I BOUGHT THE WORLD'S WORST THESAURUS

 

I bought the world's worst thesaurus

And it’s irredeemable.

But it really is the worst

But not only is it terrible, it's terrible

A THESAURUS IS PRECIOUS

 

A thesaurus is precious

There’s no doubt about it

A thesaurus is great

There's no other word for it

A LEXICON HAS A DRUG PROBLEM

 

A Lexicon has a drug problem

And is facing a disciplinary

For persistently failing screening

And he was declared addictionary

I APPROACHED THE WOMAN IN THE BOOKSHOP

 

I approached the woman in the bookshop

“I want a book on Turtles” I told her

And she responded “Hardback?"

“Well obviously they’re hardback, duh”

I’VE ALWAYS BEEN AN AVID READER # 2

 

I’ve always been an avid reader

I like books about distant Galaxies

I can’t put down the current one

It’s a great book about antigravity

I’VE ALWAYS BEEN AN AVID READER # 1

 

I’ve always been an avid reader

Mystery books are my favourite

But then every novel is a mystery

If you never manage to finish it

THERE’S A GREAT VOLUME I’M READING

 

There’s a great volume I’m reading

About Japanese Sword-Fighting,

It’s quite a detailed manuscript

Would you like me to samuraise it?

THE SMELL OF BOOKS

 

I think that the people who say they

Love the smell of books are jerks

Because it’s perfectly clear they

Don’t know how reading books works

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 3

 

Is there anything more annoying? As when

You want to use a word but can’t spell it

And fail to look it up in the dictionary

Because you don't know how to spell it

ARE YOU WEARING PINCE-NEZ?

 

Are you wearing pince-nez?

Don’t they pinch a bit?

They look a little uncomfortable

But with your image they fit

 

That looks an impressive book

A rather weighty tome, isn’t it?

It will make you look good

If you die halfway through it

I LIKED THE OLD BOND MOVIES

 

With reliable heroes

And camp villains

But I watched on recently

And I found it quite exhausting

Foot chases, car chases,

Running here, driving there

It left me quite out of breath

It didn’t leave room for a story

The old Bond films had a story

Punctuated with action

Now they had action

Punctuated by more action

Bond was one of a kind

But now I’m not sure

If I’m watching James Bond

Or Jason Bourne

ALWAYS READ STUFF THAT

Always read stuff that

Will make you look good

If you are struck with death

Earlier than you should

WORDS ARE VERY IMPORTANT

 

Words are very important

Encyclopaedia is one I like

But it doesn’t actually mean

A kiddie fiddler on a bike

I LOST MY THESAURUS TODAY

 

I lost my thesaurus today

It was after the exam

I can’t find the words to describe

How upset I am

WIND IN THE WILLOWS # 2

 

The naughty Toad in the hole

And his friend Guacamole

Along with Ratatouille

Thought Badger quite chewy

WIND IN THE WILLOWS # 1

 

Ratty the water vole

And his friend Mr Mole

Buried Toad deep in a hole

COMPELLING READING

I was reading this book today

At the library in town

It was “The History of Glue”

You know? I couldn't put it down

THERE’S A GREAT VOLUME I’M READING

There’s a great volume I’m reading

About Japanese Sword-Fighting,

It’s quite a detailed manuscript

Would you like me to samuraise it? 

I BOUGHT THE WORLD'S WORST THESAURUS

 

I bought the world's worst thesaurus

And it’s irredeemable

But it really is the worst

But not only is it terrible, it's terrible

I’VE ALWAYS BEEN AN AVID READER # 1

 

I’ve always been an avid reader

Mystery books are my favourite

But then every novel is a mystery

If you never manage to finish it