Bessie Bell and Mary Gray,
They were two bonnie lasses:
They built their house upon the lea,
And were visited by flashers
Wednesday 31 August 2022
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR THE CRAIC?
Are you wearing it for the craic?
Surely the
convent will want it back
It’s your
habit? Well, that’s a twister
Get away
with you, you’re never a sister
Well, I say
you’re too lovely to be a nun
But if I’m wrong,
I’ll be getting none
PUT DOWN # 51
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Say to him
if boredom persists
"The
fact that no one understands you
Doesn’t
mean that you're an artist."
THE WORLD HAS BECOME A SMALLER PLACE
The world has become a smaller place
And it will
never be a big world again
But wherever
you go things are the same
I wish I
could uninvent the Aeroplane
SENT TO THE HEADMASTERS OFFICE
When I used to be sent to the headmaster’s office
I knew that
the punishment would never be as bad
As having
the ignominy of going and explaining my
Behaviour to
my disappointed mum and dad
THE INTERNET CAN BE A CURSE AND NOT A BLESSING
The internet can be a curse and not a blessing
For example,
the gambling sites on the net
Where eager
Gamblers don’t even need
To put on a
shirt in order to lose it on a bet
I WOULD LIKE TO FIND A MOUNTAIN
I would like to find a mountain
Where I can
be alone
A place of
peace and serenity
A truly
tranquil zone
And I will
sit and wonder why
You left me
on my own
YOU MIGHT WELL BE VERY GOOD
You might well be very good
I have no
doubt about it
But you
still can’t make
Chicken
salad from chicken shit
I ASKED THE DJ STRAIGHT
I asked the DJ straight
Do you do
requests mate
Yes, geezer
just name it
Turn the
volume down a bit
Monday 29 August 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 216
Mary had a pretty bird,
Plumage bright and yellow,
Slender legs, upon this bird
Mary didn’t need a fellow
ARE YOU WEARING A FRINGE?
Are you wearing a fringe?
I’m sorry it made me
cringe
But I have a bit of an
aversion
To that Winkleman
person
ON MY VERY FIRST DAY AT PRIMARY SCHOOL
On my very first day
at primary school
I handed, as
instructed, a letter to my teacher
It was addressed to
“whom it may concern”
And it had been
written by my mother
It read “The opinions
expressed by this boy
IF YOUR EMPLOYEE GOES ALL RAGING BULL
If your employee goes all raging bull
Instead of his normal
little sparrow
Just say “Easy there
Mr Testosterone
Or I’ll replace you
with a marrow"
PUT DOWN # 50
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when he
quickly bores
“Do you have magical
powers?
In this fantasy world
of yours?"
THE LIMITATIONS OF MODERN MEDICINE
My friend said I should take my husband
To see a doctor but I don’t
know
Modern medicine is
excellent but they
Can’t cure “honesty
impairment” though
WOMEN DON'T MAKE FOOLS OF MEN
Women don't make fools of men
So don’t believe all the
hype
Most men don’t need
any help
GSOH
A man likes a woman with a sense of humour
But he doesn’t want to
hear her jokes
To him a good sense of
humour means
That she is required
to laugh at the blokes
THE INTERNET IS A CURSE AND NOT A BLESSING
The internet is a curse and not a blessing
When you develop a habit,
you can’t stop
And max out all of your
credit cards
Without setting foot
in a single shop
IS THE INTERNET A BLESSING OR A CURSE?
Is the internet a blessing or a curse?
As a medium for interaction,
its fine
But paedophiles
operate in comfort
As they stalk their
victims online
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 215
Little Tommy Tittlemouse
Lived in a little house;
And his missus
Made him wash the
dishes
ARE YOU WEARING DREADLOCKS?
Are you wearing dreadlocks?
