21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 5

 

Mary Mary quite contrary,

How has your garden thrived?

With fertilizers and chemicals?

Or is it genetically modified?

INCONSEQUENTIAL?

Maybe to the world at large

You are just one person

Small, inconsequential

But if you think that you’re wrong

The truth I want to tell you

On a banner boldly unfurled

To this one lucky person

You are the entire world 

THANK GOD IT’S FEBRUARY

 

Thank God it’s February

And the month of January

Is now just a memory

And thank God for Salary

HAPPY BIRTHDAY # 1

 

You’ve reached a ripe old age

If you were wine you would be Vintage

But you’re a man if I may be so bold

And lets face it you’re just old

PUT DOWN # 4

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

If he says to you “I'm a photographer

I've been looking for a face like yours.”

Just reply “I'm a plastic surgeon

I've been looking for a face like yours.”

HANDBAGS AND GLADRAGS

 

Alligators and Crocodiles

Swam the murky waters

Unchanged in their ancestry

And in their sons and daughters

 

Oh how time had left them

As the world kept spinning

Swimming the murky waters

Since the worlds beginning

 

Until they then fell foul

Of fashion entrepreneurs

Valuing them for their skins

For devotees of couture

FEVERISH

 

I don’t think I have swine flu

As I haven’t been to Mexico

But I don’t feel well at all

I feel like crap if you must know

I thought of the NHS for advice

On the flu and perhaps its tackling

So I phoned the swine flu hotline

But all I got was crackling

ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER

 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Is that really true I wonder

Does it work without fail

Or is it just an old wives tale

I’m not sure the advice is the best

And I’m fearful to put it to the test

For if I were to go away

For a month, a week, a day

I fear I wouldn’t miss you and pine

But would think our separation fine

A GRAVY TRAIN PRODUCTION

 

In order to keep supping

From the gravy train

The hangers on have boarded

The chav express again

 

Moving the Goody show

To the stage from satellite

So they can still cash in

And keep her in the spotlight

 

As if this crazy world

Wasn’t already farcical

Now we have to suffer

Jade the fucking musical

FILTHY RICH

 

Life can really be

An awful bitch

Which is why, on balance

I would prefer to be rich

There are some people

Those lucky dogs and bitches

Who though little effort

Amass immense riches

In numbered accounts

Their balances healthy

And they find themselves

So incredibly wealthy

That they lose all respect

For simple humanity

And that's the kind of rich

That I want to be.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 4

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie

Kissed the girls but didn’t know why.

When the boys came out to play

He had more fun because he was gay

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (3)

 

My dad told me

“Susan’s going to the west of India”

So, I said “Goa?”

“Well, that’s what they say about her”

WORKING LATES AND EARLIES

 

Why is it that the boss

Is in the office bright and early

Only on those particular days

When the rest of us are tardy

But is noticeably late

On the days that we are early

SHARING

 

We shared an umbrella when we first met

When caught in an April shower

We shared our first kiss

One night in the wee small hours

We shared a passionate embrace

And made love in culmination

Then we shared a secret

After we caught an unpleasant infection

THE IT GIRL

 

I had a first date with a girl

From the I.T. suite

Who for a computer nerd

Is really very sweet

It was a disaster

Not quite but almost complete

I wish that I could have hit

Ctrl Alt Delete

COMFORT EATER

 

Through a total lack of self esteem

I eat too much to ease my despair

And food has now replaced sex for me

So, I can't even get into my own underwear

I ONCE WROTE A NOTE

 

I once wrote a note

Writ on paper, hue of oat

Not of literary note

Worth less than a groat

Full of unimportant quote

Not worthy to promote

No ego should it bloat

No means to gloat

But it got my vote

 

The note I wrote

I put in my coat

The coat that I tote

The one on which I dote

The one with stoat

About the throat

My favourite coat

Now held my note

 

But I left the coat

That housed my note

Upon a boat

“The rampant goat”

That was afloat

In a bay remote

The note, the coat,

And the boat did float

 

So where was my note?

