While sitting at her husband’s funeral
The
widow was approached by a man
Asking,
“Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No
not at all” she replied “Go ahead”
So
he walked briskly to the lectern
Cleared
he throat and said “Plethora”
Then
he walked back to the widow
“Thank
you” she said “it means a lot”
My wife is incredibly smart, because
I rang her on the
phone of a buddy
And she answered
“Hello darling”
Amazingly she
already knew it was me
My wife gave birth today
And after thanking
the doc
I sheepishly asked
him
“When can have
sex?”
He winked and said
“I’m off duty at
ten”
I just walked into the bedroom,
Which was littered with crap
And tripped over my wife’s bra
I was floored by her booby trap
My wife told me over breakfast
That sex was better on holiday
It took me completely by surprise
As the postcard only arrived that day
I lost my watch at a party once
And someone
stepped on it
While being
aggressive to his wife
And calling her a
bitch
I hit him as no
one behaves like that
To a woman, not on
my watch
My wife mistakenly thought I said
“I’m
giving up drinking for a month”
What
I meant was “I’m giving up,
And I’m drinking for a month”
I have a trick when I’m struggling
To
get my lovely wife’s attention
I
just sit down and look comfortable
And
that always gets her attention
Our therapist berated my wife
Which made me feel
very smug
“Embrace your
mistakes” she said
So, my wife gave
me a big hug
My wife said “I’m Pregnant”
I
smiled and replied “Hi pregnant,
I’m
a Dad” then she was hesitant
Then
said “No, you’re not Grant”
“Don’t go in there” my wife screamed
“Don’t
go in the church you moron”
She
drunkenly screamed at the TV
It
was clear she had the wedding video on
My wife found a spider
But
told me not to kill it
“You
can take it out instead”
So, we
went out for a drink
He was
an interesting guy
“I’m a
web designer” he said
John and Sharon Daly were moving to Downshire and as they were unfamiliar with the County, they took a week’s holiday to get the lay of the land and look for properties within a 20-mile radius of Abbeyvale, where they would both be working.
It
was on their third day when they drove to the south of Northchapel and got lost
and ended up in the beautiful village of Chapel Hill.
There
was an expanse of green at the centre of the village complete with duckpond and
a weeping willow tree.
On
the north side of the green was the pub, The Woodcutters Tavern and attached to
the side of the pub there was a Stephenson’s general store and post office,
across the green from the pub was the church, St Peter’s, with the vicarage to
one side and a row of shops ran alongside the road on the West of the green,
Buckley’s Greengrocer and Fruiterer’s, Addisons Bakery, Harvey’s Pharmacy,
Bizzie Lizzie Florist, Mazzones Hairdressers, Harrisons Hardware and
Boddingtons Butchers.
“It
seems to have everything here” Sharon said.
“And
its lovely”
“Well
lets walk over to the Pub and we can go online to see if we can actually afford
to live here.”
As
they crossed the green, they noticed on the farthest side, at the end of the
lane, what appeared to be a “for sale” board.
John
and Sharon looked at each other, shrugged and walked towards it.
When
they reached the end of the lane they stopped and looked at the board.
“Owen
and Hargreaves of Abbottsford,” it read.
John
took out a pen and paper and started to write down the phone number.
“Hello
there,” said a disembodied voice.
John
looked up and saw an elderly lady emerge from behind some shrubbery.
“Did
you want to see round the house?” she said removing her gardening glove.
“Well,
we haven’t come from the agent,” said Sharon hesitantly.
“We
were just out for a drive and stumbled upon the village.”
“Well,
you might as well see it now you’re here,” she said with a smile and opened the
gate.
“Come
on in” she gestured.
“Come
on in I’m Isabelle” she offered her hand and cocked her head.
“Oh,
I’m John Daly” he said taking her hand.
“This
is my wife, Sharon.”
After
introductions they were given the full tour of the house and gardens ending
with drinks on the patio.
“I
only put the house on the market yesterday” she told them.
“You’re
the first to view”
She
then told them that since the children, she had six, had grown up and moved
away and her husband had “passed on” the house was just too big for her now.
So,
she was going to go and live with her daughter in Canada.
“I
have the estate agent’s details in the house, it gives all the room sizes and
such, I’ll just pop in and get it” she said disappearing through the French
doors.
“What
do you think?” whispered Sharon.
“It’s
lovely” he replied in a whisper “It’s perfect.”
The
house was called “Hill View Cottage” and was nestled in the hillside amidst the
remnants of the ancient forest, which was once draped across the whole of the
southern landscape.
The
garden sloped gently away from the house and as they sat on Isabelle’s patio,
they looked out across the valley to the distant town of Abbeyvale, and beyond
to the forested hills on the far side of the valley.
“This
is the one” she said.
“Let’s
make an offer then” John agreed.
My wife wanted the heating on in september
But I didn’t want it on
until at least october
In our house its known
simply as cold war-fare
“I have the best wife in the world”
The long-suffering
husband said
“She uses the soft end
of the broom
When she strikes me
across the head”
Foghorn Leghorn was married
To Yoyo, An eccentric Hen,
So called because she
laid
The same egg again and
again
Daphne Duck married
Foghorn Leghorn
And their child woke them
At the quack of dawn
Sadly, being in isolation with my wife
Has been to our relationships detriment
And I fear that it will either end
In divorce or more likely life imprisonment
Sometimes after the wedding
Despite the best
intentions
There is a Honeymoon
period
Causing unlucky
abstentions
Was Jesus married?
Was a she behind his
success?
That might well
explain
Faking his own death
