
That ass of mine
I WORK IN AN OFFICE THAT’S SO QUIET
I work in an office that’s so quiet
I suggested without misgiving
That we should all join hands
In order to contact the living
DEAR MR CADBURY
Dear Mr Cadbury I would like to say in my view
That to find Someone, Is something of a coup
Who enjoys a chocolate finger as much as I do
ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF DIFFIDENCE?
Are you wearing a look of diffidence?
Why do you lack of self-confidence?
You have a look to leave them agog
And you’re as fit as a butcher’s dog
A Little Bit Of Humour # 44
ARE YOU WEARING A DIAPER?
Are you wearing a Diaper?
Well if that’s what you wish
But have you become incontinent?
Or is it just some kind of fetish
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 7
I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really concentrate
I was asked what “benign” meant
Alas it’s not after you be eight
WHAT KIND OF FOOD IS MUESLI?
What kind of food is Muesli?
It’s really rather absurd
On the farm it’s not dissimilar
To what we feed the herd
PUT DOWN # 56
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
And your tolerance reaches saturation
Just say “You’re beginning to make sense
It must be time for my medication."
THAT DRESS IS QUITE REVEALING
That dress is quite revealing
Your breasts it’s barely concealing
I think perhaps your teasing
Offering them up for squeezing
Your bust does look rather ample
Go on let me have another sample
ALWAYS READ STUFF THAT
Always read stuff that
Will make you look good
If you are struck with death
Earlier than you should
ARE YOU WEARING A TARTAN SKIRT?
Are you wearing a Tartan skirt?
And what’s above your socks?
If I were able to take a look
I could maybe see the Trossachs
YOU HAVE A REALLY DELICIOUS FIGURE
You have a really delicious figure
Oh I so love it when you wiggle
As you parade with vim and vigour
And you make your goodies jiggle
IF YOU’RE CONSIDERING A TATT
If you’re considering a Tatt
I suggest you think about that
Realise what it is you’re looking at
And let me tip you the wink
Just pause if you’re on the brink
And think before you ink
AN EARLY SIGN OF SUMMER
An early sign of Summer
But make no mistake
One swallow does not
A stag night make
DO YOU LIKE PICNICS?
Do you like picnics?
There’s one on Sunday
If you say yes
It could be a funday
But let me say
Before we begin
Bring a blanket and be
Prepared to sin
VINCENT VAN GOGH’S SUNFLOWERS
Vincent Van Gogh’s Sunflowers
Brought me to tears
If I had painted them I would
Have cut off both ears
MY UNCLE JOHN IS RETIRED
My Uncle John is retired
He doesn’t miss work, He says
But the people he worked with
During his professional days
Of course he lies to spare them
Which is one of his ways
21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 294
Eppie Marly's thinks she’s fine,
And won’t go out to herd the swine,
She lies in her bed till eight or nine,
The lads on the farm all think its fine
ARE YOU WEARING A NAPPY?
Are you wearing a nappy?
Well if that’s what you wish
But have you become incontinent?
Or is it just some kind of fetish
Are you wearing a Diaper?
Well if that’s what you wish
But have you become incontinent?
Or is it just some kind of fetish
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 7
I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really concentrate
I was asked what “benign” meant
Alas it’s not after you be eight
WHAT KIND OF FOOD IS MUESLI?
What kind of food is Muesli?
It’s really rather absurd
On the farm it’s not dissimilar
To what we feed the herd
PUT DOWN # 56
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
And your tolerance reaches saturation
Just say “You’re beginning to make sense
It must be time for my medication."
THAT DRESS IS QUITE REVEALING
That dress is quite revealing
Your breasts it’s barely concealing
I think perhaps your teasing
Offering them up for squeezing
Your bust does look rather ample
Go on let me have another sample
ALWAYS READ STUFF THAT
Always read stuff that
Will make you look good
If you are struck with death
Earlier than you should
ARE YOU WEARING A TARTAN SKIRT?
Are you wearing a Tartan skirt?
And what’s above your socks?
If I were able to take a look
I could maybe see the Trossachs
YOU HAVE A REALLY DELICIOUS FIGURE
You have a really delicious figure
Oh I so love it when you wiggle
As you parade with vim and vigour
And you make your goodies jiggle
IF YOU’RE CONSIDERING A TATT
If you’re considering a Tatt
I suggest you think about that
Realise what it is you’re looking at
And let me tip you the wink
Just pause if you’re on the brink
And think before you ink
AN EARLY SIGN OF SUMMER
An early sign of Summer
But make no mistake
One swallow does not
A stag night make
DO YOU LIKE PICNICS?
Do you like picnics?
There’s one on Sunday
If you say yes
It could be a funday
But let me say
Before we begin
Bring a blanket and be
Prepared to sin
VINCENT VAN GOGH’S SUNFLOWERS
Vincent Van Gogh’s Sunflowers
Brought me to tears
If I had painted them I would
Have cut off both ears
MY UNCLE JOHN IS RETIRED
My Uncle John is retired
He doesn’t miss work, He says
But the people he worked with
During his professional days
Of course he lies to spare them
Which is one of his ways
21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 294
Eppie Marly's thinks she’s fine,
And won’t go out to herd the swine,
She lies in her bed till eight or nine,
The lads on the farm all think its fine
ARE YOU WEARING A NAPPY?
