21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 155

 

Pat a cake, Pat a cake, Bakers man

Bake me a cake as fast as you can; 

Full of E numbers and artificial flavouring

Then microwave it until the oven pings

ARE YOU WEARING BAGGY TROUSERS?

 

Are you wearing baggy trousers?

For any particular reason

They aren’t the height of fashion

They’re not even last season

You think they look “cool”

Whereas they look simply shoddy

I don’t know why you wear them

Unless you have a baggy body

PUBLIC INFORMATION MESSAGE

 

This is a public information message

The information is for everyone

Kindly heed this important warning 

If you wish to heat or cook a bun

 

Using the microwave and the toaster

Simultaneously must not be done

It could throw the earth out of orbit

And send us crashing into the sun

SELF-MEDICATING

 

There is a pill, that I take a lot

I take it when I don’t feel so hot

I knew the name but then I forgot

And the nameless pill I take a lot

Tells me I'm happy when I'm not 

THE ANNUAL AFFLICTION

 

They make my eyes itch

They make me sneeze

They make me cough

They make me wheeze

They make me choke

They make me seize

Give me a cure

Oh won’t you please

Free me from

These allergies

LAZARUS PILL # 1

 

There is a pill that I have to take

For recreation the doctor said

It’s a very special little blue pill

And I use it to raise up the dead

MY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE

 

As I stood on my drive

I saw cracking little lass

Bend over on the footpath

Showing me her ass

 

My high blood pressure

Went up even more

Then my pacemaker

Opened the garage door

FEEL YOUR AGE

 

You know I still feel

"Young at heart"

But considerably older

In every other part

JUST A DASH

 

Pour me a Scotch Whisky

With only two drops of water

Please can you do that for me?

My dearest daughter

For at my age I can hold my liquor

But I can’t hold my water

ADOPT A WILD CAT

 

They want me to adopt a wild cat

Which is quite absurd

Where on earth am I going to keep

A fully-grown Leopard?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 154

 

I love sixpence, jolly, jolly, sixpence,

I love sixpence as my life.

Well I don’t actually because it’s only worth 2 ½ p

And what can you buy with that?

ARE YOU WEARING MAKE UP?

 

Are you wearing make up?

You don’t usually wear a scrap

Well, you look prettier than ever

Are you going to meet a chap?

You’re not meeting a beau?

What, no one has set their cap?

But there is someone you like

Someone you’d like to entrap

Well, whoever he might be

He is definitely a lucky chap

Too be caught by one as lovely as you

In sweet loves tender trap

My you have a glint in your eye

Why are you climbing on my lap?

What are you doing to my ear?

Should we just slow down perhaps

It’s hard to concentrate when you do that

So please let me just recap

Am I right in assuming by your behaviour?

That I’m the lucky chap

WEST OF KINTYRE # 3

 

On the Mull of Kintyre

I stood atop the steep cliffs

On a day so crisp and clear

And looked out towards the west

Where it was possible to make out

Malin Head in Donegal

WHEN I LIVED IN MELBOURNE

 

When I lived in Melbourne

I often used to wonder

Why the Local Area Network

Wasn’t called The LAN down under

COULD I TRY ON THAT PRETTY DRESS

 

"Could I try on that pretty dress

In the window?" she asked him

He replied "well I would prefer

That you used a cubicle madam"

OPULENCE

 

He was opulence itself

With his lavish display

Of wealth and affluence

By means quite ample,

His riches clearly abundant

To put it another way

And to use the vernacular

He was totally Minted

ATTITUDE LATTITUDE

 

Such was her attitude

She felt gratitude

For her beatitude

At ending her solitude

ODIUM

 

It’s in a state of disgrace

Resulting from detestable behaviour

Where hatred and contempt reign

And despicable acts are the norm

Simple pure unadulterated odium

Hatred and condemnation

Loathing and contempt

Disrepute or infamy

Hate coupled with disgust

Pure unadulterated odium

That’s why I avoid the forum

ODEON

 

When I was a kid

My sister worked

At the Odeon Wood Green

And got me in for nothing

I loved the pictures

And I went everyday

It was a special place to me

Of course, it was a far cry

From its Roman namesake

With its grand architecture

And hi-brow classical

Musical performances

But it was a magical place

Where I lost myself

In the flickering shadows

Of movieland

And escaped reality

SHE WAS SILVER HAIRED

 

She was silver haired

And her face was lined

But she was content

And felt blessed

To have lived long enough

To have grey hair,

And to have had

Such a happy life

That the laughter of her youth

Was etched into her face

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 153

 

Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet,

Eating her curds and whey.

