ARE YOU WEARING A DENIM SKIRT?

 

Are you wearing a denim skirt?

Whether it’s in fashion or not

If you don’t mind me being bold

You manage to make it look hot

I’M SOMETHING OF A JOKER # 1

 

I’m something of a joker

In fact, I’m comedy crazy

I even have a Sloth joke

But to be fare it’s a bit lazy

DIFFERENCES # 1

 

There is a difference between

A skinny blonde schmuck

And a counterfeit US dollar

Is that one is a phony buck

WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE FAT FINGERS

 

Why do Gorillas have fat fingers?

Is one question that still lingers

But clearly the obvious conclusion

Is large nostrils are the reason

MEDIUM OR RARE

 

There is a great difference

Between medium and rare?

Six inches is only medium

But eight is much more rare                             

FISH BRIEF

 

There is a difference, you will find

Between a Solicitor and a catfish

For one is a scum-sucking scavenger

While the other is a type of fish

I GOT AN ELEPHANT

 

I got an elephant, for my sons’ room

Though it’s really more like a bedsit

And he was incredibly grateful to me

But I said in response "Don't mention it"

BREAK A LEG

 

“Break a leg?” is an actors saying

Which is from the distant past

And has become a tradition

Because every play has a cast

A PAIR OF MONKEYS

 

As two monkeys were getting into the bath

The first monkey had prepared for them

And the second one said: “Oo, oo, aah, ahh”

The first retorted “Put some cold in then”

HUMEROUS HAIKU # 1

 

I heard about the

Claustrophobic astronaut

Who wanted some space

ARE YOU WEARING A DENIM SHIRT?

 

Are you wearing a denim shirt?

Well if I may be so bold

Whether it’s in fashion or not

You manage to make it look old

ARE YOU WEARING A COCKADE HAT?

 

Are you wearing a cockade hat?

With red, white and blue on

I hope you’re going to a party

And you don’t think you’re Napoleon

ARE YOU WEARING A FAT SUIT?

 

Are you wearing a fat suit?

Well that shape can’t be ignored

But wait it’s not a suit is it?

I recognise you now Mr Blackford

I WAS TOLD BY A COUNTRYMAN

 

I was told by a countryman that

The best way to catch a Rabbit

Is to hide among the bushes

And make a noise like a Carrot

THE PHRASE RAGS TO RICHES

 

The phrase “Rags to riches”

Is a very interesting idiom

As historically garments went

From the Rich to the ragged

MY SON REALLY HURT HIS ARM

 

My son really hurt his arm

The Doc said “there no harm

Done” I insisted he Humour us

And check out the Humerous

FENCED

 

Uncle John the fence, has passed away

And the news has left me feeling sorry

But I have to say it was poetic justice

Because he fell off the back of a lorry

YOUNG JIMBO

 

I got a rescue dog from Battersea

And I called the puppy, Jimbo

But he needed obedience classes

Where they walked us to and fro

 

When he needed to be at heel

Jimbo almost always ran away

Then he came bounding back

When he was meant to sit and stay

 

And when he walked on the lead

I had to pull young Jimbo back

Or he was round and round my feet

Until I ended up lying on my back

 

So we stopped going to the classes

And I have a stick for him to chase

I can forgive my Jimbo anything

When he jumps up to lick my face

PUZZLED PARTNER

 

You are 13 down

And always 2 across

You are never 1 down

And sadly not 19 across

You are six letters

Starting with a T         

You are coffee time

And an acrostic too

As well as cryptic

Let’s try 11 down

Followed by three across

Which is what the canines do

You to be 7 down

I have never known

A dictionary won’t help me

Nor a thesaurus

For like most women

You are an unsolved puzzle

THIRTEENTH SIGN OF THE ZODIAC

 

There are more than twelve signs

Of the Zodiac, and the thirteenth sign

Of the astrological year is Pyrex,

Which covers all twelve months

But which house you were born in

Has no relevance to your sign

What qualifies you is the “how”

Because to be born under Pyrex

You have to be a test tube baby

ARE YOU WEARING A CAPE?

Are you wearing a cape?

A superhero’s shoulder drape

But you’re not a caped crusader

You’re a substitute teacher

MR AND MRS COTTON-MOUTH

 

Mr and Mrs Cotton-Mouth

Were the snake undertakers

And when they got married

Gifts were Hiss and Hearse

THE DIAMONDBACK WAS IN TEARS

The Diamondback was in tears

And was quite inconsolable.