Are you wearing a nappy?
Well if that’s what you wish
But have you become incontinent?
Or is it just some kind of fetish
A Little Bit Of Humour # 43
ARE YOU WEARING VELVET GLOVES?
Are you wearing velvet gloves?
Oh how elegantly you’re stood
Their addition, a touch of class
If anyone knew class, you would
They look so elegant on you
I just hope they feel as good
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 6
I was once a medical student
But it was harder than I thought
I was asked about terminal illness
Which isn’t being ill at an airport
MY GRANDFATHER TAKES FIVE SUGARS
My Grandfather takes five sugars
In his tea and yet he is very old
He remembers when sugar was good
In fact he said it was called white gold
SENIOR CLASSES
The biggest advantage
Of taking classes while in retirement
Is if you play hooky
No one is going to ring your parents
PUT DOWN # 55
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
And he starts annoying you
Just say "Don't you have
A bowling game to get to?"
I BOUGHT MYSELF A SATNAV
I bought myself a Satnav
I got in the car, turned it on
And I put it on my dash
And it told me where I was
Like I didn’t know already
What a waste of bloody cash
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 312
Mary had a little rash
So she can’t do it anymore
But she said its ok for us
To use her back door
ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER BOOTS?
Are you wearing patent leather boots?
Well I’m as open minded as any other
But really? Thigh length leather boots
When we’re burying your mother
GSOH
A man likes a woman with a sense of humour
But he doesn’t want to hear her jokes
To him a good sense of humour means
That she is required to laugh at the blokes
BURNS NIGHT SUPPER
With Haggis, Tatties and Nips
The Scots celebrate Burns night
They pipe it in with Bagpipes
And that’s really not right
What the hell is wrong with them
I thought they actually liked him
IF YOU WANT TO AVOID
If you want to avoid
Disaster on a plate
Even though
They are first rate
Avoid eating Lobsters
On a first date
I COULDN’T GET THE OLD BANGER
I couldn’t get the old banger
Started this morning
I tried to get her to turn over
As the day was dawning
But to no avail, she just
Lay there yawning
ON A FIRST DATE DO NOT CHOOSE
On a first date do not choose
A restaurant to meet her
Because it’s not conducive
With your being a messy eater
THE WORLD HAS BECOME A SMALLER PLACE
The world has become a smaller place
And it will never be a big world again
But where ever you go things are the same
I wish I could uninvent the Aeroplane
SENT TO THE HEADMASTERS OFFICE
When I used to be sent to the headmasters office
I knew that the punishment would never be as bad
As having the ignominy of going and explaining my
Behaviour to my disappointed mum and dad
Are you wearing velvet gloves?
Oh how elegantly you’re stood
Their addition, a touch of class
If anyone knew class, you would
They look so elegant on you
I just hope they feel as good
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 6
I was once a medical student
But it was harder than I thought
I was asked about terminal illness
Which isn’t being ill at an airport
MY GRANDFATHER TAKES FIVE SUGARS
My Grandfather takes five sugars
In his tea and yet he is very old
He remembers when sugar was good
In fact he said it was called white gold
SENIOR CLASSES
The biggest advantage
Of taking classes while in retirement
Is if you play hooky
No one is going to ring your parents
PUT DOWN # 55
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
And he starts annoying you
Just say "Don't you have
A bowling game to get to?"
I BOUGHT MYSELF A SATNAV
I bought myself a Satnav
I got in the car, turned it on
And I put it on my dash
And it told me where I was
Like I didn’t know already
What a waste of bloody cash
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 312
Mary had a little rash
So she can’t do it anymore
But she said its ok for us
To use her back door
ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER BOOTS?
Are you wearing patent leather boots?
Well I’m as open minded as any other
But really? Thigh length leather boots
When we’re burying your mother
GSOH
A man likes a woman with a sense of humour
But he doesn’t want to hear her jokes
To him a good sense of humour means
That she is required to laugh at the blokes
BURNS NIGHT SUPPER
With Haggis, Tatties and Nips
The Scots celebrate Burns night
They pipe it in with Bagpipes
And that’s really not right
What the hell is wrong with them
I thought they actually liked him
IF YOU WANT TO AVOID
If you want to avoid
Disaster on a plate
Even though
They are first rate
Avoid eating Lobsters
On a first date
I COULDN’T GET THE OLD BANGER
I couldn’t get the old banger
Started this morning
I tried to get her to turn over
As the day was dawning
But to no avail, she just
Lay there yawning
ON A FIRST DATE DO NOT CHOOSE
On a first date do not choose
A restaurant to meet her
Because it’s not conducive
With your being a messy eater
THE WORLD HAS BECOME A SMALLER PLACE
The world has become a smaller place
And it will never be a big world again
But where ever you go things are the same
I wish I could uninvent the Aeroplane
SENT TO THE HEADMASTERS OFFICE
When I used to be sent to the headmasters office
I knew that the punishment would never be as bad
As having the ignominy of going and explaining my
Behaviour to my disappointed mum and dad
A Little Bit Of Humour # 42
ARE YOU WEARING A SENSUAL AIR?
