21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 13

 

Christmas is coming, the Geese are getting fat

The bird is a little fatty but I don’t mind that

If you haven’t got a Goose then a Turkey will do

If you haven’t got a Turkey, I’m not dining with you

ARE YOU WEARING RED VELVET?

 

Are you wearing red velvet?

That’s really nice to see

And so, fitting for the season

It makes me feel so Christmassy

CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE WORKHOUSE # 1

It’s Christmas Eve in the workhouse,

And not a hint of the seasons in sight

No stockings hang by the fire side

They’ll be no treats in store tonight

WHILE BROKERS WATCHED THEIR STOCK BY NIGHT

 

While brokers watched

Their stock by night

In the heart of London town

The angel of the Lord came down

And turned off the power

And turned off the power

 

While brokers looked

Into their blank monitors

Stop messing she was bade

There’s lots of money to be made

Turn on the bloody power

Turn on the bloody power

 

You seem to be missing

The true meaning of Christmas

The angel calmly explained

In the darkness of the exchange

They did not listen to her

They wanted only power

 

I am not hear for God

I am here at my own bidding

The angel was ranting and raving

You lost my bloody savings

When they told to her the risks

She fried them to a crisp

CHRISTMAS HERALD

 

The Christmas lights are up

The shops play Christmas tunes

The Santa’s are out in force

In their red and white platoons

Christmas goodies are on display

The best selections ever seen

Which sends the message out

That it’s nearly Halloween

THE GIFT GIVER

 

The Christmas trees are trimmed

And all the halls are decked

Santa has made his list

And all the names are checked

The reindeer have been harnessed

The sleigh is loaded high

Santa climbs into his seat

And they’re off into the sky

Santa goes from roof to roof

From city to city and town to town

He finds the chimney pot

Then takes the presents down

And the gift giver goes about his work

So that every girl and boy

Can awake on Christmas morning

And unwrap that wanted toy

MY EVERGREENS

 

Oh, Holly and my Ivy

Of all the girls I’ve known

When they dress in the Santa gear

They really ring my bell

MERRY CHRISTMAS SIR

 

Merry Christmas sir, I’m your paper boy

I bring you daily tidings of peace and joy

I know that at 6am that no one knocks

But how else would I get my Christmas box

JINGLE BELLS

Jingle bells, jingle bells,

Jingle all the way.

I’ve got a gun and a clever disguise

To rob the bank on its busiest day

 

Jingle bells, jingle bells,

Jingle all the way.

We got caught do you know why?

Because we only had a getaway sleigh

SCROOGE AND GRINCH

 

Scrooge and Grinch

Don’t believe in Christmas

When the carolers come along

They start to swear and cuss

 

Ebeneezer Scrooge is a skinflint

A mean and grasping old miser

Who buys from the pound shop

And sells them at a fiver

 

Little more than a grouch

Is the Christmas stealing Grinch

Who to miserable to be happy

He steals your Christmas by the inch

 

The tale is told of redemption

After the ghostly haunting stunt

The Grinch whole-hearted and loving

Says merry Christmas with a grunt

Scrooge and Grinch never changed

They were just putting on a front

MOTHER CHRISTMAS, THANKS

 

Mums make Christmas

Only they can

That is a fact of life

Her mission is simple

Every year

Recreating the day

 

Christmas for her

Holidays for her

Require of her to

Illuminate the season

Supply an army

Trim and decorate

Make and manufacture

Aid and assist

Sustain and nourish

 

Thank her

Honour her

Assist her

Neglect her not

Kids and spouses

Should respect her

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 307

 Saw ye Eppie Marly, honey,

The woman that sells anything, honey?

She's lost her virtue and a' her money,

Wi' following a Goodtime Charlie, honey.

CANDY CANES, CINNAMON AND GINGER

 

Candy Canes,

Cinnamon and Ginger

Are some of my favourite

Christmas things

Especially when

They’re only wearing

Christmas Stockings

And Popcorn Strings

IF YOU PUT CANDY CANES ON THE TREE

 

If you put Candy canes on the tree

And Popcorn on strings

Then let me give the kind of advice

That experience brings

Don’t pack them away after the

Bell of New Year rings

Otherwise, next year they will be

Seriously unsavoury things

IF YOU PUT CANDY CANES ON THE TREE

 

