ARE YOU WEARING A POINTY HAT?

 

Are you wearing a pointy hat?

And you don’t get fed up with that

When they ask about your wizard hat

“Does your head reach the top of that?”

ARE THESE KNICKERS SATIN?

 

A woman asked “Are these knickers satin?”

To an assistant who was chattin

She replied loudly for the whole shop to view

“No of course not, they’re new”

THE SENIOR CITIZENS GROUP

 

The Senior Citizens group

Were one of the very top

Break dancing troupes

And they were called Hip Op

GRANDPA ALWAYS SAID THAT HE WANTED

 

Grandpa always said that he wanted,

And he had the plans formalised,

That he would be laid to rest with Nan

So on his death we had her euthanized

FUNERALS DO NOT HAVE TO BE A TIME OF SADNESS

 

Funerals do not have to be a time of sadness

And while they should not be a time of gladness

They can still be a time of celebration though

Especially if the deceased was a miserable so and so

I AM ATTENDING WALTERS FUNERAL

 

I am attending Walters Funeral

Because I was a friend of his

And I think that today we could

Definitely say where Wally is

BREAKING NEWS IS COMING IN

 

Breaking News is coming in

About a tragedy, I’m being told

It’s at an origami competition

More to follow as it unfolds

THE INSURANCE MAN

 

The Insurance man went

To a funeral in Glasgow

Simply because he had

Never seen a Scottish widow

EVENTUALLY YOU WILL REACH A POINT

 

Eventually you will reach a point,

And I’m there I must admit,

Where I’ve stopped lying about my age

And started bragging about it

WHEN OLDER PERFORMERS DON’T START THEIR ACT

 

When older performers don’t start their act

But begin by telling you their age instead

The crowd goes wild, but what the audience

Is applauding them for is not being dead

ARE YOU WEARING A MAGICIAN’S HAT?

Are you wearing a magician’s hat?

Are you in the magic circle sphere?

But I have been wondering why

You made your clothes disappear

SAD CHEESE

 

Even dairy comestibles

Are sometimes lacking glee

And when at their lowest

They are a very Blue cheese

STAR WARS CHEESE

 

What cheese do they serve

In the Star Wars cafeteria

Or in a galaxy far far away?

The answer is Boba Feta

PHOTOGENIC MICE

 

When the Mouse clans pose

For photo of the families

They way to get them to smile

Is for the taker to say cheese

I ONCE KNEW A GIRL CALLED JO # 5

 

I once knew a girl called Jo

Jo the pretty faced

With the narrowest waist

Who was to everyone’s taste

Even other girls called Jo’s

I DISCOVERED MY FAVOURITE DUCK WAS SICK # 4

 

I discovered my favourite duck was sick

Unfortunately, his behaviour needs to be adjusted

All though in truth he just doesn't fit in

The medical definition is that he’s Mallardjusted.

INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON

 

Inside every older person

There is a younger person

Wondering and saddened

About what had happened

I CAN STILL ENJOY SEX

 

I can still enjoy sex

At Seventy-four,

I live at seventy six

So, it’s only next door

SO MANY OF MY FRIENDS SAID

 

So many of my friends said

They were looking forward

To attending the sarcasm club

No one turned up, awkward

I TOOK MY WIFE TO AN APPLE ORCHARD

 

I took my wife to an Apple Orchard

And the fruit hung ripe to adore

But she didn’t like it, as it was not

The Apple Watch she was hoping for

ARE YOU WEARING A WIZARD’S HAT?

 

Are you wearing a wizard’s hat?

Just like they do at Hogwarts

But it’s not really appropriate

For when you’re playing sports

UNSTABLE CHEESE

 

The most unstable cheese

Curdled and quackers

Will appear quite sane

In between two crackers

SYNONYM DESCRIBES A WORD

 

Synonym describes a word

That you chose to use

When you can’t spell

The word you wanted to use

TWO OLD MEN WERE IN A NUDIST CAMP

 

Two old men were in a nudist camp

And one asked as they were sitting there

“Have you read Marx” And the other replied

“Yes, it must be the wicker chair”        

COMFORTING THE TEACHER

 

Something upset

My English teacher

So I said to comfort her

“There, their, they’re”

I ONCE KNEW A GIRL CALLED JO # 4

 

I once knew a girl called Jo

Jo with the all over tan

Jo Jo the Can Can

The perfect gift for a man

Who had a beautiful

White toothed smile

AT MY ADVANCED AGE # 2

 

At my advanced age I find

I am surprised by something

The presence of public toilets

Are worryingly comforting

IT'S SAD THAT IN DEMOCRATIC AMERICA

 

It's sad that in Democratic America

That Black Friday gives them more of a lift

Than Good Friday, as they are more

Interested in bargains than the greatest gift

I LOVE PENGUINS AND ALWAYS HAVE

 

I love Penguins and always have

But have you ever wondered which side

Of a Penguin has the most feathers?

