21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 389

 

If all the world was apple pie,

Just like it was in my dream

Then the oceans would be full

Of delicious vanilla ice cream

ARE YOU WEARING A LEEK?

 

Are you wearing a leek?

The Welsh national emblem

An aromatic little symbol

Displayed out of patriotism

ARE YOU WEARING A DAFF?

 

Are you wearing a daff?

The Welsh floral emblem

A pretty yellow symbol

Displayed out of patriotism

ARE YOU WEARING A DAFFODIL?

 

Are you wearing a daffodil?

The Welsh floral emblem

A pretty yellow symbol

Displayed out of patriotism

ARE YOU WEARING ANY DRAWERS?

 

Are you wearing any drawers?

I would like a look at yours

I bet a pound to a penny

You’re not wearing any

There we have it at last

You are as I thought bare arsed

Even if you have an excuse

It still makes you look loose

And its still very low rent

If you’ve given them up for lent

ARE YOU WEARING A CROYDON FACELIFT?

 

Are you wearing a Croydon facelift?

Well it looks like you’ve had a shock

It’s not a good look on you at all

It looks like you overdosed on Botox

I HAVE GIVEN UP SEX FOR LENT # 1

I have given up sex for Lent

Which should not disconcert

As I haven’t done it for six years

So another month won’t hurt

  

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 11

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

The staff did not fill me with confidence.

As I was coming around, I heard someone say

“Did anyone see where I left the instruments?”

THERE WAS A TRAGIC CASE

 

There was a tragic case

When a Chickpea farmer died

And after the inquest 

The coroner ruled it Hummuside

COLIN TOOK A PORK PIE

 

For his homework

Colin took a pork pie

Around to his Aunty Grace

Because he thought

That he had to take pie

To one dismal place

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE MEAL

 

The man said to his date

“I hope you enjoyed the meal

But alas I don’t have any money”

She was unfazed and replied

“If you’d told me sooner we

Could have gone somewhere classy”

MACARONI MOTORS

 

I told my wife

That I made a car

Out of Macaroni

It wasn’t until

I drove pasta

That she believed me

I WENT TO THE RESTAURANT LAST NIGHT

 

I went to the restaurant last night

The Maître d’ said there was a delay

And did I mind waiting, I said no

So, he handed me a drinks tray

THE FRUIT AND VEG WHOLESALERS IN TOWN

 

The fruit and veg wholesalers in town

Has been liquidated and closed down

They looked for backers but got no takers

So now they’re owned by smoothie makers

THE HEAD CHEF

 

The head chef

At my favourite restaurant

Died only the other day

And the devastating news

Came out of the blue

He just Pasta way

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 388

 

Twinkle, Twinkle, little star

I think there’s something wrong

Because you have the same tune

As that annoying Alphabet Song

ARE YOU WEARING SPANX?

Are you wearing spanx?

I thought that was the case

Because you’ve got a fat neck

And a very red face 

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 10

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

The whole surgical team acted like comedians

As I was going under I heard the surgeon say

“Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!”

I DON’T WALK WITH THE CROWD

 

I don’t walk with the crowd and

I’m not the usual Microwave user

I like to stop it at one second

Just to feel like a bomb de-fuser.

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE # 1

 

The secret to a happy married life

Is that you should simply remember

That to keep on the good side of your wife

Silence is sometimes the best answer

DON’T MIND YOU NOT BEING GLAMMED UP

 

I don’t mind you not being glammed up

But a gent’s tweed suit is not your normal attire

Is there any reason for your change of style?

Is the masculine look some form of satire?

THE GRIM REAPER CAME FOR ME LAST NIGHT

The Grim Reaper came for me last night

And I could barely catch my breath

But I beat him away with a vacuum cleaner

And was really Dyson with death.

AN UMBRELLA WAS LIKE A PANCAKE

 

Granddad always said, an umbrella was like

A pancake, but I didn’t know what he meant?

