SLEEP PERCHANCE TO DREAM

 

Finally, my tired mind was at peace

And my eyes closed, and I was able to dream

But after falling asleep it seemed

Like minutes, before the alarm began to scream

EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO RISE

 

Early to bed, early to rise

Makes a man healthy wealthy and wise

Early to rise, late to bed

Makes a man haggard fatigued and dead

SLEEP IS MY MOST FAVOURITE THING

 

Sleep is my most favourite thing

From lights out to days dawning

In fact it would be true to say

It's the why I get up in the morning

LAST NIGHT I WAS SHAKEN VIOLENTLY AWAKE

 

Last night I was shaken violently awake

So I thought it must be an earthquake

But I soon realised as my heart was soaring

It was just my wife telling me I was snoring

SISTER AGATHA AT THE CONVENT

Sister Agatha at the convent

Was somnambulistic

The sleep walking nun

Was called a Roaming Catholic 

ON MY BED AT HOME # 2

 

On my bed at home I have

A deluxe memory foam mattress

But it remembers I’m overweight

Which causes me great distress

ON MY BED AT HOME # 1

 

On my bed at home I have

A deluxe memory foam mattress

But it remembers I’m over sixty

Which causes me great distress

I HAVE A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS # 2

 

I have a memory foam mattress

And I awake feeling brighter

I just wish it would remember me

When I was Three stone lighter

SLUMBER WARNING (IP)

 

There is a limit to how early

You might go to your repose

Or you might end up retiring

Before you actually arose

SLEEPLESS NIGHT

 

I lay in bed quite restless

In a measure of distress

Uncomfortable in my nightdress

And I started to obsess

 

Why was the sun an absentee?

Then quite suddenly

At half past three

It dawned on me

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 3

 

Dreams are an odd part of life

Last night my considerate wife

Woke me from my slumber to declare

“It was so bloody unfair”

I said “what on earth is wrong?

“What’s unfair, what’s going on? 

“The life of a sports journalist”

She replied and she wasn’t even pissed

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 2

 

Dreams are really very odd

Last night my wife sat up and said

“Tell Lionel to stop

It’s really hurting my head”

I enquired politely

What the hell she was on about

“Lionel Blair is in the wardrobe

Get the tosser out”

Now considering the early hour

I had the patience of Job

And softly said “Why would he 

Be in our wardrobe”?

A fare question, I thought

She just gave me a frown

“Tap dancing you idiot”

And then she lay back down

MY WIFE IS MAD YET

 

My wife is mad

Last night she snored so loud

That she woke herself up

Then she hit me

For snoring so bloody loud

That I woke her up

 

But to add insult onto injury

Which left me upset

I was the one who hadn’t

Even been to sleep yet

MY WIFE IS MAD

 

My wife is mad

Last night she snored so loud

That she woke herself up

Then she hit me

For snoring so bloody loud

That I woke her up

SLEEP DEPRIVATION

 

I lie awake in the wee small hours

Unable to just drift away

My mind is constantly replaying

All the events of the day

I’ve tossed and I’ve turned

I even counted sheep for a bit

Now I find my foot has gone to sleep

And I long to catch up with it

SNOOZE VILLE

 

I want to inhabit forever

That special place that dreams fill

That safe and cosy place

Beneath the duvet in Snooze Ville

 

Between wake and slumber

A place that fulfils wishes

Where lover’s hands are held

And lips deliver stolen kisses

 

A place where dreams come true

Where loved ones live forever

A place where all is forgiven

And success comes with any endeavour

 

Where you can embrace forbidden lovers

Sweet moments of utter bliss

Or be together again with first loves

With kisses and caresses to reminisce

 

I want to inhabit forever

That special place that Dreams fill

That safe and cosy place

Beneath the duvet in Snooze Ville

A BLOCKED VALVE

 

I have some information to impart

Why it is that men snore

When they lie on their backs

Is the time they do it more

It’s a simple case of physics

Because their dangly bits of genitalia

Hang down to block their anal orifice

Which in turn causes apnea

I PLUGGED MY ELECTRIC BLANKET INTO THE TOASTER

 

I plugged my electric blanket into the toaster

Not deliberately, I knew that wouldn’t be right

It really happened by mistake, but it happened

And as a result, I kept popping out of bed all night

I PLUGGED MY ELECTRIC BLANKET INTO THE TOASTER

 

I plugged my electric blanket into the toaster

Not deliberately, I knew that wouldn’t be right

It really happened by mistake, but it happened

And as a result I kept popping out of bed all night

SLEEP PERCHANCE TO DREAM

 

Finally, my tired mind was at peace

And my eyes closed, and I was able to dream

But after falling asleep it seemed

Like minutes, before the alarm began to scream