21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 278

 

This is the way the ladies ride

yes, yes, yes. oh yes

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A REASON? # 2

 

Are you wearing it for a reason?

Is it because of the festive season?

You won’t be kissed under the mistletoe

Because you’re wearing it too low

WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 1

 

We have loved eggs

Since we were children

Boneless chickens

My dad used to call them

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO

 

I don’t know what to do

About all the sex, nudity,

Foul language and violence

On my DVD

A COUPLE OF WOMEN

 

A couple of women

Live next door to me

One is middle-aged

And teaches PE

The other a social worker

In her mid-twenties

They go everywhere together

If you, please

And I’ve never seen a man

Either enter or leave

I’m beginning to think

That they might be Lebanese

ON HER CHARIOT DRAWN BY GRIFFINS

 

On her chariot drawn by griffins

The maiden goddess, dispensing justice

With rod, scales, sword, and scourge

The avenger of crime, Nemesis

BEING FROM AN ARMY FAMILY I DREADED

 

Being from an army family I dreaded

Being invited to the officer’s mess

Because I’d have one too many margarita’s

And it always ends in distress

WHEN I SUGGESTED YOU NEEDED PROTECTION

 

When I suggested you needed protection

I wasn’t meaning you needed a condom

I was merely wondering if you happened

To have a suitable raincoat to put on

I WAS ALMOST DROWNED

 

I was almost drowned

Just a few miles from shore

And my life passed before my eyes

God it was a total bore

HE ASKED ME A QUESTION

 

He asked me a question

In the most cryptic of ways

Does your mouth bleed?

Every twenty-eight days?

And I didn’t recognise it

As an insult for several days

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 277

 

Is John Smith within?

Yes there was one to begin

Followed by many more Smiths

And now I’m quite pithed

 

ARE YOU WEARING A PUZZLED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a puzzled expression?

You must really think I have some gall

But if it wasn’t for pickpockets like me

You'd have no hint of a sex life at all

ARE YOU WEARING A WITCH’S HAT?

 

Are you wearing a witch’s hat?

Or is it just a kind of mirage

And did you just call that

Broom cupboard your garage

AT THE GHOSTLY HOUSE

 

At the ghostly house

There is a familiar theme

Because for dessert

They always have ice scream

ALL GOOD GHOSTLY KIDS

 

All good ghostly kids

Are brought up good and true

And they will never spook

Until they’re spooken to

SNIP! SNAP! HALLOWEEN

 

Snip! Snap! Dragon!

Here comes the flaming bowl

So let mischief take its toll

Just as this Halloween comes

Snatch at the feast of plums

In amongst the Brandy’s flame

It’s our favourite Halloween game

Snip! Snap! Dragon!

I BUY MY WIFE A GIFT FOR HALLOWEEN

 

I buy my wife a gift for Halloween

Though not the gift giving season

Because Halloween is like Christmas

For witches and that’s the reason

I WAS STOOD AT THE BAR LAST NIGHT

 

I was stood at the bar last night

When a vampire gave me a fright

As I fully expected him to take a bite

But instead, he ordered a blood light

OH NO, NOT HALLOWEEN AGAIN

 

It’s that time of year again, Halloween

Oh how I hate it and its practitioners

All year round we tell our children

“Don’t accept sweets from strangers”

We instil in them from an early age

“Don’t ever approach or talk to strangers”

Then at Halloween we send them out

To ask for sweets at the doors of strangers

 

When children dressed as monsters

Terrorize the neighbourhood

Begging from door to door

Demanding sweets and treats

For not vandalizing your property

The older children or should I say yobs

Wear masks and disguise them selves

Clearly training for a life of crime

A yob in a funny outfit is still a yob

 

It’s that time of year again

The night of night to ignore the doorbell

It’s not twee or cute it’s just annoying

I try to be polite when I shoo them from my door

But I know I will get up next morning

With fake blood smeared on the front door

Eggs smashed on my windscreen

And rubbish strewn across my garden

God, I hate Halloween and its practitioners

ALL HALLOWS EVE

 

I hide behind the sofa quivering in fear

Now the witching hour is near

The curtains are drawn tight

And I’ve turned off the lights

The TV volume is way down low

I sit and cower in its feeble glow

Then comes the knock upon the door

And I curl up quivering on the floor

My heart is pounding my breath is shallow

My mouth is dry it’s hard to swallow

On all hallows eve I live in mortal dread

But not of monsters or the un-dead

The fear that turns my heart to stone

Is Trick or Treaters knowing I’m home

THE THREE FOOT GHOSTS AND GHOULS

The three-foot ghosts and ghouls

Roam the neighbourhood streets

Demanding candy with menaces

When tricks arise after no treats 

DARK MONSTERS FROM THE PITS OF HELL

 

Dark monsters from the pits of hell

Ghosts and ghouls from where they dwell

Witch or warlock cast a withering spell

All answering the ring of the Halloween bell

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 276

 

Little Jack Horner

Sat in a corner

Reading a copy of “Jugs”

Not a classy read

He did willingly concede

But it gave him a couple of tugs

ARE YOU WEARING SCRUBS?