I only found out many years later that it was

Because they were seldom seen after lent

ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY KEG?

 

Are you wearing a brandy keg?

Is obviously the question that I beg?

I obviously hope the answer is yes

If it’s no, I’m hallucinating I guess

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE # 2

 

The secret to a happy married life

Is that good things needn’t be hurried

So be engaged for at least six months

Before the two of you get married

ARE YOU WEARING THAT TONIGHT?

 

Are you wearing that tonight?

I can’t say I’m not disappointed

You don’t normally have a hair out of place

And you are always perfumed and anointed

You haven’t bothered to get glammed up

So tonight you look like a plain Jane

I certainly don’t want to be seen with you

And you only have yourself to blame

You’ve done something out of place

And I really didn’t want to see “the girl below”

Yes I do think that it’s all over between us

But I don’t agree that I’m being shallow

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 387

 

Mary, Mary, quite contrary

Decided to sow Stock seed

But later she realised her error

After sowing Japanese knotweed

ARE YOU WEARING SUNGLASSES?

 

Are you wearing sunglasses?

Well, they are the height of cool

But it’s England and its February

And you look a bloody fool

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 9

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

Afterwards in recovery I heard “oh fuck it!,

“Someone call the janitorial services

We're going to need a mop and bucket!”

WHEN HIS FOOD ARRIVED

 

When his food arrived

He saw something distressing

“There’s a button in my salad”

The waiter said, messing

“That's all right, sir,

It's just part of the dressing”

WE FOUND A BRILLIANT BUILDER

 

We found a brilliant builder

His workmanship is out of sight

The only snag is he’s Transylvanian

So, he can only work at night

WHAT’S A BIDET?

While looking at a hotel website

His granddaughter asked “What’s a Bidet?”

The old soldier smiled wryly and retorted

“It’s a couple of days before D-Day” 

DESICCATED SNACK POT

 

A new desiccated snack pot

Of dried dog and noodles

Are on sale in North Korea

They’re called Not Poodles

NEW BOND VILLAIN

 

There is a new Bond villain

Although the story is old

His name is Gold sphincter

And he has piles of gold

PAVLOV’S DOG AND SCHRODINGER’S CAT

 

I wanted a book about Pavlov’s Dog

And Schrodinger’s Cat

And I wanted it quite a lot

So, I asked a librarian

And she said it rang a bell,

But she wasn’t sure if it was there or not

AU PAIR

 

The meaning of the term

Au pair, is a “Social equal”

So, you will find your husband

Ran off with the social equal

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 386

 

Harlequin ladybird, fly away home

Your kind are not welcome here

So, get your Harlequin spotted arse

Back to where you belong in Asia

ARE YOU WEARING VESTMENTS?

 

Are you wearing vestments?

Oh reverend Katie

You know they should

Be hanging in the vestry

When the service is over

That’s where they should be

But for my birthday treat

You’ve kept it on for me

And now I get to unwrap

The reverend Katie

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 8

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

And the anaesthetist was a bit of a bore

He said “Oops! Does anyone know if a patient

Has ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?”

BOOTS THE CHEMIST SUNDAY OPENING

 

11am to 9pm the sign read

But the opening time was well past

And we were left out in the cold

And their apathy left me aghast

The signage needs to be amended

And a new sign should be tasked

Open “When we can be bothered”

Until “We can no longer be asked”

WHEN THE ALLSPICE SINGERS

 

When the allspice singers

Really went off the rails

Coryanda and star Anise

Had the Pepperatzi on their tails

PEPERAMI IS A BIT OF AN ANIMAL

 

Peperami is a bit of an animal

Is the pitch the adverts hit

But its animal origins aside

I would like to know “what bit”

THEY’RE REMAKING OLD TV SHOWS

 

They’re remaking old TV shows

Updating oldies from TV heaven

A Sci-Fi version of “On the Buses”

Is going to be called Blakey’s Seven

IF YOU’VE LEARNED NOTHING IN LIFE

 

If you’ve learned nothing in life

Take this piece of advice from me

Remember this if nothing else,

Your character is your destiny

HEAD TURNER

Every time she turns her head

All heads turn to her and she is viewed

But I am pleased to say she sees only me

And each time my desire is renewed

LOOKING VERY GOOD IN BLACK

I thought of how good she looked in black

When I saw her approaching

And anticipated the removal of the Green dress

At the end of the evening

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 385

 

“As I was going up the stair

I met a man who wasn't there!