If you put Candy canes on the tree

And Popcorn on strings

Then let me give the kind of advice

That experience brings

Don’t pack them away after the

Bell of New Year rings

Otherwise, next year they will be

Seriously unsavoury things

IN THE CHRISTMAS VILLAGE

 

In the Christmas village

At the North Pole

There is much excitement

Being kept under control

As there is to be an election

For every Elf and Troll

Votes can of course be cast

At the North Poll

AUGUST EXPECTATIONS FADE

 

August expectations fade and this season

My team has once again failed to impress

Our end of season video will once again

Be in the shops in time for Christmas

CHRISTMAS KEBAB

 

I love a Kebab at Christmas

More than any other time of year

Their infinite variety of fillings

Fills me with Christmas cheer

You don’t have to eat the same

Stereotypical stuffed pitta

Apart from Donner you can have

Comet, Cupid, Dancer and Dasher

ARE YOU WEARING A TARTAN SKIRT?

 

Are you wearing a Tartan skirt?

And what’s above your socks?

If I were able to take a look

I could maybe see the Trossachs

CHRISTMAS DAY JUST AFTER LUNCH

 

Christmas day just after Lunch

My family, being a fun-loving bunch

Engage enthusiastically one and all

In parlour games to enthral

At first the alcohol fuelled the fun

And a good time was had by everyone

However, as the day wore on

With all self-control long gone

The games degenerate into farce

As an opponent is knocked on his arse

And the afternoon ends in tears

As it has done across the years

And dad makes his annual decree

“Games are forthwith banned” said he

MY BROTHER WAS FIVE YEARS MY SENIOR

 

My brother was five years my senior

So, he always led me astray

He took me on a hunt every December

Leading up to Christmas day

To find the presents that mum and dad

Had cunningly stashed away

EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - SANTA

 

Every year without fail

On Christmas Eve

It would appear

And we children

Would squeal out

A deafening cheer

 

When the source

Of our excitement

Was carefully set down

And we would sit

In our clean pajama’s

And dressing gown

 

And stare at the object

Open mouthed

In gleeful expectation

Of what was beneath

The cotton wool and

Red crepe paper creation

 

We would have to wait

The longest time

In anticipation

But it was worth it

Too see inside the belly

Of Santa’s incarnation

 

And when we thought

We could wait no longer

We all jumped to our feet

As Dad slowly removed

The pink faced head

And revealed the treats

And as Dad gave Santa

A little shake, out spilled

The Christmas sweets

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 306

 

Rub a dub dub

Three men in a tub

I bet no one predicted that

When they met in the pub

ARE YOU WEARING FAIRY DUST?

 

Are you wearing fairy dust?

If you’re a fairy, it really is a must

But the one thing I cannot tell

Are you the one called Tinkerbelle?

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN REALLY LOST HIS TEMPER

 

Frosty the snowman really lost his temper

And his behaviour was an absolute disgrace

He kept going on about an aggressive carrot

And he kept saying "just get out of my face"

EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - FROSTY

 

Every year without fail

On Christmas Eve

It would appear

And we children

Would squeal out

A deafening cheer

 

When the source

Of our excitement

Was carefully set down

And we would sit

In our clean pyjama’s

And dressing gown

 

And stare at the object

Open mouthed

In gleeful expectation

Of what was beneath

The cotton wool and

Crepe paper creation

 

We would have to wait

The longest time

In anticipation

But it was worth it

Too see inside the belly

Of Frosty’s incarnation

 

And when we thought

We could wait no longer

We all jumped to our feet

As Dad slowly removed

The carrot faced head

And revealed the treats

And as Dad gave Frosty

A little shake, out spilled

The Christmas sweets

THE YOUNG ELF EDUCATIONALISTS

 

The young Elf Educationalists

Have discovered an alarming theme

Those who struggle to learn the Elf-abet

Will in later life suffer low Elf esteem

NOVELTY TREE CHOCOLATES

 

When we were kids,

Before we went to bed,

My brothers and me

Were allowed a pick

A novelty chocolate

Off the Christmas tree

SNOWFLAKES FALL STEADILY

 

Snowflakes fall steadily

As the wind blows

Laying deeper and deeper

As her progress slows

Knee deep she trudged

Through the deep snows

So, I go and rescue her

From out of the snows

To get her safe indoors

Out of the snows

Though not for kindness

Heaven only knows

It was to get her out

Of her ho ho hose

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY WAS IN FULL SWING

 

The office Christmas party

Was in full swing

Cheap plonk and nibbles

That kind of thing

From someone’s iPod

Loud Music played

And to that music

Eager bodies swayed

IF YOU ARE OUT CAROL SINGING

 

If you are out Carol Singing

And you dry during the song

Just stop and take a deep breath

Then Keep calm and Carol on

ANOTHER OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

 

The office party

Was in full swing

From a Radio

Music played

Too loud for my taste

And overly jolly

For my mood.

