MY MATE RETURNED FROM SOUTHEAST ASIA

 

My mate returned from Southeast Asia

He went there for a music festival

So I asked, “who did you go and see?”

I can’t remember the band names

Or even where we saw them play

“Singapore?” I offered “Yeah out of key'

AMBLING ANNE

 

Because of her confident stride

Everyone noticed Anne Boleyn

And the King set his cap at her

As her rivals would only amble in

WE DECIDED TO DO AN EVENING CLASS

 

We decided to do an evening class

And we chose the Carpenters one

We havent made anything yet

Because “We’ve only just begun”

ANGRY DISMISSAL

 

He was dismissed from his job

Testing mattresses and beds

He took it badly, “I won’t take it

Lying down” he angrily said

ELECTRIC TOOLS

 

Last week I bought myself

A second hand matic drill

Because I couldn't afford

To buy a new matic drill

AS WE WALKED THROUGH THE TOWN

 

As we walked through the Town

We heard “Hello” from everyone we’d meet

Which I thought was very strange at the time

Then I realised it was the Hi street

WE HAVE TWO HIGH STREET STORES

 

We have two high street stores

To shop for an electric blanket

I think it’s a terrible idea because

It will cause a heated rivalry I bet

NICE BIRTHDAY

 

My wife wanted something nice

For her birthday,

So I was happy to oblige

But come the day she was so upset

With the gift box with

Packets of biscuits inside

MUSIC MAG

In a music magazine, I read

That Pop is dead

Then I heard myself say

“Are Snap and Crackle ok”

WHERE IS ANCHORAGE

 

Today my friend asked me about

Anchorage and specifically where

I said, “I didn't know, however

my wife might know, I'll ask her”

I LIKE TO READ CRIME FICTION

 

I like to read crime fiction

Or detective solving tomes

My latest is a lucky sleuth

He’s called Sheerluck Holmes

TAKE AS DIRECTED

 

My Doctor told me to

Take two tablets four times a day

That probably explains

Why I was arrested at the mall today

I EMPLOYED LESBIAN CARPENTERS

 

I employed Lesbian Carpenters

And they are the best I’ve used

I would highly recommend them

They were called Tongue and groove

THERE’S A LESBIAN DINOSAUR # 2

There’s a Lesbian dinosaur

It has been Revealed to us

Which wore a strap-on

It’s named the Pegasaurus

THERE’S A LESBIAN DINOSAUR # 1

 

There’s a Lesbian dinosaur

It has been revealed to us

By exited Paleontologists who

Named it the Lickalotapus

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE CLOUDS

Some people are like clouds

In strange kind of way

Because when they fuck off

It becomes a beautiful day

I GOT A JOB AT A HELIUM FACTORY

 

I got a job at a Helium factory

But I quit after my first day

Because I didn’t really like

Being spoken to in that way

I WASN’T VERY GOOD AT MY JOB

 

I wasn’t very good at my job

And when I quit, I was mocked

When I quit as an Electrician

As they were really shocked

DON’T JUDGE BY THE COVER

 

One said “it’s my Spine”

Another “it’s my appendix”

And finally, “I’m overdue”

But that’s all in a day’s work

Working at the Book Hospital

IT WAS PITIFUL TO WATCH MY SON

 

It was pitiful to watch my son sat staring at the book

While wearing a confused expression

So, I said “Just open the damn thing and read it,

It doesn’t need a password or decryption