It’s ok it’s a trick question as its the outside

I PLUGGED MY ELECTRIC BLANKET INTO THE TOASTER

 

I plugged my electric blanket into the toaster

Not deliberately, I knew that wouldn’t be right

It really happened by mistake, but it happened

And as a result I kept popping out of bed all night

ARE YOU WEARING A COCKED HAT?

Are you wearing a cocked hat?

With red, white and blue on

I hope you’re going to a party

And you don’t think you’re Napolean 

CHEESE BITES

 

Even cannibals like cheese

After all it will always please

And their particular partiality

Is for Limburger obviously

I SPOTTED A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

 

I spotted a chemistry student

Entering the toilets the other day

He washed his hands on the way in

Which is always a dead giveaway

DID YOU HEAR OXYGEN

 

Did you hear oxygen

Is going out with magnesium

The first atom asked

OMg said the second atom

MY TEACHER IS EXTREMELY ANCIENT

 

My teacher is extremely ancient

But I don’t want to be thought a fool  

But it is the truth as he told us

He taught Shakespeare at his old school

A MAN IN LOVE IS INCOMPLETE

 

A man in love is incomplete

Until he is married

According Zsa Zsa Gabor

And then he’s finished

THE TRAFFIC COP STOPPED A TRUCK

 

The traffic cop stopped a truck

And told the driver that his wife

Had fallen out of the back, and

As a result the woman lost her life

The driver though was not bereft

But relieved he hadn’t gone deaf

AT MY ADVANCED AGE # 3

 

At my advanced age

I can still cut the mustard

It’s just opening the jar

That I find so terribly hard

SEX AT SIXTY IS ALL VERY WELL

 

Sex at sixty is all very well

But it’s a bit do or die

Slowing down is better

And pulling into a lay-by

I ONCE KNEW A GIRL CALLED JO # 3

 

I once knew a girl called Jo

I knew as Jo with the flat chest

Who had nothing inside her vest

But I was still blessed

For she had other attributes

ARE YOU WEARING A BICORN HAT?

 

Are you wearing a bicorn hat?

With red, white and blue on

I hope you’re going to a party

And you don’t think you’re Wellington

ALCOHOLIC CHEESE # 1

 

If a cheese is tempted to drink

Too much, it should not

Because if it does succumb

It is at risk of Livarot

IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

In the English language,

In my view

The longest sentence

Is clearly, I do 

THE ABSENT GIFT

 

The man explained why he hadn’t

Got his wife a gift for her birthday

The previous year he bought her

The nice plot in the cemetery

That she had requested, and she

Hadn’t used it, and he was unhappy

AFTER GETTING HOME LATE ONE NIGHT

 

After getting home late one night, very drunk,

He sees something that will forever scar his brain

And the consequence of seeing two of his wife

He quit drinking so he wouldn’t see that again

SHE PUT THE ASHES IN AN EGG TIMER

 

She put the ashes in an egg timer

After her husband’s final breath

So he would at least be useful

Around the house after his death

HE WAS RUNNING AN ELECTRIC FIRE ALL DAY

 

He was running an electric fire all day

And he’d never been so extravagant before

But he said he wasn’t worried about the cost

Because he borrowed it from next door

I ONCE KNEW A GIRL CALLED JO # 2

 

I once knew a girl called Jo

Jo with the deep voice

Oh how she made me rejoice

She was so very choice

With no Adams apple

I’m pleased to say

I KNOW I’M GETTING OLD # 2

 

You know you’re getting old

When you start to curse and mutter

After realising you spread face cream

On your bread instead of butter

AT MY ADVANCED AGE # 4

 

At my advanced age

I don’t worry too much about

Avoiding temptation

It will avoid me without doubt

ARE YOU WEARING A TRICORN HAT?

 

Are you wearing a tricorn hat?