Are you wearing a sensual air?
It seems that you are not even aware?
But it flows from each and every hair
I’m sorry i don’t mean to stand and stare
But sensuality follows you everywhere
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 5
I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really try
I was asked what “varicose” meant
And said it was nearby
CURRYING FAVOUR
When my Grandfather was a boy
No Curry houses existed near or far
In order to go out for an Indian
He would’ve had to go to India
WHEN I IGNORED THE SATNAV
When I ignored the Satnav
I actually heard it scoff
And when I said “I’ll go my way”
It told me to sod off
THE COMMON TERM FOR SOMEONE
The common term for someone
Who retires but goes to work again
Because they enjoy it too much
To give it up, is criminally insane
PUT DOWN # 54
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when your patience is done
“I'm no proctologist, but
I know an asshole when I see one”
SHE WAS DEFINITELY ONE FOR A BARGAIN
She was definitely one for a bargain
Olympic standard if I had a hat I would doff
She liked a bargain so much she had her husband
Circumcised for the sake of ten percent off
YOU ARE NOT MY CUP OF TEA
You are not my cup of tea, though
You’re not beyond help to be sure
But admitting you’re an asshole
Is the first step towards a cure
EXPLAINING TO A TECHNOGEEK
Elaine was trying to explain to her geeky boyfriend
How she had gotten pregnant, with no luck at all
So she put it into techno speak “when I uploaded
From your hard drive you didn’t use a fire wall”
ON MY VERY FIRST DAY AT PRIMARY SCHOOL
On my very first day at primary school
I handed, as instructed, a letter to my teacher
It was addressed to “whom it may concern”
And it had been written by my mother
It read “The opinions expressed by this boy
Are not in any way those of his mother or father”
IF YOUR EMPLOYEE GOES ALL RAGING BULL
If your employee goes all raging bull
Instead of his normal little sparrow
Just say “Easy there Mr Testosterone
Or I’ll replace you with a marrow
THE LIMITATIONS OF MODERN MEDICINE
My friend said I should take my husband
To see a doctor but I don’t know
Modern medicine is excellent but they
Can’t cure “honesty impairment” though
WOMEN DON'T MAKE FOOLS OF MEN
Women don't make fools of men
So don’t believe all the hype
Most men don’t need any help
They are of the do-it-yourself type
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 311
Mary had a little fan
She waved it to and fro
Mary still has her fan
But is it as little? No
ARE YOU WEARING FAIRY WINGS?
Are you wearing fairy wings?
As someone’s special surprise
I hope you’re not a good fairy
And you’re wicked in disguise
Are you wearing a sensual air?
It seems that you are not even aware?
But it flows from each and every hair
I’m sorry i don’t mean to stand and stare
But sensuality follows you everywhere
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 5
I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really try
I was asked what “varicose” meant
And said it was nearby
CURRYING FAVOUR
When my Grandfather was a boy
No Curry houses existed near or far
In order to go out for an Indian
He would’ve had to go to India
WHEN I IGNORED THE SATNAV
When I ignored the Satnav
I actually heard it scoff
And when I said “I’ll go my way”
It told me to sod off
THE COMMON TERM FOR SOMEONE
The common term for someone
Who retires but goes to work again
Because they enjoy it too much
To give it up, is criminally insane
PUT DOWN # 54
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when your patience is done
“I'm no proctologist, but
I know an asshole when I see one”
SHE WAS DEFINITELY ONE FOR A BARGAIN
She was definitely one for a bargain
Olympic standard if I had a hat I would doff
She liked a bargain so much she had her husband
Circumcised for the sake of ten percent off
YOU ARE NOT MY CUP OF TEA
You are not my cup of tea, though
You’re not beyond help to be sure
But admitting you’re an asshole
Is the first step towards a cure
EXPLAINING TO A TECHNOGEEK
Elaine was trying to explain to her geeky boyfriend
How she had gotten pregnant, with no luck at all
So she put it into techno speak “when I uploaded
From your hard drive you didn’t use a fire wall”
ON MY VERY FIRST DAY AT PRIMARY SCHOOL
On my very first day at primary school
I handed, as instructed, a letter to my teacher
It was addressed to “whom it may concern”
And it had been written by my mother
It read “The opinions expressed by this boy
Are not in any way those of his mother or father”
IF YOUR EMPLOYEE GOES ALL RAGING BULL
If your employee goes all raging bull
Instead of his normal little sparrow
Just say “Easy there Mr Testosterone
Or I’ll replace you with a marrow
THE LIMITATIONS OF MODERN MEDICINE
My friend said I should take my husband
To see a doctor but I don’t know
Modern medicine is excellent but they
Can’t cure “honesty impairment” though
WOMEN DON'T MAKE FOOLS OF MEN
Women don't make fools of men
So don’t believe all the hype
Most men don’t need any help
They are of the do-it-yourself type
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 311
Mary had a little fan
She waved it to and fro
Mary still has her fan
But is it as little? No
ARE YOU WEARING FAIRY WINGS?