The reason was that someone

Had taken away his rattle 

MY FAVOURITE COMEDIAN IS A DUCK

 

My favourite comedian is a duck

I like to see him do stand up

Though he’s not to everyone’s taste

The guy really quacks me up

IF I SAID MY DOG RAN TEN MILES

 

If I said my dog ran ten miles,

And not so his legs were stretched,

But to retrieve his favourite stick,  

Would you think it too far fetched

IN A BORNEO JUNGLE THERE IS

 

In a Borneo jungle there is

An albino orang-utan

That the indigenous people call

A meringue-utan

THE FITTEST HIMALAYAN

 

500 sit-ups a day

For the fittest Himalayan

Has earned him the name

The abdominal snowman

A SLUG IS A CURIOSITY

 

A slug is a curiosity

But if you check their genome

You’ll find they are snails

Who have lost their home

APPARENTLY IT TAKES THREE SHEEP

 

Apparently it takes three sheep

To make a sweater

But I’m pretty sure that humans

Can do it better

GENTLE BEN THE GRIZZLY BEAR

 

Gentle Ben the Grizzly Bear

Got in a bit of a to do

With a Skunk, and he earned

The name Winnie the Pooh

ALL OF THE RABBITS IN THE FIELD

 

All of the Rabbits in the field

Hopped backwards in the sunshine

This very strange occurrence

Is known as a receding hareline

FLY AND THE SPIDER

 

Why oh why

Did the fly, fly?

Because the spider

Spied her

ARE YOU WEARING ANY?

 

Are you wearing any?

Beneath your tartan gear

Because if your kilt flares up

There will be a raucous cheer

PUT THE CAT OUT

 

“Can you put the cat out?”

I heard my angry wife shout

“No, it can use the cat flap”

I immediately shouted back

She then screamed “Put it out!”

And again “put the cat out!”

And each scream got higher

“Because the cat is on fire!”

DAPHNE DUCK WENT TO THE MALL

 

Daphne Duck went to the Mall

With a long gift list to fulfil

And when she finished shopping

She put everything on her Bill

IF YOUR DOG IS STRUCK WITH A FEVER

 

If your Dog is struck with a fever

Consult you medical catalogue

And you’ll find mustard is the cure

As it’s the best thing for a hot dog

WHEN LOBSTERS ARE APART

 

When Lobsters are apart

So as not to feel alone

They regularly keep in touch

On the Shellular phone

FOGHORN’S MILD MANNERED COUSIN

 

Foghorn’s mild mannered cousin

Is a newspaper correspondent 

For the Chicken House Gazzette

And his cousins’ name is Kluck Kent

I WENT TO BUYA NEW TIME PIECE

 

I went to a posh jeweler to buy a new time piece,

And I told the geezer I wanted it really top notch

In response the man in the shop said “Analogue?”

And I replied “No, I just want to buy a watch"

KFC HAVE CROSSBRED

 

KFC have crossbred

A centipede with a chicken

So for the first time ever

There’ll be a leg for everyone

DODO

 

The difference between a Dodo

And a field of Cos and Lollo Roso

Is that one is a funny beast

And the other is a bunny feast

TWO SMITTEN YOUNG SPIDERS

 

Two smitten young spiders,

Called Ryan and Debs

Eloped to Gretna Green

And came home as newly-webs

ARE YOU WEARING ANYTHING TODAY?

 

Are you wearing anything today?

Well as I’m fond of your body type

If the answer is no, we can hang up

The phone and then we can Skype

AT THE END OF THE DAY

 

At the end of the day

Cats enjoy a drink

And the love to hear

The Mice cubes chink

THE BEST WAY TO GET YOU SAFELY

 

The best way to get you safely

Across the desert to the next well

Is on the famous dromedary

Humphrey the three humped camel

FOGHORN LEGHORN WAS MARRIED

 

Foghorn Leghorn was married

To Yoyo, An eccentric Hen,

So called because she laid

The same egg again and again

THE REASON SKUNKS ARGUE

 

The reason Skunks argue

All the time is, I think,

Because they simply

Like to make a big stink

PRISSY LEGHORN CROSSED THE ROAD

 

Prissy Leghorn crossed the road

Without any fuss or theatrics 

Because her husband Foghorn

Said there was a man laying bricks

NATURE IS A REALLY WONDERFUL THING

 

