MY BROTHER IS SO PESSIMISTIC

 

My brother is so pessimistic,

No matter what his circumstances

If there was a pessimism Olympics

He wouldn't fancy his chances

Sporting Briefs

A POLE DANCER AND A GYMNAST

A pole dancer and a gymnast
Hard working and skilled too
The only difference between them
Seems to be the quantity of tattoo

STOLEN MOMENTS

Drug cheats should receive,
No second chance, no reprieve
A total ban for their crime
And the ban should be lifetime

The winner of the event
The one for whom the gold was meant
Doesn’t stand atop the podium
And hear their anthem in the stadium

The true gold medal recipient
Is for ever robbed of that moment
Though their honour was earned
That moment can never be returned

PROUD FATHER OF THE PARALYMPICS
Professor Sir Ludwig "Poppa" Guttmann

How proud would Ludwig be?
If he could only see
The oak tree that has grown
From his tiny acorn sown

As a Jew he was no stranger
To prejudice and its danger
He had seen the Nazi storm
And they’re concept of the norm
He saw how disabilities lead
To the slaughter shed
So he fled to London
And his work was begun

How proud would Poppa be?
If he could only see
The fruits of his endeavours
To change the view forever
Of people written off
“Only cripples?” he would scoff

He was a tour de force
And single minded of course
Who didn’t see freak show exhibits
But challenges to the human spirit

How proud he would have been
If he could have only seen
When Paralympians, each and every one
Out shone the September sun

CLEAN AND JERK

I’ve just found out about the clean and jerk
I don’t mind saying I feel a bit of a burke
In fact I doubt I could feel any dafter
Because I generally clean mine after

WELL NOW THE PARALYMPICS ARE OVER

Well now the Paralympics are over
The call is coming loud and clear
To accommodate those unfortunates
Whose disadvantages were just too severe
For them to be able to compete
So following a simply inspired idea
Next summer on the sporting Calendar
A brand new event will appear
To accommodate the unfortunates
When the “Essex Games” begin next year

THE ESSEX GAMES

The Essex Games
Begin next year
For the Essex folk
Who will appear

In man made fibres
And gaudy splendour
To watch the best of them
In their endeavours

When Dave and Chelsea
Shazza and Baz
Will perform for us to watch
In such events as

Copping a strop
Vagazaling
The stiletto 100m
And the bling

Throwing a tantrum
The Alco pop crawl
The face dive
And the ungraceful fall

As yet the events list
Is relatively small
Unless you can suggest
Anything at all?

WE WERE AT THE WEIGHTLIFTING

We were at the weightlifting
Watching the woman at work
My friend shouted “great snatch”
I said, “Isn’t this the clean and jerk?”

2012 - SUMMER OF SPORT

For the most splendid
Summer of sport
We should thank Lord Coe
And all the ambassadors
All the games makers
And the volunteers
We should thank the armed forces
For stepping into the breech
Technicians and officials
All the competitors
For performing to their best
And the spectators
Just for being there
And last but by no means least
For their foresight
All those years ago
In clearing the Olympic site
We say a big thank you
To the German Luftwaffe

AT THE ESSEX GAMES # 1

At the Essex Games
Beginning next year
For the Essex folk
Have hit a snack I fear

On health safety grounds
There will be no swimming
Because it have transpired
That the pool was brimming
With dirty brown water
When every girl and man
Had dived in to the pool
Wearing too much fake tan

A QUESTION OF SPORT

A GAME OF ARRA’S

Me and some friends
Fancied a game of darts
I said, “Nearest the bull
To see who starts”
Johnny went “Woof”
And I went “Baah”
Then Danny went “Moo”
He was the closest by far

GOOD OLD FIFA

Good old FIFA
Are getting very fat
With a fee for this
And a fee for that

A GAME OF ALL FOURS

When she suggested
A game of all fours
I thought that meant
Getting into her drawers
But no I was wrong
Which is a shame
It turns out “all fours”
Is just a card game


ACED

My uncle sadly died at Wimbledon
He was a killed by a tennis ball
I wasn’t too sad at the funeral
It was a lovely service after all

ARE YOU WEARING PLUS FOURS?

Are you wearing plus fours?
Well they look just the job
The tweeds with argyle socks
But you do look like a nob

ARE YOU WEARING PLUS TWOS?

Are you wearing plus twos?
Well listen, here’s the bad news
It looks as though the plus twos
Have fallen out with your shoes

ARE YOU WEARING OLYMPIC SUITS?

Are you wearing Olympic suits?
Well you’re looking very smart
You’re Essex lads aren’t you?
I bet you can’t wait for it to start
You will show to the world at large
That you have good hearts
When you’re lighting the torches
Show us you possess some smarts
For I hope there is more to you
When the 2012 Olympiad starts
Than dropping your tailored trousers
And lighting up your farts

OK MY LITTLE SEX POODLE

“Ok my little sex poodle
Get up those stairs right now
Quickly get up those stairs
You horny little cow”

“Oh you sweet talker
You have the gift and how
I’m your spanky sex poodle
I’m your willing little frau”

“No I mean it get upstairs
You don’t have to kowtow
Just get upstairs without delay
The match is starting now”

THE BEST IN THE WORLD

I wont hear a word against our tennis players
It’s true that they certainly have their detractors
But I have always thought British players
Make truly world-class tennis commentators