PEDANTS SOCIETY MEETING

 

“Pedants Society Meeting Here”

The sign on the door read

“Every Sunday at four”

“Well not here exactly here”

The sign below added

“But in the room behind this door”

WRITERS ANGST # 2

 

The thing that gives me anxiety

Are people reading my stories

But even worse than that are

People not reading my stories

THE HABITUALLY DISAPPOINTED SUPPORT GROUP

 

The habitually disappointed support group

Had good reason to bellyache

As their meeting had been cancelled

And as a result, there would be no cake

I SUFFER FROM KLEPTOMANIA

 

I suffer from kleptomania

I have to admit

But when it gets bad,

I take something for it

ARE YOU WEARING A STRAIGHTJACKET?

 

Are you wearing a straightjacket?

With wrap around sleeves and metal bands

Are you some kind of homicidal maniac?

Or do you suffer from wondering hands

YOU HAVE A SYNDROME

 

If you keep randomly shouting out

“Broccoli” or “Cauliflower”

Have no regrets

It’s not something you can’t really help

Because it just means

You suffer from florets

THERE IS A SHORT CIRCUIT

 

There is a short circuit

In the wiring of my brain

Which torments me until

I have Equilibrium again

But I’m unravelling

Like a ball of twine

An unwilling victim

Of my malicious mind

Medication will help

To redress my rationality

But it dulls the knife edge

Of my personality

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT MY NEIGHBOUR

 

I cannot believe that my

Next door neighbour

Is a self-harmer

She's so vile there

Must be queue of people

Willing to do it for her

I HAVE VERY LOW SELF ESTEEM

 

I have very low self esteem

And live with low expectations

And to make matters worse

I'm terrible at self-deprecation

TO HAVE VOICES IN MY HEAD

 

I believe it’s quite normal

To have voices in my head

Listening to them is usual

Sometimes I argue instead

However, if I were to lose

The argument, I’d be dead

I SIT WITH A MIRROR STRAIGHT AHEAD OF ME

 

I sit with a mirror straight ahead of me

And another one placed behind me

So, my image is repeated in perpetuity

That way I don’t feel so lonely

IF LIFE IS GETTING YOU DOWN

 

If life is getting you down

And depressing you increasingly

Take all of your troubles 

And toss them into the sea,

You don’t have to do it for real

Just do it metaphorically

But a trip to the beach

Will help you miraculously

MY BROTHER HAS BEEN SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST

 

My brother has been seeing a psychiatrist

He pays one hundred pounds a time

And he’s been doing it for bloody years

I think he must be out of his tiny mind

MY DAD THINKS HE’S A CHOCOLATE ORANGE

 

My dad thinks he’s a chocolate orange

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned

And we have come to the decision

That we should have him sectioned

ONE IN FOUR WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY

 

One in four women in this country

Are on meds for mental illness

So, the rest are running around

Undiagnosed more or less

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

 

When the tragic death

Was announced on the news

Of the Oscar winning actor

My wife didn’t have a clue

Which prompted her to say

Philip Seymour who?

MY UNCLE MICHAEL

My Uncle Michael

Was a schizophrenic

But he was good people

Was Uncle Mick 

SELF-MEDICATING

 

There is a pill, that I take a lot

I take it when I don’t feel so hot

I knew the name but then I forgot

And the nameless pill I take a lot

Tells me I'm happy when I'm not 

I DO MENTAL ARITHMETIC

 

I do mental arithmetic

When I’m lying in my bed

I like to count the voices

I hear inside my head

GREAT DEPRESSION

 

I have been diagnosed with depression

But I won’t let it beat me

I have been on the Internet

And I’ve found the treatment for me

It’s the 18 step plan

And I start on the first tee