Are you wearing fairy wings?
As someone’s special surprise
I hope you’re not a good fairy
And you’re wicked in disguise
A Little Bit Of Humour # 41
ARE YOU WEARING ANGEL’S WINGS?
Are you wearing angel’s wings?
As someone’s special surprise
I hope you’re not too angelic
And you’re a Devil in disguise
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 310
Mary had a camper van
She took it to the wood
She said that I could come
But I misunderstood
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 4
I was once a medical student
But they had to send me home
I thought that a “seizure”
Was an Emperor of Rome
THEY’D NEVER HEARD OF YOGURT
They’d never heard of yogurt
When my Mum was young
And putting it on your privates
Would’ve got you hung
RETIRED PEOPLE DON’T CARE BEING
Retired people don’t care being
Called Pensioners on any account
Because the name pensioner comes
With a concessionary discount
PUT DOWN # 53
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just Say if his patter doesn’t pass
“Don’t make me go psycho bitch
On your annoying little ass”
A DOCTOR DROWNED IN A WATER HOLE
A doctor drowned in a water hole
Which goes to prove at any rate
He should have thought about the sick
And left the well alone mate
THEY JUST KEEP ON TALKING
They just keep on talking
Long after people are
No longer interested
So we should pity the teacher
SOME PEOPLE NEED TO EXTRACT
Some people need to extract
Their finger out of their butt again
To get some much needed
Oxygen to their brain
WISE OLD SAGE
It was previously said
By a very wise man
“I don’t know
Ask a woman”
I ORDERED A BURGER AND FRIES
I ordered a burger and fries
Even though I know it’s all full of fat
but the girl behind the counter
Said “would you like fries with that?”
WHEN PEOPLE WALK INTO YOUR LIFE
When people walk into your life
You can’t always control who
But you can control which window
You throw them threw
POP-UPS
Life is full of people
Who “pop in” or “pop out”
But if we were meant to “pop”
We’d all live in toasters
TWO PSYCHICS
Two psychics stopped and the first one said
As by chance they happened to meet
“You're feeling good today. How am I?”
As they met one another in the street
ARE YOU WEARING TARTY GARB?
Are you wearing tarty garb?
Well I will say this for a start
You might well get picked up
But no one wants to date a tart
Are you wearing angel’s wings?
As someone’s special surprise
I hope you’re not too angelic
And you’re a Devil in disguise
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 310
Mary had a camper van
She took it to the wood
She said that I could come
But I misunderstood
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 4
I was once a medical student
But they had to send me home
I thought that a “seizure”
Was an Emperor of Rome
THEY’D NEVER HEARD OF YOGURT
They’d never heard of yogurt
When my Mum was young
And putting it on your privates
Would’ve got you hung
RETIRED PEOPLE DON’T CARE BEING
Retired people don’t care being
Called Pensioners on any account
Because the name pensioner comes
With a concessionary discount
PUT DOWN # 53
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just Say if his patter doesn’t pass
“Don’t make me go psycho bitch
On your annoying little ass”
A DOCTOR DROWNED IN A WATER HOLE
A doctor drowned in a water hole
Which goes to prove at any rate
He should have thought about the sick
And left the well alone mate
THEY JUST KEEP ON TALKING
They just keep on talking
Long after people are
No longer interested
So we should pity the teacher
SOME PEOPLE NEED TO EXTRACT
Some people need to extract
Their finger out of their butt again
To get some much needed
Oxygen to their brain
WISE OLD SAGE
It was previously said
By a very wise man
“I don’t know
Ask a woman”
I ORDERED A BURGER AND FRIES
I ordered a burger and fries
Even though I know it’s all full of fat
but the girl behind the counter
Said “would you like fries with that?”
WHEN PEOPLE WALK INTO YOUR LIFE
When people walk into your life
You can’t always control who
But you can control which window
You throw them threw
POP-UPS
Life is full of people
Who “pop in” or “pop out”
But if we were meant to “pop”
We’d all live in toasters
TWO PSYCHICS
Two psychics stopped and the first one said
As by chance they happened to meet
“You're feeling good today. How am I?”
As they met one another in the street
ARE YOU WEARING TARTY GARB?
Are you wearing tarty garb?
Well I will say this for a start
You might well get picked up
But no one wants to date a tart
A Little Bit Of Humour # 40
ARE YOU WEARING A MONOCLE?
Are you wearing a monocle?
Can I ask the reason why?
You can still wear spectacles
Even if you have a glass eye
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 3
I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really try
When asked about the “fibula”
I thought it was a small lie
THERE’S A DOWNSIDE TO RETIREMENT
There’s a downside to retirement
And I think there is only the one
Which is that despite all the extra time
Everything still doesn’t get done
PUT DOWN # 52
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say if you tire of his fawning
Did you eat a bowl of stupid
For breakfast this morning?
