Thursday 27 November 2014

A Little Bit Of Humour # 72

A YOUNG WOMAN GOLFER

A young woman golfer had just started
Her round, when she was stung by a Bee,
It was so painful she abandoned the game
And returned to the clubhouse for sympathy

Her golf pro saw her as she returned
And wondered why she was back so early
So he went to ask her what was wrong
And she told him “'I was stung by a Bee”

“Oh dear, that’s awful” he said “Where?”
He was sympathetic right from the start
“Between the first and second hole”
She replied wincing at the stings smart.
He nodded knowingly and said
“Then your feet were too far apart”

THE OFFER THAT SWUNG THE VOTE

The offer that swung the vote
On the recent referendum day
Was lowering healthy portions
From five, to three a day

TO UNDERSTAND DISABILITY

To understand disability, you should
Put yourself in their place
You might want to start by using
A disabled Parking space

AFRICA HAS ITS PROBLEMS

Africa has its problems
With the outbreak of Ebola
But spare a thought for
Every Little Englander
Who is exposed every
Summer to Tombola

DR WHO IS VERY, VERY OLD

Dr Who is very, very old
Even for a time traveller
And I think he is also
Suffering from Dimensia

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION

Crime Scene Investigation
Better known as CSI
Has been on the air so long
It should be renamed RSI

MY COUSIN IS A LOOKALIKE

My cousin is a lookalike,
He’s a dead ringer
For Prince Harry Wales
He’s a Doppelginger

TOFU GATEAUX

For my birthday my kids
Bought me a Tofu Gateaux
Which was as much use to me
As a slinky in a bungalow

POLITICIANS PRETEND

Politicians pretend to
Represent the people
But in reality, they
See us merely as Sheople

DON’T REST UPON YOUR LAURELS

Don’t rest upon your laurels
Once you’ve reached top
Because someone on the ladder
Is just waiting for you to drop

IF YOU EAT A BURGER

If you eat a burger
And it gives you the trots
You will probably find
It was horsemeat like as not

I LOVE IT WHEN WE BEAT THE AUSSIES

I love it when we beat the Aussies
It’s a bit of a passion of mine
Because they are such bad losers
I’m way up on cloud nine
I like to ask them, “Would you like
Some cheese with that whine?”





Christmas Stocking Fillers # 6

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 13

Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the dwelling
the fragrances of Christmas
Was all we were smelling

I DON'T WANT MUCH FOR CHRISTMAS

I don't want much for Christmas
What I want is quite naïve
And an unrealistic expectation
I just want everybody to be happy
I know it’s a forlorn hope
But miracles do happen at Christmas

THROUGHOUT THE YULETIDE SEASON

Throughout the yuletide season
In the light of the fireside glow
Christmas garlands are strung
Of Holly, Ivy and Mistletoe

BALTHAZAR, MELCHIOR AND CASPAR

Balthazar, Melchior and Caspar
The wise men of the east
Search for the prince of peace
Gods dove against the beast
And with the holy birth
The light of love was released

A NOVELTY CHRISTMAS CAPER

It was a novelty Christmas caper
I was given some Sudoku toilet paper
Not a gift I would choose
You can only use number 1s and 2s

WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES

When the clock strikes
The midnight hour
One year ends
And another begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic splendour
Lavishly ostentatious
Many thousands of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really worth it?
Would it not be better spent?
On the homeless
And the lost
And so begin a new year
With new hope

ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit

NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
On New Year’s Eve
Before the bells begin to clang
Ask her if she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?

THE YEAR IS TURNING

The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another revolution
It’s time once more to make
The obligatory resolution
Which is broken within days
But this year I have a solution
In order to make it last
I will not make a resolution



Christmas Stocking Fillers # 5

ARE YOU WEARING ELFIN EARS?

Are you wearing elfin ears?
They go with your elfin features
Let’s go and play in dingerly dell
With all the woodland creatures

CHRISTMAS SPOILERS

The Christmas spoilers
Will soon be with us again
And that as you well know
Means the bloody children

THE QUEEN’S SPEECH

The Queen it would appear
Gets a TV special every year
But one of my many queries
Is why does she never get a series?

IF YOU LISTEN CAREFULLY

If you listen carefully
Late on Christmas Eve
You might hear a sound
You might not believe

For behind the skirting
In the quiet of the house
The little creatures say
Happy Christmouse

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 12

Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the bungalow
not a creature was stirring
In the firelight glow

IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE IN DAD’S HOUSE

It was Christmas Eve in Dad’s house,
And not a hint of the season in sight
No stockings hang by the fire side
He was such a miserable old shite

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

It’s Christmas Eve
The mood is merry
Listen to the sleigh bells
Here comes Mr C

ON CHRISTMAS EVE, A NUTCRACKER

On Christmas Eve, a nutcracker
Is turned into a handsome Prince,
Clara saves him from the Mouse King
And go to the land of sweets and mints
There they dance around for a bit
Before the Prince takes Clara as his belle
And they marry and that’s The End
And that is the nutcracker in a nutshell

THE NIGHT IS CLEAR

The night is clear
Here! Here!
Can’t you hear?
It’s the reindeer
Santa is near
Let us cheer,
Open a Beer
Christmas is here

IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY IN MY MUMS HOUSE

It was Christmas day in Mum’s house
And the table was laden with fare
And the love flowed like the wine
Oh how I wish I was back there

Christmas Stocking Fillers # 4

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 17

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a louse
But there is a reason and here’s the tell
It’s just been fumigated and stank like hell

EBENEZER SCROOGE WENT TO COURT

Ebenezer Scrooge went to court,
Accused of shagging a cat
The judge dismissed the case in a jiffy
And said in all his years as a judge,
That he'd never known Scrooge
To put anything into a kitty

CHRISTMAS ISN’T JUST ABOUT PRESENTS

Christmas isn’t just about presents
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Christmas marks the birth
Of the saviour of all mankind

CELEBRATING CRIMBO

Some drunken bimbo
With legs akimbo
Showing off her bits
From ankle to pits
Lay in the gutter
And was heard to utter
To a fellow bimbo
Hacky crambo

ARE YOU WEARING ELF EARS?