He wasn't there again today

Damn that was some good Mary J”

ARE YOU WEARING A CASSOCK?

 

Are you wearing a cassock?

As you kneel on a hassock

I wonder what it’s concealing

As you’re reverently kneeling

One day I might get to see

As you change in the vestry

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 15

 

The true nature of fairy tales

Are for the devotee, a heartbreaker

Because the tales were sanitized

Such as the Elves and the Hoe maker

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 7

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

Afterwards in recovery I heard an exchange

Of converse between the attending clinicians

“What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?”

IT WAS ANOTHER SUV BIRTHDAY

 

It was another SUV birthday

Thanks to my significant other

No not that kind of SUV, I got

Socks, Underwear and Viagra

IF I KNEW THE FUTURE

 

If I knew the future and in particular

When I was going to die and where

The knowledge would be of little use

Other than to warn me not to go there

NOT DOING UP YOUR FLY AFTER SPENDING A PENNY

 

Not doing up your fly after spending a penny

Makes you forgetful and nothing more,

It doesn’t mean you have Alzheimer’s

Its only senility if you forgot to unzip before

GRANDAD BEAT HIS WIFE TO DEATH

 

Grandad beat his wife to death

But it’s not so bad I should say

As it just means that he died

Before Grandma passed away

WHY ARE BABY FLAMINGO’S

Why are baby Flamingo’s

Always allowed to mess around?

It’s simply because the parents

Won’t put their foot down 

THE WOODPECKER LOST HIS BEAK

The Woodpecker lost his beak

As a result he was full of anger

He had lost his reason for being

And turned into a head banger 

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 384

 

The old lady who lived in a shoe

Was forced into the sex trade

And moved into a thigh high

Stiletto Boot on what she made

ARE YOU WEARING A SMOCK?

 

Are you wearing a smock?

As you tend to your flock

Well inside your frock

I would like to run amok

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 14

 

Puss in Boots isn’t all he appears

And you will be shocked to your roots

He is more flamboyant in private

And is often Puss in Latex Boots

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 6

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

And the anaesthetist thought he was funny

When the nurse dropped a scalpel he said     

“Sterile, shcmerile. the floor's clean, really”

DRIED FRUIT TRADE

 

A customer said “I want to swap a bag

Of sultanas for two bags of raisins mate”

“I can only give you one bag” he was told

“Because that’s the currant exchange rate”

RIGHT ANGLED TRIANGLES

 

I wanted to buy some right angled triangles

And I wanted to do it without any fuss

So I asked around and took expert advice  

And I was told to go to Pythag-R-Us

EXPERIENCED IN THE BEDROOM DEPARTMENT

 

I only dated my wife

Because I was told she was

“Experienced in the bedroom department”

Sadly it was gained

At Ikea over twenty years

Of course it was too late by then to lament

MY LUGGAGE GOT TRASHED AT THE AIRPORT

 

My luggage got trashed at the airport

So I made a claim at the appropriate place

But after filling out all the relevant forms

I was told I didn’t have much of a case

MY WIFE SENT ME TO BUY OXO CUBES

 

My wife sent me to buy Oxo cubes

Down at the local corner shop

But I returned home empty handed

Because they were out of stock

WE NEEDED A FAMILY HOLIDAY

 

We needed a family holiday

But lack of finances can restrict

So I had to take them all

Up to the Off Peak District

KISSING FRIDAY

 

The tradition of kissing Friday

Was called Nippy Hug Day

When Leicestershire men

Could demand on that day

A kiss from any woman

Of his choice by custom

And if she was to refuse

He could then pinch her bum

But since world war two

Kissing Friday doesn’t apply

It has fallen from favour

I can’t understand why

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 383

 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

When he got a telephone call

“Hump Me Dumpty” Bo said

And he fainted and fell off the wall

ARE YOU WEARING WORN OUT DRAWERS?