THE INTERNET CAN BE A CURSE AND NOT A BLESSING
The internet can be a curse and not a blessing
For example the gambling sites on the net
Where eager Gamblers don’t even need
To put on a shirt in order to lose it on a bet
MY SATNAV HAS AUDIBLE ALARMS
My Satnav has audible alarms
They make each journey fraught
So I think I’ll trade it in
And buy the silent sort
MULTITASKING IS A MYTH
Multitasking is a myth,
It doesn’t work sadly
Multitasking just means
Doing lots of things badly
HE WAS THROWN OUT OF A BAR
He was thrown out of a bar
For inappropriate behaviour
And was given a whack
He pointed at the sign
Which read “liquor at the front”
And “poker in the back”
AFTER HER EXAMINATION
After her examination
The doctor said
"I can find no reason
For the pain in your head
Now let me see the thing
That gets ladies in distress”
At which point the lady
Lifted up her dress
And started to remove
All her underwear
At first all he could do
Was stand and stare
But then caused the doctor
To loudly shout
“No don’t take them off
Just stick your tongue out"
SENIOR PHARMACY
When I go to the chemist
The cost is beyond belief
And everything in my basket
Says it’s for fast relief
SUPERSEX
“Supersex” the old lady said
To the seniors group
And in reply they chorused
"We'll take the soup"
IF I’VE LEARNED ANYTHING IN MY LIFE
If I’ve learned anything in my life
It is that you should take a chance
And nobody cares if you can't dance well
Just get on the floor and dance
THE UPSIDE OF BEING CLINICALLY OBESE
The upside of being clinically obese
To the point of being handicapped
Is that it makes it significantly more
Difficult to be forcibly kidnapped
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 309
Mary had a little van
She had it all last summer
But now her little van
Has turned into a Hummer
ARE YOU WEARING PINCE NEZ?
Are you wearing pince nez?
Do I think they suit you? In truth no
As you’re a thirty four stone woman
Who is never going to look like Poirot
Are you wearing a monocle?
Can I ask the reason why?
You can still wear spectacles
Even if you have a glass eye
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 3
I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really try
When asked about the “fibula”
I thought it was a small lie
THERE’S A DOWNSIDE TO RETIREMENT
There’s a downside to retirement
And I think there is only the one
Which is that despite all the extra time
Everything still doesn’t get done
PUT DOWN # 52
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say if you tire of his fawning
Did you eat a bowl of stupid
For breakfast this morning?
THE INTERNET CAN BE A CURSE AND NOT A BLESSING
The internet can be a curse and not a blessing
For example the gambling sites on the net
Where eager Gamblers don’t even need
To put on a shirt in order to lose it on a bet
MY SATNAV HAS AUDIBLE ALARMS
My Satnav has audible alarms
They make each journey fraught
So I think I’ll trade it in
And buy the silent sort
MULTITASKING IS A MYTH
Multitasking is a myth,
It doesn’t work sadly
Multitasking just means
Doing lots of things badly
HE WAS THROWN OUT OF A BAR
He was thrown out of a bar
For inappropriate behaviour
And was given a whack
He pointed at the sign
Which read “liquor at the front”
And “poker in the back”
AFTER HER EXAMINATION
After her examination
The doctor said
"I can find no reason
For the pain in your head
Now let me see the thing
That gets ladies in distress”
At which point the lady
Lifted up her dress
And started to remove
All her underwear
At first all he could do
Was stand and stare
But then caused the doctor
To loudly shout
“No don’t take them off
Just stick your tongue out"
SENIOR PHARMACY
When I go to the chemist
The cost is beyond belief
And everything in my basket
Says it’s for fast relief
SUPERSEX
“Supersex” the old lady said
To the seniors group
And in reply they chorused
"We'll take the soup"
IF I’VE LEARNED ANYTHING IN MY LIFE
If I’ve learned anything in my life
It is that you should take a chance
And nobody cares if you can't dance well
Just get on the floor and dance
THE UPSIDE OF BEING CLINICALLY OBESE
The upside of being clinically obese
To the point of being handicapped
Is that it makes it significantly more
Difficult to be forcibly kidnapped
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 309
Mary had a little van
She had it all last summer
But now her little van
Has turned into a Hummer
ARE YOU WEARING PINCE NEZ?
Are you wearing pince nez?
Do I think they suit you? In truth no
As you’re a thirty four stone woman
Who is never going to look like Poirot
A Little Bit Of Humour # 39
ARE YOU WEARING LENSES?
Are you wearing lenses?
To hide your sensual eyes
They don’t make you more
Beautiful, it’s just disguise
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 2
I was once a medical student
And asked to name a major illness
Associated with smoking cigarettes
I was wrong with premature death
MY SATNAV IS WORSE THAN MY WIFE
My satnav is worse than my wife
Telling me how to drive
If the limits thirty miles an hour
It nags me I’m doing thirty five
A FOREIGN STUDENT FROM CALCUTTA # 2
A foreign student from Calcutta
Accidentally snorted curry powder
Thinking it was cocaine the silly duffer
He survived but he’s got a dicky Tikka
WHEN WIMPY PREVAILED
When I was just a young man
Wimpy houses were prevailing
And a Big Mac was something
We wore when it was raining
HOW MANY PENSIONERS DOES IT TAKE?
How many pensioners does it take?
