AFTER A LOCAL MAN WAS KILLED

 

After a local man was killed

By a falling piano

It has been announced

A low-key funeral will follow

ARE YOU WEARING A SHROUD?

 

Are you wearing a shroud?

Well I think you should be

Because I think you look like

Death warmed up to me

GRANDPA ALWAYS SAID THAT HE WANTED

 

Grandpa always said that he wanted,

And he had the plans formalised,

That he would be laid to rest with Nan

So on his death we had her euthanized

FUNERALS DO NOT HAVE TO BE A TIME OF SADNESS

 

Funerals do not have to be a time of sadness

And while they should not be a time of gladness

They can still be a time of celebration though

Especially if the deceased was a miserable so and so

I AM ATTENDING WALTERS FUNERAL

 

I am attending Walters Funeral

Because I was a friend of his

And I think that today we could

Definitely say where Wally is

THE INSURANCE MAN

 

The Insurance man went

To a funeral in Glasgow

Simply because he had

Never seen a Scottish widow

MY JOB CHOSE ME

My job chose me, unlike

Ordinary work slaves

I became an undertaker

As my name is Phil Graves

THE GRAVESIDE SERVICE WAS OVER

 

The graveside service was over,

When there was a clap of thunder,

Followed by a bolt of lightning,

Then a louder clap of thunder

The old man turned and said

“Well, she’s arrived then Vicar”

FORWARD THINKING FUNERAL DIRECTORS

 

Forward thinking Funeral directors

Strike when opportunity knocks

The one in our town won an award

For thinking outside the box

HE WAS A ROGUE WHEN HE LIVED

He was a rogue when he lived

And won’t be missed a bit

When you lay him in a box

Don’t buy the expensive kit

Or he’ll return from beyond

And then he’ll try to sell it

I WENT TO A FUNERAL TODAY

 

I went to a funeral today

What a totally depressing day

In was a humanist service

Cold and utterly soulless

With some mumbling buffoon

Waffling on in monotone

A couple of poorly read poems

From some well-thumbed tomes

And ended in a fit of irony

To the tune of “stay with me”

He was not religious I will concede

But even a man lacking a creed

Should be launched into oblivion

To the sound of a rousing requiem

GRANDPA ALWAYS SAID THAT HE WANTED

 

Grandpa always said that he wanted,

And he had the plans formalised,

That he would be laid to rest with Nan

So on his death we had her euthanized

FUNERALS DO NOT HAVE TO BE A TIME OF SADNESS

 

Funerals do not have to be a time of sadness

And while they should not be a time of gladness

They can still be a time of celebration though

Especially if the deceased was a miserable so and so

I AM ATTENDING WALTERS FUNERAL

 

I am attending Walters Funeral

Because I was a friend of his

And I think that today we could

Definitely say where Wally is

Uncanny Tales – (32) Funereal Finery

Funerals have had an unduly erotic effect upon me since the morning of my grandfather’s funeral in 1963 when I was 13 years old.

I was in Aunt Julie’s bedroom looking to pinch a couple of her cigarettes while she was having a bath, but she finished sooner than I anticipated, so not wishing to get into trouble for stealing, I hid in the wardrobe and watched.

I watched her sitting on the bed as she dried her long brown hair, I looked on  as she stood with her back to me while she dried her curvaceous body and offered tantalizing glimpses of what was hidden from view and because of those glimpses I was sporting a serious woody, and I carried on watching until the moment she turned around and threw the towel on the bed and I saw my first naked woman.

My eyes were like saucers as they were drawn first to her great globular breasts and then down to her curly brown triangle and as I fidgeted in the wardrobe I came in my pants, but that didn’t stop me from continuing to look at her as she first, put on her black suspender belt around her narrow waist followed by black silk French drawers.

Aunt Julie did each item deliciously slowly like she knew she had an audience, next she pulled on the first black stocking up her long slender leg and as she leant forward to fasten the suspender her breasts swung voluptuously.

At the same slow deliberate pace she repeated the process for the second stocking and she stood up after fastening the second suspender and seemed to look straight at me before she harnessed her large round breasts in a black lacy construction and when she had finished fastening her bra I saw the image to which every woman would be subsequently compared.

The addition of an under slip did not diminish my appreciation of her but when the dress went on I knew the show was over.

I had to wait in the wardrobe with sticky pants for another 25 minutes while she applied her makeup until she finally went downstairs, and I could escape my hiding place.

As I got to the door I looked back towards back towards my hiding place and I could see the reason I thought she was looking at me because next to the wardrobe door was a full-length mirror.

MY JOB CHOSE ME

My job chose me, unlike

Ordinary work slaves

I became an undertaker

As my name is Phil Graves

I AM ATTENDING WALTERS FUNERAL

 

I am attending Walters Funeral

Because I was a friend of his

And I think that today we could

Definitely say where Wally is

FUNERALS DO NOT HAVE TO BE A TIME OF SADNESS

 

Funerals do not have to be a time of sadness

And while they should not be a time of gladness

They can still be a time of celebration though

Especially if the deceased was a miserable so and so

CATERING FOR EVERYONE

 

The funeral directors

Have an annual dinner dance

You should go some time

If you get the chance

The foods not up to much

Considering it cost a packet

The strangest dish however

Is “Chicken in a Casket”

GOOD BYE BABY DOLL

You lie alone

So small, so fragile

Boxed like a doll

In a toy store window

Where passers-by say

“It’s almost lifelike”

But you are not a doll

You are not for sale

For you are not whole

The essence that was you

Has left you empty

Like a box within a box

You lie alone

Your angelic soul

Was borne to heaven

On the wings of a dove