Nature is a really wonderful thing

But I particularly like Hummingbirds

And there is a reason why they hum

It’s because they don’t know the words

DAPHNE DUCK MARRIED

 

Daphne Duck married

Foghorn Leghorn

And their child woke them

At the quack of dawn

FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED

 

Foghorn Leghorn crossed

The Basketball Court

Wearing a scowl

Because he misunderstood

When he heard the ref

Had called a fowl

MATERNAL KANGAROOS

 

Maternal Kangaroos

Hate a rainy day

Because the kids

Stay inside to play

ARE YOU WEARING A COCKTAIL DRESS?

 

Are you wearing a cocktail dress?

And drinking cocktails at the same time

You do know that wearing one without

Drinking the other isn’t actually a crime

I JUST HEARD ON THE NEWS

 

I just heard on the news

That Uncle Ben had died

I’m really devastated.

No more Mr Rice Guy

WHEN TRAGEDY STRIKES AT SEA

 

When tragedy strikes at sea

“This is your captain speaking”

Doesn’t get the message across,

But “THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING”

KARMA RESTAURANT

 

I went to a new restaurant

Called “Karma” and I observed

There was no menu, but everybody

Got what they deserved

I STAYED AT A BRILLIANT NEW HOTEL

 

I stayed at a brilliant new Hotel

It was an absolute gem of a find

But it’ the new corduroy pillows

That are really making headlines

THE FLEA CIRCUS WAS IN TOWN

 

The Flea Circus was in town

And a Dog was keen to go

So he bought himself a ticket

As a result, he stole the show

WHEN SKUNKS ARE APART

 

When Skunks are apart

So as not to feel alone

They regularly keep in touch

On the smellular phone

MEETING BENEATH THE CLOCK

 

Beneath the clock, I waited expectantly

Awaiting my blind date, a little nervously

He’s late but I don’t mind, at least not yet,

No doubt he’ll have a good reason, I bet.

 

He’s here at last and only an hour late

A good-looking man so worth the wait?

Clear blue eyes and his smile is terrific

Oh but his breath could stop the traffic

Nobody’s perfect and he has a kind face

And he’s booked at an exclusive place

 

The restaurant looks fine, very expensive,

Alas appearances were definitely deceptive

The food was poor, and service shambolic

His conversation dull and monosyllabic

Drinking to excess and slobbering food

His table manners nothing short of rude

 

His drinking drove me around the bend

I couldn’t wait for the evening to end

The bill arrived and I was asked to pay half

I replied flatly “you’re having a laugh”

He leapt to his feet exploding with fury

But fell backwards into the shrubbery

I threw him a look of contempt and disdain

Embarrassed, I left saying “never again”

And “of course a blind date would go amiss,

I can’t believe I shaved my legs for this”

COFFEE CONUNDRUM

 

Coffee, Black, that’s all I crave

Nothing fancy, just Black Coffee

Not Latte, nor Macchiato

Cappuccino or even Espresso

But now I’m told by Baristas

It’s wrong to ask for Black Coffee,

Though often without verbalizing,

Instead, it’s with a disapproving look,

Apparently, I want an Americano

Well, I won’t play their stupid game

So now if I want a Black Coffee

I order Coffee without milk

A PARROT SAT ON A CUSTODY CHAIR

 

A Parrot sat on a custody chair

And continually prattled on

In fact he sang like a canary

So he was a real Stool Pigeon

ARE YOU WEARING NOVELTY GLASSES?

 

Are you wearing novelty glasses?

Did you buy them as a kind of remedy?

Well if nothing else they should

Improve your observational comedy

IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL ABOUT CORONA VIRUS

 

If you receive an email about Corona Virus

Claiming that it’s spread by Tinned Ham

The government have stated categorically

You should ignore it because it’s just Spam

ONE DAY OLD AGE WILL ARRIVE

 

One day old age will arrive

And leave you in despair

For example when your teeth

Are less white than your hair

OLD AGE HAS DEFINITELY ARRIVED

 

Old age has definitely

Arrived in your life when,

Your enthusiastic efforts

To catch the attention

Of a friend in the street,

Are met with looks of

Increasing terror, as you

Draw nearer and embrace

A complete stranger

I KNOW I AM MIDDLE AGED WITHOUT ANY DOUBT

 

