As an iconic film Heroine
Livvie graced the silver
screen
And in Tinsel Towns
heyday
She was a Hollywood
queen
But Olivia Mary de
Havilland
Was born in Tokyo
Japan
And aged one hundred
and four
She passed away as a
Parisian
Star of the celluloid
firmament
Is now a star in
heaven
July 1st 1916 to July
25th 2020
Giving kids a bad name
Is one of life’s absurdities
But those who really
give kids
A bad name are,
celebrities
When she returned home, she said
She had been sleeping
under the stars
Which meant, she’d
been having sex
With celebrities that she met in bars
I spoke to Diana Ross
Several times on the
mobile
But I didn’t want her
Dyno-Rod was what I
dialled
A man in love is incomplete
Until he is married
According Zsa Zsa Gabor
And then he’s finished
Lily Tomlin always
Wanted to be somebody
She could have been
More specific probably
A paraphrasing of one
of the great Lily Tomlin’s gags
The Cillit Bang guy is
Punting it
out here and there
So is Barry
Scott now
A soap scum
millionaire
The poetic Pam Ayres
Wrote verse
with a gag
And I think
she looks
Like Benny
Hill in drag
A contagion struck down
Quentin
Tarantino
Now he’s in
the hospital
In a tent
in quarantino
Posh and Becks lookalikes
Could be
their twin
But they go
by the name
Of Thick
and Thin
Horsey Claire Balding
Is always with a nag
I think she looks like
Stephen Fry in drag
I struggle with certain actors
When giving cinematic
recitals
Like De Niro and
Pacino
They should come with
subtitles
I can’t watch Sylvester Stallone
I find his speech very
distracting
He was clearly a graduate
Of the Mumbling school
of acting
When the tragic death
Was announced on the
news
Of the Oscar winning
actor
My wife didn’t have a
clue
Which prompted her to
say
Philip Seymour who?
I can’t watch Christopher Eccleston
I find his speech very
distracting
He was clearly a
graduate
Of the shouty school of acting
Cheryl Cole like other celebs
Feels she’d like to do
her bit
And she wants to fight
Malaria
Because you’re worth
it
When they told Cheryl Cole
That she had la fièvre
malerial
She just thought it must
be
A new product from
L’Oreal
My children can never forgive
That interfering Jamie
Oliver
For bring about the
early demise
Of their favourite
Turkey Twizzler
I don’t go on Twitter
To follow celebrity
chatter
I find them
contemptible
They should rename it
Twatter