 

Are you wearing scrubs?

It’s not a sexy look

It’s something and nothing

In my book

 

Even though you’re fit.

I don’t care if you’re

Naked underneath

I don’t care if you’re

 

Extremely slutty

You have scrubs on.

I like the nurse’s uniform

Of Pristine cotton

 

And starched white apron

A silly hat

And Black stockings

Scrubs leave me flat

 

But the uniform

Is a different issue

That gets me going… oops

Have you got a tissue?

CERIDWEN

 

The Welsh enchantress,

Goddess Ceridwen

Celtic goddess of rebirth

And transformation

Keeper of the cauldron

Of poetic inspiration

Mother and daughter

Heroine of the wiccan

TWITTER HALLOWEEN NIGHT

 

The invitation went out

To the twitter followers

About Halloween night

And the trick or treaters

 

It’s much safer than being

Out on the streets

And it’s better for you

To do twick or tweets

WE WENT TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY # 1

 

We went to a fancy dress party

I was a wizard, and she was a witch

But I knew it was time to leave

When she tapped her witch watch

MY LITTLE NIECE GOES TO HOGWARTS

 

My little niece goes to Hogwarts

She’s a witch and she’s excelling

But of all the subjects she takes

Her favourite one is spelling

WE WENT TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY # 2

 

We went to a fancy dress party

With a Hogwarts theme

There was me and my girlfriend

And her twin sister Irene

 

However, after a drink or two

Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch

As with twin witches I couldn’t

Tell which witch was which

MY KIDS LOVE HALLOWEEN

 

My kids love Halloween

And not just trick or treat

We play lots of games

Especially Hide and Shriek

THE MODERN DAY WITCH

 

The modern day witch

Performs her manoeuvre

Flying across the sky

On a household hoover

ARE YOU WEARING A DRACULA OUTFIT?

 

Are you wearing a Dracula outfit?

Well, I promise not to put up a fight

And at the end of the Halloween party

I will let you have more than bite

DOUBLE, DOUBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE

 

Double, double, toil and trouble

Fire burn and cauldron bubble

Shake it shake it at the double

Don’t drink much or you’re in trouble

THEY MAY LOOK CUTE AND SWEET

 

They may look cute and sweet

They may look smart and dandy

But they’re vicious little monsters

Who’ll rob you of all your candy

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 275

 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the Kings horses and all the Kings men

Never saw Humpty Dumpty again

ARE YOU WEARING LEG WARMERS? # 3

 

Are you wearing leg warmers?

Not the most cutting edge look of yours

But what goes around comes around

Or has the elastic gone in you drawers

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK VELVET?

 

Are you wearing black velvet?

You look like the Black Queen

That’s so fitting for the season

I really do love Halloween

WHAT TO GIVE ON HALLOWEEN

 

What to give on Halloween?

Is a no brainer in the end     

Because everyone knows

Demons are a ghoul's best friend

IT’S NOT MY FAVOURITE HOLIDAY

 

It’s not my favourite holiday

And although opinions vary

I do really love Halloween

As I can eat, drink and be scary

IT WAS SO BIG AND ROUND

It was so big and round

Like a big orange bumpkin

It was a fat Jack-O-Lantern

Carved out of a plumpkin 

WALKING ABROAD I SPIED

 

Walking abroad I spied

A withered limping Goblin

He didn’t scare me at all

As he was only a hoblin goblin

RED EYE

 

In all the photos of her

She was terribly Red Eyed

I thought it was the camera

But no matter how I tried

I couldn’t get a good shot

But it wasn’t a lack of skill

Or any technical fault

It turned out she was evil

TWO WITCHES LIVED TOGETHER

 

Two witches lived together

When they were in the states

But there was nothing going on

They were just Broommates

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Halloween outfit?

