21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 361

 

A Frog he went a courting,

Well, it’s not like he has

Anything else to do since

He lost the French Presidency

THANK GOD IT’S FEBRUARY

 

Thank God it’s February

And the month of January

Is now just a memory

And thank God for Salary

ARE YOU WEARING MORMON GARMENTS?

 

Are you wearing Mormon garments?

The ones like cool white milk

Are they supposed to be sacred?

Or something of that ilk

Or to preserve your modesty

In sensual soft shimmering silk

THE PLURAL OF FOOT

 

So if it is correct that

The plural of foot is feet

Then why is the plural of boot,

Boots and not beet

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 2

 

It is a sad fact of life that if

There is a worse time, when

Something can go wrong

Of course it will happen then

FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 2

Friend’s first, then soul mates

Then we spoke of wedlock

Now our souls are intertwined

Since we joined in holy deadlock

THE EXITED STATES OF AMERICA

 The exited states of America

Have an upcoming election

And a Trump victory will make

The United States of aggression

A CONFUSED SPERM ASKED FOR DIRECTIONS

 

A confused sperm asked for directions

Not really a masculine trait

But he asked and was told

Oh, I wouldn’t start from here mate

THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 2

 

That's political correctness that is

When my little neighbour Allen

A short ass with a chip on his shoulder

Is actually vertically challenged

MY WIFE DROVE HER FIRST HUSBAND

My wife drove her first husband

To shoot himself in despair

But she only drove her second

To the bottom of a bottle to be fair

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 360

There they go round the mulberry bush,

Showing there bush,

Showing there bush,

There they go round the mulberry bush,

On a cold and frosty morning.

ARE YOU WEARING SILK DRAWERS?

 

Are you wearing silk drawers?

I only ask you as I can see

That you appear to be the victim

Of an elastic deficiency

And if you combine that

With the force of gravity 

They are around your ankles

You may think it a catastrophe

But I would beg to differ

For me it’s just serendipity

THE PLURAL OF MAN

 

So, if it is correct that

The plural of man is men

Then why is the plural of pan,

Pans and not pen

IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 3

 

If clergymen can be defrocked

Can a promoter be demoted?

Should writers be described?

And musicians be denoted?

I QUIT MY JOB AT THE REFINERY

 

I quit my job at the refinery

In the helium gas zone

It was a good job but I refused

To be spoken to in that tone

SHOTS WERE FIRED AT THE CHOIR

 

Shots were fired at the choir

Which has affected morale

The Arizona News called it

“Gunfight at the Ok Chorale”

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 1

 

It is a sad fact of life that if

Several things can go to cock,

The one to be befall you

Will cause the most shock

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO SUBSTITUTION

 

There is absolutely no substitution

Or for that matter an easy solution

For a genuine lack of preparation

FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 1

Friend’s first, then soul mates

Then we spoke of wedlock

Now our souls are intertwined

Since we joined in holy padlock

MY BROTHER IN LAW IS FROM STRATFORD

 

My brother-in-law is from Stratford

He went to Shakespeare's school

No of course he didn’t know him

He was in the year above you fool

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 359

 

Hickory, dickory, dock

The mouse ran up the clock

Which was unusual to find

A rodent interested

In chronometry

ARE YOU WEARING AN UNDERSKIRT?

 

Are you wearing an underskirt?

I can see it beneath your hem

Oh, its imported silk, is it?

Oh yes of course I like them

THE PLURAL OF GOOSE

 

So, if it is correct that

The plural of goose is geese

Then why isn’t the plural

Of moose, meese

IF LAWYERS CAN BE DISBARRED # 2

 

If Lawyers can be disbarred

Can dustmen be well disposed?

Or can tour guides be detoured

And must models be deposed?