 

Are you wearing worn out drawers?

Well, I think it’s something certain

You may put on a very good show

But your riches have gone for a burton

And despite every outwardly sign

It’s a case of “all kippers and curtains”

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 13

 

It wasn’t a pea in her bed that kept her awake

It was something of a very different genus

The reason for her exhaustion each morning

Was as a result of the Princess and a penis

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 5

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

And the surgeons were a couple of arses

One of them said to the other “I bet now

You wish you hadn't forgotten your glasses.”

JEAN PIERRE AND HIS LETTERS

 

Jean Pierre coated his French Letters

In the famous orange liqueur digestive

His girlfriend liked flavoured condoms

He called them his Cointreau-ceptives

THE CHICKEN AND THE EGG LAY

 

The chicken and the egg

Lay in the afterglow

He lit a cigarette and said

“Well now we know”

I’VE STARTED PLANNING MY HOLIDAY

 

I’ve started planning my holiday

Last year I went to the Canary Islands

And didn’t see a single canary

So, this year I’m going to the Virgin Islands

A MAN WANTED TO GO SWIMMING

 

A man wanted to go swimming

With sharks when the flags flew red

Of course you can do it at a price

But it could cost an arm and a leg

WE WENT TO THE SEASIDE

 

We went to the seaside

And it was so grim

Even the tide was reluctant

To come back in

I WON AN ALL-EXPENSES PAID

I won a round the world trip,

All-expenses paid

But my wife wanted to go

Elsewhere I’m afraid 

WHAT DO YOU CALL THE DAY?

 

What do you call the day?

That comes after Ash Wednesday

And before kissing Friday

Well, we just call it Thursday

ASH WEDNESDAY

 

There is a religious reason

Why it is a significant day

But cremated pancake on the hob

Is the only ash around our way

AN UMBRELLA WAS LIKE A PANCAKE

 

Granddad always said, an umbrella was like

A pancake, but I didn’t know what he meant?

I only found out many years later that it was

Because they were seldom seen after lent

I THOUGHT I’D TRY TOSSING A PANCAKE

 

I thought I would try tossing a pancake

Well that turned out to be a big mistake

The first three didn’t leave the pan at all

The next two were sliding down the wall

The only one dispatched with any grace

Then splashed hot fat right in my face

TOSSING THE PANCAKE

 

Tossing the pancake

How hard could it be?

Well quite difficult

Which surprised me

What an awful mess

After the first three

I gave up after four

That landed on me

TOSSING A PANCAKE

 

Tossing a pancake

I can do that

Just get a fry pan

Heat up the fat

Mix up the batter

As easy as that

One on the ceiling

One on the cat

One on the door

One on the mat

One on my head

Like a sweet sticky hat

THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A PANCAKE

 

There’s nothing like a pancake

With lemon curd spread on

And no greater disappointment

When it turns out to be Dijon

IT’S PANCAKE DAY AGAIN

 

Mix it, pour it

Cook it, toss it

And serve it

 

A little lemon

A little jam on

Eat it with aplomb

IT’S PANCAKE DAY

 

Light the hob

Mix the batter

Then pour it in the pan

Cook one side

And toss it high

Then catch it if you can

I LIKE TO TRY TOSSING THE PANCAKES

 

I like to try tossing the pancakes

But my inadequacy’s its revealing

And the results of my failed efforts

Look like I’ve Artexed the ceiling

AT THE ANNUAL PANCAKE RACE

 