To change a light bulb that’s blown
Only one, but it might take all day
To get around to it on their own
ONE OF THE GREAT BENEFICIAL # 2
One of the great beneficial
Things after you retire
Is that Tied shoes
Are considered formal attire
JOSHUA DID HIS MULTIPLICATION
Joshua did his multiplication
Homework on the kitchen floor
Because he was apparently
Told not to use tables anymore
THE INTERNATIONAL SAILING RESULTS ARE IN
The international sailing results are in
The GB took the gold medal once again
While Somalia took a middle aged couple
who were on holiday from Colerain
PUT DOWN # 51
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Say to him if boredom persists
"The fact that no one understands you
Doesn’t mean that you're an artist."
IS THE INTERNET A BLESSING OR A CURSE?
Is the internet a blessing or a curse?
As a medium for interaction it fine
But paedophiles operate in comfort
As they stalk their victims online
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 308
Mary had a little van
She also had a mini
I never saw her little van
But I have seen her mini
HORSEY CLAIRE BALDING
Horsey Claire Balding
Is always with a nag
I think she looks like
Stephen Fry in drag
MARRIAGE HAS BEEN A VERY BUMPY RIDE
Marriage has been a very bumpy ride
Since we joined in Holy Deadlock
And the little lady’s never happier
Than when she has me in a headlock
ARE YOU WEARING COLOURED LENSES?
Are you wearing coloured lenses?
If you’re not then what that means is
At the risk of sounding a cynic
You should visit the walk in eye clinic
Are you wearing lenses?
To hide your sensual eyes
They don’t make you more
Beautiful, it’s just disguise
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 2
I was once a medical student
And asked to name a major illness
Associated with smoking cigarettes
I was wrong with premature death
MY SATNAV IS WORSE THAN MY WIFE
My satnav is worse than my wife
Telling me how to drive
If the limits thirty miles an hour
It nags me I’m doing thirty five
A FOREIGN STUDENT FROM CALCUTTA # 2
A foreign student from Calcutta
Accidentally snorted curry powder
Thinking it was cocaine the silly duffer
He survived but he’s got a dicky Tikka
WHEN WIMPY PREVAILED
When I was just a young man
Wimpy houses were prevailing
And a Big Mac was something
We wore when it was raining
HOW MANY PENSIONERS DOES IT TAKE?
How many pensioners does it take?
To change a light bulb that’s blown
Only one, but it might take all day
To get around to it on their own
ONE OF THE GREAT BENEFICIAL # 2
One of the great beneficial
Things after you retire
Is that Tied shoes
Are considered formal attire
JOSHUA DID HIS MULTIPLICATION
Joshua did his multiplication
Homework on the kitchen floor
Because he was apparently
Told not to use tables anymore
THE INTERNATIONAL SAILING RESULTS ARE IN
The international sailing results are in
The GB took the gold medal once again
While Somalia took a middle aged couple
who were on holiday from Colerain
PUT DOWN # 51
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Say to him if boredom persists
"The fact that no one understands you
Doesn’t mean that you're an artist."
IS THE INTERNET A BLESSING OR A CURSE?
Is the internet a blessing or a curse?
As a medium for interaction it fine
But paedophiles operate in comfort
As they stalk their victims online
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 308
Mary had a little van
She also had a mini
I never saw her little van
But I have seen her mini
HORSEY CLAIRE BALDING
Horsey Claire Balding
Is always with a nag
I think she looks like
Stephen Fry in drag
MARRIAGE HAS BEEN A VERY BUMPY RIDE
Marriage has been a very bumpy ride
Since we joined in Holy Deadlock
And the little lady’s never happier
Than when she has me in a headlock
ARE YOU WEARING COLOURED LENSES?
Are you wearing coloured lenses?
If you’re not then what that means is
At the risk of sounding a cynic
You should visit the walk in eye clinic
Easter Tales
ARE YOU WEARING A HARE PIECE?
Are you wearing a hare piece?
I think that’s really funny
Especially as you are dressed
As the Easter bunny
HOT CROSS BUNS
I’ve always loved hot cross buns
But they give me heartburn
You can eat one and it’s gone
But like the Lord they return
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER OUTFIT?
Are you wearing an Easter outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
ARE YOU WEARING BUNNY EARS?
Are you wearing bunny ears?
I’m glad you gave them a whirl
I think they really suit you
Will you be my bunny girl?
ARE YOU WEARING A COTTON TAIL?
Are you wearing a cotton tail?
Well you’re a very sexy rabbit
I really like dressing up games
It’s become one of my dirty habits
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A GIGGLE?
Are you wearing it for a giggle?
I especially like it when you wiggle
No I’m not staring at your bunny bot
No don’t get self-conscious, I’m not
Like every other red bloodied male
I’m only looking at you cottontail
EASTER ISN’T JUST ABOUT EASTER EGGS
Easter isn’t just about Easter eggs
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Easter marks the death and resurrection
Of the saviour of all mankind
Are you wearing a hare piece?
I think that’s really funny
Especially as you are dressed
As the Easter bunny
HOT CROSS BUNS
I’ve always loved hot cross buns
But they give me heartburn
You can eat one and it’s gone
But like the Lord they return
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER OUTFIT?
