Uncanny Tales – (093) Rewriting History One Fact at A Time # 3

 

If there is one thing that irritates me more than any other, it has to be historical inaccuracies in film and TV scripts.

Now I’m not talking about things like Braveheart or The Battle of the Bulge or countless other attempts by the Americans to rewrite history.

No, the things that irritate me are the little things, the small easy to verify things, the things that they just can’t be bothered to do right.

 

For example, take the 2006 movie “the Holiday” with Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Jack Black, and Eli Wallach, which. I particularly liked.

It has all the ingredients required for a great Christmas film, engaging characters, humour, pathos, romance, cute kids, and a happy ending, or in this case a multiple happy ending.

That aside the Grinch in me won’t forgive the unpardonable sin of a glaring error and a failure to research correctly.

Eli Wallach’s character, Arthur, asks Iris played by Kate Winslet

“What part of England are you from?”

To which she replies “Surrey”

“Cary Grant was from Surrey” Arthur says.

“That’s right he was” Iris confirms.

No, he bloody wasn’t from Surrey he was from Bristol.

How did they not get that right, why did they not check a simple fact like that?

If they wanted to keep the Cary Grant reference, Iris could have answered Arthur’s question.

“What part of England are you from?”

By saying, “Bristol”

Or if they wanted her to be from Surrey, why didn’t they pick another internationally known actor from Surrey such as Bill Nighy, Colin Firth, Edward Woodward, Julia Ormond, Julie Andrews, Laurence Olivier, Peggy Ashcroft, Peter Cushing, or Ronald Colman.

How simple would that have been “Laurence Olivier was from Surrey” Arthur could have said, but no they had to ruin an otherwise perfectly good film.

Uncanny Tales – (092) Rewriting History One Fact at A Time # 2

 

If there is one thing that irritates me more than any other, it has to be historical inaccuracies in film and TV scripts.

Now I’m not talking about things like Braveheart or The Battle of the Bulge or countless other attempts by the Americans to rewrite history.

No, the things that irritate me are the little things, the small easy to verify things, the things that they just can’t be bothered to do right.

 

For example, in the American hit TV series NCIS there is a character, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo played by Michael Weatherly, who, apart from being a special agent also considers himself to be a bit of film buff.

DiNozzo is constantly either quoting from movies or is making endless film references to accompany any given situation he is in or indeed crime scene he is at.

In one episode he is drawing a parallel between his own situation and that of the characters in the 1938 classic “Angels with Dirty Faces” with James Cagney, Pat O'Brien and Humphrey Bogart.

And the afore mentioned parallel would have been quite apt, had he not made a serious faux pas, well I think it was serious.

He referenced to the fact that Rocky Sullivan and Jerry Connolly grew up as tough kids in Hell's Kitchen, the toughest part of New York, and their destinies were set when Rocky got sent to reform school and Jerry escaped the law and went on to becomes a priest.

So far so good, but where DiNozzo went wrong was to say that the Father Connolly character was played by Bogey (Humphrey Bogart), who was in the film, when he was in fact played by Pat O'Brien.

Quite unforgivable when DiNozzo is supposed to be an aficionado of film.

Uncanny Tales – (091) Rewriting History One Fact at A Time # 1

 

If there is one thing that irritates me more than any other, it has to be historical inaccuracies in film and TV scripts.

Now I’m not talking about things like Braveheart or The Battle of the Bulge or countless other attempts by the Americans to rewrite history.

No, the things that irritate me are the little things, the small easy to verify things, the things that they just can’t be bothered to do right.

 

For example, there was an American sci-fi series in the 90’s called “Babylon 5” which I much enjoyed, and if truth be told I liked it more than the Star Trek equivalent of “Deep Space 9”.

However, in one episode, “Comes the Inquisitor”, there was a character called Sebastian, who it transpired as the story unfolded was in reality Jack the Ripper.

When his true identity came to light during the story it was announced that in the late 1800’s Jack the Ripper plagued London’s West End.

No! No! No! Jack the Ripper did not stalk the theatre district he was too busy amusing himself killing prostitutes in the East End.

It was a simple mistake that just shouldn’t have happened, but it did and there really is no excuse for it this day and age when research is such a simple matter.

I find it difficult to comprehend that such a basic error made it to the airing.

Surely one of the writing team or production staff or even one of the cast, would have asked “Are you sure it was the West End?” but apparently not.

 

Last Christmas my wife bought me the boxed set and when we were watching the relevant episode, we both braced ourselves for the fateful moment and then laughed when we discovered it had been rather amateurishly dubbed.     