On you they don’t look
right
Firstly, you’re not
Jamaican
And secondly, you’re white
I ORDERED A BURGER AND FRIES
I ordered a burger and fries
Even though I know it’s all full of fat
but the girl behind the counter
WHEN PEOPLE WALK INTO YOUR LIFE
When people walk into your life
You can’t always
control who
But you can control
which window
You throw them threw
POP-UPS
Life is full of people
Who “pop in” or “pop
out”
But if we were meant
to “pop”
We’d all live in
toasters
EXPLAINING TO A TECHNOGEEK
Elaine was trying to explain to her geeky boyfriend
How she had gotten
pregnant, with no luck at all
So she put it into
techno speak “when I uploaded
From your hard drive
you didn’t use a fire wall”
TWO PSYCHICS
Two psychics stopped and the first one said
As by chance they
happened to meet
“You're feeling good
today. How am I?”
As they met one another
in the street
SHE WAS DEFINITELY ONE FOR A BARGAIN
She was definitely one for a bargain
Olympic standard if I
had a hat I would doff
She liked a bargain so
much she had her husband
Circumcised for the
sake of ten percent off
YOU ARE NOT MY CUP OF TEA
You are not my cup of tea, though
You’re not beyond help
to be sure
But admitting you’re
an asshole
Is the first step
towards a cure
Friday 26 August 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 214
There was a monkey
Climbed up a tree;
No it’s the boy from
next door,
Silly me
ARE YOU WEARING GUMBOOTS?
Are you wearing gumboots?
The great dependable
welly
They’re only short
coming being
They make your feet
smelly
ONE OF THE GREAT BENEFICIAL # 2
One of the great beneficial
Things after you
retire
Is that Tied shoes
Are considered formal
attire
PENSIONERS DON’T COUNT PENNIES
Pensioners don’t count pennies
Out of necessity
It’s just that only
they
Have the time you see
THE COMMON TERM FOR SOMEONE
The common term for someone
Who retires but goes
to work again
Because they enjoy it
too much
To give it up, is
criminally insane
DESCRIBING RETIREMENT
The best way to describe
Retirement is, make no
mistake,
If you ask a pensioner
A never-ending coffee
break
SAMUEL WAS LATE FOR SCHOOL
Samuel was late for School
“It was the sign” in
his defence he said
The teachers asked
what sign
“The one that says, “Slow, School Ahead””
JOSHUA DID HIS MULTIPLICATION
Joshua did his multiplication
Homework on the kitchen
floor
Because he was
apparently
Told not to use tables
anymore
THEY JUST KEEP ON TALKING
They just keep on talking
Long after people are
No longer interested
So we should pity the
teacher
SOME PEOPLE NEED TO EXTRACT
Some people need to extract
Their finger out of
their butt again
To get some much
needed
Oxygen to their brain
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 213
There was a man in Thessaly,
And he was wondrous
wise,
He helped us and we
wouldn’t have found
That sports bar
otherwise
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A REASON?
Are you wearing that for a reason?
That most revealing
spray on dress
I can see everything
you’ve got
There is no need for
me to guess
A PENSIONER’S BEDTIME
A pensioner’s bedtime
In retirement is quite
informal
Two hours after dozing
off
In front of the TV is normal
HOW MANY PENSIONERS DOES IT TAKE?
How many pensioners does it take?
To change a light bulb
that’s blown
Only one, but it might
take all day
To get around to it on
their own
A DOCTOR DROWNED IN A WATER HOLE
A doctor drowned in a water hole
Which goes to prove at
any rate
He should have thought
about the sick
And left the well
alone mate
THERE’S A DOWNSIDE TO RETIREMENT
There’s a downside to retirement
And I think there is
only the one
Which is that despite
all the extra time
Everything still
doesn’t get done
RETIRED PEOPLE DON’T CARE BEING
Retired people don’t care being
Called Pensioners on
any account
Because the name
pensioner comes
With a concessionary
discount
ONE OF THE GREAT BENEFICIAL # 1
One of the great beneficial
Things after you
retire
Is that polished shoes
Are considered formal
attire
SENIOR CLASSES
The biggest advantage
Of taking classes
while in retirement
Is if you play hooky
No one is going to
ring your parents
MY UNCLE JOHN IS RETIRED
My Uncle John is retired
He doesn’t miss work,
He says
But the people he
worked with
During his
professional days
Of course he lies to
spare them
Which is one of his
ways
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 212
There was a little boy and a little girl,
Lived in an alley;
Says the little boy to the little girl,
"How about it Sally?"