I MADE MY GIRL BIMBETTE

 

I made my girl Bimbette

Really laugh on Saturday

The only problem is I told

Her the joke on Wednesday

MEN LIKE LOGIC AND SEX

 

Men like logic and sex

In fact, they really like it

But sex better than logic

Though I can't prove it

PUT DOWN # 59

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

If he says “you are the sun and the moon”

Simply don’t be taken in by it

And just say “I may love to shop

But I'm not buying your bullshit”

BIMBETTE SAYS SHE CAN COUNT TO SEVENTY

 

Bimbette says she can count to seventy

But I think that’s very doubtful

Because in my experience she always

Finds sixty-nine a bit of a mouthful

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 2

My son jokes about my age

He is always making light

He says when I was a boy

Rainbows were black and white 

THE SEX WAS SO GOOD LAST NIGHT

 

The sex was so good last night

With my girlfriend Bimbette

That after it was over even

The neighbours had a cigarette.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 358

 

Hey diddle diddle

Someone’s on the fiddle

It will probably be

Another celebrity

Not paying their tax

ARE YOU WEARING A PETTICOAT?

 

Are you wearing a petticoat?

Are they were still in vogue?

That’s delightful apparel

For a lascivious old rogue

THE PLURAL OF MOUSE

 

So, if it is correct that

The plural of mouse is mice

Then why is the plural of house

Houses and not hice

IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 2

 

If clergymen can be defrocked

Then can dry cleaners get de-pressed

Or must songwriters be de-composed

And hair stylists get dis-tressed?

IF LAWYERS CAN BE DISBARRED # 1

 

If Lawyers can be disbarred

then will fishermen be debated?

Will magicians be disillusioned?

And politicians denominated?

WHEN THE PRINCESS FOUND THE FROG

 

When the princess found the frog

And the kiss was firmly planted

The prince turned out to be gay

And the Princess was disenchanted

PUT DOWN # 58

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

If he falters and flirts with you

He is only flattering to deceive

So, ignore him, but if he persists ask

“If I throw a stick, will you leave?”

BIMBETTE IS NOT THE BRIGHTEST

 

Bimbette is not the brightest

And living with her is very hard

In fact, she’s the reason

The gene pool needs a lifeguard

SOME PEOPLE ARE UP BEAT

 

Some people are up beat

And see life as a positive

But I was born to be a pessimist

Even my blood type is B Negative

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 1

 

My son jokes about my age

His humour is very droll

He says that my first passport

Was written on a scroll

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 357

 

Did you ever see a lassie?

A lassie, a lassie?

I’m not sure terms of endearment

Of that kind are strictly PC

ARE YOU WEARING AN UNDERSLIP?

 

Are you wearing an underslip?

Are you really by thunder

Would you like to slip out of it

Or should I just slip under

IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 2

 

If a pair is a twosome

And a trio is a threesome

A quartet, a foursome

Then a solo is a lonesome

A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED MAN

A vertically challenged man

Went to see his GP

Without an appointment

And he was told at reception

That the doctor would see him

But he’d have to be a little patient

MY WIFE WAS IN THE BATHROOM

 

My wife was in the bathroom

When I suddenly heard her shout

She had rubbed on hand cream

And couldn’t turn the knob to get out

THE PLURAL OF BOX

 

So, if it is correct that

The plural of box is boxes

Then why is the plural of ox

Oxen and not Oxes

THE HOUSE MOUSE RULE

 

If in your home sweet home

You find a solitary mouse

Then it is perfectly acceptable

To call it a house mouse

But if in your home sweet home

You find that you have mice

Then it is quite unacceptable

To refer to them as hice mice

IF THE MASCULINE PRONOUNS

 

If the masculine pronouns

Are he, his and him

Why then is it the feminine

Are not she, shis and shim

FOGHORN LEGHORN LE ROOSTER

 

Foghorn Leghorn Le Rooster

Crossed a busy Parisian Rue

Because he had something

Important to cockadoodle dooo

CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 1

If clergymen can be defrocked

And lawyers be disbarred

Then that must mean that

Tree surgeons can be debarked

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 356

 

Cock a doodle do!

The master's lost his fiddlestick?

And I don’t even think

I want to know what that is

ARE YOU WEARING A REUNION BADGE?

Are you wearing a reunion badge?