Well, you really do look good in it

And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit

It’s a really cracking little outfit

Though all the emphasis is on the fit

DIVIDE THE CIRCUMFERENCE

 

Divide the circumference

Of a Pumpkin by

Its diameter, and you

Will get Pumpkin Pi

SHE MAY BE A WITCH

 

She may be a witch

And she may do spells

Which sounds like poetry

As far as anyone tells

So just beware of

Unnatural smells

Or you’ll fall victim

To one of her spells

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 274

 

Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall

No one actually saw it at all

And he can’t say what the truth is

Because he’s totally gone to pieces

ARE YOU WEARING LEG WARMERS? # 2

Are you wearing leg warmers?

It’s a fashion statement well made

But if memory serves me well

Not for this particular decade

ARE YOU WEARING A WITCH’S OUTFIT?

 

Are you wearing a witch’s outfit?

Does it come with all the kit?

The shoes and cloak and hat

Striped stockings and all that

Then ply me with your potion

And realize your every notion

HELLO SEXY HALLOWEEN GIRL

 

Hello sexy Halloween girl

Just one look at you

And how my old heart beats

 

So, tell me sexy Halloween girl

That you have no tricks for me

But you will give me some treats

HELLO DARLING HALLOWEEN GIRL

 

Hello darling Halloween girl

With your bag half full of sweets

I hope you have no tricks for me

If I top up your bag with treats

SPIRITUOUS

 

Pursuing phantoms

Came in the night

From hells realm

Making me take flight

 

I was so mortally scared

I needed a Bracer

And I quickly followed it

With a Chaser

 

Though spirituous liquors’

Have their merits

They were no defence

Against evil spirits

HALLOWEEN HORRORS

 

Halloween horrors

Cross the thin veil

You must escape them

You’ll die if you fail

A HALLOWEEN HORROR

 

A Halloween horror

Threatens my faith

A demon of my own making

The haunting of a wraith

HORRORS OF HELL

 

Horrors of hell

Those cast down

Rise on Halloween

To walk about town

Bloody demons

In bloody gown

Horrors of hell

Will cut you down

ARE YOU WEARING A GHOST OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a ghost outfit?

I know it’s only a white sheet or too

But if I let you scare me once or twice

Then can I put the willies up you 

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 11

 

If your blind date is described to you

As “Young at heart” it’s just a trick

Read between the lines and see they’re

Trying to fob you off with some old geriatric

I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A WICCAN GIRL

 

I lost my virginity to a Wiccan girl

Who was a scrawny little witch

With the reputation for being

A bit of a thorny little bitch

She mellowed to me in my bed

And I was left with a horny itch

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 273

 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

Luckily, he didn’t end up in bits

Because he was so off his tits

ARE YOU WEARING LEG WARMERS? # 1

 

Are you wearing leg warmers?

It should be one of those nostalgic sights

But if memory serves and I’m not mistaken

They’re not supposed to go under your tights

DEMONS WALK THE EARTH

 

Demons walk the earth

On All Hallows Eve

And will snatch away

Your soul at their ease

PHANTASM

 

What is that ghostly apparition?

Is that ghostly figure a Phantasm?

Come to haunt and terrorize us?

No, it’s the kid from next door, Adam

THE OLD BLACK WITCH’S CAT # 1

The most comfortably fat

Old black witch’s cat

Is often known to take a nap

In her black pointed hat

ARE YOU WEARING WEREWOLF EARS?

 

Are you wearing Werewolf ears?

It’s an unusual look for a girl

But if you’re a bit of an animal

I’m happy to give it a whirl

THE OLD BLACK WITCH’S CAT # 2

 

The old black witch’s cat

Has nothing much to do

He’s a sleepy old familiar

Oddly named Witchitypoo

He is quite partial to a mouse

Should one happen into view

But he doesn’t stir himself

For he never has to pursue

There is no thought of chasing

And no need to bite and chew

For with a flick of his paw

A spell is cast by Witchitypoo

And then he leisurely dines

On a tasty mouse stew

IT WAS HALLOWEEN AND

It was Halloween and

We were on our way to a party

They were both dressed as vampires

And I was Professor Moriarty

 

We stopped at the supermarket

But didn’t have any cash

So, we thought we’d steal some booze

Then make a dash

 

The bottles we wanted

Were on the very top of the racks

Which we couldn’t reach

So, I had to stand on their backs

 

Once I had the bottles

Dracula hid them under his cape

And without drawing attention

We casually made our escape

 

But we were caught on CCTV

A very clear image by all accounts

I was charged with shoplifting

On two counts

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN TIGHTS? # 2

 

Are you wearing Halloween tights?