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A BET?
Are you wearing it for a bet?
Well you haven’t won
it yet
But I would have to
say
You’re worth a pound
each way
MULTITASKING IS A MYTH
Multitasking is a myth,
It doesn’t work sadly
Multitasking just
means
Doing lots of things
badly
SNOW NOTSO-WHITE AND THE SEVEN DIRTY DWARFS
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's home from work we
go
We all have ways to
relax at night
Cokey snorts some Snow
White
Creepy likes flashing
in the park
Sleezy self-abuses in
the dark
Gropey likes trains in
rush hour
Humpy pays for girls
by the hour
Lustful hangs around
at the docks
HE WAS THROWN OUT OF A BAR
He was thrown out of a bar
For inappropriate
behaviour
And was given a whack
He pointed at the sign
Which read “liquor at
the front”
And “poker in the
back”
AFTER HER EXAMINATION
After her examination
The doctor said
"I can find no
reason
For the pain in your
head
Now let me see the
thing
That gets ladies in
distress”
At which point the
lady
Lifted up her dress
And started to remove
All her underwear
At first all he could
do
Was stand and stare
But then caused the
doctor
To loudly shout
“No don’t take them
off
SENIOR PHARMACY
When I go to the chemist
The cost is beyond
belief
And everything in my
basket
Says it’s for fast
relief
SUPERSEX
“Supersex” the old lady said
To the seniors group
And in reply they
chorused
"We'll take the
soup"
IF I’VE LEARNED ANYTHING IN MY LIFE
If I’ve learned anything in my life
It is that you should
take a chance
And nobody cares if
you can't dance well
Just get on the floor
and dance
THE UPSIDE OF BEING CLINICALLY OBESE
The upside of being clinically obese
To the point of being
handicapped
Is that it makes it
significantly more
Difficult to be
forcibly kidnapped
Thursday 25 August 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 211
There was a jolly miller once
Lived on the river Dee;
He worked and sang from morn till night,
And that was really
annoying to me
ARE YOU WEARING SPECTACLES?
Are you wearing spectacles?
To make you look
sophisticated
Well, I think your
expectations
Have unfortunately
been bated
You just look a little
bookish
Sorry if that leaves
you deflated
JUST A TANTALISING HINT OF THE EXOTIC
Just a tantalising hint of the exotic
Beneath the hem of
your skirt
I’m interested in
whatever it is
It’s quite driving me
berserk
Can you give me the
slightest hint?
Or be upfront I really
don’t mind
I won’t be embarrassed
at all
I love underwear of
any kind
The garment into which
you slipped
If it’s an under slip,
something of that kind
If you were to slip
yourself out of it
If you felt so inclined,
I wouldn’t mind
PINEAPPLE DUFFER
When my Dad was just a boy
Pineapple slices came
in a tin
And had he put it on
his dinner
Bedlam would have
taken him
TAKEAWAYS
When my Dad was just a boy
They didn’t have
takeaways
Except in maths which
were
PIZZA FAME
When my Dad was just a boy
He had never heard of
pizza
But he thought it was
famed
For having a leaning
tower
SALT AND SHAKE
When I was a kid all crisps were plain
But we didn’t care
about that a jot
After all we still had
the choice
WE USED TO EAT A LOT OF RICE
We used to eat a lot of rice
When I was a boy, no
kidding
But never for our
dinner, we had it
HORSEY CLAIRE BALDING
Horsey Claire Balding
Is always with a nag
I think she looks like
Stephen Fry in drag
MARRIAGE HAS BEEN A VERY BUMPY RIDE
Marriage has been a very bumpy ride
Since we joined in
Holy Deadlock
And the little lady’s
never happier
Than when she has me
in a headlock
Wednesday 24 August 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 210
There was a fat man of Bombay,
Who was smoking one sunshiny day,
When a government
lackey
Confiscated all his
backy
And fined the fat man
of Bombay
ARE YOU WEARING A HALO?
Are you wearing a halo?
Well angel you look
very sweet
But looks can be
deceptive
Not every angel that I
meet
Is as sweet as they
look
And their morals take
a back seat
So, are you as sweet
as you look?