At the annual pancake race

The winner is always smug Trace

I’m always at the rear of the chase

Limping home in last place

Then I must congratulate Trace

And engage in a false embrace

When I really what to hear the base

Of the frying pan hitting her face

THE PANCAKE DAY RACE

 

The Pancake Day race was a popular event

And was held amidst much happy hoorays

Until the runners became too competitive   

And behaved like parents on sports days

NICKANAN NIGHT

 

Nickanan Night or Shrove Monday evening

Was a time for boys to commit petty crime

Now we don’t have it on one special night

Instead now it appears to happen all the time

COLLOP MONDAY

 

The third day of Shrovetide

Once known as Collop Monday

Named after Collops of bacon

A traditional dish of the day

Which was served with eggs

It’s the forgotten Shrove Monday

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 382

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

He didn’t see her coming at all

“Hump Me and Dump Me” She yelled

And pushed him off the wall

ARE YOU WEARING A FUR COAT?

 

Are you wearing a fur coat?

Well, that’s a cause of snickers

I know it’s not original but

Beggars can’t be pickers

But it’s a well-known adage

“Fur coat and no knickers”

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 12

 

Hansel and Gretel’s little trips

Were very stimulating for Hansel

Because once deep in the woods

He got a hand job from Gretel

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 4

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

And the surgeon thought he was a riot

He held up the x-ray and said “Wait a minute,

If this is his spleen, then what the hell is that?”

I HEARD A VERY APT DESCRIPTION

 

I heard a very apt description

Of Gardening the other day

It suggested that Gardening was

Grown-ups going outside to play

I HEARD A VERY APT DESCRIPTION

 

I heard a very apt description

Of Gardening the other day

It suggested that Gardening was

Grown-ups going outside to play

SOME PEOPLE ARE DOWN BEAT

 

Some people are down beat

And see life as a negative

But I was born to be an optimist

Even my blood type is B Positive

SO IF THEY PUT REAL LEMONS

 

So, if they put real lemons

In the washing up liquid

Does that mean that they

Put real fairies in fairy liquid

GRETEL DIDN’T GO TO THE WOODS

 

Gretel didn’t go to the woods

Looking for a house of gingerbread

When she walked along with Hansel

She was looking for a muffin instead

SEND ONE BAG TO TOKYO

 

A passenger said “Send one bag to Tokyo

And the other to Paris, is that clear?”

They said at the check in desk “you’re going

To Athens so we can’t do that I fear”

“Why ever not” the man said in reply

“That’s exactly what you did last year”

BIMBETTE PACKED ALL HER GLOVES

 

Bimbette packed all her gloves

Into one suitcase for Santorini

When I asked her why she replied

“Because its hand luggage only”

MY WIFE TOLD THE ITALIAN WAITER BLUNTLY

 

My wife told the Italian waiter bluntly

Without ambiguity what she meant

That his pepper grinder was like a penis

So, he thanked her for the condiment

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING TIGHTS?

 

“How long have you been wearing tights?”

I asked him as we got changed for cricket

He smiled at me ruefully and then replied

“Since my wife found them in my pocket”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 381

 

Jack and Jill went up the hill

But not for a pale of water

Because they went up the hill

To do what they shouldn’t oughta

ARE YOU WEARING A LITTLE BLACK DRESS?

 

Are you wearing a little black dress?

In the coco channel style to impress

Even though it’s a very classic gown

You look more like Coco the clown

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 11

 

Hansel and Gretel’s little trips

Were always exceedingly fruitful

Because once deep in the woods

They became Handsy and Grateful

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 3

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

And the anaesthetist thought he was funny

When the nurse dropped my notes he said

“Don’t lose them, we may need them at autopsy”

APPARENTLY ONE IN THREE KIDS # 2

 

Apparently one in three kids

Are conceived in an IKEA bed

But thankfully two out of three

Wait until they get home instead

TEENAGERS ARE LIKE CAVEMEN

 

Teenagers are like Cavemen

With their inappropriate rubbing

Personal hygiene, table manners

And their penchant for clubbing

WHEN THEY ARE STEPPED ON

 

When they are stepped on

Their behaviour is quite benign

The Grapes never say a word

But they do give a little whine

I PHONED THE DENTIST IN SOME DISTRESS

I phoned the dentist in some distress

And I had to get a bit shirty

The receptionist finally booked me

An appointment at Tooth Hurty.

