He was crucified, and then
As he ascended into
heaven
Jesus was heard to say
Up, up and Yahweh
Friday 11 August 2023
POTATOES ARE A STAPLE
Potatoes are a staple
On St Patrick’s Day
And mashed potatoes
Are just Irish Guacamole
GOOL PERAN LOWEN
Gool Peran Lowen
It’s St Pirans’s Day
He’s revered by
“Tinners”
Since their heyday
For sharing the
secrets
Of Mining Tin, they
say
5TH CENTURY IRELAND
In 5th century Ireland:
St. Patrick decreed
Women can propose
Marriage to a single man
On February 29th
13TH CENTURY SCOTLAND
In 13th century Scotland:
A law passed fining men
For refusing proposals
If they are an eligible man
On February 29th
LENT ABSTINENCE
This time of year is significant
For what Lent represents
But I didn’t know what to forsake
So I’ve given up abstinence
SHE WAS ALLERGIC TO FLOWERS
She was allergic to flowers
I wish she had said
Because I bought her roses
And now she’s dead
WHEN SOMEONE FALLS IN LOVE WITH YOU
When someone falls in love with you
And you with them it
is a precious gift
Making every day like
Valentine’s Day
Because the gift of
love gives you a lift
VALENTINES # 8
Since entering my
life, a symphony plays
When before was only monotone
And colour now lives in every plane and facet
Where once was only monochrome
VALENTINES # 7
Lover, you still do it
for me,
Though you are no longer a dolly chick
Your qualities are plain to see
You still scratch my itch and flick my switch
VALENTINES # 6
You fill my thoughts
before I sleep
And you’re there again when I awake
I have given my heart
without regret
I gave it to you for my hearts sake
I have found an
all-embracing love
If I lost you my heart would break
VALENTINES # 5
Lover you still do it
for me,
I’m as ever under your spell
Your qualities are plain to see
And you still ring my bell
VALENTINES # 4
Lover you still do it
for me,
To me you’re lamb and not mutton
Your qualities are plain to see
And you still push my button
VALENTINES # 3
Lover you still do it
for me,
Though you now have a fuller figure
Your qualities are plain to see
And you still pull my trigger
VALENTINES # 2
Lover you still do it
for me,
With that wiggle when you walk
Your qualities are plain to see
And you still pop my cork
Thursday 10 August 2023
VALENTINES # 1
Lover you still do it for me,
You are still my object of desire
Your qualities are plain to see
And you still light my fire
BE MY VALENTINES # 6
On Valentine’s Day
The valentine card said to the stamp
Stick with me and we'll go places!
While the farmer gave his wife
Hogs and kisses!
And the caveman gave his wife
Ughs and kisses!
And the Persian gave his wife
Rugs and kisses!
BE MY VALENTINES # 5
On Valentine’s Day
One pickle said to the other
“Your love means a great dill”
Even skunks celebrate Valentine's Day
Because they're very
scent-imental!
BE MY VALENTINES # 4
On Valentine’s Day
The near-sighted
porcupine
Fell in love with a pin cushion!
And the elephant said to his girlfriend
“I love you a ton!”
BE MY VALENTINES # 3
On Valentine’s Day
The bat said to his girlfriend
“You're fun to hang around with”
And the paper clip said to the magnet?
“I find you very attractive”
BE MY VALENTINES # 1
On Valentine’s Day
The valentine card said to the stamp
Stick with me and we'll go places!
While the farmer gave his wife
Hogs and kisses!
And the caveman gave his wife
Ughs and kisses!
BE MY VALENTINES # 2
On Valentine’s Day
The chocolate syrup said to the ice cream
“I'm sweet on you!”
While the pencil said to the paper
“I dot my i's on you!”
And the light bulb asked his girlfriend
Do I mean a whole watt to you?”