No wonder you look depressed,

Steer clear of the class reunion

It will just leave you distressed

I know it was a bit of fun looking

At the old school year books

But going will just make you feel

Older than everyone else looks

I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED

 

I have always believed

That it’s quite absurd

That “abbreviation”

Is such a long word

THE SMELL OF BOOKS

 

I think that the people who say they

Love the smell of books are jerks

Because it’s perfectly clear they

Don’t know how reading books works

FORTUNE COOKIE

 

When you’ve finished your dinner

A fortune cookie would suit yer

But if there is no fortune in it

That means you don’t have a future

THE INVENTOR OF THE ALLEN KEY

 

The inventor of the Allen key

Made nothing off it

Despite the fact that

It certainly turned a profit

IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 1

 

If a pair is a twosome

And a trio is a threesome

A quartet, a foursome

Then solo is a handsome

I VISIT MY GRANDAD REGULARLY

 

I visit my grandad regularly

Even though he’s a little daft

He has the windows open when

He makes me play draughts

APPARENTLY A GOOD COMPOST HEAP SHOULD

 

Apparently, a good compost heap should

Get hot enough to poach an egg on it,

But not so hot it would cook a lobster

Well poached or not I am not eating it 

MY HUSBAND IS LIKE A PETROL MOWER

My husband is like a petrol mower

Although he is considerably slower

They are both difficult to get started

Emit foul smells when they’ve farted

And are normally caked in grime

And they only work half the time

I'M A GARDENER AND I'M OK

I'm a gardener and I'm ok

I sleep in the allotment shed all day

I dress in comfy clothing,

That my wife would throw away

Oh I'm happy on the allotment

As I’m not in her way

 

(Sung to the tune of Monty Python's “I'm a Lumberjack”)  

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 355

 

Cock a doodle do!

The maid has lost her shoe,

And that’s not the only thing

She lost in the barn

DETECTIVE FOGHORN LEGHORN

Detective Foghorn Leghorn

Was called to a crime scene today

To investigate the death

Of a Turkey, he suspects fowl play

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF CONTEMPT?

 

Are you wearing a look of contempt?

After my ham-fisted clumsy attempt

Clearly, I can indeed see that you are

After failing to unhook that bloody bra

PROBLEMS ARE ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE

 

Problems are all about perspective

One of those “cup half full” affairs

So, Escalators don't break down

They just magically turn into stairs.

SOME OF US LEARN FROM

 

Some of us learn from

The mistakes of others

The rest of us are destined

To be the others

I HATE PEOPLE WHO USE BIG WORDS

 

I hate people who use big words

I think it’s pretentious

And they only do it to make

Themselves look perspicacious

MANY MODERN HOMES NOW

 

Many modern homes now

Have a panic room in it

But to my two daughters

And my dear wife Brigit

Any room is a panic room

When they’ve lost a phone in it

ONE OF LIFE’S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

 

One of life’s universal truths

Is not really much of a surprise

But behind every great man

There’s a woman rolling her eyes

THE WAITRESS ASKED “DO YOU HAVE

 

The waitress asked “Do you have

Any questions about the menu?”

My brother-in-law replied

“Is this font courier new?”

THERE IS A SIMPLE TRUTH IN LIFE

 

There is a simple truth in life

And it’s an honest admission

It is much easier to apologize

Than it is to ask permission

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 354

Bye, baby Bunting,

Daddy’s gone a-hunting,

Well, he’s gone to the meat counter

At the local Sainsbury’s

BURNS NIGHT SUPPER

 

With Haggis, Tatties and Nips

The Scots celebrate Burns night

They pipe it in with Bagpipes

And that’s really not right

What the hell is wrong with them

I thought they actually liked him

IN THE BURNS NIGHT RAFFLE

 

In the Burns Night Raffle, first prize

Was very highly sought after

For it allowed the winner to pass

On the haggis at the Burns Night Supper

ARE YOU WEARING A CRUCIFIX?

 

Are you wearing a crucifix?

Is it God’s grace you are appeasing?

Is it a symbol of your devotion?

Or is it just aesthetically pleasing

Are you a good Christian girl?

Or are you taunting and teasing

Well by that look in your eye

I think you’re up for a squeezing

I HAVE A PHOBIA ABOUT FLYING

 

I have a phobia about flying

And I won’t fly Virgin, no way

After all why use an airline

That doesn’t go all the way?

