MY CROSS EYED TEACHER WAS DISMISSED

 

My cross eyed teacher was dismissed

The governors have no scruples

They said it wasn’t her disability

But that she couldn't control her pupils

COMFORTING THE TEACHER

 

Something upset

My English teacher

So I said to comfort her

“There, their, they’re”

I WENT TO A LECTURE ON TYRE TECHNOLOGY

I went to a lecture on tyre technology

But during the lecture from hell

The lecturer told a joke about a puncture

Which I thought went down well 

MR ONION TOLD A JOKE IN CLASS

Mr Onion told a joke in class

He’s a bore so I don’t know why

But he told it anyway and we

Didn’t know whether to laugh or cry

MY BROTHER TEACHES

 

My brother teaches

Year nine history

Which in itself

Is a bit of a mystery

As there are more

Interesting years surely

SHOPPING ENCOUNTER

 

Their eyes met at the supermarket

She clearly recognized him

But he was drawing a blank

So, a smile was exchanged between them

 

She decided to break the ice

And pleasantly, said "Hello!"

She obviously knew him

She was a stranger to him though

 

So, he asked, "Do you know me?

You do look familiar” he lied

"I think you're the father

Of one of my kids." She replied,

 

“Are you the drunken cheerleader?

I shagged under the bleachers’”

She gave him a look and said

“No, I'm one of your son's teachers"

SUNDAY SCHOOL QUERY

 

Joshua was asked at a Sunday school meeting

“Do you say a prayer at home before eating”? 

Joshua was puzzled at the query, truth to tell

“No, we don't have to, my Mum cooks very well”

MY CAT STORY

 

The teacher questioned Samuel about his homework

“I have just read your story entitled “my cat”

And it is almost exactly the same as your brothers

What do you have to say to that”?

“Well, I didn’t copy Joshua’s story miss” Samuel said

“It’s just that well, we have the same cat”

IF YOU ASK A STUPID QUESTION

 

Joshua was caught talking to a friend during assembly

“What do you call a person” asked the headmaster

“Who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested”? 

Joshua thought and to great applause he said “A teacher”   

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – ANSWERING THE CALL

 

In class one day a boy named Benny

Needed to go to the toilet suddenly

So, he called out loudly to Miss

“Please I really need to take a piss”

The teacher said “No you must wait”

“The correct word to use is urinate”

If you use “urinate” in a sentence correctly

I will allow you to go to the lavatory

And so thought the boy called Benny

Desperate now to spend a penny

“You're an eight miss” says young Ben

“But if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!”

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – A QUESTION OF SYLLABLES

 

“Ok class, today we will learn

About words with multi syllables”

The teacher addressed her class

“Does anyone have an example?”

One boy put up his hand

“Please miss I have an example”

He wrote on the blackboard “Mas-tur-bate”

Then said “that is my example”

The teacher was a little embarrassed
"Gosh that’s a mouthful."
"No, Miss, you're thinking of a blowjob

And that has fewer syllables”

FINDING THE NEW WORLD

 

Maria was asked by the teacher

To go to the map and find America

The girl walked to the map and pointed

“Here it is miss, this is America”

“Well done, now class who can tell me

Who discovered America?”

Immediately a boy’s hand shot in the air

“That’s easy miss it was Maria”

HE HAD A CRUSH ON HIS TEACHER

He had a crush on his teacher

And he thought she said be mine,

While she was marking his essay

And what she said was B minus

MY CROSS EYED TEACHER WAS DISMISSED

 

My cross eyed teacher was dismissed

The governors have no scruples

They said it wasn’t her disability

But that she couldn't control her pupils

THE MUSIC TEACHER WAS FOUND GUILTY

 

The music teacher was found guilty

And put on the sex offender’s register

He was giving guitar lessons and

Was arrested for fingering A minor

THOSE WHO CAN

 

Those who can, will certainly do

Those who can’t become teachers

Those who cannot teach either

Must then become administrators

BAD SCHOOL DAY

 

When I was at school

When I was just a lad

What was embarrassing

And made me very sad

Was the day I called

The history teacher dad

EXCUSE MISS

Reading these excuse notes written to schools

You would think them maybe written by fools

Teachers will view these examples with disgust

I.e., Tom was absent because he missed his bust

Some are misspelled some are worse moreover

Gill was absent yesterday as she had a gangover

Dear Skool, Please ekscuse John Bird

For being absent from the 28^th to the 33^rd 

My son is under a doctor's care and so Jim

Should not take PE today. Please execute him

John has been absent from the school place

Because he had two teeth taken out of his face

Carlos was absent yesterday because to start

While playing he was hurt in the growing part 

Dear school Please excuse Gloria Palmer-King

From Jim class today because She is administrating

Please excuse my daughter little Lisa Trott

For being absent, she was sick and I had her shot

Please excuse Roland from PE for today

He fell from a tree and misplaced his hip, yesterday

Megan could not come to school (the note explains)

Because she has been bothered by very close veins

Dear Skool about my son Christopher Hyde

He’ll not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

Can you Please excuse my son Ray Howell’s

From school today because He has very loose vowels

Please excuse Tommy for being absent this week

But he’s had bad Diarrhoea and his boots leak

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday

We have to attend her funeral on that day

Please excuse the absence of Jason Cromwell

Yesterday He had a cold and could not breed well

My daughter was too tired for school it seems

That She spent a weekend with the Marines

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday

Because She was in bed with gramps all day

Please excuse my daughter Martina Proctor

Because she has been sick under the doctor

Just one more excuse that’s worth its salt

Please excuse Tim for being. It was his father's fault

WE LEARNED ABOUT FOOD GROUPS TODAY AT SCHOOL

We learned about food groups today at school

Confections, vegetables, meat and protein

Dairy, fruits, grains, pulses and legumes

But what about Alcohol, Nicotine and Caffeine

ABORT ABORT

 

Soppy Susie the vacuous blonde student

Was sat in class trying to make the grade

When the teacher asked her if she knew

What the decision was in Roe Vs Wade

 

Finally, she thought she had the answer

After quite a while of just sitting there

“It’s the decision George Washington

Made before he crossed the Delaware.”