DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN?

 

I grew a beard, thinking it would say

"Distinguished Gentleman" to all

Instead, what it’s actually saying

Is Senior Discount seeker at the Mall

AS I’VE GOTTEN OLDER I HAVE FOUND

As I’ve gotten older I have found that

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 

Which is something of a challenge, plus

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be

IT'S SCARY WHEN YOU START MAKING

It's scary when you start making,

During any kind of undertaking

The same noises and exclamations

As your coffee making contraption

THE OVER 50 EXERCISE PLAN

 

With a 2kg potato bag in each hand,

Extend your arms straight out from your sides

And hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold

This position for just a bit longer on this plan.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.

Then try 25kg potato bags and eventually 50kg bags

When you are ready put a potato in each of the bags.

I DECIDED TO TAKE AN AEROBICS CLASS FOR SENIORS

 

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

And I had to gyrate, jump, twist and bend

And I sweated for an hour, but, by the time I got

My leotard on, the class was already at an end

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE REACHED

You know you have reached

The end of your childhood

When knock down ginger is bad

And afternoon naps are good

SINCE I RETIRED I HAVE RESISTED THE TEMPTATION

 

Since I retired, I have resisted the temptation

To tidy the cellar, the garage, or the attic

Because the moment I accomplished the task

My grown-up kids would fill them with their shit

WHAT DO PENSIONERS?

What do pensioners?

Consider long lunches to be? 

Perfectly normal I think

At least as far as I can see

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE CLAPPED OUT

 

You know when you are clapped out

And not vital any more

When the doc tells you

To slow down instead of the law

THE TEMPERATURE OF SEX

 

An old man was at the doctors

“I have a question you may think silly

Well after my wife and I have sex,

I'm usually cold and chilly

But then, after the second time

I'm usually hot and sweaty"

The doc replied “Well that is strange

Let’s discuss it with Betty”

The doctor repeated the tale

And she replied with disgust

"The first time is in January

And the second is in August"

IN THE NINETIES WE ALL LOVED TO DANCE

 

In the nineties we all loved to dance along to

Billy Ray Cyrus and his “Achy Breaky Heart”

Now I’m approaching my seventies I've got

Achy, breaky everything and I’m falling apart

I MAY HAVE GOLD TEETH

I may have gold teeth

Showing when I grin

I may have silver hair

Which is going thin

I will even confess

That I have bronze skin

But I can say that my pencil

Still has plenty of lead in

CLASSIC, GENUINE AND UNIQUE

 

They all seem to describe you

As classic, genuine, and unique

But what they actually mean is

You’re an original vintage antique

AT MY ADVANCED AGE

 

At my advanced age

I've seen it all

I've heard it all

And I’ve done it all

The only problem is

I can remember bugger all

HOMO ERECTUS

 

When I get up in the morning gloom

I head straight for the bathroom

Although as I emerge from my coma

Straight is perhaps a misnomer

As I begin in a dwarf like state

Like a prehistoric primate

Becoming upright when I can

So, I look like the evolution of man

MY HUSBAND HAS LOST THE PLOT

 

My husband has lost the plot

It’s the worst he’s been so far

He tried to change the TV

Channel with a chocolate bar

HE WAS A SERIOUS SWIMMER

 

He was a serious swimmer

And was in the pool constantly

But his progress was halted

In his lane, by an elderly lady

“How long must I wait?” he asked

She replied “until I finish my pee”

A PENSIONER’S BEDTIME

 

A pensioner’s bedtime

In retirement is quite informal  

Two hours after dozing off

In front of the TV is normal

HOW MANY PENSIONERS DOES IT TAKE?

 

How many pensioners does it take?

To change a light bulb that’s blown

Only one, but it might take all day

To get around to it on their own

THERE’S A DOWNSIDE TO RETIREMENT

 

There’s a downside to retirement

And I think there is only the one

Which is that despite all the extra time

Everything still doesn’t get done