MEDICINAL REJECTION
“I can't be your valentine
For medical reasons”
said Nick
“God is it serious?”
he asked
“No you just make me
sick”
IF YOU ARE A LOVER OF PUNS
If you are a lover of puns
Then on shrove Tuesday
There is only one
conclusion
And that that its
pun-cake day
IS IT PANCAKE DAY ALREADY?
Is it Pancake Day
Already? Oh dear
It’s really crêped up
On me this year
THE ORIGINS OF FAT TUESDAY
The origins of Fat Tuesday
Are Anglican and Catholic
But in our town Fat Tuesday
Is an overweight biker chic
THERE IS A VERY DISTINCT DIFFERENCE
There is a very distinct difference
Between Mardi Gras and
Fat Tuesday
The former is an
all-night party and
You wake up with the
latter the next day
Wednesday 9 August 2023
ARE YOU WEARING ANY?
Are you wearing any?
Beneath your tartan
gear
Because if your kilt
flares up
There will be a
raucous cheer
THE HAGGIS
Haggis is made from sheep's offal
Oatmeal, suet,
seasoning and onions
Stuffed inside of a
sheep stomach
Which has to be one of
Heston’s creations
THE REASON THEY PIPE IN THE HAGGIS
The reason they pipe in the haggis
Without any fluster or
hurry
Is to warn the
discerning diner
So they can go and get
a curry
HERALDING ITS ARRIVAL
Heralding its arrival
A lone piper suitably
bedecked
Leads the procession
To the hosts table
unchecked
It’s delivered to the
supper
With such deferential
respect
Then addressed and
served
Not to eat it shows
disrespect
Well if I’ve eaten
anything fouler
Then I truly cannot
recollect
Waiting For God in Frinton
I’m in my fifties now and I started drinking when I was 15, which was in the early 1970’s.
I always looked older
than my age, though not old enough to pass for 18 when I was three years
younger but it was the 70s and landlords pretty much turned a blind eye to 15
and 16 year olds drinking as long as they didn’t look to out of place.
My first ever pint was
in a pub called the Man in the Moon and it cost me 17 pence.
And the first sip of
that foaming brew set me on the road to oblivion.
I didn’t drink everyday
but when I drank I didn’t hold back and I didn’t know when to stop.
On one occasion, a
Friday, I left work at 5.30pm and went straight to the pub, with that week’s
pay packet in hand, in those days we got paid weekly in cash, I woke up the
next morning in a bus shelter with 3 pence in my pocket, I had pissed away a
week’s wages in one night.
On A works beano one
year we went on a day trip to France the more serious drinkers among our party
drank nonstop for 26 hours and very nearly drank ourselves sober, one or two of
the group had to be carried but the hardened drinkers walked back to the ferry.
On another occasion
after a friend’s house party I woke up on the bedroom floor, having no idea how
I got there.
It was only later when
I spoke to my friends that I found out the whole story of what I had done and
that they had carried/dragged me home.
They were good
friends, who through my behavior, I gradually alienated one by one until there
was no one left to get me home.
So I woke up in
gardens, subways and gutters, I even woke up once in a skip with a kebab stuck
to my face.
In the end I was
disowned by my family and my only friends were fellow drunks.
Despite my drunken
binges I still managed to hold down a decent job so when
I was in my late
twenties I moved to Woking to take up a very well paid job which served to fund
my benders very well indeed.
On one particular
weekend in September I had been drinking since breakfast and kept it up all
day, but by midnight all the pubs were shut.
But a serious drunk
always knows where to find a drink so I took a cab to Casper’s, a members only
an all-night drinker.
It was there that I
met Angela who would become my salvation.
She was a good looking
woman, around about my age, who was also a drunk.
Although the drink
hadn’t yet diminished her looks.
The next morning I
woke up in the passenger seat of a car on the sea front in Frinton with Angela
sleeping slumped over the steering wheel.
I had absolutely no
recollection of how we got there, or how we got there.
I got out of the car
to stretch my legs and the bracing sea breeze almost knocked me off my feet.