Along came a spider,

And sat down beside her,

And said, "is that stuff pro-biotic?

ARE YOU WEARING A FROWN?

 

Are you wearing a frown?

Is something getting you down?

It’s something I’ve done?

A broken rule? What another one?

Oh now what is that look about?

I’ve done it now, no doubt

Now your arms are folded

I’m about to get scolded

No I don’t have a clue

What I’ve done to upset you

If you don’t tell me I’ll never guess

The reason for your distress

So spit it out nice and plain

To avoid having to say it again

Ok so the reason for the frown

Is I didn’t put the loo seat down

WEST OF KINTYRE # 2

 

On the Mull of Kintyre

I stood atop the steep cliffs

On a day so crisp and clear

And looked out towards the west

Where it was possible to see

Rathlin Island clear as day

And Ballycastle just beyond

21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

 

21st Century Nursery Rhymes

I really find are such a doddle

Though most people think

That they are a load of twaddle

But as I rapidly approach

The autumn of my days

It’s frankly just too late

For me to change my ways

DIVIDING OPINION

 

Because of the obvious risk

That one of us might fall

I had a stair lift fitted

Which I don’t mind at all

But my wife says that its

Driving her up the wall

RISE AND SHINE

 

In the morning

My dad used to

Throwback the curtains

And loudly say

“Wakey, wakey

Rise and shine”

Well as a teenager

“Rise” I could manage

But “shine”

Was never going to happen

THE ENDLESS PAVEMENT

 

The endless pavement

Eats away the leather

Wears away my soles

And with each step

My spirits erode

Until I am threadbare

And broken

With worn out soles

On the perpetual pavement

LIFE ETCHED IN MY FACE

 

Life etched in my face

Each line speaking for me,

Of an action or an event

But the presence of each

Is a part of the whole

That is the complete me

YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU

 

“You can’t take it with you”

That’s what they say

But at the end of the day

A will is a dead giveaway

A BICYCLE COULDN'T STAND UP

 

A bicycle couldn't stand up

Alone it transpired

Because after a cycle

It was obviously two tired

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 152

 

Little Bo-peep has lost her sheep

And doesn’t know where to find them

Silly cow

ARE YOU WEARING LIPSTICK?

 

Are you wearing lipstick?

Well to avoid looking like a dipstick

You might want to adjust it a bit

Maybe you could tone it down

Before you go off to town

You don’t want to look like a clown

I HAD A VIVID DREAM

 

I had a vivid dream

And you were there

Lovely as the day we met.

I smelt your perfume

It was heavenly

A fragrance so evocative

I was intoxicated

It was blessed Euphoria.

I felt your caress

Tender like the first time

It was so real

My flesh tingled

The hairs on my neck stood up.

I kissed your lips

Like I did so many times

And my heart missed a beat

Just as it always did.

I would have stayed with you

Forever in your embrace

I wanted to stay

But I was dragged away

To awake in the real world

Where you no longer reside

And I was once again alone

But for a short time

I had you back

Even if it was just a dream

But what a special dream

A priceless dream

A dream, that if I could

I would dream again and again

WHEN I FIRST MET HER

 

When I first met her

I was attracted by her looks

My first thought was not

I wonder if she cooks

But her literary inadequacy’s

One certainly brooks

She was only ever interested

In my cheque books

MY HUSBAND’S BEHAVIOUR

 

My husband’s behaviour

Is truly appalling

However, it’s my fault really

Which is quite galling

 

If I hadn’t fed him cat food

Just for the laughs

He wouldn’t sit on the carpet

Licking his own arse

SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME

 

Since the beginning of time, the one thing

A woman really wants from her man

Is his commitment, it’s not a lot to expect

So have him committed as soon as you can

IF YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR

If you’ve been looking for

A committed man for ions,

You should have started

In the mental institution

LOOKING AFTER THE PENNIES

 

When I was a boy

I saved my pennies

For a rainy day

I saved every cent,

My pocket money

Every Friday

The Money back

On the empties

A paper round

In the morning

And delivering

The Weekly Sport

On a Saturday evening

Cleaning Grandmas windows

And Odd jobs

For the neighbours

Then on Saturday morning

I’d take it all,

The Ten bob notes

And tanners,

Halfpennies

And threepenny bits

And pay it all in

To my Post Office savings

BRITISH GAS FIVE STAR

 