Are you wearing an Easter outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
ARE YOU WEARING BUNNY EARS?
Are you wearing bunny ears?
I’m glad you gave them a whirl
I think they really suit you
Will you be my bunny girl?
ARE YOU WEARING A COTTON TAIL?
Are you wearing a cotton tail?
Well you’re a very sexy rabbit
I really like dressing up games
It’s become one of my dirty habits
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A GIGGLE?
Are you wearing it for a giggle?
I especially like it when you wiggle
No I’m not staring at your bunny bot
No don’t get self-conscious, I’m not
Like every other red bloodied male
I’m only looking at you cottontail
EASTER ISN’T JUST ABOUT EASTER EGGS
Easter isn’t just about Easter eggs
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Easter marks the death and resurrection
Of the saviour of all mankind
Eastertide
IT’S LENT ONCE AGAIN
It’s Lent once again
That time of year
To de-clutter, A time
To tidy and clear
But it’s not the time
To tidy the garden shed
The garage or the loft
Or even under the bed
Lent is the time when
Spring cleaning begins
When we cleanse our souls
And wash away our sins
HOLY WEEK
Holy Week
Is the last week of Lent
Which precedes Easter
Starting on Lazarus Saturday
It includes Palm Sunday
Maundy Thursday
And Good Friday
And ends on Holy Saturday
LAZARUS SATURDAY
Lazarus Saturday
Is the day preceding
Palm Sunday
Which celebrates the raising
Of Lazarus of Bethany
A day of joy and triumph
Which begins Holy Week
PASCHAL MYSTERY
The Paschal Mystery
Is a concept
Central to Christian belief
When God the Father
Sent his only Son to Earth
To accomplish man’s salvation
Via the passion, death,
And Resurrection
Of Jesus Christ
PALM SUNDAY OF THE PASSION OF THE LORD
With the Roman Rite
Of Palm Sunday
Or Passion Sunday
Holy Week begins
Marking the humble entrance
Of the Messiah
Into Jerusalem on a donkey,
So he could accomplish
His paschal mystery,
But Palm Sunday
Also marks with the
Blessing of palm leaves
The beginning
Of his journey to the cross
EASTERTIDE
Eastertide or Paschaltide
Is a festal season
That begins on Easter Sunday
And lasts for fifty days
Ending on Pentecost Sunday
Celebrated throughout
The Christian world
As a single joyful feast
ONE OF THE TWELVE - JUDAS ISCARIOT
One of the twelve
Judas Iscariot
The betrayer
The taker of coins
The lost soul
Satan’s pawn
Hanged himself
Replaced as an apostle
By Matthias
HOLY MONDAY
Holy Monday is
The Third day of holy week
Is notable for several reason
We are told in The Gospels
That amongst other things
The cursing of the fig tree
The questioning of Jesus' authority
And the Cleansing of the Temple
All took place on Holy Monday
HOLY WEDNESDAY
In Western Christianity,
Holy Wednesday
Is the Wednesday before Easter
The fifth day of holy week
Often called "Spy Wednesday",
To mark the betrayal of Jesus
By his apostle Judas Iscariot
And on Holy Wednesday
He first conspired with the Sanhedrin
To betray the Lord
For thirty pieces of silver
MAUNDY THURSDAY
Maundy Thursday
The sixth day of Holy week
Which remembers the Maundy
The day when Jesus
Washed the feet of his disciples
As well as the last supper
On the feast of Passover
And marks the start
Of the Easter Triduum,
That commemorates
The passion, death,
And resurrection of Christ
FOR A FEW SILVER COINS
One of the twelve
Chosen Apostles
Possessed of Evil?