STEP BROTHER

When I got home from work

My brother came into view

He was laying on the doorstep

But hey that’s Matt for you 

SOMEBODY TRASHED THE BIKE

Somebody trashed the bike

Of the school bully, Michael

It was after an anti-bullying lecture

Entitled “let’s break the cycle” 

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 380

 

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

And at the summit

Jack does Jill

ARE YOU WEARING SPIVS GARB?

Are you wearing spivs garb?

You are doubtless here to chisel

Hawking your counterfeit goods

Doubtless all sausage and no sizzle 

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 10

 

Tinderfella went to the dance

Looking for a little romance

But in the end he didn’t find her

Because they were all on grindr

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 2

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown

“Did this patient sign the organ Doner form?”

He said as I was lying there in my gown

AN ELDERLY FEMALE DRIVER WAS SEEN BY POLICE

An elderly female driver was seen by police

Driving on the motorway very dangerously

She was knitting a jumper while at the wheel

The police told her to Pullover immediately 

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WASN’T ALLOWED

 

William Shakespeare wasn’t allowed

To drink in his local hostelry

And the reason for that was because

He had been Bard obviously

KERMIT THE FROG’S CAR

 

Kermit the Frog’s car

Broke down one day

So, he phoned the AA

And it got Toad away

WHEN ANNE BOLEYN WAS UNDRESSED

When Anne Boleyn was undressed

It was observed when they viewed her

That she was covered in tooth marks

Because of her husband Henry Tudor 

APPARENTLY ONE IN THREE KIDS # 1

 

Apparently one in three kids

Are conceived in an IKEA bed

One in three chavs are conceived

In the stores toilets instead

A WORLD RENOWNED SCIENTIST

A world-renowned scientist

Decided that he would utilize

A beautiful knocker on his door

And he won the No Bell prize

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 379

Little Bo Peep

Has lost her sheep

But in truth

She does care a peep

She prefers ram’s

Does Little Hoe Peep

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR HAIR DIFFERENTLY?

 

Are you wearing your hair differently?

It’s definitely some kind of reworking

No, you’re not wearing your hair differently

I can clearly see now that it’s a merkin

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 9

 

New mattresses were ordered

For the bed of Princess Kayleigh

As they were changing the beds

For The Princess And The Pee

I PLUG IN MY IPHONE CHARGER

 

I plug in my iPhone charger

To give the battery a boost

Just to top it up to maximum

With what I call Apple Juice

MY WIFE SAYS I CAN’T MULTITASK

 

My wife says I can’t multitask

But she is in error it seems to me

As I can waste time, be unproductive,

And procrastinate simultaneously

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 1

I went into hospital for minor surgery

And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown

“Accept this sacrifice, O Lord of Darkness”

He said as I was lying there in my gown

I WENT TO THE UKRAINE

 

I went to the Ukraine

With my girlfriend Bev

And I ate a Chicken Kiev

With my chick in Kiev

WHEN WE WERE KIDS IN THE AUTUMN

When we were kids in the autumn

My brother would hide from view

Beneath a pile of fresh fallen leaves

But hey that was Russell for you

MY GIRLFRIEND WORKS IN A CHINESE KITCHEN

 

My girlfriend works in a Chinese kitchen

And the sauces she must skilfully render

Which is quite ironic really when you hear

The way the chef pronounces Brenda

WE COULD SEE A GROUP OF HIPPIES

 

We could see a group of hippies drowning

I said “we should try to save them if we can”

My wife was thoughtful for a moment before

She replied “No I think they’re too far out man”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 378

 

Jack be Nimble,

Jack be quick,

But please don’t play

With your candle stick

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF SATISFACTION?

