Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts

Thursday 2 November 2023

Uncanny Tales – (074) The Serendipitous Find

 

John and Sharon Daly were moving to Downshire and as they were unfamiliar with the County, they took a week’s holiday to get the lay of the land and look for properties within a 20-mile radius of Abbeyvale, where they would both be working.

It was on their third day when they drove to the south of Northchapel and got lost and ended up in the beautiful village of Chapel Hill.

There was an expanse of green at the centre of the village complete with duckpond and a weeping willow tree.

On the north side of the green was the pub, The Woodcutters Tavern and attached to the side of the pub there was a Stephenson’s general store and post office, across the green from the pub was the church, St Peter’s, with the vicarage to one side and a row of shops ran alongside the road on the West of the green, Buckley’s Greengrocer and Fruiterer’s, Addisons Bakery, Harvey’s Pharmacy, Bizzie Lizzie Florist, Mazzones Hairdressers, Harrisons Hardware and Boddingtons Butchers.

“It seems to have everything here” Sharon said.

“And its lovely”

“Well lets walk over to the Pub and we can go online to see if we can actually afford to live here.”

As they crossed the green, they noticed on the farthest side, at the end of the lane, what appeared to be a “for sale” board.

John and Sharon looked at each other, shrugged and walked towards it.

When they reached the end of the lane they stopped and looked at the board.

“Owen and Hargreaves of Abbottsford,” it read.

John took out a pen and paper and started to write down the phone number.

“Hello there,” said a disembodied voice.

John looked up and saw an elderly lady emerge from behind some shrubbery.

“Did you want to see round the house?” she said removing her gardening glove.

“Well, we haven’t come from the agent,” said Sharon hesitantly.

“We were just out for a drive and stumbled upon the village.”    

“Well, you might as well see it now you’re here,” she said with a smile and opened the gate.

“Come on in” she gestured.

“Come on in I’m Isabelle” she offered her hand and cocked her head.

“Oh, I’m John Daly” he said taking her hand.

“This is my wife, Sharon.”

After introductions they were given the full tour of the house and gardens ending with drinks on the patio.

“I only put the house on the market yesterday” she told them.

“You’re the first to view”

She then told them that since the children, she had six, had grown up and moved away and her husband had “passed on” the house was just too big for her now.

So, she was going to go and live with her daughter in Canada.

“I have the estate agent’s details in the house, it gives all the room sizes and such, I’ll just pop in and get it” she said disappearing through the French doors.

“What do you think?” whispered Sharon.

“It’s lovely” he replied in a whisper “It’s perfect.” 

The house was called “Hill View Cottage” and was nestled in the hillside amidst the remnants of the ancient forest, which was once draped across the whole of the southern landscape.

The garden sloped gently away from the house and as they sat on Isabelle’s patio, they looked out across the valley to the distant town of Abbeyvale, and beyond to the forested hills on the far side of the valley.

“This is the one” she said.

“Let’s make an offer then” John agreed.

Tuesday 18 July 2023

MY WIFE WANTED THE HEATING ON

 

My wife wanted the heating on in september

But I didn’t want it on until at least october

In our house its known simply as cold war-fare

Thursday 6 July 2023

I HAVE THE BEST WIFE IN THE WORLD

 

I have the best wife in the world

The long-suffering husband said

“She uses the soft end of the broom

When she strikes me across the head”

Saturday 24 June 2023

FOGHORN LEGHORN WAS MARRIED

 

Foghorn Leghorn was married

To Yoyo, An eccentric Hen,

So called because she laid

The same egg again and again

DAPHNE DUCK MARRIED

 

Daphne Duck married

Foghorn Leghorn

And their child woke them

At the quack of dawn

Wednesday 21 June 2023

BEING IN ISOLATION WITH MY WIFE

 

Sadly, being in isolation with my wife

Has been to our relationships detriment

And I fear that it will either end

In divorce or more likely life imprisonment

Monday 5 June 2023

SOMETIMES AFTER THE WEDDING

 

Sometimes after the wedding

Despite the best intentions

There is a Honeymoon period

Causing unlucky abstentions

WAS JESUS MARRIED # 2

 

Was Jesus married?

Was a she behind his success?

That might well explain

Faking his own death

Sunday 4 June 2023

SHE WANTED HIM TO CARRY HER UPSTAIRS

 

She wanted him to carry her upstairs

Before he made love to her

But he refused to do it because

He was the lighthouse keeper

Sunday 28 May 2023

A MAN IN LOVE IS INCOMPLETE

 

A man in love is incomplete

Until he is married

According Zsa Zsa Gabor

And then he’s finished

THE TRAFFIC COP STOPPED A TRUCK

 

The traffic cop stopped a truck

And told the driver that his wife

Had fallen out of the back, and

As a result the woman lost her life

The driver though was not bereft

But relieved he hadn’t gone deaf

Saturday 27 May 2023

THE ABSENT GIFT

 

The man explained why he hadn’t

Got his wife a gift for her birthday

The previous year he bought her

The nice plot in the cemetery

That she had requested, and she

Hadn’t used it, and he was unhappy

AFTER GETTING HOME LATE ONE NIGHT

 

After getting home late one night, very drunk,

He sees something that will forever scar his brain

And the consequence of seeing two of his wife

He quit drinking so he wouldn’t see that again

SHE PUT THE ASHES IN AN EGG TIMER

 

She put the ashes in an egg timer

After her husband’s final breath

So he would at least be useful

Around the house after his death

Friday 26 May 2023

MATRIMONIAL TOME

 

Sometimes I wish

My wife was a book

Simply because  

You can shut up a book


HE WAS LOCKED UP AFTER HE THREW

 

He was locked up after he threw

His wife’s clothes out the window

What made it a heinous crime

She was wearing them at the time

HE MARKED HIS GOLDEN WEDDING

 

He marked his golden wedding

With his customary defiance

Celebrating the special occasion

With a two minutes silence

MY WIFE ALWAYS GETS HISTORICAL

 

My wife always gets historical

When we argue, not hysterical

She drags up things you know

That happened many years ago

Thursday 25 May 2023

OPPOSITES ATTRACT THEY SAY

 

Opposites attract they say

And for my wife and I

Nothing could be truer

As I have an eight-inch penis

And she doesn’t know

How to use a ruler

MY WIFE WAS VERY EMBARRASSED OF ME

 

My wife was very embarrassed of me

So much so in her view

That on our wedding day

I was only invited to the evening do