AFTER FIFTY YEARS OF SMOKING

After fifty years of smoking

And being a whisky connoisseur

Life has taken its toll on me

And I’m called the Hoarse Whisperer

THE SMOKING OF ELECTRONIC CIGARETTES

 

The smoking of electronic cigarettes

Should only be done if you are a robot

And even then it should only happen

When it has just had sex with another robot

COUGHS AND SNEEZES

 

Coughs and sneezes

Spread diseases

Colds and flu

And nasty wheezes

So, protect against

Coughs and sneezes

There is one thing

That helps and eases

Have a smoke

To help the wheezes

Choose any brand

Pick one that pleases

So do not fear

Coughs and sneezes

Because smoking stops

Them spreading diseases

 

It’s alright I haven’t gone mad I was prompted to right this by Bee, who pointed out how strange it was how perceptions of things change over time.

For example, Cigarettes were marketed in the 19th century as a cure for amongst other things Asthma and Catarrh.

Now we no different

SMOKING ISN’T BAD FOR YOU

 

Smoking isn’t bad for you

Not in my personal view

And what I based that on

Was that it cured my bacon

GREEN LEATHER CHESTERFIELD

 

In green leathered comfort

I sat in a Chesterfield

In an atmosphere

That totally appealed

Among my piers

In silent appreciation

Almost a reverence

Of our quiet situation

A brandy on the table

A cigar in the ash tray

And the world held

Well and truly at bay

SMOKING KILLS

 

Smoking kills

Of that there is no doubt

Especially if my wife

Were to find out

HEALTH WARNING

 

How can they say smoking is bad for you?

It’s a lot of old tosh in my personal view

All my family smoked since they were nippers

And after all smoking has cured my kippers

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE THREE

 

The three best things in life

Not including laughter

Are definitely a drink before

And a cigarette after

MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO DO SOMETHING

 

My doctor told me to do something

That leaves me breathless

So I’ve started smoking again

Now I’m breathless and stressless

Uncanny Tales – (45) Anti-Social Club

 

I have been a non-smoker for the best part of four years now and I smoked for the previous thirty-two.

I gave up smoking because I decided it was the right thing to do at the time, not because I thought it was bad for me or because apart from Cancer and Heart disease, smoking has been blamed for everything from blindness to impotence, so I wasn’t worried about my heath after all you always think it will never happen to you.

Nor was it because it has become such an anti-social habit spawning little clusters of social lepers huddled around doorways or rubbish bins.

No, I gave up because with a wife three children and a cat I just couldn’t afford it anymore.

I certainly didn’t stop because of the social Nazis, that annoying group of people who are not satisfied with living with their own lifestyle choices, not smoking, not eating meat, saving the planet and inexplicably wearing beige, they want to convert us too.

In fact, they are determined not to rest until we are a world of beige clad, non-smoking vegetarian tree huggers.

During my thirty-two-year reign as a satisfied smoker I never once tried to persuade a perfect stranger to light up, nor have I ever suggested to a vegetarian that they “get their laughing gear around a chicken leg”.

Having said all that I would stress that I have urged anyone who’s favourite colour is beige to seek professional help, I have also anonymously sent colour charts in the post to the more tragic sufferers.

Now I refer to these people as social Nazis these are of course not to be confused with Adolph Hitler’s National Socialist Party who ruled Germany.

Those Nazis quite frankly would never have dared to invade Poland if the storm troopers had had to wear beige.

But despite a very effective media campaign Cigarettes are not the personification of evil in the world today - alcohol is and the social Nazis need a dose realism and a refocusing of their energies onto a much more troubling situation in our society today namely alcohol induced anti-social behaviour.

Come Friday and Saturday night every town Centre in Britain is filled with drunken youth, no that’s not fare it isn’t just the youth.

The young who cannot handle the booze that is so readily available and for them so affordable, spill out onto the street either to commit an assault on a fellow reveler or to be assaulted or perhaps to collapse in the night air and drown on their own vomit.

Though in truth those who are old enough to know better are just as bad.

Yet we do nothing to stop it, on the contrary we give evermore access to drinkers and we have made alcohol available 24/7.

So, what in society is to blame? Smoking, Kebab vans, coffee shops or bars, pubs and clubs?

Nobody wraps the car around a tree because they smoked too many Woodbines down the “Lamb and Faggott”, and a man doesn’t go home and beat his wife because he smoked a whole pack of Rothman’s.

Nobody gets stopped by the police for having exceeded the legal limit of chili sauce in their system.

Nobody starts a fight outside the kebab shop because “he looked at my girlfriend in a funny way” as a result of an overindulgence of kebab meat.

For me the answer is obvious, the car that crashed into the tree was driven by a drunk driver, the man who went home and beat his wife was a drunk, the driver stopped by the police was a drunk and as for the man outside the kebab shop well it was the eight pints of Stella he had down the pub before he arrived at the kebab house that made him want to fight.

I like a drink myself, but I do it in moderation but be in no doubt that left unchecked Alcohol ruins lives.