I know I am Middle aged without any doubt

Because when given a choice when I was out

Between two temptations, I have to confess

I chose the one that got me home the soonest

REMEMBER YOUR VOTE COUNTS

 

Remember your vote counts

In a Democracy

But your Count votes

In a feudal society

A WEASEL WALKED INTO THE SALOON BAR

 

A weasel walked into the saloon bar

Of the Fox and Beagle

“What can I get you?” asked the barman

“Pop” Goes the weasel

SITTING BULL’S WIFE WAS CALLED FOUR HORSES

 

Sitting Bull’s wife was called Four Horses

A beautiful name, but there was a snag

The reason she was given that name was

Because she would nag nag nag and nag

THE POLLEN COUNT

 

The pollen count,

Is a really difficult endeavour

Made especially so,

Because I suffer from hay fever

ARE YOU WEARING THE BOSS’S HAT?

 

Are you wearing the boss’s hat?

I laugh when you call me that

And based on what I spend on kebabs

Either on my own or with the lads

It all adds up to a fair amount of money

Calling me boss is too true to be funny

TWITTER ADDICTION

 

“Please help me,

I’m addicted to Twitter!”

A man tells his doctor,

“What should I do?”

The doctor thought

About it for a moment

Before he replied,

“Sorry, I'm not following you”

LARCENY STREET

 

I didn't know that my dad

Was a street furniture larcenist

But at my dad’s home, were

All the signs that I’d missed

TO PARAPHRASE THE GREAT FRANK CAPRA

 

To paraphrase the great Frank Capra

“I thought drama was when actors cried

But I was clearly mistaken in that belief

As drama is when the audience cries”

ALPHABETICAL FRIENDS

 

I want to be friends with all

Of the alphabet and I really try

But I have only managed

Twenty-five, I don’t know Y

I GOT A BIRTHDAY CARD TODAY

 

I got a Birthday card today

And it was full of rice again

I knew instantly why, because

It was from my Uncle Ben

THE MSM GETS ME DOWN

 

The MSM gets me down

With their depressing lament

So, I am avoiding the news

Like the plague at the moment

IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING TO BUY TOILET ROLL

If you are struggling to buy toilet roll

Find a suitable alternative if you can

And one appropriate solution would be

To wipe your arse with the Guardian 

OLD AGE HAS DEFINITELY ARRIVED WITH A RUSH

 

Old age has definitely arrived with a rush

When you think you’re having a hot flush

But sadly, not for the first time, you forget  

That you switched on the electric blanket

BEING IN ISOLATION WITH MY WIFE

 

Sadly, being in isolation with my wife

Has been to our relationships detriment

And I fear that it will either end

In divorce or more likely life imprisonment

ARE YOU WEARING A CROWN?

 

Are you wearing a crown?

Oh Charles please put it down

Wearing it doesn’t mean a thing

You know you will never be King

BEST BEFORE 1980 # 8

 

It’s true to say as you get older

Your youth you possible may regain

For someday you will be old enough

To start reading fairy tales again

IT WAS PITIFUL TO SEE # 1

 

It was pitiful to see, He was totally inept

Basic problems he was struggling to deal

He’d struggle to pour water from a boot

With the instructions printed on the heel

BAD DRINKING HABIT

 

I went out for a walk,

Just round and about

When I saw in a doorway

An old down and out

Drinking brake fluid

From an old tin cup

I stood for a moment

And watched him sup

“That stuff will kill you,

Which would be a crime”

“Don’t worry” he said

“I can stop anytime”

LOW TECH POLICING

 

The police have now been issued, with pencils

And very thin sheets of paper, all very low tech,

It’s a brand-new initiative being rolled out, so that

When crimes occur, they can trace the suspect

WHENEVER I DO ANY DECORATING

 

Whenever I do any decorating

I always choose my stepladder

And the simple reason for that is

I don't get on with my real ladder

AT THE DOCTORS SURGERY

 

I went to my old Doctor’s place

"I've hurt my arm in several places"

I told him wincing from the pain

He advised "well don't go there again"

I REGULARLY MEET MY GIRLFRIEND

 

I regularly meet my girlfriend

For some, one to one time

So, we have the familiar routine

Of meeting up at 12:59

THE LAST THING DAD SAID

 

The last thing Dad said

Before kicking the bucket

Was “How far do you think

I can kick this bucket?”