I can remember a time

In the dim and distant past

When you could boast

To your friends and neighbours

That you were the proud user

Of the British Gas five star,

All singing all dancing,

Central heating and boiler cover

Which was akin to saying

You had a Rolls Royce

Parked in your garage

Such was its superior quality

Of course that was a world away

In in different century

Now having British Gas homecare

Is the equivalent to owning,

A 1983 Skoda

WEST OF KINTYRE # 1

 

On the Mull of Kintyre

I stood atop the steep cliffs

Looking out across the sea

To the distant misty shores

Of Antrim far away

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 151

 

Cry Baby Bunting

Daddy's gone a-hunting

Well that’s not really true

He’s gone to Tesco’s with my sister Su

ARE YOU WEARING A SCOWL?

 

Are you wearing a scowl?

Or is it your irritable bowel

No, it’s an irritable scowl

Because I left my wet towel

WHEN I TOLD MUM

 

When I told mum

I had opened a theatre

I got a rather strange

Reaction from her

“Are you having me on?”

She said to me

I said “you'll have to audition

And then we’ll see”

MERSEYSIDE POLICE SEALED THE CITY CENTRE

 

Merseyside Police sealed the City Centre

As they didn’t want to take a risk

As a suspicious object was seen in a car

It turned out later to be a tax disk

DANCING TO HIP HOP

 

I like breakin’ and poppin’

And dancing to Hip hop

At Sixty I should be stoppin’

As I’m down for a Hip op

SHE WAS A TAXI DANCER

 

She was a Taxi dancer

10 cents a dance

He was a patron

And they were dance partners

Each night he would be there

A pocket full of tickets

Each night he looked for her

And they danced all night

He lived for the dances

All day he watched the clock

All night he danced with her

He thought she was special

He hoped he was too

But she was a Taxi dancer

10 cents a dance

She liked to dance

But she liked her commission more

He was just a pocketful of tickets

Nothing more than a cash cow

Who lost his heart

To a dime-a-dance girl

GENETIC MARKERS

Scientists say they have discovered

Genetic markers that indicate athleticism

I think if they take a close look at mine

I will have markers for Couch potatoism 

PORTMANTEAU

 

I was looking for a word

That summed up slogan or motto

But something more pithy

In the end I settled on Slotto

GRACILE

Moving Gracefully

Like a snow white swan

On a glassy lake.

You came into my life

 

Like an angel

Descending from heaven

On pure white wings

You changed me forever

 

But your gracile elegance

Mesmerized me

And blinkered me

To your true nature

 

Because hidden from me

Beneath the surface

And belying the grace

You were no angel 

SHE SPOKE SWEETLY

 

She spoke sweetly

With a songbirds melody

But within the beauty

One word could slay me

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 150

 

As I was going up Pippen Hill,

Pippen Hill was dirty.

There I met a pretty miss

And she was very flirty

 

As I was going down Pippen Hill,

I left the girl so flirty

Pippen Hill was quite clean

But the girl was very dirty

ARE YOU WEARING FALSIES?

 

Are you wearing falsies?

How disappointing is that

I thought you were well proportioned

But your chest is really flat

I thought you were a catch

But I was wrong about that

I thought I was getting mackerel

But I ended up with sprat

SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE # 2

As a proud Briton

I will be disappointed

In a strange way

 

Not if Scotland leaves

But more so

That Wales will stay

I HAVE AN ANGEL ON MY DASHBOARD

 

I have an Angel on my dashboard

She’s my special lucky charm

I have an angel on my dashboard

Who’s keeping me from harm

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM

 

A funny thing happened

On the way to the forum

That place devoid

Of propriety or decorum

 

I thought, should I engage?

Or keep well clear

Of the pit of vipers

And the poisonous atmosphere

 

A funny thing happened

On the way to the forum

I had a premonition

Of what was to come

 

So I decided the means

Didn’t justify the ends

So I went to the pub

To meet up with friends

VICTIMS OF THE SPITE

 

From the playground

To the workplace

From the street

To cyber space

 

Anyone who is different

Standing out in a crowd

Is targeted, because

Difference isn’t allowed

 

Its tribal I suppose

Or an animal instinct maybe

The bullies do

Hunt in packs certainly

 

The perpetrators

As far as I can see

Are basically driven

By their own Insecurities

 

Victims of the spite

Have suffered across time

For being themselves

That’s their only crime

LIFE IS TOO SHORT

Life is too short to wake up

In the morning with regret,

So, I think not waking up until

After lunch is the safest bet

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE

The only difference between

A guard dog and mummy

Is that the guard dog will

Let go of you eventually 

KEYBOARDS

 

In the 1970’s I was big into

Keyboards and synthesizers

I like Wakeman, and Emerson

In fact I was a moog sympathizer

HAVE YOU EVER HAD?