Wine was consumed

In copious quantities

As eagerly

As the temps

Who imbibed it

And the more it flowed

The more inappropriate

The behaviour became

It was noisy

Raucous and unseemly

And I had seen enough

So I drained my glass

And prepared to leave

Which was when I saw her

Standing alone

In a quiet corner

Gazing into space

An untouched drink

In her hand

And sadness in her eyes.

She seemed oblivious

To events unfolding

In the office, It was like

She was elsewhere

I hoped wherever it was

Was a happier place

She looked so sad.

I was drawn to her

Though not out of sympathy

It was in equal measure

Recognition of a kindred spirit

And a kind of curiosity

To determine the reason

For such great sadness

Amidst the jollity

Of another Christmas

Had she too lost

The object of her affections?

“Hello” I said

“Not enjoying it?”

She shook her head

“Let’s leave then”

I suggested

She smiled weakly

And nodded her accent

And we slipped away

When she smiled

She was much prettier

From that moment

I took it upon myself

To ensure she would

Never be sad again

That was forty years ago

And we’re still happy

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 305

 

Kitty Fisher took a tumble

And her skirts went all akimbo

And as her legs flew in the air

You could see she’d gone commando

ARE YOU WEARING WHITE TINSEL?

 

Are you wearing white tinsel?

Tied amidst your lustrous curls

It makes you look so beautiful

And more like an angel than a girl

RED SUIT

 

Santa Claus wears his famous red suit

As down another Chimney he’ll shoot

But no one knows what’s under there

He likes dressing in Ladies underwear

HAND KNITTED GLOVES

Hand knitted gloves

Scarves and hats

Novelty slippers

A book of cricket stats

Soap on a rope

Hankies and socks

These are examples

Of my Christmas box 

IF YOU LISTEN CAREFULLY

 

IF YOU LISTEN CAREFULLY

 

If you listen carefully

Late on Christmas Eve

You might hear a sound

You might not believe

 

For behind the skirting

In the quiet of the house

The little creatures say

Happy Christmouse

THE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS OVER

 

The Christmas party is over

And so, I guess

It’s now the time to wish you

A Happy Christmess

CELEBRATING CRIMBO

 

Some drunken bimbo

With legs akimbo

Showing off her bits

From ankle to pits

Lay in the gutter

And was heard to utter

To a fellow bimbo

Hacky crambo

CHRISTMAS SPOILERS

 

The Christmas spoilers

Will soon be with us again

And that as you well know

Means the bloody children

THE QUEEN’S SPEECH

 

The Queen it would appear

Gets a TV special every year

But one of my many queries

Is why does she never get a series?

THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE

 

The best form of exercise

Is sex! Well, that’s what they say

But five minutes at Christmas

Won’t take my beer gut away

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 304

There was a Ship sailed away to Spain

All the way there it was lashed with rain

And when they arrived at last in Spain

Where the rain didn’t fall in the main

As Higgins suggested on the plain

I DON’T MEAN TO GO INTO A PANIC

I don’t mean to go into a panic

Or cause a massive fuss

But there are now only twelve

Shoplifting days until Christmas

MY WIFE LOVES EXCHANGING PRESENTS

 

My wife loves exchanging presents

Happily, amidst the Christmas cheer

In fact, she enjoys it so very much

She exchanges my gift every year

RED BIKE

 

One Christmas

I got a big Red Bike

With white mudguards

All new and shiny like

 

But alas it was gone

Again, on Boxing Day

It belonged to the post office

So, the police took it away

ARE YOU WEARING BLUE TINSEL?

 

Are you wearing blue tinsel?