YOU SHOULD NEVER GET BACK

 

You should never get back

Together with an old flame

It’s like having a garage sale

And buying your stuff back again

NEW EVIDENCE INDICATES THAT WOMEN

 

New evidence indicates that women

Who carry a little extra weight

Will live considerably longer

Than the men who mention it mate

IF I HAD A POUND FOR EACH AND EVERY GIRL

 

If I had a pound for each and every girl

That said that they found me unattractive,

It would increase my worth eventually

And then they would find me attractive

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT ALCOHOL

 

I always thought that alcohol

Made me funnier, smarter, oh

And a much better dancer

But then I saw myself on video

IF I’M SMILING, I'M THINKING

 

If I’m smiling, I'm thinking

Of doing something naughty

If you see me laughing, its

Because I've done it already

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 353

 

Bobby Shafto's gone to sea

Sailing away consumed with glee

To escape the Child Support Agency

ARE YOU WEARING BREAST TIGHTENING SERUM?

 

Are you wearing breast tightening serum?

No of course there is no disgrace

But I do think I should point out

That you don’t put it on your face

SENTIMENTALITY

 

The man lived with a wife

Who was overly sentimental

And after many years of marriage

It finally sent him mental

MY YOUNG SON JUSTIN WAS KNOCKED OUT

 

My young son Justin was knocked out

Of the latest school’s spelling bee bout

Armageddon was the word that did it

But hey it’s not the end of the world is it

ALL ABOUT RACIST SEAFOOD

 

I saw something shocking

On one of those nature programs

All about racist seafood

They were the Ku Klux Clams

THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE

 

The grass is not greener on the other side

Of the fence, that’s what they tell me

But what if they’re wrong about that

And you never actually take a look and see

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SOMEBODY

 

I always wanted to be somebody,

Which proved to be impolitic

Because I realize that maybe

I should have been more specific.

DYSLEXIC, AGNOSTIC, INSOMNIAC

 

Dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac

His traits were a catalogue

And he stayed up all night

Deciding if there really is a dog

DR. PEPPER IS A DR.

 

Dr. Pepper is a Dr.

That’s the twist

But what kind,

I guess he’s a fizzicist

A YOUNG MAN GOT MUGGED

 

A young man got mugged

By a magician last year

He took a wallet, a watch,

And the coin from behind his ear

THE AIRPLANE WAS INVENTED

 

The Airplane was invented

By an optimist

While the parachute was

Invented by a pessimist

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 352

 

Three wise men of Gotham

This is something of a choker

When it turns out that they are

Penguin, Riddler and the joker

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 6

 

We went all-inclusive and booked

A day out to a water park, with flumes

But no-one thought to tell us we needed

To take our own swimming costumes

WHY DID THE ADULTERER CROSS THE ROAD?

 

Why did the adulterer cross the road?

Well not just to get to the other side

The reason he wanted to cross over

Was so he could get to another man’s bride

ARE YOU WEARING SEVEN INCH HEELS?

 

Are you wearing seven-inch heels?

As you’re tottering down the street

But don’t you feel silly standing

Six foot two in your stocking feet

A DOCTOR POINTED OUT

 

A Doctor pointed out a piece of lettuce

That protruded from the patient’s ear

And added that it might be serious

As it could be the tip of the iceberg

BREAK A LEG

 

Telling actors to “Break a leg”

Is a tradition from long past

And the reason for it is this

Actors like to be in a good cast

WEEDS AND FLOWERS

 

The difference between

Weeds and flowers

Is without a doubt

That the garden weeds

Are the most difficult

By far to pull out

VICTORIA WOOD 1953-2016

 

I’ve always thought

The word overused

But Victoria Wood

Really was a genius.

But there is darkness

Where once a light shone

The bright light

Of an enduring star

Which is now extinguished.

But not in our hearts

For there she burns still

As her laughter always will

VICTORIA WOOD A TRUE TALENT

 

If I have to pick just one Gem

From her creative canon

Then “The Ballad of Barry and Freda”

Would have to be the one

The pace and delivery of wit

Hits you like a comic volley

Like “Bend me over backwards

On me Hostess trolley”

Great Humour filled lines

Delivered oh so sleekly

Like “Beat me on the bottom

With a Woman’s weekly”

Or “Come and melt the buttons

On me flameproof nightie”

I can picture her singing it

To St P and God almighty

FOR THE BARGAIN PRICE OF A FIRST CLASS STAMP

 

For the bargain price of a first-class stamp

You can trust a letter to the post master.