I walked along the sea
front, trying desperately to clear my head but things were no clearer 20
minutes later when I returned to the car.
Which by some miracle
was parallel parked to perfection, and I marveled at how we had got from Woking
to Frinton and lived to tell the tale.
Then a sense of doom
came over me as I looked at the bright blue Chrysler in front of me because
although we had got to Frinton unscathed the car had not.
The front of the car carried all the hallmarks of a serious front end
collision.
I roused Angela from
her drunken slumber and got her out of the car and walked her up and down until
the sea breeze had blown the cobwebs away.
“How the hell did we
get here?” I asked
“Get where?” she
mumbled
“Frinton” I replied
“Where the hell is
Frinton?” Angela asked
I walked her further
along the seafront until we reached a café that was actually open at 6.00am on
a Sunday and several coffees later I got some sense out of her
“The last thing I
remember we were in Casper’s and you said “I haven’t been to the coast for
ages”” She said slowly “so we finished our drinks and got in my car”
“And?” I pressed
“And then you woke me
up” she said, head in hands
“Do you remember
hitting anything?” I whispered
“No, like what?”
Angela queried
“I don’t know” I
replied “but whatever it was, you hit it hard”
It was after nine when
we stood up to leave.
A small group of
fishermen were coming in as we were going out.
“All I know is old Joe
was walking the dog when he got hit” one of them said
“And he’s dead?” asked
another
“Yes, and the driver
didn’t stop” the first one replied
What little colour had
returned to Angela’s face while we were in the café instantly drained away as
the realization of what she had done dawned on her as well.
We returned to the car
but Angela was too distraught to drive, I was suddenly stone cold sober so I
got behind the wheel and chose a route that took us back to Woking via a
circuitous route.
After That September
Sunday all those years ago when some poor resident soul in Gods waiting room
lost their life at our hands I lost my taste for booze.
I still see Angela from time to time she still lives in Woking but she never
came to terms with what we had done that day and surrendered completely to the
demon in the bottle.
I see her around about town with the other winos and I believe she sleeps under
the canal bridge.
I wonder if she sleeps
any sounder than I.
DRY JANUARY
A month without alcohol
Isn’t what makes
January dry
What does, is sex
without foreplay
Or indeed the use of
KY
DURING THE THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY
During the thanksgiving holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a
stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast
THANKSGIVING DAY TURKEY
Bimbette was preparing
For Thanksgiving Day
One hour per pound
So the instructions
say
“One hundred and ten
Pound’s is what I
weigh”
Bimbette said and put
The Turkey on a baking
tray
And roasted the bird
For almost five days
ARE YOU WEARING A TURKEY SUIT?
Are you wearing a turkey suit?
I really love holiday
pranks
But you look like a
total arse
And for that I give thanks
THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE
There is a special place
In hell for people
that play
Any Christmas music
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 3
I was divorced from my wife
Due to my serial
infidelity
And found myself in
bed
With a girl called
Felicity
It was on New Year’s
Day
When she asked me
“Did you make a
resolution?
What was it? Go on
tell me”
I replied “Not to be
unfaithful
Ever again to my
chosen mate”
“How’s that going?”
she asked
“Ask me after our
second date”
NEW YEARS IS JUST AN EXCUSE
New Years is just an excuse
For girls to dress inappropriately
And that’s why New
Years
Is the best holiday
for me
MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION
My New Year’s resolution
And my reasoning is
sound
And that is to get in
shape,
In the end, I chose
round
I REMEMBER THE TIME IN MY YOUTH
I remember the time in my youth
When I was allowed to stay up late
On New Year’s Eve and I was thrilled
But now on that ominous date
As I have reached middle age
Being forced to participate is my fate
NEW YEAR’S EVE FANCY DRESS
My friend asked me
What I was going to be
For New Year’s Eve
I said “Drunk will do
me”
Tuesday 8 August 2023
RATHER THAN MAKE A POINTLESS RESOLUTIONS
Rather than make a pointless resolutions
I will make a wish for
those I hold dear
May you always have
all that you need
And want all you have,
Happy New Year!
