THE MUSIC TEACHER WAS FOUND GUILTY

 

The music teacher was found guilty

And put on the sex offenders register

He was giving guitar lessons and

Was arrested for fingering A minor

THE YEAR OUT

 

I took a “year out” before going to Uni

And I got a job before you start to sneer

I got a job on the London Underground

And I call it my “Mind the Gap Year”

HIGHER EDUCATION IS A WONDERFUL THING

 

Higher education is a wonderful thing

But achieving it is not without expense

And the downside to higher education

Has been the demise of common sense

 

But high IQ’s and University degrees

Don’t stop them doing something stupid

Or being repeat offenders at stupidity

Whereas common sense always did

I UPSET MY ENGLISH TEACHER

 

I upset my English teacher

So, I tried to comfort her

And said There, Their, They’re

THE PRIMARY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED

The primary school teacher asked

Name something, we have today Ellie

That we didn’t have ten years ago

Ellie replied immediately, “Me” 

WE LEARNED ABOUT FOOD GROUPS TODAY AT SCHOOL

 

We learned about food groups today at school

Confections, vegetables, meat, and protein

Dairy, fruits, grains, pulses, and legumes

But what about Alcohol, Nicotine and Caffeine

I’VE BEEN DOING A SELF-HELP COURSE

 

I’ve been doing a self-help course

But it hasn’t helped a bit

I’ve attended all the classes

And read the literature, which is shit

I can’t build myself a mountain

Or catch rainbows and such,

I’m better off at home watching telly

And it doesn’t cost so much

MY CROSS EYED TEACHER WAS SACKED

 

My cross-eyed teacher was sacked

The governors have no scruples

They said it wasn’t her disability

But that she couldn't control her pupils

IF THE MOUNTAINS OF THE WORLD

 

If the mountains of the world

Were to be put to the test

The most intelligent one

Would be mount cleverest

IF YOU WANT TO SCORE AT SCHOOL

 

If you want to score at school

Then the person to see

To fulfil all your needs

Is the supply teacher obviously

IT’S YOUR OWN TIME YOU’RE WASTING

 

“It’s your own time you’re wasting”

But no one listens to the teacher

So, when option time came around

I went and signed up for media

IN THE CORRIDORS AT MY SCHOOL

 

In the corridors at my school

We were allowed to run

There was a simple explanation,

We didn’t have a gymnasium

SOMETHING HAPPENED AT SCHOOL TODAY

 

Something happened at school today

Which has shaken us up a bit

We had an issue with the register

As two of our teachers were on it

MY PROSPECTIVE FATHER IN LAW

 

My prospective father in law

Finally fell in love with me

At the precise moment

He found out I had a BSC 

 

Why he was so excited

Is a real mystery to me

A bronze swimming certificate

Is that prestigious, really?

SENT TO THE HEADMASTERS OFFICE

 

When I used to be sent to the headmaster’s office

I knew that the punishment would never be as bad

As having the ignominy of going and explaining my

Behaviour to my disappointed mum and dad

MATHS PROBLEMS

 

The American’s must

Suffer from innumeracy

As they only have one math

As far as I can see

I MESSED ABOUT A LOT AT SCHOOL

 

I messed about a lot at school

And always played the fool

So I was expelled from school

And spent my time playing pool

And turned out a proper tool

INVIGILATED

 

Sitting the final exam

Was quite frankly, fruitless

Trying to write with

A broken pencil is pointless

DON’T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I’M TALKING

 

Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking

If you have something to say, raise your hand

And then place it over your mouth

Yes, well done that’s it, that’s grand

SEX EDUCATION 101

Peaches told her mother when she got home

Tommy showed me his willy at school today

The mother in shocked silence heard her continue

“It reminded me of a peanut in a way”

 

The mother relaxed a little with this addition

As it was not the answer for which she was braced

“Is that because it was really, really small”?

Peaches replied, “No because it had a salty taste”