Oh, how they are exciting me

Adorned with a festive motif

What a Halloween this will be

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN KNICKERS?

 

Are you wearing Halloween Knickers?

Is that appropriate for vicars

Just kneel upon this hassock

While I rummage in your cassock

The bishop wouldn’t think it funny

My naughty little Wiccan honey

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 10

If your blind date is described to you

As “A Good Listener” don’t go all romantic

Because it will be worse than it sounds

And they’ll be Borderline Autistic

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 272

 

Mary had a little lamb

She also had a ram

But he was too light on his feet

So wasn’t worth a damn

ARE YOU WEARING WHISKERS?

 

Are you wearing whiskers?

Well, it’s not really workin’

And to tell you the truth

It’s really rather irkin’

It would be better all round

If you just wore a merkin

THE LITTLE BEWITCHER

 

She is a little bewitcher

The little servant of Wicca

Who has ensnared my heart

Which I opposed from the start

I was happy being single

But she has made my senses tingle

And she used her Wiccan ways

Against all resistance raised

It is not some fanciful notion

To blame an exotic potion

Or the casting of a spell

To bewitch me quite so well

Now she bends me too her will

And gently holds me still

Then this little Wiccan miss

Captures my soul with her kiss

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN TIGHTS? # 1

 

Are you wearing Halloween tights?

Adorned with a scary motif

Well, if those long festive limbs

Decorated with a spooky motif

Were to entwine about me

Then my resistant would be brief

MY LITTLE WICKED WITCH AND I

 

My little wicked witch and I

Love to fly across the night sky

And travel to special places

Where no one knows our faces

Where door with bolt and lock

Ensures, Witch and Warlock

Can scratch their every itch

And a Warlock and a Witch

Can safely enjoy a little sin

Without familiars listening in

DREAM WITCH

 

There is a witch of whom I’m fond

Who could carry me off beyond

And we’d do magic with my wand

 

We would quaff her special brew

Fly on a broomstick made for two

And do things naughty witches do

 

But alas our special tandem flight

Full of wicked and delicious delight

Is but a dream I dream each night

THE WITCHING HOUR

 

On All Hallows Eve take special care

You may not see them, but they are there

And as they mix up their witch’s brew

They’ll have their witchy eyes on you

AT THE WITCHING HOUR

At the Witching hour

The Zombies walk

The Banshees scream

And the Ravens squawk

The Witches’ fly

The familiar’s talk

The Vampires bite

And the Demons stalk 

IN THE BLACKNESS OF THE NIGHT

 

In the blackness of the night

Performing their satanic rite

Satan’s followers incite

To every Demons delight

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN HOSIERY?

 

Are you wearing Halloween hosiery?

Phwor are you going to let me see

Oh, how they cling to the shape of you

I would like to cling to them too

Oh yes, I like them very much

Perhaps I might have a touch

Oh, you are a proper tease

Would you let me if I said please?

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 9

If your blind date is described to you

As “Wanting a Soulmate” then watch out

Because it will be worse than it sounds

They’ll be a stalker without a doubt

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 271

 There was an Old Woman lived under a hill

There was an old woman

Lived under a hill,

Now she has died

And there she lies still

ARE YOU WEARING A HORSES HEAD?

Are you wearing a horse’s head?

Are you supposed to be PUCK?

Oh, you’re running the marathon

Well, aren’t you the silly fool 

THOSE LITTLE DARLINGS

Those little darlings

With their angelic eyes

Look harmless enough

But beneath their disguise

 

They’re nothing but thugs

With pure evil intent

These spawn of Satan

Are not heaven sent

 

These foul blackguards

Going about their sport

They say “Trick or treat”

As they happily extort

 

They squirt fake blood

On my front door

They egg my new car

I can’t take any more

 

I sit counting the minutes

Am I the only one?

Who just can’t wait

Till Halloween is done 

LAMIA

Beautiful Lamia

Queen of Libya

Lover of Zeus

Rival of Hera

 

Beautiful Lamia

Became a mother

Loved by Zeus

Despised by Hera

 

Wife of Zeus

The jealous Hera

Murdered the children

Of Beautiful Lamia

 

Driven insane by grief

Beautiful Lamia

Became an ugly

Child devourer

 

Hera became

A vengeful bitch

Lamia became

A blood sucking witch 

IT HAPPENS ON THE NIGHT OF HALLOWEEN

 

It happens on the night

Of Halloween

When the spirits of creatures

Can pass between

And some spooky spooks

Might well be seen.