It looks quite comfortable

I hope you’re going to a party

And you don’t think you’re John Bull

CHEESE DYNASTY

 

The dynasty of the Worlds

Richest cheese is built on

Family values and the daughter

Of that dynasty is Paris Stilton

MATRIMONIAL TOME

 

Sometimes I wish

My wife was a book

Simply because  

You can shut up a book

I THINK MEN ARE LIKE WEAPONS

 

I think men are like weapons

Because if you keep one

Around the house sooner or later

You’ll want to shoot one

HE WAS LOCKED UP AFTER HE THREW

 

He was locked up after he threw

His wife’s clothes out the window

What made it a heinous crime

She was wearing them at the time

HE MARKED HIS GOLDEN WEDDING

 

He marked his golden wedding

With his customary defiance

Celebrating the special occasion

With a two minutes silence

MY WIFE ALWAYS GETS HISTORICAL

 

My wife always gets historical

When we argue, not hysterical

She drags up things you know

That happened many years ago

AT MY ADVANCED AGE # 1

 

At my advanced age I’m sometimes

Overwhelmed by the urge to get home

Get into my elastic waisted trousers

And enjoy the comfort of the room

I ONCE KNEW A GIRL CALLED JO # 1

 

I once knew a girl called Jo

I called her Jo the Trumpet

A bit of a musical strumpet

She was certainly crumpet

But her lips were hard and dry

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A GIGGLE?

 

Are you wearing that for a giggle?

And I love your sense of humour

And I you have a good one too

Despite the contrary rumour

MIDDLE EASTERN CHEESE

 

Two thousand years ago

Cheese making beganeth

In Judea, which we know as

The Cheeses of Nazareth

STALKING CLAIM

 

My brother, who is a BS talker,

Claims to have a stalker

My wife said it was different to see

As his trouser were too baggy

MY BROTHER SWALLOWED MY TORCH

 

My brother swallowed my torch

But I wasn’t too upset though

Because his little face lit up

And his eyes were all aglow

OPPOSITES ATTRACT THEY SAY

 

Opposites attract they say

And for my wife and I

Nothing could be truer

As I have an eight-inch penis

And she doesn’t know

How to use a ruler

MY WIFE WAS VERY EMBARRASSED OF ME

 

My wife was very embarrassed of me

So much so in her view

That on our wedding day

I was only invited to the evening do

PEDANTIC WIFE

 

My wife said if I don’t stop

Being pedantic

I’ll have less friends

I turned to her and said

“That’s not true,

I will have fewer friends”

MY WIFE’S BIRTHDAY TOY

 

It was my wife’s birthday

So, I bought a sex toy for her

I don’t think it’s her fave

But it’s definitely up there

A TROPHY SISTER-IN-LAW

 

My brother decided

To take himself

A trophy wife

And I admit I was taken a back

As her ears stuck out

And the names

Of prior winner’s

Were tattooed down her back

JUST THINK OF YESTERDAY AS HISTORY

 

Just think of yesterday as history

And see tomorrow as a mystery

Just accept today for what it is, a gift

that’s we call it the present clearly

PLEASE DON'T PURSUE HAPPINESS

 

Please don't pursue happiness

It will just make you feel crappy

And its not the road to happiness

So, stay off that road and be happy

DESCRIPTIVE TRAVELLER

 

It was appropriate for a voyeur,

To live in the village of Watcham

To where I just returned yesterday

From the Northern town of Oldham

But as that is in the past now

I suppose it should be Feltham

ARE YOU WEARING A DISGUISE?

 

Are you wearing a disguise?

I think that’s probably wise

For to risk discovery is rash

For special agent Dick Splash

ALCOHOLIC CHEESE # 2

 

If a cheese likes to drink

And its dependence is clear

It has a drinking problem

And will go by the name Morbier

I TRIED DONATING BLOOD TODAY # 3

 

I tried donating blood today

But the problem on this visit

Were too many stupid questions

For example, why is it in a bucket?

THE FIRST TIME I TOOK MY GIRLFRIEND HOME

 

The first time I took my girlfriend home

So that my mum could meet her

She wore a big green shirt and huge gloves

And my mum said she was a keeper

IF GETTING SEXUAL GRATIFICATION

 

If getting sexual gratification

From the Beano is your belief

Then that would be known

To most people as Comic relief

I TRIED MY HAND AT FORTUNE TELLING

 

I tried my hand at fortune telling

Using an old snow globe

And I became very good at predicting

Really cold winters

A FIDDLER ON THE ROOF

 

I was Masturbating up on the roof

But unfortunately, I was seen

My boss gave me a second chance

So effectively wiped the slate clean

MY FATHER HAS SUFFERED

 

My father has suffered

A long series of seizures recently

So far, he’s lost his cars, house,

Yacht and a Villa on Capri

MY MATE TOM

 

My mate Tom stuck

A vacuum cleaner nozzle up his bum

Henry has never recovered

And sadly, always looks glum

ARE YOU WEARING BREEKS?