SOME YOUTHS ARE BREAKING INTO CARS

 

Some youths are breaking into cars,

They are reprehensible little devils,

And they do it in multi-story car parks

Which is wrong on so many levels

FUSION MUSIC

 

There’s a new music fad or fashion

A genre of Swedish/Australian fusion

Playing Dancing Queen and Waterloo

On a Wobble Board and a Didgeridoo

I don’t know if it will catch on at all

But they call the music Abba-riginal

TWO WHALES WALKED INTO A BAR

 

Two whales walked into a bar

The first one said "Whiieeeeeaooooooo"

And the second whale retorted

“God you're so pissed Keanu"

ARE YOU WEARING A DOPEY LOOK?

 

Are you wearing a dopey look?

Come on tell me what’s to blame

No please don’t answer that

And I don’t want to know her name

BEST BEFORE 1980 # 6

 

Old people can safely ignore

Organic foods with no regret

Simply because they need

All the preservatives they can get

IT WAS PITIFUL TO SEE # 2

 

It was pitiful to see

He was in a total muddle

He would have been

Out of his depth in a puddle

ROWS OF RUSSIAN DOLLS

 

Rows of Russian Dolls

Were lined up on the shelves

I really hate Russian dolls

They’re so full of themselves

I HAVE A DIFFICULTY WITH HEDGEHOGS

 

I have a difficulty with Hedgehogs

I know it’s a strange thing to declare

It’s just a hedge, so I find it very hard

To understand why they can’t share?

INSIDE EVERY SINGLE RUSSIAN DOLL

 

Inside every single Russian Doll

There are even more Russian Dolls

If you listen you can hear them shout

As they scream in unison to be let out

SOCIAL DISTANCING AND SELF ISOLATION

 

Social distancing and self-isolation

Is not a difficult thing to implement

When you’re in Wormwood Scrubs

And placed in solitary confinement

WE HAVE FOUND A GREEN SOLUTION

 

Since the panic buying caper

We have started using

Plant leaves as toilet paper

They're not our plants,

But they are very useful

And we returned the pots

I must say that to be truthful

To the neighbour's patio

Once the pots were full

A MESSAGE TO SNOWFLAKES

 

Your grandparents

And great grandparents

Were asked to go to war

You are being asked

To sit on your sofas

So not exactly a chore

DING DONG EMAIL

 

If you get an email with Ding Dong

In the subject, delete it without hesitation

As it will be from the Jehovah’s Witnesses

Working from home for the duration

ARE YOU WEARING SPANX AGAIN?

 

Are you wearing spanx again?

But they cause you so much pain

When they’re on you look smart

But they restrict your ability to fart

BEST BEFORE 1980 # 5

 

I spend half an hour searching

for my glasses beside the bed

Only to discover find that they

were on the top of my head

I JUST HAD A SENIOR MOMENT

 

I just had a senior moment

When I mentioned to my friend Betty

That when I got the chance

I needed to phone my friend Betty

TAHOMA AND CALIBRI

 

Tahoma and Calibri walked into a bar

And were told, “you will have to leave I fear

But please don’t take it personally

It’s just that we don't serve your type in here”

BEST BEFORE 1980 # 7

 

I think I may be past my best

Because I popped out to get milk

And return home two hours later

With a tin of paint and no milk

ONE FOOT OF SNOW FELL

 

One foot of snow fell

In the town of Lexington

So, when he went outside

He only wore one Wellington

IT WAS PITIFUL TO SEE # 3

 

It was pitiful to see the calibre

Of the new fast-tracked inspector

I would say he was about as much use

As rubber lips on a woodpecker

IT IS PERFECTLY CLEAR TO MOST OF US

 

It is perfectly clear to most of us

That atoms are the most conniving

Deceitful and untrustworthy

Because they make up everything

I BECAME VERY FRUSTRATED TODAY

 

I became very frustrated today

When repeatedly told to press any key

Because on my computer keyboard

I can confirm there is no “any” key

BROWSING SENIOR

 

You know you are old when

You greet, with absolute delight

The statutory offer for you

To accept cookies on a new website

ARE YOU WEARING SATIN KNICKERS?

 

Are you wearing satin knickers?