If not, then I’m in for a treat
SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DAY WEEK
On Monday Snow White feels Sneezy
On Tuesday she’s
feeling grumpy
By Wednesday she feels
Dopey
And On Thursday she’s
feeling Bashful
On Friday Snow White
feels Happy
And On Saturday she
feels Sleepy
But on Sunday when she
wants a rest
Then Doc gets inside
her vest
THEY’D NEVER HEARD OF YOGURT
They’d never heard of yogurt
When my Mum was young
And putting it on your
privates
Would’ve got you hung
CURRYING FAVOUR
When my grandfather was a boy
No Curry houses
existed near or far
In order to go out for
an Indian
MY GRANDFATHER TAKES FIVE SUGARS
My Grandfather takes five sugars
In his tea and yet he
is very old
He remembers when
sugar was good
WHAT KIND OF FOOD IS MUESLI?
What kind of food is Muesli?
It’s really rather
absurd
On the farm it’s not
dissimilar
To what we feed the
herd
THERE WERE MANY THINGS IN THE FIFTIES
There were many things in the fifties
Because of rationing God
knows
That didn’t make the
dinner table
But the one constant
were no elbows
OILY FOOD
When my dad was a boy, there was
No cooking oil or
anything like that
Oil was for lubricating
the garden gate
And you cooked
everything in fat
WATER BOY
When my Granddad was a boy
Water came out of the
tap
It was the wonder of
the age
Fresh water from your
tap
If a man had even
suggested
They bottle it and
sell it
For more than the
price of beer
He’d have been repeatedly hit
Tuesday 23 August 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 208
The man in the moon came tumbling down
And asked his way to
Norwich;
You should have gone
to Specsavers
Said a cheeky man from
Ipswich
ARE YOU WEARING A KILT?
Are you wearing a kilt?
Won’t your extremities
wilt?
Well, you’re a very
hardy guy
And a braver man than
I
You are pant less are
you not?
Oh, so you’re not a
proper Scot
So, you’re not very
hardy guy
Nor a braver man than
I
Well, if from
tradition you avert
You’re just a man in a skirt
YOU HAVE A REALLY DELICIOUS FIGURE
You have a really delicious figure
Oh, I so love it when
you wiggle
As you parade with vim
and vigour
And you make your goodies
jiggle
IF YOU’RE CONSIDERING A TATT
If you’re considering a Tatt
I suggest you think
about that
Realise what it is
you’re looking at
And let me tip you the
wink
Just pause if you’re
on the brink
And think before you
ink
VINCENT VAN GOGH’S SUNFLOWERS
Vincent Van Gogh’s Sunflowers
Brought me to tears
If I had painted them,
I would
Have cut off both ears
SHE PHONED FROM THE SPERM BANK
She phoned from the sperm bank
For donations and to
be truthful
I hung up, but she
phoned again
And then I gave her a
mouthful
THE DOOR OPENED AND I SAID
The door opened and I said “Ah madam
Can I show you this carpet sweeper”
“No” she replied “and don’t call me madam
You make me sound like
a brothel keeper”
INOCULATIONS ARE A DRAG
Inoculations are a drag
Just remember it’s the
jabs
That might well
prevent
Many ending up on
slabs
I WORK IN AN OFFICE THAT’S SO QUIET
I work in an office that’s so quiet
I suggested without
misgiving
That we should all
join hands
In order to contact
the living
Monday 22 August 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 209
The man in the wilderness asked me
“How many strawberries grew in the sea”
I answered him, as I thought fit,
Leave me alone you
annoying little shit
ARE YOU WEARING GLASSES?
Are you wearing glasses?