A LITTLE GIRL’S WARNING
A little girl watched her dad dress for a party.
And then she gave her
dad a warning
“Daddy, you shouldn't wear that dinner suit”
He asked, “why not?” his curiosity dawning
“Because you know that it always gives
You a bad headache the
next morning”
IF YOU WERE BORN IN LATE SEPTEMBER
If you were born in late September,
The bells should
definitely start to clang
As it’s pretty safe to
assume that your folks
Started out the New
Year with a Bang
MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION THIS YEAR
My New Year's resolution this year
Is hopefully an
antidote to future resolutions
And to rid myself of
the annual angst
I have come up with a
simple solution
Which is to stop
hanging out with people
Who ask me for my New
Year's resolutions
NEW YEAR’S EVE IS ONE OF THE FEW
New Year’s Eve is one of the few
Acceptable times to
wear body glitter
When you have a
reasonable expectation
Of not being mistaken
for a stripper
MY ONLY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION
My only New Year's resolution
Is to be more
optimistic next year
By keeping my cup
half-full
With either vodka, whiskey or beer
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS ARE SOMETHING
New Year's resolutions are something
That go over the head
of my brother
He just doesn’t seem
to grasp their import
So they go in one year
and out the other
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 5
It’s Christmas Day in the workhouse
Just another grey day
to endure
Jamie Oliver is
cooking the dinner
So, no Turkey
Twizzlers in store
NEW PUPILS
At the North Pole, For those
Not begun Schooling
yet,
Must firstly be
enrolled
And then taught the
Elphabet
NEVER EVER CATCH A SNOWFLAKE
Never ever catch a snowflake
In your mouth
Until you’re sure all
the birds
Have flown south
JAMES DEAN LIVED LIFE TO THE FULL
James Dean lived life to the full
Seldom taking the time
to pause
But he didn’t believe
in Santa
So he was a rebel
without a Claus
DIFFERENCES # 3
The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial
philanderer, as it goes
Is in essence a total
lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped
at three ho’s
CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE WORKHOUSE # 2
It was Christmas Eve in the workhouse
And not a hint of the
season in sight
No stockings hang by
the fire side
So, it’s just like
every other Night
IN THE MORNING SANTA STOOD
In the morning Santa stood
by the window to peer
And said to Mrs Claus
“It looks like rain
dear”
CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE KENNELS
It was Christmas Eve in the kennels
And all the canines
were all agog
They all made merry
all night long
Finishing by singing
Fleas Navi Dog
RUDOLPH GOT AN F
Rudolph got an F in his exam
Which was a mystery
But after his paper was remarked
He went down in History
IF AN ELF IS WEARING EARMUFFS
If an Elf is wearing earmuffs
Call him anything you
choose
Safe in the happy
knowledge
That he can’t possibly
hear you
ON CHRISTMAS EVE THE CHIMNEYS STAND
On Christmas Eve the chimneys stand
Waiting for Santa to
go down them
And he duly obliges
each one in turn
To visit every house
because it soots him
MUM WAS DETERMINED
This year, Mum was determined, for the first time,
To have the happy time the family had lacked
So, when she was preparing the bird for the oven
She stuffed the Turkey with sage, onion and Prozac!
SANTA’S NEW TEAM
All of Santa’s new electric Reindeer
Were all lined up by
the charger
Waiting patiently in
turn to use it
As Santa and Rudolf
looked on
Santa asked “Shall I
tell the others
Or would you rather do
it?”
