WOMEN WILL DRESS UP TO GO SHOPPING

 

Women will dress up to go shopping

And for doing chores and errands too

Whereas Men will dress up for Weddings

And funerals, but only if they have to

DID YOU KNOW THE REASON WHY

 

Did you know the reason why

Unattached women go to Wimbledon

It’s because they were told

There was a men's singles event on

I THINK IT’S PROBABLY A MYTH

 

I think it’s probably a myth

Regarding multitasking women

Like the Loch Ness Monster or

Shy retiring used car salesmen

A WOMAN’S FAVOURITE WORD

 

A woman’s favourite word

When all said and done

Doesn’t have to be special

It just has to be the last one

I THINK GOOGLE IS A WOMAN

 

I think Google is a woman because

It won't let me finish my question

Or a sentence for that matter, before

It starts making other suggestions

ONE IN FOUR WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY

 

One in four women in this country

Are on meds for mental illness

So, the rest are running around

Undiagnosed more or less

THE GLASS CEILING HAS BEEN REMOVED

 

The glass ceiling has been removed

For the benefit of women everywhere

It’s a positive move long overdue

It was difficult to clean way up there

THE BEST YEARS OF A WOMAN'S LIFE

The best years of a woman's life

Are the ones she feels naughty

And it’s those ten special years

Between thirty-nine and forty

WISE OLD SAGE

 

It was previously said

By a very wise man

“I don’t know

Ask a woman”

MY MUM WENT TO THE SALON

 

My mum went to the salon

She was in there for hours

But she didn’t get a face pack

She was beyond their powers

IN ORDER TO DO GREAT THINGS

 

In order to do great things

A woman must inspire him

While simultaneously

Preventing his achieving them

SHE WAS A FORCE OF NATURE

 

When she was a young woman

She was a force of nature

But she is a force to be reckoned with

Now she is mature

TEMPERAMENTAL

 

Your temperament is no cause for alarm

At the end of the day no foul no harm

Being a crabby bitch is just part of your charm

WOMEN ARE NOT MOODY

 

Women are not moody

Not a bit of it

It’s just they have days

When, let’s face it

They are not prepared

To put up with the shit

FEMININE CONUNDRUM # 2

 

How is it that women can go through childbirth?

With all its inherent agony

Yet manage to scare themselves to death

At the sight of a dust bunny

FEMININE CONUNDRUM # 1

 

I will never understand women

How is it they can pour wax, molten

Onto their naked flesh and then to boot

Rip it off pulling out the hair by the root

And yet can by completely terrified by

A spider that’s even smaller than a fly

AN ACT OF VANDALISM

 

Applying a tattoo

On a beautiful woman’s skin

Is something akin

To drawing a moustache

On the Mona Lisa

Or a Chad on the ceiling

Of the Sistine chapel

The only things that can enhance

A woman’s beauty

Is a smile about her lips

And a glow upon her cheek

MULTITASKING MAIDENS

Women are supposedly very good at multitasking

Men are not, which allegedly is our biggest crime

But if women are truly capable of multitasking

Why can’t they have a headache and sex at the same time?

I AM THE WOMAN

 

When a door opens

And a siren enters the room

And every head turns

I am that woman

 

When the siren slinks

And you can hear a pin drop

As the mouths fall open

I am that woman

 

When the wives tut

And girlfriend’s whisper

And men’s eyes undress

I am that woman

 

When a mouth is just another orifice

And conversing eye to eye

Is really eye to breast

I am that woman

 

I am the woman

Oozing sexual desire

I am the woman

Men and women picture naked

I am the woman

They all want to possess

 

When you are valued

For what’s between your legs

Than between your ears

I am that woman

 

When you are called a whore

And treated like a slut

Viewed like a piece of meat

I am that woman

 

They call me tart

They call me siren,

They call me temptress

They call me vamp

 

I want to be called sweetheart

I want to be called darling

I want to be called mum

 

I am the woman

Considered to be desirable

I am the woman

That oozes sexuality

I am the woman

Who can have any man she chooses

I am the woman

Who wants to be chosen

By a man who can see me!

A BLOCKED VALVE

 

I have some information to impart

Why it is that men snore

When they lie on their backs

Is the time they do it more

It’s a simple case of physics

Because their dangly bits of genitalia

Hang down to block their anal orifice

Which in turn causes apnea