Because you tire of
the passes
But they will ignore
the glasses
Worn by girls with
nice arses
I LIKED THE OLD BOND MOVIES
With reliable heroes
And camp villains
But I watched on
recently
And I found it quite
exhausting
Foot chases, car
chases,
Running here, driving
there
It left me quite out
of breath
It didn’t leave room
for a story
The old Bond films had
a story
Punctuated with action
Now they had action
Punctuated by more
action
Bond was one of a kind
But now I’m not sure
If I’m watching James
Bond
Or Jason Bourne
DEAR MR CADBURY
Dear Mr Cadbury I would like to say in my view
That to find Someone,
Is something of a coup
Who enjoys a chocolate
finger as much as I do
HEIGH-HO, HEIGH-HO
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's off to work we go
Well, we don’t exactly
work at night
We just Pimp out Snow
White
DREDGING IS NO SILVER BULLET
Dredging is no silver bullet
Is the word coming
from their ranks
But at least it would
be something
To prevent rivers
bursting their banks
While the environment
agency
Just blindly keep on firing blanks
SLAVERY WAS BORN OF EMPIRE
Slavery was born of Empire
But not a European one
Slavery existed for
centuries
In fact, thousands of
years
Way before Europe rose
to the fore
Even the Romans came
late to the party
Following in Greece’s
footsteps
Peoples were enslaved
From around the globe
Where there were trade
routes
There was slaving
Arabs traded slaves
bought
From African tribesmen
Muslims enslaved slavs
Turks enslaved
Ukrainians
Mongols reached into
the heart of Europe
And took slaves by the
thousand
White Europeans became
involved
Black enslaved black
White has enslaved
white
I don’t know if it
will ever end
I certainly hope so
But what I do know is
That the British
didn’t invent it
THE SCULPTOR CREATES
The sculptor creates
With skilful hands
The beauteous article
An artistic gift
Its concept borrowed
From his dreams
And his subconscious
mind
To infuse in his
design
And create a work of
art
IN HIS TOWN WHEN DAD WAS A BOY
In his town when Dad was a boy
They had a Chinese
Chippie
He was a Carpenter
from Shanghai
And he was Called Mr
Lee
WHEN WIMPY PREVAILED
When I was just a young man
Wimpy houses were
prevailing
And a Big Mac was
something
We wore when it was raining
Sunday 21 August 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 207
The King of France went up the hill
With twenty thousand men;
The King of France came down the hill,
As it was coffee time
again
ARE YOU WEARING PIERCING’S?
Are you wearing piercings?
Thru ears and nose and
gob
Oh, and is that a
nipple ring?
I don’t think you’ll
get the job
No please keep your
trousers on
I’m sure there’s one
thru your knob
RED FACED
You never look as lovely, you know?
As you lay beside me
in the afterglow
And the reason for
that I must confess
Is that I love you red
faced and breathless
IF YOU WANT TO AVOID
If you want to avoid
Disaster on a plate
Even though
They are first rate
Avoid eating Lobsters
On a first date
I COULDN’T GET THE OLD BANGER
I couldn’t get the old banger
Started this morning
I tried to get her to
turn over
As the day was dawning
But to no avail, she
just
Lay there yawning
ON A FIRST DATE DO NOT CHOOSE
On a first date do not choose
A restaurant to meet
her
Because it’s not
conducive
With your being a
messy eater
THAT DRESS IS QUITE REVEALING
That dress is quite revealing
Your breasts it’s
barely concealing
I think perhaps your
teasing
Offering them up for
squeezing
Your bust does look
rather ample
Go on let me have
another sample
ALWAYS READ STUFF THAT
Always read stuff that
Will make you look
good
If you are struck with
death
AN EARLY SIGN OF SUMMER
An early sign of Summer
But make no mistake
One swallow does not
A stag night make
DO YOU LIKE PICNICS?
Do you like picnics?
There’s one on Sunday
If you say yes
It could be a funday
But let me say
Before we begin
Bring a blanket and be
Prepared to sin
Saturday 20 August 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 206
The fair maid who, the first of May
Goes to the fields at
break of day,
And picks strawberries
ripe and juicy
Isn’t a native of this
country
ARE YOU WEARING A SASH?
Are you wearing a sash?
I think you’ll make a
splash
And normally you’d be
a smash
But isn’t that just a
bit rash
I mean for this kind
of a bash
For you only to wear a
sash
RED FLANNEL NIGHTY
In your Red flannel nighty
But if I might say
politely
You certainly don’t
look flighty
But in regard to your flannel
nighty
I don’t take my
objective lightly
Which is to get inside
it nightly
YOU ARE WELL ENDOWED
You are well endowed
Is it all you?