But it won’t be delivered the next day

And second class won’t arrive the day after

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 351

 

One, two, buckle my shoe

Three, four, open the door

Five, six, cocktail sticks

Seven, eight, in a bit of a state

Nine, ten, pissed again

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 5

 

We requested a twin bed room

But we ended up with a king size

As a result, my wife is pregnant

So that was a nice holiday surprise

WHY DID THE BACHELOR CROSS THE ROAD?

 

Why did the bachelor cross the road?

Well not just to get to the other side

The reason he wanted to cross over

Was so he could avoid finding a bride

ARE YOU WEARING A CHAPEAU?

 

Are you wearing a chapeau?

That’s the French for hat you know?

Well, you look quite sweet I must say

Though I’m not a huge fan of the beret

And the rather limp looking overcoat

It isn’t really what you’d call haute

But I need to find a condom dispenser

Because I have a thing for Frank Spencer

A ROYAL WARRANT

 

In order for a Baker to get

A Royal warrant, it is said

They need to be like many

Royals and be inter-bred

THE BORDER AGENCY ARE STRUGGLING

 

The border agency are struggling

To prevent mosquitos from getting in

They’re very cunning creatures

Who all claim to be Asylum Zika’s

OUR NEIGHBOURS ARE ORGANIC DAIRY FARMERS

Our neighbours are organic dairy farmers

With special diets and all that ilk

N’owt good ever came of pampering cows

And all you’ll ever get is spoilt milk

NOBEL PRIZE’S

They give Nobel Prize’s for anything now

And the latest recipient has been revealed

The winner is a scarecrow of all things

Mind you he is outstanding in his field 

IT RAINS IN ENGLAND

England has a reputation for being wet

And it’s a well-deserved one I fear

And the simple reason for that is that

The Queen has reigned so many years 

IN THE VEGETABLE WORLD

In the vegetable world, the posh potatoes

Never listen to football on the radio

There is nothing they dislike greater

Than the sound of a Common-tater

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 350

 

On top of Old Smoky,

All covered with snow

The great sleeping giant

Was ready to blow

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 4

When we were on holiday

We went swimming in the sea

No-one said there would be fish

The kids found it very scary 

WHY DID THE DIVORCEE CROSS THE ROAD?

 

Why did the divorcee cross the road?

Well not just to get to the other side

The reason he wanted to cross over

Was so he could avoid another bride

ARE YOU WEARING LACE GARTERS?

 

Are you wearing lace garters?

Answer me that one for starters

Beneath your dress up high

Around your black clad thigh

Where the black sheath is stopping

Where they are lacy at the topping

Are there lacy garter rings

Sexily placed decorative things

Please answer this one for starters

Are you wearing lacy garters?

A TODDLER STARTS CHEWING ON A SLUG

 

A toddler starts chewing on a slug

As mum looks on and squirms

But she asked what it tasted like

And the toddler replied “Worms”

A WEED IS A PLANT THAT HAS SIMPLY MASTERED

 

A weed is a plant that has simply mastered

Every survival skill in the way it grows

But with all its hardy guile and cunning

They haven’t yet learned to grow in rows

A MAN WAS LEFT MENTALLY SCARRED

A man was left mentally scarred

After swinging from trees in his yard

When a branch snagged on his leotard

So, he was hoisted on his own petard

I’M A REALLY RUBBISH GARDENER

 

I’m a really rubbish gardener

I find it all a bit of a chore

If only I was better outside

At simple horticulture

And grow stuff in the garden

Like I do in the refrigerator

THE WAY TO GARDEN EFFECTIVELY

 

To garden effectively, firstly, put on a hat

But be very careful, and choose the right one

Straw preferably, and it should have a

Wide brim to protect you from the sun

Some old clothes, but nothing too scruffy 

It should be a stylish yet practical rig

And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink

In the other, tell somebody else where to dig

TO A GARDENER

 

To a gardener,

A grassed over area

Is just a flowerbed

That has yet to appear

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 349

 

Little Miss Muffet

Sat on a tuffet

Eating of curds and whey;

And if you ever wondered

What a tuffet is

You’ll find them on Ebay

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 3

 

Topless sunbathing on the beach

Should be universally banned

My husband finds it distracting

And can’t relax as he planned

WHY DID THE BIGAMIST CROSS THE ROAD?

