ARE YOU WEARING BREEKS?

 

Are you wearing breeks?

And very fetching they are Hen

And now if you wouldn’t mind

Can you take them off again?

MY WIFE BOUGHT ME A QUILTED COAT

 

My wife bought me a quilted coat

Which I avoid wearing whenever I can

And that’s simply because it makes me

Look like a deflated Michelin man

ALTHOUGH I’M CLEARLY NOT A GIRL

Although I’m clearly not a girl I do

Understand the concept of a trainer bra

But if there are similar aims with trainer socks

Then I don’t know what they are 

WE WERE SHOPPING FOR HOLIDAY CLOTHES

We were shopping for holiday clothes

And we were very nearly done

When my wife reached the swimwear

“Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”

She asked me so I replied “get a bikini”

'You will never get it all in one”

ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?

 

Are you wearing socks?

Tell me that you are, pray

Why must you adopt

The most bohemian way

And be quite sock less

On your wedding day

ARE YOU WEARING COMBINATIONS?

 

Are you wearing combinations?

I must say with total resignation

It’s not the sexiest underwear

For you to be wearing under there

SHE WAS A VERY BIG LASS

 

She was a very big lass

And Apple shaped I suppose

But she was dressed

In quite unsuitable clothes

 

Beige Lycra pedal pushers

And a long white clingy top

They would have looked better

Left hanging in the shop

 

It certainly was a sight

I wouldn’t easily forget

As I watched her in the sun

Looking like a melting cornet

MUM KNITTED ME A JUMPER

 

Mum knitted me a jumper

I hate wearing it as I look silly

But I’m a kid so I have to

Especially when mum feels chilly

ARE YOU WEARING SLIPPERS?

 

Are you wearing slippers?

Yes, I do think they suit you

I'm just questioning their suitability

For a visit to the zoo

THE RIGHT WEATHER

 

If you live in the United States

And the weather uses all of its charms

Wear a short-sleeved shirt

After all you have the right to bare arms

ARE YOU WEARING LEDERHOSEN?

 

Are you wearing lederhosen?

Well, that’s a look you could lose

And they make your buttocks squeak

Like a pair of new shoes

SHE WAS A VERY BIG LASS

 

She was a very big lass

And Apple shaped I suppose

But she was dressed

In quite unsuitable clothes

 

Beige Lycra pedal pushers

And a long white clingy top

They would have looked better

Left hanging in the shop

 

It certainly was a sight

I wouldn’t easily forget

As I watched her in the sun

Looking like a melting cornet

ARE YOU WEARING A ONESIE? # 1

 

Are you wearing a onesie?

I didn’t know you were the type

But you have surprised me

And yes, I like the tiger stripe

Well yes, I don’t mind if I do

It’s very soft to the touch

Yes, I’d like to feel inside

Thank you so very much

ARE YOU WEARING A KNITTED SWIMSUIT?

 

Are you wearing a knitted swimsuit?

Well I know there’s a recession on

But I’m afraid knitted swimwear

Isn’t at all the right thing to don

 

Because one of two things will happen

The weight of wool will pull them down

Or when you are swimming the weight

Will pull you under and you’ll drown

RED HAT

 

She was a stunner

In her new red hat

And it turned a few heads

Have no doubt of that

 

She was not dressed

As someone one ignores

But everyone was thinking

“Red hat no drawers”

ARE YOU WEARING SILK DRAWERS?

Are you wearing silk drawers?

I only ask you as I can see

That you appear to be the victim

Of an elastic deficiency

And if you combine that

With the force of gravity  

They are around your ankles

You may think it a catastrophe

But I would beg to differ

For me it’s just serendipity 

ARE YOU WEARING AN UNDERSKIRT?

 

Are you wearing an underskirt?

I can see it beneath your hem

Oh, its imported silk is it?

Oh yes of course I like them

ARE YOU WEARING A RED CHAPEAU?

 

Are you wearing a red chapeau?

It’s a very daring choice of yours

Because wearing a red chapeau

They’ll say red hat and no drawers

THERE’S AN ARMY SURPLUS STORE ACROSS THE STREET

 

There’s an Army surplus store across the street

That only sells camouflage gear as far as I can see

I don’t know how well the business is doing

But it seems a bit of a niche market to me

And I watched loads of people go in the shop

But coming out I could only count about three

ARE YOU WEARING A CHAPEAU?

 

Are you wearing a chapeau?

That’s the French for hat you know?

Well, you look quite sweet I must say

Though I’m not a huge fan of the beret

And the rather limp looking overcoat

It isn’t really what you’d call haute

But I need to find a condom dispenser

Because I have a thing for Frank Spencer