Tied amidst your lustrous curls

Not a festive hue and yet

You have it amidst the curls

So is it a statement or was it

The only colour you could get

RED SOCKS

 

Long red socks

And Christmas frocks

A sprig of mistletoe

That’s Christmas ho ho ho

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU BOTH

 

Happy Christmas to you both

See, we did remember

Because you are so dear

Just like every year

 

We will never forget

We just wish and wish

You were still here

Just like every year

 

We will remember

And take a pause

Amidst the cheer

Just like every year

 

So, we wish you

A happy Christmas

And wipe away a tear

Just like every year

 

Mary Evelyn Curtis 20/1/1921 – 29/3/1993

Harold Curtis 30/6/1922 – 8/5/1978

I DON'T WANT MUCH FOR CHRISTMAS

 

I don't want much for Christmas

What I want is quite naïve

And an unrealistic expectation

I just want everybody to be happy

I know it’s a forlorn hope

But miracles do happen at Christmas

THROUGHOUT THE YULETIDE SEASON

 

Throughout the yuletide season

In the light of the fireside glow

Christmas garlands are strung

Of Holly, Ivy, and Mistletoe

ON CHRISTMAS EVE, A NUTCRACKER

 

On Christmas Eve, a nutcracker

Is turned into a handsome Prince,

Clara saves him from the Mouse King

And go to the land of sweets and mints

There they dance around for a bit

Before the Prince takes Clara as his belle

And they marry and that’s The End

And that is the nutcracker in a nutshell

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 303

There was a chandler making candles

For all the convent girls to handle

Where at night the Sister would shout

Its bedtime girls so candles out

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?

 

Are you wearing green tinsel?

Tied around your lustrous curls

Like a goddess of the woods

Are you one of the “nature” girls?

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

 

It’s Christmas Eve

The mood is merry

Listen to the sleigh bells

Here comes Mr C

SNIP! SNAP! CHRISTMAS

 

Snip! Snap! Dragon!

Here comes the flaming bowl

So let mischief take its toll

Just as festive Christmas comes

Snatch at the feast of plums

In amongst the Brandy’s flame

It’s our favourite Christmas game

Snip! Snap! Dragon!

MINCE PIES FULL

 

Mince pies full

Of spice and season

I don’t eat them

Heartburn’s the Reason

ARCTIC EDUCATION

 

At the North Pole

If an education is sought

You won’t get any training

Everyone is Elf taught

BREAKFAST TIME COMES

 

Breakfast time comes

Just after day breaks

When Frosty the snowman

Eats his Snowflakes

IF THE STORK WAS TO VISIT

 

If the stork was to visit

Santa and Mrs. Claus

The child would naturally be called

The subordinate Claus

ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT

When my Dad was just a boy

He never saw a lemon or Lime

And oranges only ever appeared

In his house at Christmas time

IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE IN DAD’S HOUSE

 

It was Christmas Eve in Dad’s house,

And not a hint of the season in sight

No stockings hang by the fire side

He was such a miserable old shite

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 302

 

Little girl, little girl where have you been?

Have you been visiting London Zoo

Or gathering roses to give to the Queen.

Oh you went to get another Tattoo

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER

 

Grandma got run over by a reindeer

When into the roadway she strayed

It was an accident waiting to happen

Because Santa Claus was totally slayed

A MAN BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE

 

A man bought a Christmas tree

He got it off the shelf

But he was rushed to A & E

After putting it up himself

A NOVELTY CHRISTMAS CAPER

 

It was a novelty Christmas caper

I was given some Sudoku toilet paper

Not a gift I would choose

You can only use number 1s and 2s

SANTA’S NEW TEAM

 

All of Santa’s new electric Reindeer

Were all lined up by the charger

Waiting patiently in turn to use it

As Santa and Rudolf looked on

Santa asked “Shall I tell the others

Or would you rather do it?”

NEW PUPILS

 

At the North Pole, For those

Not begun Schooling yet,

Must firstly be enrolled

And then taught the Elphabet

SNOW GLOBE NIGHTMARE

 

Last night I dreamed I was trapped

In a snow globe, until I could waken

And when I awoke from that dream

I have to say I was badly shaken

A GIFT YOU CAN’T REFUSE

 

Christmas lists are short

As nobody wants a fuss

Or make demands on

The Godfather Christmas

EATON COLLEGE ADVENT CALENDAR

 

You can now buy an Eaton College

Advent calendar

I’ve never seen one before

There are no overt messages

But there is someone there

To open every door

ARE YOU WEARING ANY CLOTHES?

 

Are you wearing any clothes?

My little Christmas elf

You’re supposed to dress the tree!

Not undress yourself

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 301

 

Hickory dickory dock

The mice ran up the clock

The clock struck one

But the others escaped unscathed

ARE YOU WEARING TINSEL?

