I STAYED AT A BRILLIANT NEW HOTEL

 

I stayed at a brilliant new Hotel

It was an absolute gem of a find

But it’ the new corduroy pillows

That are really making headlines

DESCRIPTIVE TRAVELLER

 

It was appropriate for a voyeur,

To live in the village of Watcham

To where I just returned yesterday

From the Northern town of Oldham

But as that is in the past now

I suppose it should be Feltham

MIDDLE AGED HOLIDAY

 

I knew I had reached Middle age

We I went on holiday to Valetta

And among summer clothes

In my suitcase was a sweater

THE BLACK BOX FLIGHT RECORDER

 

The Black Box flight recorder

Is not black! We have been misled

Why would you call it a “black box”

And then make it orange instead

DUE TO THE PITIFUL SIZE

 

Due to the pitiful size of my

Social circle, a lad’s holiday

With me would definitely look

More like a romantic getaway

I ALWAYS MAKE THE EFFORT TO GO HOME

 

I always make the effort to go home

Though it fills me with dread to be clear

Two days of unwelcome parenting advice

From relatives I see once or twice a year

PEOPLE TRAVEL CONSIDERABLE DISTANCES

 

People travel considerable distances

To be with those they hold dear

Because these are the special people

They only see once or twice a year

But the realization that once or twice

Was way too much soon became clear

A MUSCIAN WANTED A HOLIDAY BY THE SEA

 

A musician wanted a holiday by the sea

Under blue skies with an ocean breeze

And as she was a pianist she knew exactly

Where she wanted to go, the Florida Keys

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (8)

 

Dad said, “I’m going to Thailand"

I replied to him "To Bangkok?"

He thought for a moment, then said

"Oh no I certainly hope not”

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (7)

 

He said “I was asked by my daughter,

If I could go out to East Africa”

I retorted “that’s amazing, Kenya?”

He replied “No I had to disappoint her”

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (6)

 

At a get together with Family

My widowed father told me

That he had found a new lady

“We’re off to Portuguese India”

“Oh really” I said, “Goa?”

“No” he said “she’s a bit demure”

I FLEW ON AN INFAMOUS BUDGET AIRLINE

 

I flew on an infamous budget airline

Who charged for every single item

Except for the bad service, that was free,

Which was very generous of them

MY SISTER IS A SOPHISTICATE

 

My sister is a sophisticate

And has travelled far away

She’s been to a Taj Mahal

That isn’t an Indian takeaway

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (5)

 

I’m from a big Family

And my dad said to me

“Your brother is going to Italy

With his new lady”

I said, “Oh really, Genoa?”

“No, I haven’t met her”

THE ROADS WERE UNEVEN AND BUMPY

 

The roads were uneven and bumpy,

Potholed and rutted

Which is no more than what

You come to expect

Of a third world country

Unfortunately, I was driving in Surrey

MY LUGGAGE GOT TRASHED AT THE AIRPORT

 

My luggage got trashed at the airport

So I made a claim at the appropriate place

But after filling out all the relevant forms

I was told I didn’t have much of a case

I WON AN ALL-EXPENSES PAID

I won a round the world trip,

All-expenses paid

But my wife wanted to go

Elsewhere I’m afraid 

SEND ONE BAG TO TOKYO

 

A passenger said “Send one bag to Tokyo

And the other to Paris, is that clear?”

They said at the check in desk “you’re going

To Athens so we can’t do that I fear”

“Why ever not” the man said in reply

“That’s exactly what you did last year”

BIMBETTE PACKED ALL HER GLOVES

 

Bimbette packed all her gloves

Into one suitcase for Santorini

When I asked her why she replied

“Because its hand luggage only”

MIND THE GAP, MIND THE GAP

 

Mind the gap, mind the gap

Is not an announcement about safety

But is pointing out the difference

Between the timetable and reality