I EMPLOYED LESBIAN CARPENTERS

 

I employed Lesbian Carpenters

And they are the best I’ve used

I would highly recommend them

They were called Tongue and groove

THERE’S A LESBIAN DINOSAUR # 2

There’s a Lesbian dinosaur

It has been Revealed to us

Which wore a strap-on

It’s named the Pegasaurus

THERE’S A LESBIAN DINOSAUR # 1

 

There’s a Lesbian dinosaur

It has been revealed to us

By exited Paleontologists who

Named it the Lickalotapus

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE CLOUDS

Some people are like clouds

In strange kind of way

Because when they fuck off

It becomes a beautiful day

I GOT A JOB AT A HELIUM FACTORY

 

I got a job at a Helium factory

But I quit after my first day

Because I didn’t really like

Being spoken to in that way

I WASN’T VERY GOOD AT MY JOB

 

I wasn’t very good at my job

And when I quit, I was mocked

When I quit as an Electrician

As they were really shocked

DON’T JUDGE BY THE COVER

 

One said “it’s my Spine”

Another “it’s my appendix”

And finally, “I’m overdue”

But that’s all in a day’s work

Working at the Book Hospital

IT WAS PITIFUL TO WATCH MY SON

 

It was pitiful to watch my son sat staring at the book

While wearing a confused expression

So, I said “Just open the damn thing and read it,

It doesn’t need a password or decryption  

I’VE BEEN FEELING A LITTLE BIT MOODY

 

I’ve been feeling a little bit moody and

Run down lately, so I thought I should

Look up my symtoms and find the reason

It turns out I’m suffering from adulthood

WHILE SITTING AT HER HUSBAND’S FUNERAL

 

While sitting at her husband’s funeral

The widow was approached by a man

Asking, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

“No not at all” she replied “Go ahead”

So he walked briskly to the lectern

Cleared he throat and said “Plethora”

Then he walked back to the widow

“Thank you” she said “it means a lot”

I HAD A VASECTOMY BECAUSE

 

I had a vasectomy because

I didn’t want kids to be fair

But when I got back home

All the kids were still there

HOT OR COLD?

 

I’ve always wondered,

Which is faster, Hot or cold?

In the end, I chose hot,

Because you can catch cold

 

IT WAS TAKE YOUR KID TO WORK DAY

 

I took my eight-year-old to the office

On “take your kid to work day”

But when we walked into the office,

They started to cry straightaway

“You said you worked with clowns”

She said, “So where are they?”

THE DRUMMER HAD TWIN DAUGHTERS

 

The drummer had twin daughters

And they were identical too

So being a rock musician

He named them Anna 1, Anna 2

ME AND MY MATES

 

Me and my mates

Are in a band

Called Duvet,

We’re a cover band

GIRLS IF HE CAN’T APPRECIATE

 

Girls, if he can’t appreciate

Your funny humorous show

And all of your fruit jokes

Then you need to let mango

DON’T EAT ANYTHING, FATTY

 

My doctor said to me

Don’t eat anything fatty

What he meant by that was

Don’t eat anything, fatty

VERTICALLY CHALLENGED FOLKS

 

You’ve really got to

Hand it to the short folks

That’s because they can’t

Reach it themselves

BUTT CHEEKS

 

Is “Buttcheeks”

One word?

Or should I spread

Them apart

CULLINARY PUBLICATIONS

 

I once ate a dictionary

And it was really bad

It gave me thesaurus throat

I’ve ever had