Memorized by rote

In my favourite coat

With throat of stoat

Floating like a mote

On some distant boat

With no shelter of cote

The note, the coat,

On that blasted boat

TIMING IS EVERYTHING

 

We were both young me and him

And full of vigour and vim

So why was our sex life so grim?

 

We understood the mechanics

We enjoyed each other’s bits

And knew where everything fits

 

So why? Pray tell me, was it

When we get down to do it

Our expectation were never met

 

We tried every artificial aid

Roll play and other forms of charade

So, a radical decision was made

 

We visited a doctor’s surgery

In hope to relieve our anxiety

Hooray there was nothing wrong with me

 

I could set my mind at rest

That when he was rummaging in my vest

I was functioning at my best

 

There was no problem with me, but him

Though both full of vigour and vim

He was the reason our sex life was grim

 

Because when we got down to jigger

And he was grappling with my figure

It quickly set off his hair trigger

 

His defect was certainly a pity

But I decided to dump Mr. Brevity

And found a man with sexual longevity

PUT DOWN # 3

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

When he says to you

“Haven't I seen you some place before”?

Just say clearly to him

“Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore” 

WHO KILLED COCK ROBIN?

 

“Who killed Cock Robin?”

 “I,” said the Sparrow,

“With my bow and arrow,

I killed Cock Robin.”

 

“Who killed the sparrows?”

 “We,” said the Humans,

“Without many deftly hands,

We killed the sparrows.”

 

“Why kill the sparrows?”

“Because they are so small,

And don’t matter at all,

That’s why we kill the sparrows.”

 

“Who killed the humans?”

“Mother nature did the act,

For man’s breach of contract,

Mother nature had to act”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 3

 

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pie man "what have you got there?"
Said the pie man to Simple Simon "what do you expect me to have?"
“I’m the pie man so I’ve got pies you dozy chav”

PAM AND SUE (sisters rewrite)

 

I’ve met strange girls

In this life of mine

When seeking company

From time to time

Strange like the sisters

That once I knew

Two sisters known

As Pam and Sue

 

Now Pam was the oldest

As a matter of fact

And she had blonde hair

Right down her back

That sounds all right

You would have said

But it grew down her back

And not on her head

 

Now Sue was the younger

It has to be said

And she wasn’t blonde

She was a red head

And when I saw her

I was filled with dread

She had no hair

Just a very red head

 

I’ve met strange girls

In this life of mine

When seeking company

From time to time

But none since the sisters

That once I knew

Who went by the names

Of Pam and Sue

THE MARITAL PROCESS

 

I think that marriage

Is not as the bible may suggest

For adults to produce children

Through marital congress

But rather the opposite is true

If I might hazard my guess

It is for children to produce adults

At the end of the marital process

WHO IS ANNE ADCOCK?

 

The very acerbic Anne Adcock

Who seems to appear adhoc

In order to criticize or knock

 

Seems to appear out of nowhere

Materializing out of the ether

Leaving no way to contact her

 

She hides behind her anonymity

Like the Scarlet Pimpernel maybe

Or perhaps she is actually a he

 

She protects the sacred grammar

Never knowing when to expect her

She’s like the Pimpernel in that manner

 

They seek her here

They seek her there

They seek Ms Adcock everywhere

Is she in hiding?