 

Have you ever had?

The kind of day

That almost drove you insane

 

When you wish

You’d done it differently

But your wishing is in vain

 

If only we could press

“Ctrl Alt Delete”

And start the day again

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 149

 

Baby dear, good night, good night,

Doggie lies in slumbers deep;

Hush-a-bye, my treasure bright,

Pussy, too, is fast asleep.

So, the question I must make

Is why are you still wide awake?

ARE YOU WEARING MUSK?

 

Are you wearing musk?

Well, someone is me thinks

And I know that it’s not me

But God it really stinks

GERIATRIC DOCTOR

The Doctor on the geriatric ward

Placed his stethoscope

On the chest of an elderly patient

By the name of Mrs Hope

 

She was quite a bit deaf

So, he said “big breaths,” loudly

“Well Doctor they used to be,”

Mrs Hope replied proudly

MY WIFE AND I ARE INSEPARABLE

 

My wife and I are inseparable

Do you want to know why?

Because if either of us went away

We would have to kiss goodbye

MY DEAR WIFE SAID TO ME

 

My dear wife said to me

“I hate you when you’re drunk Stephen”

I replied, “Well I hate you

When I’m sober so that makes us even”

GIFTED AMATEURS

 

If someone says they’re an Amateur

There’s really no need to panic

Because Amateurs built the Ark

While Professionals built the Titanic

AT DR DOOLITTLE’S ANIMAL CLINIC

 

At Dr Doolittle’s animal clinic

The Animals do the lot

The chief vet is a Labrador

Assisted by a dog called spot

 

But it’s not a cheap option

With extra charges of all sorts

For PET scans and Polly grams

Cat scans and Lab reports

THE WILDLIFE DOWN UNDER

 

The wildlife down under

Includes the Wallabies

But if truth be known they’re

Just Kangaroo Wannabies

IN THE EUROPEAN FORESTS

 

In the European forests

The wild boar can be vicious

But it’s worth the risk

As they’re bloody delicious

SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE # 1

 

As a proud Briton

I will be disappointed

If Scotland, choose to go

 

As an Englishman

I’ll be disappointed

If they vote no

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 148

 

Elsie Marley's grown so fine,
She won't get up to feed the swine,
But lies in bed 'till eight or nine!
Doing the farm hands two at a time

ARE YOU WEARING BEIGE?

 

Are you wearing beige?

For one reason or another

But please don’t be telling me

That it’s your favourite colour

MY GIRL IS TEACHING ME A LANGUAGE

 

My girl is teaching me a language

Natalia is from Russia you see

But it is not going very well at all

She tried with simple things for me

Asking the Russian word for napkin

Soviette is not the answer apparently

SITTING ON THE BACK ROW

 

Sitting on the back row

When the cinema’s dark inside

With your left handed girl

Try to keep on her right side

MOBILE COMMUNICATION 2013

 

“I want to buy a mobile phone,

No I don’t want a camera,

Not even video,

No I don’t want movie down loads

Screensaver’s, internet access,

Or downloads of any kind

I don’t want WAP or WiFi

G3, G4 or G5

I don’t need 100 ringtones

10000 free minutes

Or unlimited texts at weekends

I don’t need a I GB data allowance

I don’t want to play games

I don’t need an MP3 player

I don’t want a tracker,

I neither want nor need

Blue tooth

Sharks tooth

Hounds tooth

Or dog tooth.

I do not require the world at my fingertips.

In short, what I want is a device

To make and receive phone calls

And to send and receive texts

I just want to buy a BLOODY PHONE”

“Thank you that one will be perfect

Does it have a torch?”

FOOD SCARE

 

I have just found out

That in the meals I buy

That there is sea horse

In my fisherman’s pie

MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

 

My philosophy of life

Is a simple one

I recommend you try it,

You’ll be glad

 

Love the people

Who treat you right

Pray for the ones

Who treat you bad

FOOD SCANDAL

 

The best thing to result

From the food scandal by far

Is that they can now call off

The search for Shergar

YOU MAKE MY LIFE WHOLE

 

You make my life whole     

You fill it with your zest

With your loving presence

Dear lord I am truly blessed 

YOU MAY NOT ALWAYS ANSWER

 

You may not always answer

When I offer up my prayer

But the most important thing is

I always know you’re there

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 147

 

See a pin, pick it up,

And all day long you'll have good luck.