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 43
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the pub
The air was scented
with cinnamon
From all the festive grub
From spiced Christmas
Ale
Or Gluwein served from
a tub
I DON’T UNDERSTAND MARKETING
I don’t understand marketing at all
When opportunities
seem myriad
Like a sanitary
products campaign
Specifically, for the
Christmas period
I USED MY FIRE STICK TO ORDER A HAMPER
I used my Fire Stick to order a hamper
Something much admired
by my wife
At the festive time of
year that pleases
On arrival I found the
box contained
Our infant saviour so
I loudly exclaimed
“Bloody hell Alexa I
said Baby Cheeses”
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 42
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the City
Peoples were alone for
the season
Which was such a pity
The Church was the one
place
Where they never felt
alone
As they were welcomed
And made to feel at
home
THEY FIRST MET ON A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS EVE
They first met on a special Christmas Eve
And chemistry sparked
between the two
When passions fires
were truly quenched
He asked before
bidding her a fond adieu
“What are you doing on
New Year’s Eve?”
She replied “oh I’m
definitely doing you”
I DON’T WANT A CHRISTMAS GIFT
I don’t want a Christmas gift
That’s very practical
Nor a homemade present
Or something musical
Not an article for
wearing
Nothing thoughtful or
twee
No items for the
garden
Or anything scented
fragrantly
And nothing so expensive
that
The value is shocking
I just want something
shapely
In a Christmas
stocking
TOM BAWCOCK'S EVE, (23rd December)
Legendary Mousehole resident Tom Bawcock
Went out to fish
beneath a storm filled sky
To lift a famine from
the village, and to honour him
They hold an annual
festival and eat Stargazy pie
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 41
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the Barn
In fact, not a
creature was stirring
At all on the farm
They were bedded down
warmly
In the fresh laid hay
And slept in quiet
harmony
Until the breaking of
the day
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 432
Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Eating Christmas pie
As he sat on his bum
He pulled out his thumb,
And poked himself in the eye
EATING CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS
Eating Christmas decorations
Caused something of a
crisis
With a sore throat and
a fever
Ending with a case of Tinselitis
A FAMOUS CHRISTMAS STORY
A famous Christmas Story
Contains a well-known
character
Who died eating
Macaroni
He’s the Ghost of
Christmas pasta
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 40
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the Mill
Nothing was stirring
As the great wheel was
still
Only the fire in the
hearth moved
As it kept away the
chill
A BROKEN DRUM IS THE BEST
A broken drum is the best
Christmas gift you can
get
That might come as a
surprise
But you really can’t
beat it
WHEN RUDOLPH HAD AN UPSET STOMACH
When Rudolph had an upset stomach
It was one of Santa
little helpers
Who came to the sick
Reindeers rescue
And gave him some
Elka-seltzer
IN SANTA’S VILLAGE AT THE NORTH POLE
In Santa’s village at the north pole
They watch a lot of Christmas
TV
Christmas movies are
most popular
Watched on Yule tube
obviously
WHEN HE ONLY RECEIVED BATTERIES
When he only received batteries
His enthusiasm was
muted
But there was a
handwritten note
Which read “Toys not
included”
SANTA HAS TO WORK HARDER THIS YEAR
Santa has to work harder this year
At the North Pole I
fear
Since the jackpot of
Euromillions
Was one by Santa
minions
THERE’S A MEAN FEMALE AT THE POLE
There’s a mean female at the Pole
Playing all the
reindeer games
“Olive, the other
reindeer, used
To laugh and call him
names”
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 39
Twas the night before Christmas
And alone in the Croft
The owner banged his
head and cussed
SANTA’S SLEIGH BROKE DOWN
Santa’s sleigh broke down
So, he stopped a
passing motorist
Who offered to give
him a toe
But then he was a Chiropodist
SANTA CLAUS PASSED HIS TEST
One fine frost filled
day
Which was evidenced
By Noel plates on the
sleigh
IN SANTA’S CHRISTMAS VILLAGE
In Santa’s Christmas village
What do you call a
female Elf?
Well not an Elfess or
Elfette
So, the name would be “a Shelf”
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 38
Twas the night before Christmas
And all round the
Close
The Carol Singers
perform
For the festive and
the morose
Monday 7 August 2023
PUZZLED AUNTY
Bimbette wouldn’t buy
Her niece a jigsaw
For Christmas Even
though
She’d asked for it
before
It was Because it was
labelled
6-8 years
So not finishing it in
the two week
Holiday was her fear
ARE YOU WEARING RED? # 1
Are you wearing red?