 

Are you wearing breeks?

And very fetching they are Hen

And now if you wouldn’t mind

Can you take them off again?

CELEBRITY CHEESE

 

Jay Z has a favourite cheese

I fancy

And if I’m not mistaken

It’s Brieoncé

MY BROTHER DOES NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH

 

My older brother does neighbourhood watch

In his street and adjoining roads around there

But he’s not keeping the neighbourhood safe

He’s just by nature something of a voyeur

I WENT TO THE LOCAL APIARY

 

I went to the local apiary

To buy a dozen bees

But they gave me thirteen

The extra one was a freebee

THERE’S A NEW MOVIE IN PRODUCTION

 

There’s a new movie in production

About a bunch of Comic Art Heisters

Specifically, the work of Mike Mignola

The film is called Steal Mignolas

 

Credit to Selina J @OfSelina

MUM ALWAYS WASHED MY HAIR IN AUSSIE BEER

 

Mum always washed my hair in Aussie beer

And at the time I wasn’t bothered

It wasn't until many years later I discovered

That I had in fact been Fostered

I BOUGHT A CD OF SOOTHING WHALE SONG

 

I bought a CD of soothing whale song

As a chill out evening was planned

But things didn’t work out that way

The CD was by a dolphin tribute band

A GREAT MIND IS NOT EASILY DEFINED

 

A great mind is not easily defined 

But its measurement is oft unspoken

For a great mind is like a parachute

It always works better when it’s open

I TRIED DONATING BLOOD TODAY # 1

I tried donating blood today

But the problem on this visit

Were too many stupid questions

For example, who's blood is it? 

I TRIED DONATING BLOOD TODAY # 2

 

I tried donating blood today

But the problem on this visit

Were too many stupid questions

For example, where did you get it?

ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY KNEES?

 

“Are you looking at my knees?”

She asked me right out flat

I just looked at her coyly

And said “No I’m above that”

CHEESE DISGUISE

 

We had to hide our Horse

So we took it to the dairy

Where we covered it in Cheese

It’s the best was to Mask-a-pony

 

THE REASON THAT THE OLD MAN

 

The reason that the old man

Fell in the well?

Was simply because

He couldn't see very well

I ATE MY MUM’S CLOCK

 

I ate my mum’s clock yesterday,

When she finds out shell be fuming,

However it was a day well spent

Eating clocks is very time consuming

I KNOW A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT THE UNEMPLOYED

 

I know a lot of jokes about the unemployed

The unfortunates and the ones who shirk

But no matter how many jokes I make

The simple truth is that none of them work

IF A COWBOY ASKS YOU IF YOU CAN HELP

 

If a cowboy asks you if you can help

Round up his nineteen cows

Just smile and say “Yes, of course”

That would be twenty cows”

A THESAURUS IS PRECIOUS

 

A thesaurus is precious

There’s no doubt about it

A thesaurus is great

There's no other word for it

SLEEP IS MY MOST FAVOURITE THING

 

Sleep is my most favourite thing

From lights out to days dawning

In fact it would be true to say

It's the why I get up in the morning

THE REASON WHY COWS HAVE HOOVES

 

The reason why cows have hooves

Instead of feet, everyone knows,

Because they are cloven footed

For the simple reason they lactose

I WAS NEARLY KILLED BY A SALT LORRY

 

I was nearly killed by a salt lorry

As I was riding in Surrey Heath

I was so angry I shouted at the driver

Though it was through gritted teeth

ARE YOU WEARING POINTY SHOES?

 

Are you wearing pointy shoes?

 Is that because they are on trend?

Well I’m sorry but I have to ask

“Do your toes go right to the end?”