TO PARAPHRASE THE GREAT FRANK CAPRA

 

To paraphrase the great Frank Capra

“I thought drama was when actors cried

But I was clearly mistaken in that belief

As drama is when the audience cries”

DIMINUTIVE HEROINE OF KING KONG

 

Diminutive Heroine of King Kong

The Queen of Scream, Fay Wray

Was beauty to King Kong’s beast

And was Queen of the B’s in her day

A CHICKEN AT THE MOVIES

 

A chicken at the movies

Made the whole theatre look

So, the manager asked

“Why are you here chook?”

The chicken replied,

“Well, because I liked the book”

THEY ARE PLANNING A REMAKE

 

They are planning a remake

Of the classic “the railway children”

But it’s a low budget version

Called the bus replacement children

WE WENT TO THE LOCAL MULTIPLEX

 

We went to the local Multiplex

To watch a film called “Anticlimax”

I would have left early if I could

Although the first part was good

STAR STRUCK

 

A contagion struck down

Quentin Tarantino

Now he’s in the hospital

In a tent in quarantino

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – SURVIVING CHRISTMAS WITH THE RELATIVES (2018)

 

Miranda (Gemma Whelan) and Dan (Julian Ovenden) and their children live in the run down, rambling country house inherited from her recently deceased parents which they run as a small holding.

Despite its dilapidated, work in progress, state with a team of polish builders’ resident on site, they have invited a house full for Christmas.

Mirandas fading Hollywood actress sister Lyla (Joely Richardson), her alcoholic/drug addict husband Trent (Michael Landes) and their children, Dans oversexed half-sister Vicky (Ronni Ancona), his ex-wife Miriam (Sally Phillips) and addict son Harry (Jonas Moore),

Aunt Peggy (Patricia Hodge) and Uncle John (James Fox), to name but a few.

So, a chaotic Christmas ensues with old sibling rivalry, family squabbles, drunkenness, drug abuse, and infidelities all of which threaten to sabotage the season of goodwill.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE SANTA SUIT (2010)

 

Drake Hunter (Kevin Sorbo) is CEO of Hunter Toys, turned the company he inherited from his father, from a cosy quality manufacturer into a ruthless, uncaring, profit hungry business.

He employed all the production line staff on 39 hour weeks therefore avoiding the need to provide full benefits and he was no better during the holidays he showed his staff no festive generosity, no bonuses or time off.

However he gets the scrooge treatment when he meets who he presumes is one of the store Santa’s, Kris Krandall (Derry Robinson), who magically transforms Drake into a likeness of himself and as no one recognizes him as CEO he is forced to live in a shelter run by Nancy Baxter (Jodie Dowdall) and work as a Santa for Norm Dobson (Jason Blicker) in his toy store, with weird would be-actor Sebastian (Darrell Faria) as his Elf.

While working at the store he meets a quiet young girl called Gemma (Brianna Daguanno) and between his interaction with her and the kind and gentle influence of Nancy at the shelter he reassesses his values and priorities in life.

I LIKED THE OLD BOND MOVIES

 

With reliable heroes

And camp villains

But I watched on recently

And I found it quite exhausting

Foot chases, car chases,

Running here, driving there

It left me quite out of breath

It didn’t leave room for a story

The old Bond films had a story

Punctuated with action

Now they had action

Punctuated by more action

Bond was one of a kind

But now I’m not sure

If I’m watching James Bond

Or Jason Bourne

THE NEW A-TEAM

 

I always loved the A-Team

A force for good

Coming to the rescue

All guns blazing

But no one ever got shot

Hannibal Smith was the brains

B.A.Baracus the brawn

Face was the fixer,

And howling mad Murdock

Well need I say more

 

Well, they’re coming back

In a newish sort of version

Well, a Jewish sort of version

Called the Oy Vey team

With Chaim Schmitt

BA Barabbas

Fizzog and Kinda Miffed Mazel Tov

MY FAVOURITE THINGS, NOT

 

Black spot-on roses and fingerless mittens

Green stinging nettles and flea ridden kittens

All creepy crawlies and insects with wings

These are a few of my un-favourite things

 

When my back aches

When my head spins

When I’m fighting mad

I just remember my un-favourite things,
And then I feel twice as bad.

 

Girls in tight trousers too small for their arses

People pretending that they don’t wear glasses

Long bitter winters and damp dismal springs

These are a few of my un-favourite things

 

When my back aches

When my head spins

When I’m fighting mad

I just remember my un-favourite things,
And then I feel twice as bad.

 

People who talk while I’m watching the telly

Women who show off too much of their bellies

Anyone who whistles and tunelessly sings

These are a few of my un-favorite things

 

When my back aches

When my head spins

When I’m fighting mad

I just remember my un-favourite things,
And then I feel twice as bad.