See a pin let it lay,

And you won’t be lumbered with a pin all day

ARE YOU WEARING A BAGGY SWEATER?

 

Are you wearing a baggy sweater?

For a particular reason maybe

You haven’t suddenly become a frump

So, you must be having a baby

I ORDERED THE TARKA DAL

I ordered the Tarka Dal

It was like lentil soup only hotter

I was a bit disappointed

As I was expecting curried otter

KEY PLAN

 

I am always losing my keys

So, I have devised a plan

My husband is horrified

As the car might be stolen

 

But to my way of thinking

It’s the perfect solution

After all what could be simpler

Than leaving them in the ignition

GETTING INTO FLORA

 

"I want to buy flowers for my girlfriend"

John said to the Florist

"Of course Sir, what is it you're after?"

The florist asks to assist

After a moment John replied

"Well, a shag would be top of my list"

SPICE GIRL

 

It was the plan of my wife

To spice up our love life

This involved her dressing up

To encourage me to tup

Now I have to say I didn’t mind

Watching her bump and grind

But as she played her sexy role

She didn’t dance around a pole

Nor gyrate upon my lap

To encourage my old chap

But even with all the gyrating

My libido was still hesitating

In fact, there wasn’t a glimmer

As she danced around her Zimmer

WIDOWERS RECOMPENSE

 

I am now a lonely widower

And all my buddies are dead

But there are compensations

That must definitely be said

 

There’s life in the old dog yet

That’s all I have to say,

As I go to the retirement home

For my fifty shades of grey

DEFROSTING THE FRIDGE

 

I spent two hours defrosting

The fridge yesterday

Although my darling wife

Prefers to call it foreplay

PATIENTS RIGHTS

 

A patient asked “nurse, why did you stop

My visitors coming to see me?”

She replied “you know perfectly well why,

You broke the rules Mr Ellery”

“But listen here I know my rights” he persisted

“I’m allowed to have three”

“You are allowed friends and family not

Prostitutes and takeaway deliveries"

CAN I BUY A GOLDFISH?

I went into a pet shop and said,

“Can I buy a goldfish?”

The girl said, “certainly sir

If that’s what you wish,

Do you want an aquarium?”

She asked putting me in a tiz

Finally, I replied “Well actually

I don't care what star sign it is”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 146

 

 

See a pin, pick it up
Then you're sure to have good luck,

See a pin, prick yourself

And end up with hepatitis

 

ARE YOU WEARING A BAGGY SWEATER?

 

Are you wearing a baggy sweater?

For a particular reason maybe

You haven’t suddenly become a frump

So, you must be having a baby

SALAD DODGERS

 

When the slot machines

Are played by those with obesity

In a life spent in the arcades

It’s the only fruit that they see

WALT DISNEY ON ICE

 

The kids wanted to see

Walt Disney on ice

They all thought

It would be really nice

 

However, it turned out

To be some old geezer,

Walt Disney apparently,

Lying dead in a freezer

OUR FAMILY PLANNING

 

There are only 13 months

Between my two little chaps

It was actually by design

As we didn’t want a big gap

So that’s why as part of the plan

My wife had a Caesarean

THE DALAI LAMA

 

In a vote for a leader of our planet

The Dalai Lama would be my bet

I would certainly risk a grand

If I were a Tibetan man

FOR MY 60TH BIRTHDAY

 

For my 60th birthday

I bought myself a sports car

It’s my pride and joy

Not that’s it’s been very far

As there is a slight problem

An oversight I have to admit

I need a hip replacement

Before I can get in it

THE BANK OF MUM AND DAD

 

When I bought my house

My parents kindly helped me

And now I really can’t

Thank them enough - apparently

ROUGED CHEEKS

Rouged cheeks

And blood red lips

Varnished nails

And tattooed flesh

Dyed sculptured hair

And black shadowed brow

Who are you?

All pierced and painted

And what have you done

With my lovely daughter? 

WHAT MY HEART YEARNS FOR MOST

 

What my heart yearns for most,

The thing that I really miss,

What keeps my passion burning

Is the thought of your sensual kiss

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 145

 

See a pin, pick it up,

And all day long you'll have good luck.

See a pin, pick it up,

And all day long you'll have a pin

ARE YOU WEARING SLIPPERS?