Or is it padded up
there
I won’t care
If you let me in up
there
And what about below
stairs
Just let me get in
under there
Into your under wear
And I will find your
derriere
Among your treasures
And some mutual
pleasures
MY WIFE IS VERY HOUSE PROUD
My wife is very house proud
A domestic goddess n'est-ce
elle pas
She makes a Dyson look
obsolete
And her food wins a
Michelin star
She washes and irons
like a Trojan
And keeps the garden
tidy and neat
But all this counts
for nothing
As I love her because she’s
so sweet
THEIR BODIES LAY ENTWINED
Their bodies lay entwined
As they had so many
times before
It was in this final
lingering embrace
That she slowly
slipped away
LIVE A VERY GOOD LIFE
Live a very good life
Live it honourably and
true
And live it to the
full
Then I will promise
you
That when you look
back
As your days begin to
wane
And you look back,
you’ll
Get to enjoy it all
over again
SHE HAS GONE NOW
She has gone now
And has left a hole
Where my heart
Once resided
But her spirit
Is always with me
And hangs in the air
Like a breath of spring
NAZISM WAS LIKE A CANCER
Nazism was like a cancer
Spread across the
continent
And when Hitler was
defeated
It was not a cure, for
the cancer
But merely in
remission
ORIGINAL FAIRY TALES
Original Fairy Tales
Were not devised
To scare children
And inform them
That monsters existed
Children already knew
There were monsters
What Fairy Tales did
Was to teach children
That monsters
Could be beaten
Friday 19 August 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 205
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a Pub,
And how do you think
they got there?
The butcher, the
baker,
The candlestick-maker,
They can’t remember to
tell the truth
And to be honest they
don’t really care
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK GLOVES?
Are you wearing black gloves?
Oh, it’s one of your
naked escapades
Just gloves and
matching shoes
Well, you look like
the five of spades
RED MINI
My dad bought a new red Mini
He had it parked up at
home
With a go faster
stripe down the side
And brightly polished
chrome
It had leather seats
And the dash was
polished wood
It was nineteen sixty-two
And it looked like a
Mini should
MY SATNAV IS A VERY HELPFUL DEVICE
My Satnav is a very helpful device
But you don’t need to take
its advice
Sometimes you have to
give it a rest
Because it doesn’t
always know best
HIS HEAD WAS SO FULL OF FILTH
His head was so full of filth
And dirty thoughts
Which all centred
around
Getting into her
shorts
And when the act was
culminated,
By all reports
It was clear he wasn’t
the only one
With dirty thoughts
YOU ARE WELL ENDOWED
You are well endowed
Is it all you?
Or is it padded up
there
I won’t care
If you let me in up
there
And what about below
stairs
Just let me get in
under there
Into your under wear
And I will find your
derriere
Among your treasures
And some mutual
pleasures
LIKE A HUMID AFTERNOON
Like a humid afternoon
She was left
breathless
Passions bloom
Lingering on her cheek
Contentment’s smile
Playing about her lips
THE CURVACEOUS SHAPE
The curvaceous shape,
What I delight
To the letches eye
Falling beneath the
leer
Of sexual appraisal
Would you dress?
To be so pleasing
To the onlookers
When amidst those
Onlooker’s gazes
Spied the pervert’s
eye
And you knew
The letches feasted
On the sexual sight
In their perping rite
BEFORE THE MOMENT PASSES
Before the moment passes
I would just like to
say
Don’t you ever forget
Not even for a day
How very special you
are
In each and everyway
EVERY TOM
When you hear
The chorus, from where
The alley cat’s tarry
Just remember
That every tom
Has a dick, Harry
Thursday 18 August 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 204
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Thanks for the grub,
Without the Lord no
one would care
The father the son
And the spiritual one
The guardian angels of
heavens host
They all make sure the
tables not bare
ARE YOU WEARING A FEATHER BOA?
Are you wearing a feather boa?