And standing at the
foot of my bed
I hope that means
you’re Santa
And not Jeremy Corbyn
instead
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 37
Twas the night before Christmas
And all along the Avenue
The Christmas lights are twinkling
For everyone to view
PREMIER INN ADVENT CALENDAR
I got an Advent Calendar this year
From the Hotel chain
“Premier Inn”
With a chocolate
behind every window
But of course, you
couldn’t open them
CHRISTMAS LIGHTING CEREMONY
“I’m switching on the Christmas lights
In Cardiff” My Brother
told me excitedly
But in typical minor
celebrity fashion he added
“I didn’t even know
they had electricity”
WHEN I WAS A KID @ XMAS
When I was a kid
On Christmas Morning
The day began
With excited howls
Of “Has he been?”
Because we didn’t get
gifts
Until my Dad
Had evacuated his
bowels
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 36
Twas the night before Christmas
And all along the
street
The faithful walked to
Church
Where they would meet
To celebrate the Mass
and wait
For Christmas Day to
greet
MY MATE IS PLANNING A TRIP TO LAPLAND
My mate is planning a trip to Lapland
As his kids really
want to go
He would prefer elves
landing on his lap
At Santa’s Village bar
à gogo
MICROSOFT ADVENT CALENDAR
I got a Microsoft Advent Calendar
This year, but if you
should open
Too many Windows, They
will,
For no apparent reason
all close again
I WAS PUNCHING BUTTONS ALL DAY
I was punching Buttons all day
But I got the sack
though
Which was a little
disappointing
Because I liked doing Panto
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 35
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the place
Not a creature was
stirring
With not a sound nor a
trace
The whole family were
next door
Where to their utter
disgrace
With the neighbours
away
They were robbing the
place
HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN @ XMAS
Her Majesty the Queen
Decorates her own Christmas
Tree
And at Balmoral Castle
this year
She awarded it an OBE
THE FAMILY USED TO LIVE IN LOS ANGLES
The family used to live in Los Angles
Until just a few year
ago
But we moved to Santa
Monica
Because dad is
Christmas crazy
And we had to live
somewhere
That begins with the
word "Santa."
ADOLPH HITLER REALLY LOVED CHRISTMAS
Adolph Hitler really loved Christmas
That much Is perfectly
clear
He loved the sleigh
and the team
But Blitzen was his favourite reindeer?
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 34
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the
caravan
Not a creature was
stirring
Which wasn’t the plan
But the camp site was
flooded
So that was the reason
And would be out of
action
For the festive season
SANTA CLAUS IS A MAN
Santa Claus is a man, make no mistake
Because he always gets
to your house late
Eats your cookie
before emptying his sack
Calls you a ho before
he turns his back
And then he leaves
while you’re asleep
So, Santa Claus is a man, the fat arsed creep
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY COMES
When Christmas Day comes
And the wrapping paper
rustles
Enjoy the day like no
other, as it’s
A Brexit Christmas, ie
no Brussels
SANTA PUT A CLOCK IN HIS SLEIGH
Santa put a clock in his sleigh
And the Elf’s asked him why
So, he explained to them
That he like to watch time fly
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 33
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the
Grange
Not a creature was
stirring
Which seemed rather
strange
As they were party
animals
And needed little
reason
But it turned out
they’d gone
To Mauritius for the
season
RESTFUL SANTA
At Christmas there is another name
You should call Santa Claus
When he rests between delivering gifts
And that’s Santa Pause
SANTA GOT STUCK IN A CHIMNEY
Santa got stuck in a chimney
Last year on Christmas Eve
And ever since he’s suffered
From Claus-trophobia I believe
CHEWIDDEN THURSDAY
On White Thursday
It’s St Chewidden’s
Day
He’s revered by
“Tinners”
Since their heyday
