IF YOU NEVER WENT TO CHURCH

If you never went to church

But watched songs of praise

That might not be good enough

When under St Peters gaze 

OUR LOCAL CHURCH IS RAISING MONEY

 

Our local church is raising money

For restoration to the steeple

Donors make an online payment

Using the secure system, Papal

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A LAUGH?

 

Are you wearing that for a laugh?

Well you are a sight not to be missed

But given the fact we’re in church

I would suggest that you are pissed

REVEREND FOGHORN LEGHORN

 

Reverend Foghorn Leghorn

Has done his reputation damage

When he was ejected from church

For using fowl language

THE DEVIL LANDED ON THE CHURCH ROOF

 

The devil landed on the church roof

The vicar said “Show him your cross”

So, the curate went outside and shouted

“Piss off you red horned piece of dross”

ARE YOU WEARING PRIESTLY GARMENTS?

 

Are you wearing priestly garments?

How good you look in your vestments

Can you share any indiscretions?

That you hear during confessions

Oh, what a shame you cannot share

I would like to be a fly in there

But what torture it must truly be

Having taken a vow of celibacy

And denying yourself the pleasures,

Of plundering earthly treasures

Only to sit each day in confessions

Listening to others sinful discretions

HIS LATE GRACE

 

When my uncle

Passed away last night

He was given

The last rites

By a Bishop, who

Missed it very nearly

As he could only

Move diagonally

THE CHURCH LADIES

 

The Church ladies have cast off clothing

Of every kind, generously strewn

They may be seen in the back room

Of the church hall every afternoon

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

 

Amidst the preparations

For the upcoming festivities

There has been a lot of demand

On the Church amenities

 

For those of us involved

In pulling the Christmas peel

Found the time to practise

Was far less than ideal

 

I found it difficult to fit it in

Around work and family needs

And often practised alone

At a very late hour indeed

 

One night it all got too much

The final straw I can’t remember

But as a result, I decided to tie

The bell rope around my member

 

I don’t know why it was

That I succumbed to the pressure

But I was discovered

And I was tolled off by the vicar

IF YOU NEVER WENT TO CHURCH

 

If you never went to church

But watched songs of praise

That might not be good enough

When under St Peters gaze

OUR LOCAL CHURCH IS RAISING MONEY

 

Our local church is raising money

For restoration to the steeple

Donors make an online payment

Using the secure system, Papal

ETIQUETTE OF THE CONFESSIONAL

 

Young Priest Benedict was nervous about hearing his first confession

So he decided to ask an old Priest, John to sit in on his first session

Young Father Benedict is happy when he heard his first one or two

However old Father John is concerned after hearing the first few

John says, “step out of the confessional to hear a few suggestions”

Benedict agrees hoping Father John will answer all his questions

John says "fold your arms in your lap or rub your chin with your hand"

John continues "try saying things like 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand”

Young Benedict repeats the words and adopts the pose requested

After practicing with Father John in the style that was suggested

John, nodding, patted Benedict on the back as he practiced once again

"Now, isn’t that better than shouting, 'wow... What happened then?'"