Some ghouls are good

And others are mean

Some ghosts have substance

And visibly preen

While others glow

Luminescent green

But watch out for witches

That arrive on the scene

For in the blink of an eye

They’ll whip out your spleen

WHEN THE WICCANS WAIL

It is All Hallows Eve

The night of all souls

Samhain Day

When the wiccans wail

At the witching hour

When the Demons walk

Souls will be taken

In the black of night 

LITTLE MONSTERS

 

Little monsters in costumes

Looking for candy treats

Terrorizing the neighbours

All along the street

They prey on young or old

To satisfy their appetites

Treats are handed over

To creatures of the night

 

With their goody bags

Full of every candy treat

They can’t wait to get home

Before they start to eat

 

Then when the bags are empty

They realize their mistake

They’ve eaten so much candy

They’ve all got stomachache

WITCHNAPPED

On her broomstick she swoops

And into her arms she scoops

A poor unsuspecting young man

Because as a witch she can

And carries him off through the night

Then uses him for her delight

In the light of the cauldrons fire

She indulges her every desire 

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN DRAWERS?

 

Are you wearing Halloween drawers?

I would like a look at yours

I bet a pound to a penny

You’re not wearing any

There we have it at last

You are as I thought bare arsed

Of course, it makes you look loose

Even if you have an excuse

Well yes it would be regarded as a treat

And not just down your street

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN STOCKINGS? # 2

 

Are you wearing Halloween stockings?

With a wicked witch motif

Along those long festive garlands

How I wish to trace each relief

Along each luscious limber leg

An ascent exquisitely brief

To reach the Halloween treat

Beyond the wicked witch motif

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 8

 

If your blind date is described to you

As “Professional” then start to twitch

Because it will be worse than it sounds

And she will definitely be a Certified Bitch

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 270

 

A Little Cock Sparrow

Sat on a tree,

Until a sparrow hawk

Ate him for his tea

ARE YOU WEARING A TRENCH COAT?

 

Are you wearing a trench coat?

It’s certainly got my vote

It’s got you wrapped up well

And not a soul could tell

That beneath its military style

You’re quite naked all the while

 

SEASON OF WITCH

 

When the werewolf’s howl

And vampires take to the wing

When the witches start to brew

And you hear the banshees sing

When the ghouls are on the move

And the ghosts can all be seen

Then that’s the time you know

That it’s the night of Halloween

TIS ON THE NIGHT OF HALLOWEEN

 

Tis on the night of Halloween

When ghosts and ghouls and things obscene

Arrive when our worlds come together unseen

And the souls and demons can pass between

A VAMPIRES TALE

 

When the sun has long set

At dead of night

I rise from my bed

And go out for a bite

 

Soon I am flying

On my vampire quest

Its fresh young necks

That I like the best

 

Though I am in no way

A connoisseur

And I would not turn down

Something more mature

 

Soon I find a subject

Ripe for the picking

And when I’ve supped

My lips I’m licking

 

Then I return fulfilled

To my dark domain

And sleep the clock around

Until I can sup again

TERROR THREAT

 

I wear a funny wig

My sister has a mask

We are well disguised

To go about our task

 

To have fun with our friends

Collecting Candy to eat

As we terrorise the neighbours

As we go “trick or treat”

YOU’RE NEVER TOO OLD FOR HALLOWEEN

 

It was a really spooky night

And I saw a very scary sight

We had been out “trick or treating”

And got home and started freaking

My parents were dressed as witches

Both were without their breeches

And my mum, not a natural blonde

Was playing with my father’s wand

GHOSTS AND GHOULS COME OUT

 

On Halloween, all hallows eve

Ghosts and ghouls come out

But not to do their evil work

They just want to stroll about

 

They can mix with the living

At this one time of the year

And not be discovered

Or cause screams of fear

 

They just mingle with fleshies

All through Halloween night

Enjoying the company

But are gone by first light

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Halloween stockings?

Beneath your long black coat

Are you suitably resplendent?

Will you really float my boat?

Are they risqué and shocking?

Will they easily get my vote?

It could mean a happy Halloween

For a certain horny old goat 

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN GARTERS?

 

Are you wearing Halloween garters?

Answer me that one for starters

Beneath your dress up high

Around your black clad thigh

Where the black sheath is stopping

Where they are lacy at the topping

Are there pagan garter rings

Sexily placed decorative things

Please answer this one for starters

Are you wearing Halloween garters?