Or pawn of Christ
Judas Iscariot met
High Priest Caiaphas
And left the temple
With the Sanhedrin bribe
“Thirty pieces of silver”
Bought an apostle
And Christ’s fate was sealed
For after the last supper
In the gardens of Gethsemane
Judas Iscariot delivered
His kiss of betrayal
Condemning them both
By that single act
To an untimely death
Judas by his own hand
And Christ on the cross
GOOD FRIDAY
Good Friday
Marks the day
The Temple Guards
Aided by the Judas kiss
Arrested Jesus
At Gethsemane
Also his interrogation
By High Priest Caiaphas
And the Sanhedrin
Who condemned him to death
Before conveying him before
The Roman governor
Pontius Pilate
Who with reluctance
Ordered his crucifixion
At the place of the Skull
HOLY SATURDAY
Holy Saturday
Is not a Mass
But a time of
Prayer and fasting
And meditating on Christ’s
Passion and Death
His Descent into Hell
And his Resurrection
EASTER VIGIL
The Easter Vigil,
Is the longest and most solemn
It begins after sundown
With The Service of Light
When a new fire is kindled
Symbolising the Light of salvation
Which is used to light
The Paschal candle
Symbolising the Light of Christ
Reminding all that
Christ is Light and life
EASTER SUNDAY
Easter Sunday
Is the most important date
In the Christian calendar
And Celebrates
The Resurrection
Of Jesus Christ
And beginning
The Great Fifty Days
Of Eastertide
ASCENSION DAY
Ascension Day
Is the fortieth day
Of Eastertide
And celebrates
With great solemnity
The Ascension of the Lord
PENTECOST SUNDAY
Pentecost Sunday is
The Feast of Weeks
White Sunday
Is the fiftieth day
And Marks the end
Of Eastertide
Celebrating the descent
Of the Holy Spirit
Upon the Apostles
And all followers
Of Jesus Christ
It’s Lent once again
That time of year
To de-clutter, A time
To tidy and clear
But it’s not the time
To tidy the garden shed
The garage or the loft
Or even under the bed
Lent is the time when
Spring cleaning begins
When we cleanse our souls
And wash away our sins
HOLY WEEK
Holy Week
Is the last week of Lent
Which precedes Easter
Starting on Lazarus Saturday
It includes Palm Sunday
Maundy Thursday
And Good Friday
And ends on Holy Saturday
LAZARUS SATURDAY
Lazarus Saturday
Is the day preceding
Palm Sunday
Which celebrates the raising
Of Lazarus of Bethany
A day of joy and triumph
Which begins Holy Week
PASCHAL MYSTERY
The Paschal Mystery
Is a concept
Central to Christian belief
When God the Father
Sent his only Son to Earth
To accomplish man’s salvation
Via the passion, death,
And Resurrection
Of Jesus Christ
PALM SUNDAY OF THE PASSION OF THE LORD
With the Roman Rite
Of Palm Sunday
Or Passion Sunday
Holy Week begins
Marking the humble entrance
Of the Messiah
Into Jerusalem on a donkey,
So he could accomplish
His paschal mystery,
But Palm Sunday
Also marks with the
Blessing of palm leaves
The beginning
Of his journey to the cross
EASTERTIDE
Eastertide or Paschaltide
Is a festal season
That begins on Easter Sunday
And lasts for fifty days
Ending on Pentecost Sunday
Celebrated throughout
The Christian world
As a single joyful feast
ONE OF THE TWELVE - JUDAS ISCARIOT
One of the twelve
Judas Iscariot
The betrayer
The taker of coins
The lost soul
Satan’s pawn
Hanged himself
Replaced as an apostle
By Matthias
HOLY MONDAY
Holy Monday is
The Third day of holy week
Is notable for several reason
We are told in The Gospels
That amongst other things
The cursing of the fig tree
The questioning of Jesus' authority
And the Cleansing of the Temple
All took place on Holy Monday
HOLY WEDNESDAY
In Western Christianity,
Holy Wednesday
Is the Wednesday before Easter
The fifth day of holy week
Often called "Spy Wednesday",
To mark the betrayal of Jesus
By his apostle Judas Iscariot
And on Holy Wednesday
He first conspired with the Sanhedrin
To betray the Lord
For thirty pieces of silver
MAUNDY THURSDAY
Maundy Thursday
The sixth day of Holy week
Which remembers the Maundy
The day when Jesus
Washed the feet of his disciples
As well as the last supper
On the feast of Passover
And marks the start
Of the Easter Triduum,
That commemorates
The passion, death,
And resurrection of Christ
FOR A FEW SILVER COINS
One of the twelve
Chosen Apostles
Possessed of Evil?
Or pawn of Christ
Judas Iscariot met
High Priest Caiaphas
And left the temple
With the Sanhedrin bribe
“Thirty pieces of silver”
Bought an apostle
And Christ’s fate was sealed
For after the last supper
In the gardens of Gethsemane
Judas Iscariot delivered
His kiss of betrayal
Condemning them both
By that single act
To an untimely death
Judas by his own hand
And Christ on the cross
GOOD FRIDAY
Good Friday
Marks the day
The Temple Guards
Aided by the Judas kiss
Arrested Jesus
At Gethsemane
Also his interrogation
By High Priest Caiaphas
And the Sanhedrin
Who condemned him to death
Before conveying him before
The Roman governor
Pontius Pilate
Who with reluctance
Ordered his crucifixion
At the place of the Skull
HOLY SATURDAY
Holy Saturday
Is not a Mass
But a time of
Prayer and fasting
And meditating on Christ’s
Passion and Death
His Descent into Hell
And his Resurrection
EASTER VIGIL
The Easter Vigil,
Is the longest and most solemn
It begins after sundown
With The Service of Light
When a new fire is kindled
Symbolising the Light of salvation
Which is used to light
The Paschal candle
Symbolising the Light of Christ
Reminding all that
Christ is Light and life
EASTER SUNDAY
Easter Sunday
Is the most important date
In the Christian calendar
And Celebrates
The Resurrection
Of Jesus Christ
And beginning
The Great Fifty Days
Of Eastertide
ASCENSION DAY
Ascension Day
Is the fortieth day
Of Eastertide
And celebrates
With great solemnity
The Ascension of the Lord
PENTECOST SUNDAY
Pentecost Sunday is
The Feast of Weeks
White Sunday
Is the fiftieth day
And Marks the end
Of Eastertide
Celebrating the descent
Of the Holy Spirit
Upon the Apostles
And all followers
Of Jesus Christ
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