 

Why did the bigamist cross the road?

Well not just to get to the other side

The reason he wanted to cross over

Was so he could get to the other bride

ARE YOU WEARING A POLICEMAN’S HAT?

 

Are you wearing a policeman’s hat?

And you don’t get fed up with that

When they ask about your bobby’s hat

“Does your head reach the top of that?”

BONSAI GRANDAD

 

My grandfather became such

A successful bonsai grower

He had to move to a house

Where the garden was smaller

THE MELONS ARE HAVING A BIG WEDDING

 

The Melons are having a big wedding

“Hello magazine” have the scoop

However, they don’t really want

A big affair but they cantaloupe

THE SIMPLE RED ROSE WAS ONCE

 

The simple red rose was once

The emblem of the English

But alas it has been replaced.

In England by the satellite dish

GARDENING RULE

 

If you can’t tell the difference

Between a plant and weed

Then learn by pulling one up

That’s the best way to proceed

And if it comes out quite easily

Then the other one is the weed

SHEER EXTRAVAGANCE

 

A husband pays five hundred pounds

To get his wife a sheer negligée

So, she thought she should pose for him

As it was a lot of money to pay

But decided to pretend to wear the item

And then next day get a refund on it

He looked on wide eyed and said

“For the price they could have ironed it”

THE MOST POPULAR NUDISTS

The most popular man in a nudist colony

Can carry 2 large coffees and twelve donuts

The most popular woman in a nudist colony

Is the one who can eat the last two donuts

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 348

 

Girls and boys, come out to play

The moon doth shine as bright as day

They drink whatever is plentiful and cheap

And end up legless in the street

REVEREND FOGHORN LEGHORN

 

Reverend Foghorn Leghorn

Has done his reputation damage

When he was ejected from church

For using fowl language

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 2

 

We had a terrible holiday

It was ruined by drunken pests

Our tour operator should have

Warned us of noisy unruly guests

WHY DID THE FUGITIVE CROSS THE ROAD?

 

Why did the fugitive cross the road?

Well not just to get to the other side

The reason he wanted to cross over

Was so he could find somewhere to hide

ARE YOU WEARING WINKLE PICKERS?

 

Are you wearing winkle pickers?

And you don’t mind the snickers?

And when they ask it doesn’t offend?

“Do your toes go right to the end?”

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE REACHED

You know you have reached

The end of your childhood

When knock down ginger is bad

And afternoon naps are good

THE SIMPLE DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE

 

The simple definition of marriage

I think you should understand

Is that one person is always right

And the other one is the husband

I WAS LITTLE MORE THAN A LAD

 

I was little more than a lad

And my hometown lay behind me

But I didn’t walk the road

As a lad for very long,

I quickly became a man

So I walked for many years

And for many miles

In country and in town

Working in the sweet-smelling fields

And the foul odorous cities

But I wandered tall and proud

Now the road lead me home

And the path breathes life

Into my wistful heart

THE RUSSIAN AIRFORCE ARE DROPPING

 

The Russian Airforce are dropping

Amazon bombs on Syria

They are so called as they keep

Being left with a neighbour

WHEN I HAD MY VERY FIRST GARDEN

 

When I had my very first garden

It filled me with absolute terror

I didn’t have any experience

But I learnt by trowel and error

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 347

 

Georgie Porgie, Puddin' and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry

Until the day that it came to be

He was investigated by Yew Tee

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 1

 

We went on a self-catering

Luxury break in Bognor  

But the fully equipped kitchen

Didn’t have an egg separator

WHY DID THE VOYEUR CROSS THE ROAD?

 

Why did the voyeur cross the road?