 

Are you wearing tinsel?

Draped about your figure

Like a festive feather boa

Just covering your treasure

How seductive you appear

A little package of pleasure

You dance and prance

So full of vim and vigour

Now let me pull the tinsel

Then you can pull my trigger

AT THANKSGIVING TIME

 

At thanksgiving time

Turkeys, will like as not

Do the thanksgiving dance

Known as the turkey trot

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 1

 

Why did the turkey cross the road?

There was a very simple reason

It was due to a lack of options for a Turkey

During the Christmas season

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 2

 

Why did the turkey cross the road?

There was a very simple reason

It was due to a lack of options for a Turkey

During the Thanksgiving season

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 3

 

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Well contrary to the fable

It was to avoid ending up

On the Thanksgiving table

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 4

 

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Well contrary to the fable

It was to avoid ending up

On the Christmas table

IF ONLY YOUR LEFT LEG WAS THANKSGIVING

 

If only your left leg was Thanksgiving

And your right leg was Christmas day

Then I could devote all of my time

To visiting you between the holidays

WHEN SANTA RETURNED HOME

 

When Santa returned home

To have his tea

His wife was there

Waiting apprehensively

“There was a phone call for you”

Said Mrs. C

“It was a little garbled

And made no sense to me

Something about Saville

And Operation Yewtree”

GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF

 

Gropius the eighth dwarf

Is no longer a performer

Since all the allegations

He’s on the offender’s register

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 300

 

Baa Baa black sheep

Have you any wool?

Please say yes sir

To make my wagon full

 

No, I don’t have any wool

You bloody Wally

I’m not a sheep

I’m your Border Collie

SEE THE HAPPY FACES GLOWING

 

It’s Christmas time again

See the happy faces glowing

Putting love in every heart

Until they’re overflowing

ABANDONING THE NATIVITY

 

It’s ironic that schools

Are abandoning the nativity

When half a dozen Schoolgirls

Could play the Virgin Mary

Although they’re not virgins

They do have their own baby

SO WHEN YOUNG MRS CLAUS ARRIVED IN TOWN

 

So, when young Mrs Claus arrived in town

I looked at her with her pure white hair

She was a pretty woman but to my discredit

I couldn’t help thinking as I looked at her

How I like the collar and cuffs to match

So obviously I was thinking of a little white fur

A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED

 

A press release from Santa Claus stated

That the Poles reputation had been blighted

So Mobile phones were banned, the number

Of indecent Elfies was the reason cited

THEY WON’T BE PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS

 

They won’t be playing musical chairs

In palaces or Royal homes

Prince Charles prefers to play a variant

Called Game of Thrones

IF YOU’RE A TAKE THAT FAN

 

If you’re a Take That fan

Then Christmas could be shocking

If you’re expecting to find

An Orange in your stocking

NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH

 

Melchior, Balthazar, and Caspar

Travelled long with Gifts to bring

Not frankincense, Gold, or myrrh

Or other valuable precious things 

But non glutenous food stuffs

As they were Wheat Free Kings

YOU CAN LIKEN IT TO RUDOLF

 

Why does the Easter Bunny

Have such a shiny nose?

You can liken it to Rudolf

The thing actually glows

Well, the answer is obvious

And I don’t mean to offend

But it’s because his powder puff

Is stuck to his rear end

A BLONDE GIFT

 

Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas

But in the New Year she exchanged it

The store took it back without a quibble

Even though she said it was too tight a fit

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 299

 

Taffy was a Welshman

He came from Porthcawl

I think if he were from Cardiff

He’d hardly be Welsh at all

 

“Taffy was a Welshman was an actual nursery rhyme

Popularised in the 18th Century, so don’t blame me”

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS DRAWERS?

 

Are you wearing Christmas drawers?