Or is she not

That darned elusive Anne Adcock

THE PARADOX OF MARRIAGE

 

When a woman decides

To play the marriage game

She expects her spouse to change

But alas he stays the same

When a man decides

To play the marriage game

His spouse in fact changes

When he expects her to stay the same

SPREADAGE

 

There is a natural law of perversity
You cannot no matter the necessity
Determine in anyway successfully
Beforehand or ahead
Which side of the bread
To be buttered or spread

A BLOCKED VALVE

 

I have some information to impart

Why it is that men snore

When they lie on their backs

Is the time they do it more

It’s a simple case of physics

Because their dangly bits of genitalia

Hang down to block their anal orifice

Which in turn causes apnea

THE CATS WHISKERS

 

You are simply the bee’s knees

The cat’s whiskers to a tee

And I couldn’t feel more lucky

If I’d won, the national lottery

So, I amble about the place

A smug expression on my face

Like a cat that got the cream

As you’ve made my life a dream

And you are my little sex kitten

And I am yours, totally smitten

DIPPED OUT

 

In the dim and distant past

When I was young and free

Going about running and skipping

And we’d all go “skinny dipping”

 

Now the years have rushed past

And have taken their toll

I hobble, shuffling and clunking

And in the pool, I go “chunky dunking”

MISSING OUT

 

They’ve taken all the fun away

It’s prohibited from the school day

Thanks to the politically correct crusade

And the health and safety brigade

There can be no unacceptable names

Or boisterous competitive games

Now playing in the snow and ice

You must play games safe and nice

The nanny state has declared

That the nation’s children must be spared

But when I was a child, we did alright

And we did survive an occasional fight

But we had more freedom in my view

We could choose what things to do

You didn’t have to climb in trees

Or pick the scabs off wounded knees

You didn’t have to play kiss chase

Or catch a snowball in the face

You didn’t have to make a slide in the snow

If you didn’t want to you could say no

Conkers was not a compulsory game

You didn’t have to call girls names

You could roll in the grass again and again

Or jump in puddles after heavy rain

You didn’t have to skip with girls

Or run with grass seed in your curls

If you didn’t want to there was no need

You could sit alone and quietly and read

But if you chose to you could do it

And after all we were young and fit

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 2

 

It's raining, it's pouring;

Politicians are snoring.

They had their chance

To save the world

Now we’re screwed by global warming           

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – ANSWERING THE CALL

 

In class one day a boy named Benny

Needed to go to the toilet suddenly

So, he called out loudly to Miss

“Please I really need to take a piss”

The teacher said “No you must wait”

“The correct word to use is urinate”

If you use “urinate” in a sentence correctly

I will allow you to go to the lavatory

And so thought the boy called Benny

Desperate now to spend a penny

“You're an eight miss” says young Ben

“But if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!”

DON’T THROW ME ON THE SCRAP HEAP

 

Don’t throw me on the scrap heap

Just because I’m old

I still have talent and skills to offer

If I may be so bold

My talent is called multi-tasking

Or so I’ve been led to believe

And I can simultaneously wet myself

And laugh, cough, fart and sneeze

LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD

 

A breath of fresh air

Comes our way

As he struts the stage

Like JFK

And talks the talk

Like Martin Luther King

As he galvanizes allies

From either wing

He holds our hopes

In his African American hands

Let’s hope he fulfils

All his promised plans

And that Barack Obama

The young congressman

Leads us as President

To Dr Kings promised land

HONEYMOON ADVICE

 

On your wedding night

And you are nervous

And full of trepidations

Don’t sit up all night

Awaiting the arrival

Of your sexual relations

MIRROR, MIRROR

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Am I the loveliest of them all?

Mirror, mirror tell me for sure

To stop me feeling insecure

 

Mirror, mirror hanging there

You needn’t tell me I look fair

Let me think that I look slim

So I can look good for him

 

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Tell me that my bum is small

Mirror, mirror looking glass

Tell me that’s not all my arse 

I WOULD IF I COULD

 

I would if I could

But I can’t so I shan’t

How good if I should

But I can’t which I grant

If I could I know I would

But I can’t so I shan’t

Oh, how good if I should

But I chant I can’t, I can’t

CAT BOY

 

My son is like a cat

There’s no doubt of that

All day long he sleeps

While the daylight seeps

Then with a few cat licks

He hits the pavement bricks

And stays out all night

Returning at first light

To where he resides

And when he slinks inside

Without a single word

He brings with him a tatty bird

OLD MAN IN THE MIRROR

 