WHEN MY WIFE REACHED FORTY

 

When my wife reached forty

Despite all the happy memories

I was left with no alternative

But to change her for two twenties

FEMINIST CHEESE

 

Feminists once burned their bras

Which understandably caused a stir

But today we have a feminist cheese

And it’s been named Germaine Gruyere

FASHION CYCLES

 

There was a well-dressed person on a unicycle

And a poorly dressed person on a bicycle

A more contrasting pair you could not desire

And the difference between them was attire

THERE WERE TWO PENCILS

 

There were two pencils

But you could tell them apart

Quite easily because

One of them looked sharp

MY JOB CHOSE ME

My job chose me, unlike

Ordinary work slaves

I became an undertaker

As my name is Phil Graves

THE AUCTIONEER ON THE DAY

 

The auctioneer on the day

Was my best friend Domingo

And he says that the Auctions

Are like middle class bingo

POSSESSED BUNDLE

 

My TV programmer is on the blink

The things possessed I'm in no doubt

It records the programs I don't like

And plays them back when I go out

I BOUGHT SHOES FROM A DRUG DEALER

 

I bought shoes from a drug dealer,

Not my normal purchase by the way,

And I don’t know what he laced them with

But I've been tripping all day

A TELLING EXPRESSION

 

I told my girlfriend that she had

Drawn her eyebrows in too high

She didn’t say anything in response

But there was a look of surprise

MY WIFE ACCUSED ME

 

My wife accused me

Of being the immature sort

I wasn’t very happy

So I said “get out of my fort”

ARE YOU WEARING PJ’S?

 

Are you wearing PJ’s?

Well, all I can say is phwor

Betty Boop is my favourite

And I’ve never wanted you more

PERMANENT CHEESE

 

Maximillian Mouse is different

And likes to stand out if he can

Which is why he has curly-hair

And his chosen cheese is Permesan

LAW IS LIKE THE FAMILY BUSINESS

 

Law is like the family business

And that includes my Niece

She is a Corrections Officer

With the Grammar Police

MY CHAUFFEUR IS A RUSSIAN

 

My chauffeur is a Russian

From a city called Rostov

He’s very good at his job

His name is Pikup Andropov

YOU HAVE A SYNDROME

 

If you keep randomly shouting out

“Broccoli” or “Cauliflower”

Have no regrets

It’s not something you can’t really help

Because it just means

You suffer from florets

I’VE BEEN SIGNED UP FOR A COURSE

 

I’ve been signed up for a course

Which I don’t like one bit

As it’s all about escapology

And I'm struggling to get out of it

THE SOCIAL LIFE

 

 

Bimbette, an unmarried mother
Went to claim benefit
And in front of a case manager
She was asked to sit
He asked her
“How many children do you have then?”
After a few moments
Bimbette finally replied “Ten”
Horrified and thinking this was
“One of those claims
“Ten?” Said the case manager
“What are their names?”
Bimbette replied impatiently
“They're all called Wayne”
“They're all called Wayne?
Isn't that a bit of a pain?
“Naah” she said
“If they're out playing in the street
“I just shout, ““Come in Wayne”
and it works a treat”
“It works at bed time
and when it’s time for dinner”
“But what if”
asked the manager in a perturbed manner
“You want to speak to one boy individually?”
He said
“That's easy,” she replied
“I use their surnames instead”

I’M DOING A SEMAPHORE COURSE

 

I’m doing a semaphore course

And the time is really dragging

Its tiring as well, and after six hours

Of training I was really flagging

MY GIRLFRIEND LOVES HORSES AND

 

My girlfriend loves horses and

All things Shakespearian

And she says “To be or not to be

A horse rider, that is equestrian”

THE BUFFALO WAS LEAVING

 

The Buffalo was leaving

Because he wanted to be gone

But before he took his leave

He just had to say Bi-son

ARE YOU WEARING A SLEEPSUIT?

 

Are you wearing a sleepsuit?

Well on a baby it looks cute

Even on my girlfriend it can

But not on a fifty year old man

CHEESE CYCLE

 

My brother is a cyclist and a cheese nut

And he always carries some in his pannier

But he also has very particular tastes

So, the cheese he carries with him is Paneer

ONLINE MICE

 

Mice have very high standards

Including their online needs

So when they are surfing the web

Their search engine is Ask Cheese

MUSICAL CHEESE

 

Stilton, Roquefort and Cambozola

Were all over the music news

Talking about their latest album

Which is another collection of Blues

BECAUSE OF HER CONFIDENT STRIDE

 

Because of her confident stride

Everyone noticed Anne Boleyn

And the King set his cap at her

As her rivals would only amble in

A YOUNGER MEMBER OF STAFF

 

A younger member of staff

Caused something of a melee

Having completely misunderstood

The nature of Mufti day

I KEEP FALLING OVER

 

I keep falling over

I don’t know what for

I should talk to someone

Maybe a Trip advisor

MARRIED WEIGHT ISSUES

 

When single women get home

They see what’s in the fridge

And then go to bed

However married women get home

See what’s in the bed

And goes to the fridge instead

YESTERDAY MY HOUSE WAS BURGLED

 

Yesterday my house was burgled

And today I feel really crappy

They stole my anti-depressants

Well, I just hope they are happy

ARE YOU WEARING A CHEST WIG?