MATINEE

 

I don’t like modern films

Over hyped, over killed

They so often disappoint

The audiences once thrilled

 

I find now as I get older

The most joy that I can muster

Is from watching an old favourite

Than a modern blockbuster

AND THE BEST PICTURE IS

 

It’s that time of the year once more

When the motion picture industry

Pat them selves on their collective backs

And mark another year in their history

 

But when the time comes

How do we choose what to see?

Film reviews are little help

And critics add no clarity

 

Industry spokesmen and women

Film critics and film reviewers

Those who form the Oscar collective

Are of little use to film viewers

 

“Best picture Oscar” must be good

Well I fell in that trap

I watched “Gangs of New York”

And it turned out to be crap

 

Also I have found I am out of step

With the film critics view

So you have to decipher the code

That’s all you have to do

 

Just follow this simple guide

“Critically Acclaimed” = Crap

“Stunning cinematography” = No story

“Award winning soundtrack” = Artie crap

 

“Thought provoking” = No car chases

“Dark” = Badly lit

“Moving” = Alright for girls

“Moody” = Poor dialog and badly lit

 

“Oscar nominated” = Wasn’t good enough

“Poignant = Has no plot

“Oscar winning” = Over hyped

“Gritty” = They say fuck a lot

 

These simple tips may help

Save you wasting precious time

Watching an ill described film

Best designated as a crime

FILM CHOICE

 

How to choose, how to select

A film to fill that two hour slot

The bumph will big it up

Over egg the pudding like as not

So, I look for key word like

“Thought provoking” or “moody”

“Poignant, “Critically acclaimed”

Or “Stunning cinematography”

And when I’ve identified them

I know they are the ones to miss

And I get the one with the cover picture

Of a girl in a state of undress

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – GROUNDHOG DAY (1993)

 

“Groundhog Day” is a comedy, screenplay by Danny Rubin and Harold Ramis, and Directed by Harold Ramis.

TV weatherman Phil (Bill Murray) reluctantly has to do an outside broadcast in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, on Groundhog Day, to cover the story about, what he calls, a weather forecasting “rat”, Punxsutawney Phil, who is in fact a Groundhog.

Furthermore, it’s his fourth year on the story, and he makes no effort to hide his displeasure.

But he travels to Pennsylvania anyway with Producer Rita (Andie MacDowell) and Cameraman Larry (Chris Elliott) and dutifully fulfils his obligation while barely concealing his contempt for the whole event.

And that night when he went to bed, he consoled himself that it was only one day, but on awaking the following morning he discovers that it's Groundhog Day again, and again, and again.

At first, he uses this anomaly to his advantage, to seduce women, be outrageous, be obnoxious, all without consequence, but eventually he comes to the realisation that he is doomed to spend the rest of eternity in the same place, seeing the same people, do the same thing every day, unless he can change, if not the day, then himself.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A CHRISTMAS LOVE STORY (2012)

 

Family friends Sam Reed (Dustin Milligan) and Kat Patton (Danica McKellar) spend every Christmas Eve at the Children's Table from the age of three.

Over the years they grew up together, sharing the highs and lows of young adulthood.

But at the age of thirty, Sam realizes that Kat is the one...but he's afraid that the past will get in the way.

A real gem of a Christmas movie and Danica McKellar is an absolute delight.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A CHRISTMAS CAROL (2009)

 

Jim Carrey stars as miser Ebenezer Scrooge in this animate retelling of Charles Dickens' “A Christmas Carol”.

The classic tale in which he is taught the true meaning of Christmas by three Spirits who visit him, revealing to him the truth about his own miserable existence, what opportunities he wasted in his youth, his current catalogue of cruelties, and the dire fate that awaits him if he does not change his ways.

Scrooge is faced with his own story of growing bitterness and meanness, and must decide what his own future will hold, death or redemption.

The film also features the vocal talents of Steve Valentine, Daryl Sabara, Sage Ryan, Amber Gainey, Ryan Ochoa, Bobbi Page, Ron Bottitta, Sammi Hanratty, Julian Holloway, Gary Oldman, Colin firth, Cary Elwes, Robin Wright, Molly C Quinn, Fay Masterson, Leslie Zemeckis, Paul Blackthorne, Michael Hyland, Kerry Hoyt, Julene Renee, Fionnula Flanagan, Raymond Ochoa, Callum Blue, Matthew Henderson, Aaron Ranke, Sonie Fortag, Aliane Baquerot, Seth Belliston, Troy Edward Bowles, Sam J Cahn, Kelly Connolly,

John R Corella, Kelly Crandall, Sheri Griffith, Beckie King, Keith Kuhl, Allison Leo, Tarah Paige, John Todd, Patrick Wetzel. Eva La Dare, Jacquelyn Dowsett and Suzanne C Robertson.