For sharing the
secrets
Of Smelting they say
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 32
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the Manor
Not a creature was
stirring
As they’d been cooked
for dinner
I GOT A CHRISTMAS CARD TODAY
I got a Christmas card today
And it was full of rice again
I knew instantly why, because
It was from my Uncle Ben
THE SOUND OF CHRISTMAS
When I heard “Ho Ho” Whoosh,
I knew I’d heard the sound before
It happened when Father Christmas
Went through a revolving door
THEY HAVE PIZZA AT THE NORTH POLE
They have pizza at the North Pole
On the feast of Stephen
And they always have the same one
Deep-pan, crisp and even
THE NORTH POLE HAS A PET # 1
The North Pole has a pet
Owned by Santa Claus
And Santa called his
dog
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 31
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the Home
All the children were
sleeping
Except little Jerome
Who pretended to sleep
So, he would be able
to see
Santa arrive, but he fell
asleep anyway
So, it was not to be
SANTA CLAUS IS A VERY JOLLY CHAP
Santa Claus is a very jolly chap
And not just because
he’s festive
His jollity stems from
knowledge
THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE GOT BORED
The Bermuda Triangle got bored
Of warm weather over
the years
So it relocated to
Lapland and now
Santa Claus has
disappeared
ONE OF SANTA'S REINDEER
One of Santa's reindeer
Thinks only of himself
And he has bad manners
Obviously its
Rude-Olph
THE NORTH POLE HAS A PET # 2
The North Pole has a pet
Owned by Santa Claus
And Santa called his
Cat
Predictably, Santa
Claws
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 30
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the
Mansion
Not a creature was
stirring
Amidst all the family
tension
As they were all in
their rooms
Doing self-medication
EVEN SKUNKS LOVE CHRISTMAS
Even Skunks love Christmas
The carolling and
Christmas Bells
They even have a
favourite
Christmas song, Jingle
smells!
SOMEONE STOLE MY ADVENT CALENDAR
Someone stole my Advent Calendar
But then crime is rife
nowadays
The police caught the
thief though
And fittingly he got
twenty four days
PEOPLE EDUCATED AT ETON AND HARROW
People educated at Eton and Harrow
Have appropriately
themed Advent Calendars
They still have twenty
four doors
But they’re opened by
Butlers or Chauffeurs
I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT CHRISTMAS
I love everything about Christmas
And I love Christmas
tradition
But I don’t like
cheap, I need my
Candy canes to be in
mint condition
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 29
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the Lodge
Not a creature was
stirring
Especially not Rodge
And everyone was
grateful
As he was the bullet
to dodge
Which is why they
didn’t say
They were off to the
Lodge
MY HOUSE WAS A LITTLE DOWDY
My house was a little dowdy
So, I put a Christmas
tree up in it
The house wasn’t
transformed
But it was spruced up
a bit
SANTA RIDES
Have you ever wondered
What Santa does for
fun
Well he rides his
motorbike
Which is his Holly
Davidson
SNOW BLINDNESS STRUCK
Snow blindness struck
Santa’s team of
reindeer
How they made it home
Santa had no eye deer
DISCIPLINARIAN FATHER CHRISTMAS
What does Father Christmas do
When discipline
becomes lax?
Well he gathers up the
naughty Elf’s
And then gives them
the sack
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 28
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the Tower
Not a creature was
stirring
As they neared the
midnight hour
And the reason for
that was
A black out so they
had no power
AFTER CHRISTMAS SANTA GOES ON HOLIDAY
After Christmas Santa goes on Holiday
With his favourite
mademoiselle
And he always books
the penthouse suite
At the most luxurious
Ho-ho-ho-tel
WHEN FROSTY DISAPPEARED
When Frosty disappeared
It really left people
in a muddle
But Frosty the Snowman
Vanished in May so
he’s a puddle!