It makes you look like
a goer
And I think that is a
no noa
You don’t need any
help so soa
You can lose the
feather boa
RED FEATHERS
She Wears Red Feathers
And a Huly-Huly Skirt
Or so the old song
goes
To me she sounds like
a flirt
Let’s see how alluring
she is
In Primark joggers and
T-shirt
I BOUGHT MYSELF A SATNAV
I bought myself a Satnav
I got in the car,
turned it on
And I put it on my
dash
And it told me where I
was
Like I didn’t know already
What a waste of bloody
cash
WHEN YOU MARRY
When you marry
Choose a partner
You love to talk to
Because when
Attraction fades
And lover becomes
friend
Because conversation
Maybe all that’s left
HE WASN’T A SOPHISTICATE
He wasn’t a sophisticate
Which for some can be
a plus
But he always thought
That a coach was a
posh bus
CUSTOMER SATISFACTION
I was so unhappy
With the service
At my local café
I wrote an insult
On the table
In tomato ketchup
Before leaving
Which is what I call
Complaining with
Relish
THE DRUG MULE SURPRISE
The drug mule
Smuggled cocaine
In little plastic eggs
More accustomed
To holding a toy
And that’s what I call
A Kindle Surprise
HIS HEAD WAS SO FULL OF FILTH
His head was so full of filth
And dirty thoughts
Which all cantered
around
Getting into her
shorts
And when the act was
culminated,
By all reports
It was clear he wasn’t
the only one
With dirty thoughts
HER RED HAIR FALLS
As she quietly sleeps
Her red hair falls
In a crimson cascade
Across the fresh
Milk white skin
Of her naked flesh
And as I take in
The breath-taking
vista
I sigh to myself, in
Contented admiration
Wednesday 17 August 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 203
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Margarine in a tub,
Without any butter the
table is bare
The crumpets, the
muffins,
Bread from the loaf
tins
They all need to be buttered
thick
For the most
satisfyingly simple fare
ARE YOU WEARING A WAISTCOAT?
Are you wearing a waistcoat?
Well, it certainly
gets my vote
Though some might
disapprove
And it falls on me to
behove
To say without being
uncaring
It’s the only thing you’re
wearing
RED LEATHER
She wore red leather
From head to toe
Which subtly squeaked
As she went to and fro
It hugged her figure
And she smelt divine
That new car smell
Is a favourite of mine
That leather clad lass
In the red leather
suit
Without doing anything
Could toot my flute
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 7
I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really
concentrate
I was asked what
“benign” meant
MY SATNAV HAS AUDIBLE ALARMS
My Satnav has audible alarms
They make each journey
fraught
So, I think I’ll
trade it in
And buy the silent
sort
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD
Happy birthday dad
See, we did remember
Because you are so
dear
Just like every year
We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year
So we wish you
A happy birthday
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year
Harold Curtis 19/6/1922
– 8/5/1978
LEADERS OF THE GREAT NATIONS
Leaders of the great nations
Who want respect from
society
Should moderate their
behaviours
And steer clear of
notoriety
IF YOU SEE A MAN RUNNING FROM A LION
If you see a man running from a Lion
Run like hell, run as
fast as you can
But you don’t need to
out run the Lion
You just need to run
faster than the man
IF YOU SEE A BOMB DISPOSAL MAN
If you see a bomb disposal man
Running away from the
bomb
You should at least
keep up with him
Or out run him with
aplomb
TINY THING
Tiny thing
A new baby
Totally dependent
A new life
That new Parents
Have to keep alive
Like a Tamagotchi
But without a reset
Tuesday 16 August 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 202
Mary, Mary quite contrary
This is what I want to
know
With an Adams apple
And the razors dapple
Are you really a girl,
yes, or no?
ARE YOU WEARING PIG TAILS?
Are you wearing pig tails?
Well, that look never
fails
To make you look, as a
rule,
Like you’re still at
school
RED BLOODED
I like to think
I’m a red-blooded man
I love the female form
I’m definitely a fan
But I’m old fashioned
Red blooded man or no
But there’s just a bit
Too much on show
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 6
I was once a medical student
But it was harder than
I thought
I was asked about
terminal illness
MY SATNAV IS WORSE THAN MY WIFE
My satnav is worse than my wife
Telling me how to
drive
If the limit is thirty miles
an hour
It nags me, I’m doing
thirty five
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