 

Are you wearing slippers?

Yes, I do think they suit you

I'm just questioning their suitability

For a visit to the zoo

SON OF THE SOIL

 

I found the topsoil two inches deeper

When I went to my allotment on Monday

I found the topsoil two inches deeper

When I went to the allotment on Tuesday

The next day as I approached my plot

My poor old heartbeat quickens

So, when the topsoil was two inches deeper

I could only say “The plot thickens”

I'LL TAKE THE RED ONE

Bimbette asked in a sex shop

“I want to buy a new vibrator”

The assistant said “just choose

From that display by the door

"I'll take the red one" she said

To the man behind the counter

He replied with a deep sigh

"That's a fire extinguisher"

I'VE JUST HEARD THE WINDOW CLEANER

I've just heard the window cleaner

He was really making tongues wag

Cursing, shouting, and swearing

I think he’d clearly lost his rag

TAKING THE CHERRY

 

The Cherry Ripe bar

I have so far concluded

As one of your five a day

May definitely be included

FATHER’S DAY

 

Don’t forget dad on Father’s Day

A bottle of something I think

And just remember that it is you

That drives him to drink

HARE OF THE DOG

 

I need a bit of a pick me up

After a very boozy lunch

A “hare of the dog” is the thing

After too much Rabbit Punch

A PEOPLE PERSON

 

It read, “I’m a people person”

On his bumper sticker

But it actually turned out

That he was a trafficker

THERE IS A MOTH IN THE BATHROOM

 

There is a moth in the bathroom

Drawn towards the light

My wife was in the shower

And it gave her a bit of a fright

 

I don’t understand why

If they are attracted to the light

They don’t just appear

When the sun is shining bright

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 144

 

Robin Hood, Robin Hood,

Living in the green wood

With his merry band

And their stolen contraband

 

Maid Marion comes no more

To the camp of the out laws

Since she saw the merry band

Skipping around holding hands

ARE YOU WEARING SCENT?

 

Are you wearing scent?

You don’t usually exude

Even when you’re going out

For a social interlude

If you are wearing scent

It means you’re going to get rude

A MAN IN A HOT AIR BALLOON # 2

 

A Man in a hot air balloon

Has lost his bearings

As he slowly floated by

 

He looks down below

And shouts to a man

“Hello, where am I”?

 

“Well, you tell me mate”

The man shouted back

“You have a better view than I”

ASK A STUPID QUESTION # 2

 

I walked past a homeless man

As I went into Co-op express

On my way out he said, “Any Change?”

I replied “No, you're still homeless”

LOST LUGGAGE

 

It was a dreadful flight

And it was late as well

Then I couldn't find my case

On the baggage carousel

So, I went to “lost luggage”

To report the loss of it

The woman looked the part

But I didn’t trust her a bit

She said she would apply 

Her professional hand

Then she said “now tell me

“When does your plane land?”

SWINGERS

Two couples decided to swing

And swapped partners to play

“That was the best sex ever”

Hugo said afterwards to Ray

His friend agreed and added

“I wonder if the girls are ok”

THERE’S AN ARMY SURPLUS STORE ACROSS THE STREET

 

There’s an Army surplus store across the street

That only sells camouflage gear as far as I can see

I don’t know how well the business is doing

But it seems a bit of a niche market to me

And I watched loads of people go in the shop

But coming out I could only count about three

I DO MENTAL ARITHMETIC

 

I do mental arithmetic

When I’m lying in my bed

I like to count the voices

I hear inside my head

THIS TALK OF CULLING BADGERS

 

This talk of culling badgers

Is completely unsound

If we keep discussing it

We’ll drive them underground

I'VE JUST HAD A LETTER FROM A SOLICITOR

I've just had a letter from a solicitor

To “once and for all” inform me

That contrary to what I might believe

Screwfix are not a dating agency

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 143

 

Robin Hood, Robin Hood,

Living in the green wood

With his merry band

And their stolen contraband

 

They feast and they dine

On stolen food and wine

Then the laughing starts

When Little John farts

ARE YOU WEARING BOOTS?

 

Are you wearing boots?

It’s a little warm for that Betty

No they suit you very well indeed

But they make your calves sweaty

A MAN IN A HOT AIR BALLOON # 1

 

A Man in a hot air balloon

Has lost his bearings

As he slowly floated by

 

He looks down below

And shouts to a man

“Hello, where am I”?

 

“Are you completely mad?”

The man shouted back

“You’re floating in the sky”