If when you look in the mirror

And you see NO beer belly

NO complexion like cracked leather

NO bald head or nose like a strawberry

If when you look in the mirror

And it doesn’t look like you have three arses

Or have varicose veins on your lily-white legs

Then you need to wear glasses

TITTER YE NOT AMY rewrite

The pop diva Amy Winehouse
It was announced in the press today
May stay in Frankie Howerd’s old house
if Amy’s Mum manages to get her way

Her mum told her she has to go to rehab
But Amy said nay, nay and thrice nay

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 1

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

Thanks to a litigious culture, and a legal vulture

Humpty Dumpty made a big score

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – A QUESTION OF SYLLABLES

 

“Ok class, today we will learn

About words with multi syllables”

The teacher addressed her class

“Does anyone have an example?”

One boy put up his hand

“Please miss I have an example”

He wrote on the blackboard “Mas-tur-bate”

Then said “that is my example”

The teacher was a little embarrassed
"Gosh that’s a mouthful."
"No, Miss, you're thinking of a blowjob

And that has fewer syllables”

I WENT TO A FUNERAL TODAY

 

I went to a funeral today

What a totally depressing day

In was a humanist service

Cold and utterly soulless

With some mumbling buffoon

Waffling on in monotone

A couple of poorly read poems

From some well-thumbed tomes

And ended in a fit of irony

To the tune of “stay with me”

He was not religious I will concede

But even a man lacking a creed

Should be launched into oblivion

To the sound of a rousing requiem

WOW FACTOR

 

When looking for a partner

Be a little smart

And pay attention to this wisdom

I wish to impart

Good looks will catch their eye

Which is a good start 

But it takes a good personality

To catch their heart

GROWING OLD TOGETHER

 

Journey to our Autumn years

In my loving company

Let us age together like old port

Or mature like a piece of Brie

What joys the future holds

If you spend your life with me

BACHELOR BOY

A bachelor is so defined

As a man who doesn’t marry

When he is perfectly able

And as a result of bachelorhood

They miss the perfect opportunity

To make a woman’s life miserable

MEN ARE ALL THE SAME

 

Men are all the same

Let’s say that from the start

They have different faces

But only to tell them apart

Like distinguishing marks

And another alarming fact

If, all men are created equal

How sad is that?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY’S

 

Another birthday has arrived

Happy birthday we all shout

The cake is a mass of candles

A milestone year without doubt

Just be sure you wish for strength

To blow all the candles out

WEDDING SUPER

 

Well congratulations are in order

Two superheroes have tied the knot

The Invisible Man has just got married

To the Invisible Woman and why not

But I would offer to the happy couple

This note of caution, I would suggest

They avoid at all costs having a brat

Because it will be nothing to look at

WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?

 

I’ve always been paranoid

That I will admit

And for many years

I’ve been getting help with it

Now to a life of deafness

I have been condemned

And I know people talk about me

But now I can’t hear them

AM I BOVVERED

 

She drove in the exit as I drove out

And I hit her car with a mighty clout

With a chorus of colourful language

She got out to inspect the damage

Her hair was pulled back from her face

Eyes bulging as if sprayed with mace

Skin tighter than the string of a bow 

As if she’d had her head out the window

I wasn’t sure if she was injured or ok

Or if her face always looked that way

I inquired if she was injured or hurt

Her response was certainly quite curt

Then I pointed out she was at fault

And she reared up like an angry colt

We exchange details insurance and such

And got in my car and wished her luck

I pointed out her horse like behaviour

And the extent of her driving failure

She was a very long way past miffed

The angry girl with the Croydon facelift

TITTER YE NOT AMY

 

The pop diva Amy Winehouse

It was announced in the press today

Is to buy Frankie Howard’s old house

After she’s been to rehab for a short stay

She was told she had to go to rehab

Though she said nay, nay and thrice nay

BYE, BYE, EVERYONE, BYE, BYE

 