 

Are you wearing a look of satisfaction?

Well, that blush is a tell-tale sight

You have clearly been indulging

In a spot of afternoon delight

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 8

 

Fumble Lina, Fumble Lina sexy little thing

Fumble Lina prance, Fumble Lina swing

Fumble Lina all I do is give a whistle or give a call

And because you’re so full of lust you let me have it all

POULTRY FARMERS WHO KEEP

 

Poultry farmers who keep

Battery chickens are fiends 

Because they earn their

Immoral living by fowl means

THE YOUNG CALLOW MAN DID TRULY PINE

 

The young callow man did truly pine

And hoped someone would introduce

Him to the rich lumberman's daughter

So, he made sure he looked spruce

THE MOST OBEDIENT INANIMATE OBJECTS

 

The most obedient inanimate objects

Are Bells, if I may make so bold

And the reason for that is they make

A noise whenever they are tolled

THERE IS A PARTICULAR HERB

 

There is a particular herb

That by reason and rhyme

Is most injurious to a lady's

Beauty and that is Thyme

NICOLA STURGEON, THE SCOTTISH FIRST MINISTER

 

Nicola Sturgeon, the Scottish First Minister

Says she want’s independence from Westminster

But it’s illogical, she’s just flexing her muscles

As Scotland will become dependent on Brussels

I WAS TOLD SOMETHING INTERESTING

 

I was told something interesting

By the RSPCA Man

He said Dogs can’t have an MRI

But explained that CatsCan

AUTOMATED CONCEIT

 

The guy was so conceited that when

He stood in the cubicle with nothing on

And his automatic shower came to life

He thought his nakedness had turned it on

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 377

 

Mary had a little lamb

She also had a lama

And that’s because she’s

A short sighted farmer

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM?

 

Are you wearing denim?

I didn’t know you could still buy it

It’s just like I remember

And it still smells like shit

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 7

 

“You'll never guess my name”

Taunted Rumpelstiltskin.

“I know” she said “but that’s because

Of the Gimp Mask you’re wearing”

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CAMERA

The difference between a camera

And a bad case of influenza

Is that one makes facsimiles

And the other makes sick families

I WILL DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN

 

I will differentiate between, if I can,

A tube and a foolish Dutchman

Ah yes, one is a hollow cylinder

And the other is a silly Hollander

THE GREATEST SHAKESPEARIAN VILLAIN

 

The greatest Shakespearian villain,

Who would make a demon scowl,

Was Macbeth the chicken-killer,

Because he did murder most foul

MY SISTER ELLEN

 

My sister Ellen

Married beneath her

But then she is

Six feet tall to be fare

JOHN IS A VERY UNLUCKY LOVER

 

John is a very unlucky lover

Unlike James, his twin brother

As John always misses the kisses

While James kisses the misses

AVOID DATING PRETTY MEN, NO MATTER

 

Avoid dating pretty men, no matter

How much they illuminate the gloom

Because the pretty men are all like

Cheap fireworks, they go off too soon

A YOUNG MAN STOLE A KISS FROM HER LIPS

 

A young man stole a kiss from her lips

And to his surprise she didn’t have a fit 

Instead, she smiled and said to him

“Just put that back from where you took it”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 376

Oh, do you know the muffin man,

The muffin man, the muffin man,

Oh, do you know the muffin man,

He’s the one in the muffin top

ARE YOU WEARING BRUT?

 

Are you wearing brut?

How 1970s of you

And it smells as if

You splashed it all over too

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 9

 

My son jokes about my age

His humour is unforgiving

He says my first driving license

Was probably written in Latin

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 6

 

She was drinking in the forest

But she didn't want Tango to sup,

That wasn’t for Snow White,

She much preferred her 7up

THE MOST MIRACULOUS ANIMAL

 

The most miraculous animal

In the farm-yard, I am assured

Is the humble pig and that’s because

It is killed and then cured

WHEN IS A LOVER LIKE A TAILOR

 

When is a lover like a tailor?