What a peculiar thing to say

Of course they are sat in

No one can stand up all day

BEST BEFORE 1980 # 4

 

I use the phrase “the one from the tv”

To describe actors or celebrities

I also use it to describe what I’m looking

At the supermarket or the Deli

I WANT TO DIE PEACEFULLY IN MY SLEEP # 2

 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep

Like my Great Aunt Jane

And not screaming in terror

Like the passenger on her plane

IF YOU MEASURED MY LIFE

 

If you measured my life

In dog years instead

Then the inevitable truth

Is I’m already dead

GOURMET BEETROOT CRISPS

 

Gourmet Beetroot crisps

I found out just today

Can easily be included

As one of your five a day

THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION HAS ANNOUNCED

 

The World Health Organization has announced

Dogs can’t get Covid-19, and as there’s no doubt

All the quarantined dogs can now be released

So, let’s be perfectly clear, WHO let the dogs out

SELF ISOLATION HAS BECOME A NECESSITY

 

Self Isolation has become a necessity

As there’s a pandemic on the loose

Some people find isolation frightening

But not me because I’m a recluse

I HAVE JUST HEARD THE LATEST NEWS

I have just heard the latest news

About the Pandemic, on the BBC

And I was shocked, an epidemic

Of wandering Pandas terrify me 

MY WIFE AND I HAD AN ACTIVE SEX LIFE

 

My wife and I had an active sex life

And we used to like to experiment

But those days are now long gone

As SM now means Senior Moment

FORTUNATELY YOU HAVE TWO HANDS

 

Fortunately, you have two hands

And hopefully you’ll discover,

One is for helping yourself,

And one is for helping others

ARE YOU WEARING CUSTODIAL WEAR?

 

Are you wearing custodial wear?

And that must be three days

You must stop thinking about prisons

Your mind works in Strangeways

GETTING ON # 16

 

When you are getting on in years

Make sure you are kind to your family

Because they’ll be choosing

Your nursing home eventually

BEST BEFORE 1980 # 3

 

I was asked by a practising Buddhist

If I could remember any past lives

I replied I couldn’t confirm yesterday

Without consulting the archives

FOR MY JOB I DO SHIFT WORK

 

For my job I do shift work

At a publishing place

I have to help a one armed

Typist do upper case

DO LAZY PEOPLE EXERCISE

 

Do lazy people exercise?

I happen to think probably not

But if they did something

It would be a Diddly-squat

I SAID I WANTED TO BE A COMEDIAN

 

I said I wanted to be a comedian

And my wife laughed, the rotten cow

Well I have become a comedian

And I can say that no one’s laughing now

TODAY I ADDED INSULT ONTO INJURY

 

Today I added insult onto injury

To a recovering paragliding enthusiast

As they lay motionless in Casualty

When I wrote something rude on his cast

BUYING A COMB FOR A BALD MAN

 

Buying a comb for a bald man

Is clearly the act of a misfit

It’s the unkindest gift of all

Which he’ll never part with it

I HAD A VERY DISTURBING DREAM LAST NIGHT

 

I had a very disturbing dream last night

Which I awoke from in some distress

I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper

You might say I had been dicing with death

THE INLAND REVENUE KEEP WRITING TO ME

 

The Inland Revenue keep writing to me

Demanding that I pay or go to prison

But I don’t owe them a penny because

I now live by the seaside at Weston

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY SUIT?

Are you wearing your birthday suit?

This will probably be, old lad

Your best birthday ever

With all the practice you've had

FATHERS DAY PRAYER

 

All his life, she’d been

Likened to his Dad

A chip off the old block

Birds of a feather

Two sides of the same coin

And just the other day

He was asked

How are you different to your Dad?

He replied that he hoped

In as fewer ways as possible

THE PERFECT FATHER’S DAY GIFT

 

On Father's Day, I want to give my Dad

The very best present that I can get

One that he wants more than anything

But I can't afford to move out yet

GETTING ON # 15

 

They have just barred me

From the local Oddbins

For causing checkout queues

Trying to remember my pin

5G

 

There are no limits to technology

And advances are anticipated with 5G

Enhancing forms of communication

Imparting important information

Using varied multimedia interfacing

Video clips and picture messaging

But there is a downside or failure

Primarily photos of user’s genitalia

SOME PEOPLE AREN’T SHAKING HANDS

 

Some people aren’t shaking hands

Because of the Coronavirus caper

But I’m no longer shaking hands

Due to the shortage of toilet paper

DON’T FOLLOW THE HERD

 

Don’t follow the herd,

Just think for yourself

Try to remain independent.