Sooty is 60 years old now

And has had a long career

But behind the sweet façade

There lurks a secret I fear

Sooty and co-star Sweep

Were rivals for the love of Soo

This caused bitter resentment

Still unresolved between the two

Soo’s on screen persona

Was all sweetness and light

But being fought over

Brought her great delight

But this well kept secret

Is not the only one you see

There is another scandal

Lurking to embarrass Sooty

Despite Soo’s on screen image

Off screen she was quite wild

And the dirty little Panda

Had Sooty’s glove child

MY BROTHERS GIRLFRIEND

 

My brother has a new lady

She’s very nice but no beauty

Tall and slim with a nice figure

She definitely pulls his trigger

He is besotted with her sadly

And he dotes on her quite madly

He calls her his little hollyhock

While we all call her Bob Foc

As she has a Body Off Baywatch

And a Face Off Crimewatch

YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE

 

The upstairs flat has been sublet

Above our local patisserie

To an attractive young woman

Who wears exotic lingerie

Her pursuits are in nature erotic

Ok she’s a prostitute I will admit

But there are advantages to this

As you can eat your cake and have it

I THANK YOU

 

I thank you

For your love

I thank you

For your smile

I bless you

For your heart

And for being there

When I dial

God bless you

For your friendship

DRINK TO MY HEALTH

 

I was out for a walk

Just round and about

When I saw in a doorway

An old down and out

Drinking brake fluid

From an old tin cup

I stood for a moment

And watched him sup

“If that stuff kills you

That would be a crime”

“Don’t worry” said he

“I can stop anytime”

LIFE BEGINS

 

When my wife was pregnant

I was told I must be there

Smoking cigars with the lads

Was never on the cards I fear

I had never been fascinated

With childbirth I must declare

Waiting for the time for that bag

Of screaming giblets to appear

“I’m not going down the business end

I’ll just hold your hand dear”

But when you’re in the room

The event fills you with cheer

And when my son entered the world

I shed more than a little tear

SUCCESSFUL

 

A successful man is one who makes

More money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can

Find such a husband to apprehend

HARRY POTTER - THE WITCH WITH AN ITCH

 

He must return every time school ends

To the bosom of the family Dursley

Where he must while away the time

With only an old owl for company

 

He waited for word from his chums

For news of some adventure to be had

But they were having too much fun

To spare a thought for the lonely lad

 

Hermione was feeling a little ginger

Where the Weasley family dwell

Riding Ron like a nimbus

Until he screamed out “bloody hell”

 

Madam Maxime was spanking Hagrid

And covering his genitals in paint

While Neville was with Ginny

Who held his wand and made him faint

 

Professor McGonagall morphed into a cat

Then curled up on Dumbledore’s lap

Draco Malfoy wore women’s underwear

As he played with his old chap

 

Madam Pomfrey played doctors and nurses

With Minister Cornelius Fudge

And Rita Skeeter tied up young Nigel

So tight that he couldn’t budge

 

Madeye Moody had his meat and two veg

Handled by Pomona Sprout

So deftly did she manipulate him

That his good eye nearly popped out

 

Seamus played with Cornish pixies

Where Goblin meant something more

And the Patil girls made up a threesome

With the demure Fleur Delacour

 

Goyle and Crabbe liked to be beaten

And over a desk they were bent

Though Filius Flitwick had to stand on a box

To mete out their punishment

 

Unwanted Harry sat alone in his room

Pining for his young love Cho

And was finally forced to seek solace

Where the sad and the lonely go

 

He sought out the purveyors of sex

Looking for some company

At a place frequented by Filch and Snape

On a street called Ven Ally

 

But he contracted the vilest irritation

On his most intimate patch

After consorting with a cut price bludger

At a place called the “Golden snatch”

 

If he had not been so cheap

And not chosen such a dirty little witch

He would have had his carnal pleasures

Without catching the dreaded quid itch