THE POSTPARTUM SEX

 

My wife gave birth today

And after thanking the doc

I sheepishly asked him

“When can have sex?”

He winked and said

“I’m off duty at ten”

PREGNANT PAUSE

 

My wife said “I’m Pregnant”

I smiled and replied “Hi pregnant,

I’m a Dad” then she was hesitant

Then said “No, you’re not Grant”

I HAD A FRIEND WHO VEHEMENTLY OPPOSED

 

I had a friend who vehemently opposed

All forms of parental discipline

Which was all well and good until she snapped

And put her son in a rubbish bin

I DON’T THINK ANY OF US CAN JUDGE IMMATURITY

 

I don’t think any of us can judge immaturity,

It’s from parenthood some prejudices stem

So, no one should be prevented from having kids,

But most shouldn’t be allowed to name them

THE GREAT PART ABOUT PARENTHOOD

 

The great part about parenthood

Is naming the kids something favorable

While not having to add numbers

To make sure the name was available

EVERY CHILD WILL AT SOME TIME

 

Every child will at some time

Threaten to run away

And that hope keeps parents

Going day to day

TINY THING

 

Tiny thing

A new baby

Totally dependent

A new life

That new Parents

Have to keep alive

Like a Tamagotchi

But without a reset

I HEAR A SINGING CHILD

 

I hear a singing child

Innocently engrossed

In childish play

Singing sweetly

To her audience of dolls

Safely oblivious

In her enchanted world

Would that it could

Always be that way

BLOOD MAY WELL BE THICKER THAN WATER

 

Blood may well be thicker than water

But to a son or daughter

When it comes to Parenthood

This should be understood

There’s more to it you see

What makes a parent is proximity

YOU SHOULD NEVER RAISE YOUR HANDS TO YOUR KIDS

 

You should never raise

Your hands to your children

And for that, there

Is a very good reason

Not that I’m saying

They shouldn’t be corrected

But you must never

Leave your nuts unprotected

WHEN THE CHILDREN WERE YOUNG

 

When the children were young

They just gave me a headache

Now that they’re older

They are more of a heartache

WHO LOVES US?

 

Who loves us without condition?

Who loves us in their admonition?

Who loves us despite the dirt?

Who do we go to when we’re hurt?

Who shares in all our joys?

Who buys us the best toys?

Who keeps us warm and fed?

Who would prefer a puppy instead?

Who cheers us up when we’re sad?

Who else but mum and dad

ON THE NAMING OF A CHILD

 

On the naming of a child

Certain protocols should be followed by the registrar

Protocol one

If the chosen name is Rainbow or Honey dew

Then firstly the parents should be slapped

And given a book containing sensible names

This process should be repeated until a sensible choice is made

Protocol Two

If the chosen name is Chardonnay or Champagne

Then firstly the parents should be slapped

And a large group of people should be assembled to laugh at them

The parents should then be given a dictionary

To look up the definitions of the names that they chose

This process should also be repeated until a sensible choice is made

Protocol Three

If the chosen name is Moonflower or Gallifrey

Then firstly the parents should be slapped

And the child should be immediately taken into care

Then the parents should be put in the stocks

So sensible people can throw rotten fruit at them

Before finally being committed to an institution

 

PS – Should it ever be deemed that they have been cured

They should be sterilised before release

And their names entered on the pretentious parents register

 

PPS - Anyone from Cardiff, The Wirral, Norfolk, Suffolk or Essex will inevitably

Name the child after a piece of fruit, a place they have visited

The name of their favourite car or a product from a supermarket

As a result, these people should not be trusted to name their children.

Registrars must name the children for them

In the same way that Hurricanes and tropical storms are named

If they complain go straight to Protocol three

THE FAMILY WAY

 

I loved her right from the start

Willingly gave her all my heart

And when she walked down the aisle

I could do nothing at all but smile

 

When we moved into our flat

I thought to myself, that was that

Once we had our home together

We would just grow old together

 

Then I saw the pregnancy tester

When she had reached the first Trimester

And then came another level of joy

We would have a little girl of boy

 

Now I may have tended to fuss

My devotion may have been uxorious

But she was all important in my life

So, I fussed around my primiparous wife

 

And when the great day finally came

We still hadn’t even settled on a name

But our daughter blessed our union

And I had two loves to dote upon

I HAVE A LOVELY SON

 

I have a lovely son

He is my number one

He won’t be an only child

I hope for another one

But he is our first born

When all said and done

I won’t love him anymore

But he’ll always be number one

I HAD A FRIEND WHO VEHEMENTLY OPPOSED

 

I had a friend who vehemently opposed

All forms of parental discipline

Which was all well and good until she snapped

And put her son in a rubbish bin

MY MOTHER MADE US EAT

 

My mother made us eat

Supplements every day

One time I nearly choked

On the Mail on Sunday

THE GREAT PART ABOUT PARENTHOOD

 

The great part about parenthood

Is naming the kids something favorable

While not having to add numbers

To make sure the name was available

I DON’T THINK ANY OF US CAN JUDGE IMMATURITY

 

I don’t think any of us can judge immaturity,

It’s from parenthood some prejudices stem

So no one should be prevented from having kids,

But most shouldn’t be allowed to name them

MUM ALWAYS WASHED MY HAIR IN AUSSIE BEER

 

Mum always washed my hair in Aussie beer

And at the time I wasn’t bothered

It wasn't until many years later I discovered

That I had in fact been Fostered