Well not just to get to the other side

The reason he wanted to cross over

Was so he could find somewhere to hide

FOGHORN LEGHORN’S WIFE ONLY LAID

 

Foghorn Leghorn’s wife only laid

Her eggs in the winter or fall

But that made sense, as she was

No Spring Chicken after all

THERE IS AN OWL OF LOW MORALS

 

There is an Owl of low morals

That frequents our park

And subsequently it doesn’t

Give a hoot after dark

AMONG ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN

 

Among abominable snowmen

There is a virgin called Betty

And to all her kith and kin

She is known as a not Yeti

ARE YOU WEARING A RED CHAPEAU?

 

Are you wearing a red chapeau?

It’s a very daring choice of yours

Because wearing a red chapeau

They’ll say red hat and no drawers

JOYS OF A CHILDHOOD LOST

 

We virtually lived outside

Me and my friends

On long summer adventures

Until the days ends

But we weren’t just

The fair weather sort

We played outside even

When days were short

Rolling around in piles

Of autumn leaves of gold

Splashing through puddles

Despite being told

Playing imaginary games

About being lost in the fog
running through the woods

Chasing the dog.

In winter when Saturday came

Then off we’d go

With luck we’d wake

To find a fresh fall of snow

Then we’d happily sledge

Across the snowy land

Or build a snowman

Till we can’t feel our hands

Hours pass in minutes

As we’d happily roam

But despite the cold

We didn’t rush to get home

When we did we crunched

Through the crisp winter frost

Those were the joys

Of a childhood lost

PICKUP # 16

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Say to her “If I follow you home

Tonight, it’s not as it seems

I was just brought up to

Follow my dreams"

SIT DOWN IN THE MEADOW

 

Sit down in the meadow

And we will bill and coo

We will choose a perfect spot

But please be careful do

Oh, dear that was thoughtless

I did suggest you take care

It was rather ill considered

For you to sit down there

As if you lift your buttock up

You’ll see you squashed

A perfect patch of buttercup

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 346

 

As I was going by Charing Cross

The station was closed of course

And a sign said outside of the station

A replacement bus service is in operation

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 12

 

The beach was right outside the hotel

Which I suppose was alright

But is wasn’t much like the brochure

The sand was yellow not white

WHY DID THE PHILANDERER CROSS THE ROAD?

 

Why did the philanderer cross the road?

Well not just to get to the other side

The reason he wanted to cross over

Was so he could get to another man’s bride

ARE YOU WEARING LEGGINGS?

 

Are you wearing leggings?

That are baggy ‘round the knees’

As I can’t see them for myself

Can I have more details please?

I TOLD MY DAD

 

I told my dad “I want to be

A fortune teller init”

He said “Don’t be daft son

There’s no future in it”

WE LOVE YOU STREET ANGELS

 

They are a constant about the place 

They are the friendly face

Revellers stop on their merry way

And invariably they will say

As they lean at precarious angles

"We love you strangles"

TA TA TOGMEISTER

 

I woke up with Wogan,

With 8 million others

I even contributed in a small way

Like many sisters and brothers

 

And when he was usurped

By the upstart Evans

Anton Deck and I

Shook a fist to the heavens

 

When I woke to the news

Of the Togmeisters demise

A lump filled my throat

And tears filled my eyes

 

With his warm easy manner

Friendly, witty and clever

He has a new audience now

And I will be a TOG forever

WE USED TO HAVE AN OWL

 

We used to have an Owl

He was really cute

But he had low self esteem

So didn’t give a hoot

THE STREET ANGELS HAVE TROD THE PATH

 

The Street Angels have trod the path

For Five years on Woking’s streets

Armed only with Gods light

And their calming influence

They are Not preachers of the word

Nor are they there to evangelise

They are the doers of deeds

The holders of hands

And the wipers of tears

They are a friendly face in the dark

Or a soothing word in the confusion

A conduit to common sense

The Angels do not judge

Nor are they there to chastise

Angels listen with sympathetic ears

And speak in a voice of pleasant reason

They give up their time

For the lost and the vulnerable

And the over enthusiastic revellers

Until the last club closes.

The Street Angels

Do not police the streets

But they do tread the path

And they are part of the peace

DONATIONS TO SPERM BANKS

 

Donations to Sperm Banks

In the UK are in decline 

Because most people today

Do their banking online

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 345

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

But what I really want to know is how

He got up there in the first place

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 11

 

The golden beach was outside the hotel

Which was really handy

But although it looked like the brochure

The beach was too sandy