I would like a look at yours

I bet a pound to a penny

You’re not wearing any

There we have it at last

You are as I thought bare arsed

Of course, it makes you look loose

Even if you have an excuse

Well that really is shocking

You’re supposed to hang a stocking

FOGHORN LEGHORN AND ALL HIS PALS # 2

 

Foghorn leghorn and all his pals

Have all chosen to assemble

Their very own chicken choir

Which is called a Hensemble

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 7

 

I hate it when buying sunglasses

When I find a pair, I want to try

And that stupid little plastic thing

Dangles right in front of my eye

MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS

 

My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus

Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish

And he doesn’t give me presents

But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth

WHERE THE LONELY ELVES GO

 

The “house of fun” in Santa’s village

Is where lonely elves go to take pause

And the owner proudly boasts that

He has more ho’s than Santa Claus

SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY

 

Santa’s youngest daughter Mary

Was promiscuous and out of control

So, he sent her to a girl’s boarding school

To keep her off the North Pole

THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES

The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves

Was out of control and a bit of a prancer

So, he sent her to college in Lapland

To stop her from being a pole dancer

But she soon dropped out of college

And now she’s a popular lap dancer 

THERE IS A POPULAR MYTH ABOUT RUDOLPH

 

There is a popular myth about Rudolph

And his quite legendary shiny nose

But believe me if you ever saw him

You would know that’s not what glows

HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE

He came home on Christmas Eve

On his long-awaited Christmas leave

The soldier returned from the war

To find his beloved waiting at the door

It took seconds for passions to ignite

Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 298

 

Taffy was a Welshman,

Taffy was a thief;

Taffy came to my house

And stole a piece of beef.

I should mention in the interest

Of political correctness

That not all Welshmen

Are called taffy

And not all Welshmen

Are thieves or indeed

Have a liking for someone else’s beef.

But this particular Welshman

In the 18th Century Nursery Rhyme

Was indeed called taffy

And he was a thieving bastard

 

“Taffy was a Welshman was an actual nursery rhyme

Popularised in the 18th Century, so don’t blame me”

FOGHORN LEGHORN DIDN’T LIKE TO GO OUT

 

Foghorn Leghorn didn’t like to go out

It made his heartbeat quicken

So, he wouldn’t even cross the road

Because he was a chicken

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 6

 

When you’re only browsing

In a department store

Five different salespeople

Sometimes even more

Pestering and prying and

Asking if they can assist you

But when you need a one

There’s never one in view

ARE YOU WEARING XMAS STOCKINGS?

 

Are you wearing Xmas stockings?

With a holly wreath motif

Along those long festive garlands

How I wish to trace each leaf

Along each luscious limber leg

An ascent exquisitely brief

To reach the Christmas gift

Beyond the holly wreath motif

I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM

 

I don’t like the shortened form

Of Christmas, it’s not quaint

I dislike it because Xmas sounds

Like some kind of skin complaint

DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY

 

Don’t look backwards, merely

Half-heartedly and insincerely

Remember those Christmas’s clearly

And remember the people dearly

WHEN YOU ARE IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP

 

When you are in a long-term relationship

On Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries

Your normally rational other halves

Turn into fire breathing adversaries

And those once happy and joyous occasions

Become life and death quests to test us

To see if we can find the perfect present

And that goes double for Christmas 

DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL

 

Down at the shopping mall

There’s a lot of bustle and fuss

As the registers ring its beginning

To cost a lot like Christmas

THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

 

They say that it’s the thought that counts

Rather than the size of the gift

But if you decided to give everyone your

Opinion in lieu they might be miffed

WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

 

We lost the true meaning of Christmas

Almost from the start

It’s become about what’s in your pocket

And not what's in your heart

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 297

 

Kind hearts are gardens,

Kind thoughts are roots,

Kind words are blossoms,

Kind deeds are fruits.

But none of this rubbish

Gets the bloody grass cut

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS TIGHTS?

 

Are you wearing Christmas tights?

Adorned with a festive motif

Well, if those long festive limbs

Decorated with Christmas motif

Were to entwine about me

Then my resistant would be brief

ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?

 

Are you a Christmas Fairy?

It’s just you’re a little bit scary

And you also look a bit weird

I think it’s the long ginger beard

SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS

 

She had a very frustrating Christmas

Such was the impression she exuded

Apparently, the gift from Ms Summers

Was labelled “batteries not included”

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2

 

You can keep the sleigh

And Rudolph and Prancer

There’s nothing Santa likes

More than a Pole Dancer

THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS

 

To some people

They can cause distress

But there is a sentiment

I‘d like to express

Sprouts are for life

Not just for Christmas

HOMELESS SNOWMAN

 

He was dressed in rags

And made from snow

A poor homeless snowman

A sad lonely snowbo

MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED

 

Mrs Claus was courted

By Santa and a man called Ray

Ray was a flash Harry

Who drove a red Chevrolet

Well, it was no contest

At the end of the day

Because although he had a fast car

Santa had a faster sleigh