MY TEACHER IS EXTREMELY ANCIENT

 

My teacher is extremely ancient

But I don’t want to be thought a fool  

But it is the truth as he told us

He taught Shakespeare at his old school

MY GIRLFRIEND LOVES HORSES AND

 

My girlfriend loves horses and

All things Shakespearian

And she says “To be or not to be

A horse rider, that is equestrian”

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 10

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

Contrary to the rumour did not peg it

After they stole the theatre takings

They were recognised and had to leg it

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 9

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

Contrary to the rumour, live on

They are based in Blackpool

Where they do summer season 

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 8

 

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

Contrary to the rumour, are not dead

They are in the Australian jungle

Doing “I’m a Celebrity” instead

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 7

 

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

I can confirm are deceased no more

Though close enough, as they are

Hosting Bake Off on Channel 4

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 6

 

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

Contrary to the rumour of their demise

Are working as the Chuckle Brothers

In their most cunning disguise

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 5

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

Contrary to the rumour, are not dead

But are doing an Elizabethan tribute act

At the Edinburgh Fringe instead 

MY FATHER IN LAW FLATLY REFUSED

 

My father in law flatly refused to

Watch Henry the IV part two

He said “I’m not like other people

I can’t watch another sequel”

A MAN APPEARING AS HAMLET

 

A man appearing as Hamlet

Was booed while performing it

“Don’t blame me” he snapped

“I didn’t write this bloody shit”

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WASN’T ALLOWED

 

William Shakespeare wasn’t allowed

To drink in his local hostelry

And the reason for that was because

He had been Bard obviously

THE GREATEST SHAKESPEARIAN VILLAIN

 

The greatest Shakespearian villain,

Who would make a demon scowl,

Was Macbeth the chicken-killer,

Because he did murder most foul

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 6

 

My son jokes about my age

His humour is very severe

He says that when I was at school

I sat next to Shakespeare

MY BROTHER IN LAW IS FROM STRATFORD

 

My brother-in-law is from Stratford

He went to Shakespeare's school

No of course he didn’t know him

He was in the year above you fool

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 4

 

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

Contrary to the rumour did not snuff it

They’re living in a bedsit in Merseyside

Where they have to rough it

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 3

 

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

Contrary to the rumour are not deceased

But are locked away in Broadmoor

And will never be released

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 2

 

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

Contrary to the rumour of their demise

Are presenting shows as Ant and Dec

In their most cunning disguise

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 1

 

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

Contrary to the rumour, are not dead

But are doing a Piano cabaret act

On a cruise ship instead

THE LOCAL AM-DRAM GROUP

 

The local Am-Dram group

Is presenting Hamlet presently

And sadly, I have been invited

To attend this particular tragedy

WINDY WILL

 

Blow, blow thou inner wind -

Thou art so unkind

As man's flatulence

Thy toot is not so keen,

Because thou art not seen,

Although thy breath be rude