WHEN OLDER PERFORMERS DON’T START THEIR ACT

 

When older performers don’t start their act

But begin by telling you their age instead

The crowd goes wild, but what the audience

Is applauding them for is not being dead

POSSESSED BUNDLE

 

My TV programmer is on the blink

The things possessed I'm in no doubt

It records the programs I don't like

And plays them back when I go out

ENTERTAINMENT THESE DAYS

 

Entertainment these days is nothing

But sex and violence, it appears to me

So is it really any surprise that I don’t

Have the time to watch films or TV

I WAS WATCHING A DOCUMENTARY ON TV

 

I was watching a documentary on TV

Last night about the viewing audience

And the decline in their attention spans

Well I watched some of it in my defense

EVEN NETFLIX HAS COME TO THE CONCLUSION

 

Even Netflix has come to the conclusion

I watch too much TV, so there’s no doubt,

It doesn’t suggest more box sets to watch

Instead, it’s started suggesting I go out

THEY’RE REMAKING OLD TV SHOWS

 

They’re remaking old TV shows

Updating oldies from TV heaven

A Sci-Fi version of “On the Buses”

Is going to be called Blakey’s Seven

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 1

 

Is there anything more annoying?

Is anything quite as wrong?

As the DJ on the radio

Not telling you who sang the song

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO

 

I don’t know what to do

About all the sex, nudity,

Foul language and violence

On my DVD

IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE + 1 CHANNELS

If you are going to have + 1 channels

There should be a – 1 for the viewer

Which would automatically erase anything

You may have recorded in error

WALT DISNEY ON ICE

 

The kids wanted to see

Walt Disney on ice

They all thought

It would be really nice

 

However, it turned out

To be some old geezer,

Walt Disney apparently,

Lying dead in a freezer

QUEUE JUMPERS

 

Outside a popular night club

A set of jump leads were queuing

The bouncer said, “I'll let you in

As long but don't start anything”

BLOCKBUSTER ANSWER

I went to the local video shop and said,

“Can I borrow “Batman Forever?” My friend”

He said, “No, I’m afraid that’s not possible

But you can have it for the weekend”

ENTERTAINMENT THESE DAYS

 

Entertainment these days t is nothing

But sex and violence, it appears to me

So is it really any surprise that I don’t

Have the time to watch films or TV

THEY’RE PUTTING ON ACTIVITIES

They’re putting on activities

For those whose lives need enhancing

Well, I’m hard of hearing

And of the activities they are advancing

Budgie jumping, parrot shooting

And hen gliding 

Might be worth chancing

But no way am I going to have a go

At the Lion dancing

WALT DISNEY ON ICE

 

The kids wanted to see

Walt Disney on ice

They all thought

It would be really nice

 

However, it turned out

To be some old geezer,

Walt Disney apparently,

Lying dead in a freezer

TELLY

 

Telly

Many channels

More choice they tell us

But its just more channels really

Telly

THE LADY VANISHES 2013

 

I’ve just watched the BBC’s new dramatization of The Lady Vanishes and I have to say hats off to Screen Writer Fiona Seres who reworked the Hitchcock classic to the point that only the title remained.

I should say that the excellent cast should in no way feel any responsibility for this flop after all you can’t make a silk purse from a sow’s ear.

I can only assume that she had never seen the original 1938 version of the British comic thriller directed by Alfred Hitchcock and Written by Sidney Gilliat and Frank Launderand.

This classic starred Margaret Lockwood and Michael Redgrave and was both critically acclaimed as a masterpiece and was a box office smash.

Even director Anthony Pages 1979 remake, though a pale imitation of Hitchcock’s original, was a far superior offering than the one served up last night.

Ms Seres should also be commended not only for the Lady Vanishing but also the iconic characters, Charters and Caldicott, on top of which she managed to vanish any hint of suspense.

IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?

 

A new quiz show is coming very soon

It will be a one off though to be fair

Its only open to uniformed doormen

It’s “who wants to be a commissionaire”

REALLY?

 

The latest TV craze is for reality shows

And they seem that they are at their peak

There are some new ones starting very soon

In fact, the first of them starts next week

And they have chosen a religious theme

In order to tap into the large Christian poll

The first one is aimed at the Roman Catholics

To choose a new pontiff and called “pope idol”

Then for the Protestant’s to keep a balance

For church choristers and singers of gospels

The host is a tall, bearded man named Mathew

The show will be called “stars in your aisles”

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO

 

I don’t know what to do

About all the sex, nudity,

Foul language and violence

On my DVD