And be very careful

When following the masses

As sometimes the M is silent

WE MAKE A VERY VARIED RANGE

 

We make a very varied range

Of average items in our factory

But because they are average

It’s more like the satisfactory

THERE IS TO BE A REVOLUTION

 

There is to be a revolution

In signage, so look out,

Take Exit signs for example,

They are on the way out

I WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN PUNS

 

I was trying to explain puns

With a great degree of difficulty

To a group of kleptomaniacs

But they just take things literally

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOTHES?

Are you wearing your birthday clothes?

Well if I might be so bold

Don’t just sit there

Do something old

GETTING ON # 14

 

I stop to catch my breath

On the stairs and then I frown

As I can’t remember whether

I was going up or down

BEST BEFORE 1980 # 2

 

I decided to Vacuum the house

But for some reason it wasn’t working

I was stumped, it was very frustrating 

Then I noticed that it wasn’t plugged in

SENIOR HAIKU

 

You eat wisely

And you exercise daily

Then die anyway

THE LATE GREAT GEORGE BURNS

 

“I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day”

George Burns said when he was still a thing

Approaching his hundredth birthday

“At my age I have to hold on to something”

 

January 20th,1896 - March 9th, 1996

I REMEMBER MY WISH WAS TO CHANGE

 

I remember my wish was to change

The World when I was a young man

Now that I’m old my wish has changed

And I want to change the young if I can

YOU MUSTN’T LET AGEING GET YOU DOWN

 

You mustn’t let ageing get you down

Its something you just have to face

And let’s not forget how hard it was

Getting yourself up in the first place

OLD AGE SUCKS # 1

 

I sat down on a park bench

So, I could pull up my socks

Sadly, I wasn’t wearing any

God getting old really sucks

LONG AFTER NEEDING BIFOCALS AND HEARING AIDS

 

Long after needing bifocals and hearing aids

We still make love in the silent gloom

The only difference being that during the act

It would be difficult to tell with whom

EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO RISE

 

Early to bed, early to rise

Makes a man healthy wealthy and wise

Early to rise, late to bed

Makes a man haggard fatigued and dead

ARE YOU WEARING OLD MAN CLOTHES?

 

Are you wearing old man clothes?

Why for pity sake old pal

Growing old is mandatory.

But growing up is optional

GETTING ON # 13

 

You know that you have

Become an older chap

When your “happy hour”

Is spent taking a nap

WE DON’T HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD

 

We don’t have all the time in the world

Make each day count, is my view

So, focus all of your efforts on today

And do the things you really want to do

DR WHO IS RENOWNED

 

Dr Who is renowned

For being totally awesome

But she had to call a Dalek

About a termite problem

FLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY

 

Float like a Butterfly

Sting like a Bee

Float like Buffalo,

Get punched in the face

A DEAL OF STRICTURE

 

I made an error, for which

There was a deal of stricture

On reflection I should not

Have asked Thor to hang a picture

THE HABITUALLY DISAPPOINTED SUPPORT GROUP

 

The habitually disappointed support group

Had good reason to bellyache

As their meeting had been cancelled

And as a result, there would be no cake

OLD AGE IS LIKE BEING IN A PLANE

 

Old age is like being in a plane

Flying through a typhoon

Because once you’re on board

There is nothing you can do

BEST BEFORE 1980 # 1

 

I have a Universal Remote control

Which I have had for quite a while

But I tried for ages to turn on the Radio

It turned out I was using my mobile

MIDDLE AGE IS THE TIME

 

Middle age is the time

When it takes you all night

To do once, what once,

You used to do all night

ARE YOU WEARING ADULT CLOTHES?

Are you wearing adult clothes?

Growing up is such a crime

I know you are only young once,

But you can be immature for a lifetime

GETTING ON # 12

 

I’m officially old, as I don’t need

To become a narcotics enthusiast

Because I can get the same effect

Simply by standing up too fast

THE MEAT MARKETS ARE BUSY # 1

 

The meat markets are busy

Take a look for the proof

Horse meat prices are down

In fact they’re through the hoof

I GOT A BARGAIN ON A LOAD OF STEAK # 1

 

I got a bargain on a load of steak

My competitors pay much higher

They ask where I get my horse steak

But I don’t tell them my mane supplier