THEY CHIPPED AT THE ICE REVEALING
They chipped at the ice revealing
A frozen Elf hanging
from the ceiling
They carried him away
in a receptacle
And then they thawed
out the Elfcicle
OUR LIBRARIAN LOVES CHRISTMAS
Every bauble, bell and
light
And when she goes
carolling
Her favourite is
Silent Night
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 27
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the Hall
Not a creature was
stirring
After the Christmas
Eve Ball
Except the servants of
course
Who didn’t sleep at
all
CHRISTMAS DINNER WITH THE CYRUS’S
Christmas dinner with the Cyrus’s
Is kind of Quirky
Because Miley Cyrus
insists
That they have Twerky
OUR DOG LOVES CHRISTMAS
Our dog loves Christmas
Especially the
carolling
His favourite carol is
Bark, the herald
angels sing
CINDERELLA WAITED AFTER THE BALL
Cinderella waited after the Ball
For the photo
processing to be done
And she sang while she
was waiting
“One day my prints
will come”
SANTA WAS LOOKING FOR THE FUTURE
Santa was looking for the future
Mrs Claus and to
attract her
He decided to go speed
dating
And as a result, he
pulled a cracker
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 26
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the
church
The faithful were
eager for mass
As on their pews they
perch
NORTH POLE CRISIS
There was an obesity crisis
At the North Pole that
caused alarm
So, Santa decided he should
act
And sent them off to
an Elf Farm
SANTA WEARS A BLACK BELT
Santa wears a black belt
Just to make his suit
look smart
It doesn’t mean he is
proficient in karate
Or any other martial
art
SANTA HAD TO INSURE THE SLEIGH
Santa had to insure the sleigh
At a fixed premium
every time he flew
But on Christmas Eve
it was more like
The Net Present Value
PICROUS DAY
Picrous Day was a festival celebrated
By the tin miners of
east Cornwall
“The feast of the
discovery of Tin”
Which gives no credit
to St Piran at all
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 25
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the Hamlet
Not a creature was stirring
But no need to fret
They were at midnight
mass
And hadn’t returned
yet
From the Church in
town
Where they were well met
NORTH POLE SECURITY
At the North Pole at Christmas
Security is exceptionally high
And when they searched the bakery
They discovered a mince spy!
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE ALPHABET
There is a difference between the Alphabet
And the Christmas one which we know well
And it’s quite logical when you think about it
Because the Christmas Alphabet has no L
THANKSGIVING COMES BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Thanksgiving comes before Christmas
That is undisputedly customary
But there is one exception to the rule,
The order is reversed in the dictionary
THE SNOWMAN WORE A SMILE
The Snowman wore a smile
And was quietly humming
Because he knew that soon
The snowblower was coming
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 24
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the Shop
The last-minute
shoppers
Were all copping a
strop
WHAT DOES RUDOLF CALL HIS WIFE?
What does Rudolf call his wife?
Is that the question
that I hear?
I would have thought
it obvious
That he would call her
Deer
CHRISTMAS IS A DEEPLY RELIGIOUS TIME
Christmas is a deeply religious time
That one and all think shouldn’t be missed
And observe it in his or her own way,
Thought normally by getting totally pissed
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 23
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the Town
The streets were all
wearing
Their bright tinselled
gown
OTT NATIVITY
I’ve always been of the opinion
That the Christmas nativity
Was a baby shower that became
A bit of an over the top festivity
THE MEASURE OF AGE USED TO BE
The measure of age used to be
When Policemen looked younger
Now I know I’m getting old
When Santa starts looking younger
LEAST FAVORITE REINDEER
The Dinosaurs least favorite reindeer
Of all the ones
they’ve met,
Isn’t that show off
Red Nosed Rudolf
The one they hate is
Comet
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS IN EDEN
It was the night before Christmas
That magical time to believe
When Adam said in the
garden of Eden
Hey it's Christmas,
Eve!
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 22
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the
village
There was a terrible
smell
Following a diesel
spillage
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