Surely that point is moot

The answer simply has to be

When he presses his suit

A WOMAN, HAVING BURIED HER

 

A woman, having buried her

Philandering husband Dwight,

Said she had one consolation,

She knew where he was at night

AVOID MARRYING A GIRL CALLED ANN

 

Avoid marrying a girl called Ann

With every fibre and particle

Because if you marry her

She will be an indefinite article

A WOMAN’S FAVOURITE WORD

 

A woman’s favourite word

When all said and done

Doesn’t have to be special

It just has to be the last one

WHEN ACTOR FOGHORN LEGHORN

 

When actor Foghorn Leghorn

Retired to a farm near Leyton

Named his favourite he “Macduff”

Because he wanted her to lay on

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 375

 

Star light, star bright,

No, I don’t want to tonight

If truth be told, alright

I think stargazing is shite

ARE YOU WEARING BAGGY DUNGAREES?

 

Are you wearing baggy dungarees?

Oh yes, they’re the bee’s knees

And I can get inside them with ease

In fact, I can have them round your knees

Quicker than you can sneeze

Oh yes, I like your baggy dungarees

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 8

 

My son jokes about my age

Especially in front of his mates

He says that when I was at school

We had to write on slates

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 5

 

The classic tale of Goldilocks

Should never have included Bears  

The Girl was gay so it was actually

Goldilocks and the Three Mares

ON MY BED AT HOME # 2

 

On my bed at home I have

A deluxe memory foam mattress

But it remembers I’m overweight

Which causes me great distress

LIFE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD

 

Life is short, a four letter word

It’s quite absurd, and here’s why

It’s because half of it is just an 'if

And three quarters of it is a 'lie'

LIP-SALVE

 

Lip-salve is a very useful product

But it’s not a good chaperon, in anyway

Even though it lives up to its boast

Of always keeping the chaps away

FOR MANY YEARS HE HADN’T DONE MUCH

 

For many years he hadn’t done much

In the way of work at all

Not that he was physically incapable

He just worked at county hall

IT WILL NORMALLY INVOKE A SENSE OF SHAME

 

It will normally invoke a sense of shame

When a young lady to loses her good name

However, her position is not an untenable one

When a young man gives her a better one

MY COUSIN IS AN ORTHODONTIST

 

My cousin is an orthodontist

In the American deep south

I don’t think he’s happy, as he

Always looks down in the mouth

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 374

 

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To do what they shouldn’t’ve oughter

Now she has a dose of chlamydia

And Jack has trouble passing water

THE ST VALENTINE’S DAY MASSACRE

The St Valentine’s Day massacre

That was a bloody occasion

Which just shows what happens

If you don’t make a reservation

ARE YOU WEARING LEDERHOSEN?

Are you wearing lederhosen?

Well, that’s a look you could lose

And they make your buttocks squeak

Like a pair of new shoes

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 7

 

My son jokes about my age

His humour is very droll

He says my first driving license

Was written on a scroll

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 4

 

He bragged about a conquest

Of a slender, older sylph

But of course no one believed

The boy who Cried MILF!

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 4

 

Disney have got into porn

It had to happen of course

Beauty and the Beast is the movie

And the beast is hung like a horse

SEX TOY STORY

 

Her husband had a Woody

But that didn’t impress her

So, she went and got Buzz

Out of the drawer in her dresser

ON MY BED AT HOME # 1

 

On my bed at home I have

A deluxe memory foam mattress

But it remembers I’m over sixty

Which causes me great distress

THE LORD AND GENTLEMAN OF THE HOUSE

 

The Lord and gentleman of the house

Eloped with the under cook, Elaine

But his wife was quite sanguine, because

She could have the maid to herself again

CHEMISTS AND ALCHEMISTS

 

Chemists and alchemists

Are both of feminine gender

Because one is an Ann Eliza

And the other a Charlotte Ann