 

Are you wearing a chest wig?

Did you get it off a yeti?

He must be cold without it

But it does suit you Betty

THE LONELY MUSHROOM

 

No one would sit next to the mushroom

And he didn’t know why, but made no fuss

It seemed to happen whatever the occasion

But when he was a lad they called him fun Gus

MY GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME SHE WAS HAVING HER PERIOD

 

My girlfriend told me she was having her period

And I responded quite innocently “What! Again?”

And then she lost it and screamed “you’re right

Let me go online and cancel my monthly subscription”

MY WIFE HAS NAMED OUR KITCHEN APPLIANCES

 

My wife has named our kitchen appliances

She’s lost her mind and it’s seriously scary

Our fridge has been named “Fridget Jones”

And milk and cheese are Fridget Jones's Dairy

A NEW PRISONER SAYS TO A FELLOW NEW ARRIVAL

 

A new Prisoner says to a fellow new arrival

“I’m in for 10 years, how long are you in for?”

“15 years” The other man replies “So as you

Get our first you'd can have the bed near the door

FIVE A DAY ADVICE

 

My doctor has told me

I must eat my five a day

It’s a target I must achieve

And so I will, Kumquat may

THERE ARE MANY PHOBIAS

 

There are many phobias

Some of great renown

For me it’s the stairs

They really get me down

SOME STAR WARS DROIDS

 

In Star Wars some droids are

Self-centered, like C-3PO

Everything is me, me, me,

He should be named C-mePO

EXPLOSIVE CHEESE

 

The bomb disposal team

Have to handle dangerous cheese

It’s a very delicate process

Which they follow very Caerphilly

MUSICAL MOUSE

 

Mice have very high standards

Including what’s on their MP3

So when they want to chill out

They listen to some R 'n' Brie

CHEESE FETISH

 

The dairy man had a cheese fetish

And his wife liked him to paint her

Which he did with liquid cheese

In fact he actually Double Gloucester

CONCEITED CHEESE

 

The conceited cheese viewed himself

In the bathroom mirror repeatedly

And while he stared at his reflection

He would smile and say Halloumi

ARE YOU WEARING GLITTER EYE LASHES?

 

Are you wearing glitter eye lashes?

It’s a very interesting look

Not enough people make themselves

Appear ridiculous in my book

A THOUSAND MILE JOURNEY # 2

 

A journey of a thousand miles

Begins with a single step apparently

Well, that’s the philosophical view

It begins with a flat tire in reality

IF YOU NEED HELP WHEN MOVING HOUSE

 

If you need help when moving house

You can always call on your buddies

It’s to be expected from everyday friends

But great friends help you move bodies

AN AGE OLD ADAGE THAT I KNOW

 

An age old adage that I know

States that friends may come and go

But more worrying to calculate

Is that enemies tend to accumulate

THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF! WOLF! WOLF!

 

Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!

Was repeatedly heard

But the dominatrix

Had forgotten the safe word

EXPLODING CHEESE

 

Breaking news: there’s been an explosion

At a cheese factory in Weston-Super-Mare

There have been no reports of casualties

Though there was De Brie everywhere

MOUSE HOSTELRY

Mice have very particular tastes

In its society and institutions

So when they choose a Hotel

They normally stay at The Stilton 

SHE WAS NINETY THREE YEARS OLD

 

She was ninety three years old

While he was only ninety one

Not a cross word, but they were

Both deaf when said and done

THE FIRST SIGN IS FORGETTING NAMES

 

The first sign is forgetting names

And that really makes you frown

Then you forget to pull your flies up

Finally, you forget to pull it down

I KNOW I’M GETTING OLD # 1

 

You know you’re getting old

When answering your phone cheerily

There is silence on the other end

And you realize it was on the TV

ARE YOU WEARING A SINGLE FAKE EYELASH?

 

Are you wearing a single fake eyelash?

I’m almost certain there should be two

What happened to the other one?

Did someone beat it to death with a shoe?

YOU SPEND YOUR LIFE AVOIDING CONFLICT

 

“You spend your life avoiding conflict”

My new therapist has just said

I suppose he has a point, because visiting

War zones fills me with dread

I REALLY LIKE TWENTY FIVE

 

I really like twenty five

Letters of the alphabet

I don’t care for the other one 

I don’t know y, I forget

I WAS EAVESDROPPING ON THE BUS

 

I was eavesdropping on the bus

But I couldn’t quite get the gist

They mentioned Angry Birds

But was it the game or feminists

SOMETIMES MARKETING

Sometimes marketing

Really confuses me

For example “a free gift”

Aren't all gifts free?

I WAS SUSPICIOUS WHEN HE SPOKE

I was suspicious when he spoke

As he sounded like a con man

Because if Teflon is really non stick

How does it stick to the pan? 

EUREKA, I’VE SEEN THE LIGHT

 

Eureka, I’ve seen the light

Why didn’t I see it before

And all I had to do was

To open the fridge door

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

The English language

Can be quite absurd

i.e. why is abbreviation

Such a long word? 

I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE LAST NIGHT

I had a terrible nightmare last night

Which really wasn’t very nice

Which left me thinking, what happens

If you get scared half to death twice? 

A THOUSAND MILE JOURNEY # 1

 

A journey of a thousand miles

Begins with a single step apparently

Well that’s the philosophical view

It begins with a broken fan belt in reality

ARE YOU WEARING A DOILY?

 

Are you wearing a doily?

Oh it’s some kind of hat?

Oh it’s called a fascinator?

Well I never heard of that

I USED TO HAVE A TINY LIZARD

 

I used to have a tiny Lizard

He was really small and cute

I used to call him Tiny,

Because he was “my newt”

I RAN THE CAKE STALL AT THE VILLAGE FETE

 

I ran the Cake stall at the Village Fete

Charging 50 pence per bake

Well, that’s not exactly true

I charged more for “Madeira cake”

WHEN MECHANICAL PROBLEMS OCCUR

 

When mechanical problems occur,

Preferring to be on the ground

Wishing you were in the air

Is a philosophy that’s sound,

Compared to being in the air

Wishing you were on the ground

MY SON ASKED WHY I SPOKE SO QUIETLY

 

My son asked why I spoke so quietly

While at home and I responded brightly

That China were listening, and he laughed,

So, I laughed, and then our devices laughed

I HAVE A LITTLE RIDDLE FOR YOU

 

I have a little riddle for you

If you would like to play?

It has two eyes and smokes

Give up? – The answer is Pompeii

IF YOU SCRATCH A CYNIC

 

If you scratch a cynic,

Beneath the exterior,

You will probably find

A disappointed dreamer

DON’T LOOK BACK TO YESTERDAY

 

Don’t look back to yesterday

Because that is now history

Instead look ahead to tomorrow

Because the future is a mystery

DON’T TAKE LIFE FOR GRANTED

 

Don’t take life for granted

Treat each day as a gift

They’re aptly called the present

And each one gives you a lift

DOES THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

 

Does the pursuit of happiness

Leave you ultimately unhappy

Then don’t pursue happiness,

Instead, you should just be happy

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR FUN?

 

Are you wearing it for fun?

Well that a very funny one

But what’s even funnier

Is that your flies are undone

FRENCH FAVOURITE

 

As a Nation, the French

Like to eat Snails

But as a fast food option

The traditional dish fails

THE DISTRESSED LIBRARIAN

 

We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves!

The Librarian yelled in distress

When she entered the library and found

The books were all in a mess

STAR WARS MOVIES WERE MADE

 

Star Wars Movies were made

Out of sequence, because

At the beginning, in charge

Of film scheduling, Yoda was.

I LOVE BRUCE WILLIS MOVIES

 

I love Bruce Willis Movies

But I have been barred

My wife told me to stop

As our marriage had been marred

So, I tried to wean myself off them

But Old habits Die Hard

MY REMOTE CONTROL STOPPED WORKING

 

My remote control stopped working

And wouldn’t operate the TV

It turned out that the batteries were dead

It was nothing short of AA calamity

WE ALL WANT THERESA MAY GONE

 

We all want Theresa May gone

But stubbornly making a fuss

And she just won’t go away

She’s like a bad case of thrush

I HAVE SUFFERED WITH KIDNEY STONES

 

I have suffered with Kidney stones

But I am happy to declare

That Elvis has left the building

With more than one Jordanaire

MY BEST FRIEND ASKED ABOUT MY MARRIAGE

 

My best friend asked about my marriage

And how things were going there

I said I hadn’t spoken to her for three weeks

As I didn't want to interrupt her

I PREFER THE MORE ROMANTIC VIEW

 

I prefer the more romantic view

Even if it’s not scientifically right

That the stars in the nocturnal sky

Are holes in the curtain of night

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR FUN?

 

Are you wearing that for fun?

That’s a good enough reason Hon

I really love you in the black one

But I love more when it’s undone

A LEXICON HAS A DRUG PROBLEM

 

A Lexicon has a drug problem

And is facing a disciplinary

For persistently failing screening

And he was declared addictionary

MY UNCLE IS A PART TIME HITMAN

 

My uncle is a part time hitman

Who in accordance with his wife’s wishes

Also works as a janitor at the aquarium

Where he sweeps with the fishes

I’VE FALLEN OUT WITH OUR LOLLIPOP LADY

 

I’ve fallen out with our lollipop lady

And our relationship has lost its gloss

Everything would have been okay

If not for the fact she made me cross

COW CROSSING

 

Why did the Cow cross the road?

Well, she risked her health and hide

For a blatantly obvious reason

As she wanted to get to the udder side

NO ONE WOULD SIT NEXT TO THE MUSHROOM

 

No one would sit next to the mushroom

And he really didn’t understand why

It happened whatever the occasion

And it confused him as he was a fungi

THE DEFINITION OF A PLUMBER

 

The definition of a Plumber

Is quite easily comprehended

It’s someone who has to repair

The things that I have mended

THERE MAY HAVE BEEN SOME DOUBT

 

There may have been some doubt

As to his allegiance to the club

Denoted by replica shirt and shorts

But no such doubt existed in regard

To the authenticity of his jock strap

As we all know what they supports.

JEZZA CAME CLOSE AT THE LAST ELECTION

 

Jezza came close at the last election

There’s certainly no doubt about that

But that was then, but now he’s gone

From Corbyn to Hasbyn in no time flat

ON THE JOURNEY THROUGH MARRIAGE

 

On the journey through marriage

There is inevitably a little strife

But I would say as a general rule

“A happy wife means a happy life”

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A LAUGH?

 

Are you wearing it for a laugh?

It’s overly sweet in fact it’s cloying

I know it’s supposed to be funny

But to me it’s just annoying

ROSES ARE RUSSET

 

Roses are russet,

Violets are Sienna

I guess I must be

Colourblind then

ROSES ARE GREY

 

Roses are grey,

Violets are bleak

I found out I was

Colorblind last week

MY SISTER WOULD ONLY WORK ON ONE ANIMAL

 

My sister would only work on one animal

So all the local farmers mocked her

And upset her, but I soon cheered her up

When I pointed out that she was a Doctor

MY WIFE MOCKED ME

 

When I said I would make a bike out of spaghetti,

I was greeted by the sound of my wife’s laughter

Well she was laughing on the other side of her face

On that wonderful day when I rode straight pasta

NUMBERS GUY

 

My next-door neighbour is a mathematician

He’s a seriously clever bloke is Graham

But he’s scared to death of negative numbers

And he'll stop at nothing to avoid them

PASSWORD PROTECTION

 

I forgot my online banking password again

So I know what needs to be done about that

And I know the importance of security but I wonder

Exactly how many times I can rename my cat?

I BROKE MY GLASSES THE OTHER DAY

 

I broke my glasses the other day

So, I knew what had to be done

But guess who I bumped into

While at the opticians? Everyone

MY COMPUTER IS FREEZING

 

My computer was always cold

In fact I thought it was broken

But our IT guy just told me

It was coz I left Windows open

ALPHABETICAL JEALOUSY

 

There is definitely some jealousy among

The letters of the alphabet it seems to me

I’m thinking of two letters in particular

Who work in unison and they are NV

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A LAUGH?

 

Are you wearing that for a laugh?

Well you are a sight not to be missed

But given the fact we’re in church

I would suggest that you are pissed

I DISCOVERED MY FAVOURITE DUCK WAS SICK # 2

 

I discovered my favourite duck was sick

So to provide the knowledge I lack

I called for the local vet to attend

But when he turned up he was a quack

I’M GOOD AT CHEMISTRY AND I’M FUNNY # 2

 

I’m good at chemistry and I’m funny

Those are the talents, I rely upon

So when asked for a good Chemistry joke

I replied that all the good ones Argon

WHEN YOU’RE A DICTATOR LIKE MADURO

 

When you’re a dictator like Maduro

It’s difficult to find time to shop

But for his Palace building materials

He always shops at the Home Despot