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 7

If your blind date is described to you

As “a Poet” don’t go all romantic

Because it will be worse than it sounds

And they’ll be a depressive Schizophrenic 

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 269

 

A carrion crow sat on an oak,

A gallows tree, for a carrion crow,

“Soon I’m going to eat that bloke”

Said the carrion crow sat on the oak,

ARE YOU WEARING A MERKIN?

 

Are you wearing a merkin?

I’m sorry about the smirkin’

But to be quite honest Betty

It looked better on the yeti

IT HAPPENED LAST HALLOWEEN

I stepped out of the car

And was verbally assailed

As I stood upon my drive

 

“Trick or treat”

Came the banshee chorus

From creatures barely alive

 

I was taken aback

By this unprecedented event

This new tactic they’d contrived

 

In the past I had been safe

Behind locked doors

When the leaches arrive

 

But pretending not to be in

Would not cut it any more

If I was to survive

 

I must be as clever

As the candy seeking predators

And learn to duck and dive

 

So, when a firework went off

And their attention was distracted

I ran away to hide 

THE LITTLE CHILDREN SAY

 

The little children say

All cute and sweet

On all hallows eve

“Trick or treat”

 

The little pleading faces

Look up with innocence

Wide eyed angels

Full of malevolence

 

A cute kid you can trust

I haven’t met yet

And what they really mean

Is tricks and threats

THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

 

On all hallows eve when the sun has set

The ghosts and ghouls come out to play

With dripping fangs and bloody claws

They prowl the street in search of prey

And when to my door the fiends appear

I tell the “Trick or Treaters” to go away

TRICK OR TREAT

 

When the little boys and girls

Knock at my door for candy

I must give them what they want

“Or else” is their modus operandi

So, with a false smile I comply

But under my breath I pray

That by the time Christmas comes

They’ll all have tooth decay

THE COSTUMED ARMY

 

It’s here again

That day we all dread

When once more

We fear the rise of the dead

 

But fear not

Our salvation is at hand

We shall be saved

By an unlikely Band

 

So be assured

When the time is near

Ghosts and ghouls

Will all quake in fear

 

When night falls

All the undead will cower

Trembling in awe

Come the witching hour

 

As armed with sacks

Our great costumed army

Will roam the streets

To drive the evil spirits barmy

 

So, to protect yourselves

Keep a proper payment handy

When the costumed army

Come knocking for some candy

JACK O’LANTERN

 

Jack O’Lantern’s light

Gazing out into the night

In the window there

Staring out a scary stare

With your unsympathetic grin

And glowing orange skin

Are you there to keep the spirits out?

With your jagged leering mouth

Or is your gnarled and toothless grin

There to invite the evil in?

ARE YOU WEARING DEVILS HORNS?

Are you wearing devils’ horns?

Now I get one of those winks

You’re wearing the tail as well?

You naughty little minx

You are clearly more devilish

Than anyone else thinks

Is it because it’s Halloween

Or a few too many Drinks 

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN KNICKS?

 

Are you wearing Halloween knicks?

Proper novelty underwear

All festively decked down below

In a suitably seasonal pair

It doesn’t matter the decor

It will make an old man stare

Just you in your Halloween knickers

What wonderful Witching hour fare

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 6

 

If your blind date is described to you

As “a free spirit” you may fancy a frolic

But it will be far worse than it sounds

They’re either a drug addict or an alcoholic

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 268

 

There was a man lived in the moon,

And it was in July, and not in June

When the man who lived in the moon,

Found the Americans had come

ARE YOU WEARING GLITTER?

 

Are you wearing glitter?

On your down below

You’re all blinged up

Where only I should go

Your vajayjay been vajazzled

You’ve decked your minge

It looks like a disco ball

You might as well say blinge

TANGO’D

 

It is possible to have

Too much of a good thing

I feel I should say, though

I’m not sure where to begin

It involves the colour orange

i.e. too much fake tanning

So, unless it’s Halloween

Please don’t look like a pumpkin

ARE YOU WEARING A WITCH’S HAT?

 

Are you wearing a witch’s hat?

I don’t know what I think of that

I will just have to wait and see

If you decide to put a spell on me

I think it might be a thrill

If you were to bend me to your will

SHE COULD BEGUILE AND MESMERISE

She could beguile

And mesmerize

She could entrance

And hypnotize

She was a cunning

Thorny little bitch

She was also a stunning

Horny little Witch

ARE YOU WEARING A GHOULISH OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a ghoulish outfit?

It’s made from an old bed sheet isn’t it?

That could be useful when the fun begins

As it could cover a multitude of sins