 

WOW THAT’S GOOD

 

Woodbine

Old Gold

W Weights

Three Castles

House Blend

American Blend

Two Timer

Silk Cut

Golden Virginia

Old Hillside

Old Holborn

Dunhill

IN PIPE LEAF OR PAPERS

 

Imported

Navy Cut

Park Drive

Iceberg

Piccadilly

Embassy Regal

Lambert And Butler

Eagles

American Blend

Fine Cut

Old Shag

Ready Rubbed

Players # 6

Alpine

Panatella

Embassy Gold

Rough Shag

Sobrani

SMOKING KILLS

 

Strand

Mayfair

Old Holborn

Knights

Iceberg

Number 6

Guards

Kent

Imported

Lucky Strike

Liberty

St Moritz

SMOKERS ANONYMOUS

 

Members of Smokers anonymous

Will sniff at the clothes of fellows

For any scent of cigarette smoke

And their breath for a hint of polo

SMOKERS RULES

 

A smoker is always attracted to the non-smoking section

Due largely to any one of the following eventualities

The cigarette smoke always drifts toward a non-smoker

Regardless of the strength of breeze or its directionality

The amount of pleasure derived from a cigarette

Depends on the number of non-smokers in the vicinity

The time it takes to smoke a cigarette depends on a great deal

On the level of protest from non-smokers in your proximity

LONGER

 

I don’t smoke any longer

Of long life I'm fonder

Will it help I wonder

To make me any stronger

And make me live longer

Or just to seem longer

CABINET NEWS

What wonderful news not only has the British Government finally made a decision on something, but they have made a good one.

They are finally going to ban smoking in pubs.

Now we can not only subject ourselves to coronary inducing meals, smoke free, but we can also relax safe in the knowledge that our children are free to binge drink and experiment with drugs without the additional hazard of passive smoking.

Well done Nanny Blair.

ANTI SOCIAL CLUB

 

I have been a non-smoker for the best part of four years now and I smoked for the previous thirty-two.

I gave up smoking because I decided it was the right thing to do at the time.

Not because it was bad for me or because apart from Cancer and Heart disease Smoking has been blamed for everything from Blindness to impotence, I wasn’t worried about my heath after all you always think it will never happen to you.

Nor was it because it has become such an anti-social habit spawning little clusters of social lepers huddled around doorways or rubbish bins.

No, I gave up because with a wife three children and a cat I just couldn’t afford it anymore.

I certainly didn’t stop because of the social Nazis, that annoying group of people who are not satisfied with living with their own lifestyle choices, not smoking, not eating meat, saving the planet, and inexplicably wearing beige but want to convert us too.

In fact, they are determined not to rest until we are a world of beige clad, non-smoking vegetarian tree huggers.

During my thirty-two-year reign as a satisfied smoker I never once tried to persuade a perfect stranger to light up nor have I ever suggested to a vegetarian that they “get their laughing gear around a chicken leg”.

Having said all that I would stress that I have urged anyone who’s favourite colour is beige to seek professional help.

I have also anonymously sent colour charts in the post to the more tragic sufferers.

Now I refer to these people as social Nazis these are of course not to be confused with Adolph Hitler’s National Socialist Party who ruled Germany.

Those Nazis quite frankly would never have dared to invade Poland if the storm troopers had had to wear beige.

But despite a very effective media campaign Cigarettes are not the personification of evil in the world today - alcohol is and the social Nazis need a dose realism and a refocusing of their energies onto a much more troubling situation in our society today namely alcohol induced anti-social behaviour.

Come Friday and Saturday night every town center in Britain is filled with drunken youth.

The young who cannot handle the booze that is so readily available and for them so affordable, spill out onto the street either to commit an assault on a fellow reveler or to be assaulted or perhaps to collapse in the night air and drown on their own vomit.

Yet we do nothing to stop it on the contrary we give evermore access to drinkers and we have made alcohol available 24/7.

So what in society is to blame?, Smoking, Kebab vans, coffee shops or bars, pubs and clubs?

Nobody wraps the car around a tree because they smoked too many Woodbines down the “Lamb and Faggott”, and a man doesn’t go home and beat his wife because he smoked a whole pack of Rothman’s.

Nobody gets stopped by the police for having exceeded the legal limit of chili sauce in their system.

Nobody starts a fight outside the kebab shop because “he looked at my girlfriend in a funny way” as a result of an overindulgence of kebab meat.

For me the answer is obvious, the car that crashed into the tree was driven by a drunk driver, the man who went home and beat his wife was a drunk, the driver stopped by the police was a drunk and as for the man outside the kebab shop well it was the eight pints of Stella he had down the pub before he arrived at the kebab house that made him want to fight.

I like a drink myself, but I do it in moderation but be in no doubt that left unchecked Alcohol ruins lives.

FOUL PLAY

 

Governments and big corporations

Pollute our water for drinking

Fill our food with chemicals

And pollute the very air we’re breathing

With poisons and carcinogens

And they manage this beyond all belief

By blaming all the worlds ills

On the innocent looking tobacco leaf

A COOL SMOKE

Having a smoking section in a restaurant

Is so un-cool

It’s like having a peeing section

In a swimming pool