Are you wearing elf ears?
It’s a very sweet look on you
So take me to your workshop
And do what little elves do

THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE

The best form of exercise
Is sex! Well that’s what they say
But five minutes at Christmas
Won’t take my beer gut away

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU BOTH

Happy Christmas to you both
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year

We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year

We will remember
And take a pause
Amidst the cheer
Just like every year

So we wish you
A happy Christmas
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year

Mary Evelyn Curtis 20/1/1921 – 29/3/1993
Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978

ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT

When my Dad was just a boy
He never saw a lemon or Lime
And oranges only ever appeared
In his house at Christmas time

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 11

Twas the night before Christmas
And all around the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a peasant

ARE YOU WEARING A PAPER HAT?

Are you wearing a paper hat?
It’s Christmas day and that’s that
We’ve pulled our Christmas crackers
So everyone must wears a paper hat


Christmas Stocking Fillers # 3

IT WAS THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

It was the office Christmas party
Where I met my girl Lottie
I felt really out of place
Every girl there was totty
I was out of my comfort zone
They were all pouty and hottie
I was just about to go home
When she said “Are you Scottie?”
I said “yes how did you know?”
“I asked” she said “I’m Lottie,
So you could ask me to dance”
I looked at her like she was Potty
She just smiled at me patiently
I smiled back and said “What me?”
She nodded and smiled again
And was swept off my feet by Lottie

ARCTIC EDUCATION

At the North Pole
If an education is sought
You won’t get any training
Everyone is Elf taught

CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 2

Cinnamon
Hot Chocolate
Rum Cakes
Icing
Stollen
Turkey
Mulled wine
Apple cider
Stuffing

BREAKFAST TIME COMES

Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Frosty the snowman
Eats his Snowflakes

IF THE STORK WAS TO VISIT

If the stork was to visit
Santa and Mrs. Claus
The child would naturally be called
The subordinate Claus

LUCY WANTED TO BUY HER GRANNY

Lucy wanted to buy her Granny
A ladies handkerchief set
But in the end changed her mind
She didn’t know what size to get

IN THE GREAT NORTH POLE HALLS

When all the work is done
In the great north pole halls
The elves dress up for dancing
For their Christmas Balls!

BREAKFAST TIME COMES, AGAIN

Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Santa’s little helpers
Eat their Frosted Flakes!

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 3

For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a shame
But to rub salt into the wound
Give them a Christmas name

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 16

Twas the night before Christmas and every abode
Was shrouded in silence all down the road
But no house was empty, they were all in their homes
They were hiding from carollers from St Jerome’s

Christmas Stocking Fillers # 2

THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 2

The best Christmas actor of all time
Will this one isn’t actually very
But she sounds like she should be
And so the winner is Holly Berry

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 15

Twas the night before Christmas and thru the bungalow
Not a creature was stirring in the fireside glow
They’d all been evacuated because of the flood
And the living room floor was all covered in mud

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 2

For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a caper
But to rub salt into the wound
Wrap their gift in xmas paper

CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 1

Crackers
Holly
Ribbons
Ivy
Stars
Tinsel
Mistletoe
Angels
Stockings

MERRY BELLS

Merry Bells of Christmas
Of genus Uvularia
Whose yellow drooping
Bell-shaped flowers
Brighten the season

JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
You can’t open a single door

CHRISTMAS BOX

A common native of Asia
And the Himalayas
The Greeks called
It Sarcococca
“The fleshy berry”

We call it Christmas Box
With its large fragrant flowers
Blooming in winter
Making the stark
Christmas garden, merry

SNIP! SNAP! CHRISTMAS

Snip! Snap! Dragon!
Here comes the flaming bowl
So let mischief take its toll
Just as festive Christmas comes
Snatch at the feast of plums
In amongst the Brandy’s flame
It’s our favourite Christmas game
Snip! Snap! Dragon!

MINCE PIES FULL

Mince pies full
Of spice and season
I don’t eat them
Heartburn’s the Reason

REINDEER TURN

Rudolph is doing stand up
At this year’s Christmas do
But between each gag he says
“This one will sleigh you”

Christmas Stocking Fillers # 1

Christmas Stocking Fillers # 1

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
When into the roadway she strayed
It was an accident waiting to happen
Because Santa Claus was totally slayed

A MAN BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE

A man bought a Christmas tree
He got it off the shelf
But he was rushed to A & E
After putting it up himself

JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door

CHRISTMAS BELLS

Christmas bells
Of Genus Blandfordia
Orange or crimson
Whose large flowers
Brighten the season

CHRISTINGLE (ACROSTIC)

Candles
Holly
Red ribbon
Incense
Sweets
Tinsel
Inspiration
Noel
Gold
Light
Eternal

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 1

For those born on Christmas day
Parents have a great responsibility
So don’t wish them a happy birthmas
Or Merry Chrisday it provokes hostility

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 14

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring not even a peasant
But that in itself is not uncommon to see
When you live in a gated community

THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 1

The best Christmas actor of all time
Is a character actor so sublime
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Yule Brynner

THE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS OVER

The Christmas party is over
And so I guess
It’s now the time to wish you
A Happy Christmess

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Christmas outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit