THERE IS KNOWLEDGE I NEED TO KNOW # 7

 

There is knowledge I need to know

I’m sorry I don’t mean to blether

But how does the snowplow driver

Get to work in the winter weather

IN MY BACK GARDEN DURING LAST WINTER

 

In my back garden during last Winter

I saw the strangest of things

The fattest Robin I’ve ever seen

It was like a cricket ball with wings

ONE FOOT OF SNOW FELL

 

One foot of snow fell

In the town of Lexington

So, when he went outside

He only wore one Wellington

I WAS NEARLY KILLED BY A SALT LORRY

 

I was nearly killed by a salt lorry

As I was riding in Surrey Heath

I was so angry I shouted at the driver

Though it was through gritted teeth

RED CHEEKS

 

Cheeks wear a rosy glow

As they play out in the snow

Making the snowman grow

Until the wind begins to blow

And they look at me and know

It’s time for a mug of cocoa

THE BLIZZARD OF OZ

 

The Blizzard of Oz

Continued to blow

Until the yellow brick road

Was covered in snow

I SAW SOMETHING NOT VERY NICE

I saw something not very nice

A poor old man fell over on the ice

I rushed over to him right away

He was very poor I would say

Lying on the icy ground

His pockets contained about a pound

A SNOWMANS TALE

 

When I was very little

My dad and his brother

Built a huge snowman

Bigger than any other

 

He was as tall as Dad

And was round and fat

It had coal for eyes

And a big black hat

 

A scarf about its neck

For sartorial style

A large carrot nose

And a twig for a smile

 

Knobbly stick arms

With gloves at the end

A belt around its girth

Like a cummerbund

 

I loved that snowman

Standing so very tall

Until the eventual thaw

And I watched him fall 

YOU ARE THE BONNIEST CHILD

 

You are the bonniest child

Cute from head to toe

You melt our hearts

As you joyfully go

For your first time

Out to play in the snow

I BUILT THE PERFECT SNOWMAN

 

I built the perfect snowman

Well, a snow-woman actually

She was a little disproportionate

But she was perfect to me

She was a little cold

But we could’ve been happy

 

I wrapped her in a blanked

And took her to my bed

In the morning I was hoping,

Though nothing was said

That we would make love

But I woke alone instead

And to make matters worst

One of us had wet the bed

SNOWMAN

 

What a lovely snowman

Big and round and tall

There isn’t anything I like better

Really nothing at all

It’s the first thing I look for

As soon as the snow falls

It’s definitely a snowman

See it has “Snowballs”

NICE

 

Making your way in life, it’s nice

To know you can, once or twice

Rely on other people in a trice

For assistance, guidance or advice

 

They’ll be no shortage of advice

But knowing what piece or slice

Of advice or guidance will suffice

You might just as well roll a dice

 

This axiom though it be concise

Won’t be bettered to be precise

So you take heed or pay the price

“Don’t eat yellow snow or ice”

THE CHILD COMES ALIVE

 

The child in us all

Comes alive when it comes

It has the uncanny knack

To chase away the glums

I still get excited

Just thinking about it

And when it starts

I don’t want it to quit

The child in me comes alive

It really excites me so

When I hear someone say

“It’s starting to snow”

FROM THE OLD

 

From the old,

The sick,

And the weary,

To the young,

The active,

And the teary

One thing I’ve come to know.

Is everyone loves the snow

CAREFULLY CRAFTED

 

A carefully crafted snowman

Round and fat

Sits on the front lawn

Wearing Daddies hat

Uncanny Tales – (42) The Bar Steward

 

In the early eighties I worked behind the bar at a pub in Woking called the Surrey, however it was not named after the county in which it stood but rather the horse drawn carriage as featured in the musical “Oklahoma” namely “the Surrey with the fringe on top”.

The pub was built in the mid-sixties as a prefabricated temporary structure to service the fast expanding local area and was meant to be replaced by a permanent brick-built pub at a later date.

But more than sixty years later the prefab pub still stands in the same spot and is still in use as a pub.

The pub was a typical example of the period, and unlike today you had a wide range of bitters on offer and a small selection of lagers now of course it’s the other way round.

The youth of today take no time to develop the taste for good ales instead choosing something that’s merely cold and wet. 

Anyway as I said I worked behind the bar, I had been a regular there for a few years before Phil asked me if I wanted a job and I even played on the darts team for two seasons and was mentioned in the Woking News and Mail for best start and highest finish in a 7 – 1 thrashing of the Royal Oak.

It was an alright pub nothing special but alright and with the usual mix of heroes and villains, unremarkable's and unforgetable's, the good the bad and the ugly.

In the unforgettable category came two people of particular distinction firstly was Old Bob who was eighty three when I knew him who was an ex Coldstream Guard and a veteran of the Great War and a real character and secondly Ray Robinson another ex-army man though of younger vintage, Ray was an ex Grenadier turned social worker, incidentally the only social worker I didn’t want to slap, who every Christmas gave up his time to dress up as Santa and be flown by helicopter to various children’s homes, when there was still such a thing, delivering presents.

He would always raise at least one glass to the regiment, and he called his long-suffering wife his Duchess, but he was truly a good man who was sadly taken to young at the hands of cancer, a great loss.

Ray was the only person able to get anything resembling a proper smile out of Phil the landlord.

Phil and his wife Pat were an odd couple, they were like a pair of miscast actors in a soap opera and totally unsuited for the profession they found themselves in.

What prompted them to pursue a career in the pub trade we will never ever know but it was a bad move.

They had no concept of hospitality and an inability to foster even an ounce of goodwill from their customers and there was more than a hint of being inconvenienced when they had to stop what they were doing in order to serve someone.

They were indeed an unwelcoming pair but although Phil was not accustomed to smiling, his wife Pat wore an expression on her face that could stop traffic, but thankfully she kept away much of the time.   

On one Sunday I was working the lunchtime shift when Pat appeared from the back room, it was very rare to see her at all on a Sunday but putting in an appearance at lunch time was totally unheard of, but there she was.

A man put two glasses on the counter, one pint and a spirit, just as Pat stepped through the door and he called to her.

“Pint of lager and a vodka and lime”

Pat hadn’t seen the man put the glasses on the counter but picked up the pint glass that stood in front of him and asked.

“Is this the lager?”

“It’d look bloody stupid with a vodka and lime in it” he retorted

Pat put the glass down and turned round and went back upstairs.

It was an interesting job at times, and it had its perks, for instance I always hate New Year’s Eve, mainly because it’s such a pointless celebration that now seems to be another excuse to let off fireworks.

Also I hate it because if you stay at home there’s nothing on TV if you go out the pubs, clubs and restaurants are packed and all the organized parties end at 12.15, house parties never end but then house parties are pants unless you’re sixteen.

The best New Year’s Eve I ever spent was behind the bar at the Surrey, what a great night, plenty of room behind the bar, free entertainment, wages, and tips by the bucket load.

On the same Sunday that Pat had put in her brief appearance I was also working the evening shift which, due to heavy snowfall, was the quietest shift I ever worked, we only had three customers in all night, in fact Phil even went the other side of the bar to make up a foursome on the dart board.

At the end of the evening we sent off our three intrepid customers and locked up and after clearing away, which didn’t take long, I headed off myself, my car was buried at the wrong end of the car park so I decided to leave the car and walk, I could have got the car out if I’d wanted to but I like the snow and we don’t get much of it so I took the chance to walk home in it.

When I got to within a hundred yards of home, I needed to cross the road just after a junction, I looked up the road and there was a car heading in my direction but it was fifty yards away and as I was crossing after the junction and the car was already indicating left I deemed it safe to cross.

When I was halfway over, I noticed that although the car was indicating left and the front wheels were turning to the left the car was not in fact turning left, in fact it was coming straight for me.

I decided I would move quicker, but suddenly I was like a cartoon   character with my legs going like pistons and yet I was still in the same spot.

It was a surreal slow-motion moment with the car getting slowly closer and I could see the panic in the face of the driver and I was still not moving, but then simultaneously, the car suddenly veered violently to the left and it slewed round the corner and my feet at last gained some traction and I found myself on the pavement were I fell on my backside.

A few months after my near-death experience I gave up my job at the Surrey in order to run the Social Club bar where I had my day job, but I still frequented my local on my free evenings.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 431

 

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

Followed by an average winter

Then he had an indifferent spring

Leading to the most glorious summer

I WAS NEARLY KILLED BY A SALT LORRY

 

I was nearly killed by a salt lorry

As I was riding in Surrey Heath

I was so angry I shouted at the driver

Though it was through gritted teeth

ONE FOOT OF SNOW FELL

 

One foot of snow fell

In the town of Lexington

So, when he went outside

He only wore one Wellington

THERE IS KNOWLEDGE I NEED TO KNOW # 7

 

There is knowledge I need to know

I’m sorry I don’t mean to blether

But how does the snowplough driver

Get to work in the winter weather