TIM VINE STARTS BY SHOUTING

 

Tim Vine starts by shouting

The chimney puns out

He’s got a stack of them

The first one is on the house

I’M SOMETHING OF A JOKER # 9

 

I’m something of a joker

But being a comic is tough

I have a microbiology joke,

But it’s not cultured enough

I’M SOMETHING OF A JOKER # 8

 

I’m something of a joker

In fact I’m really comical

I have an experimental joke

But laughs aren’t reproducible

I’M SOMETHING OF A JOKER # 7

 

I’m something of a joker

In fact I’m a crazy comic

I have an experimental joke

Sadly it’s a bit formulaic

I’M SOMETHING OF A JOKER # 6

 

I’m something of a joker

In fact I’m a comedy clown

I have a primatology joke

As I like to monkey around

I’M SOMETHING OF A JOKER # 5

 

I’m something of a joker

People think I’m a funny man

I’ve a Palaeoanthropology joke

But to be fare it’s an Oldowan

I’M SOMETHING OF A JOKER # 4

 

I’m something of a joker

I wouldn’t stop at any price

I even have a Geology joke

But to be fare it’s not gneiss

I’M SOMETHING OF A JOKER # 3

 

I’m something of a joker

And follow the comedy craft

I even have a Mule joke

But to be fare it’s half assed

I’M SOMETHING OF A JOKER # 2

 

I’m something of a joker

People think I’m a weirdo

I even have a Tortoise joke

But to be fare it’s a bit slow

 

I’M SOMETHING OF A JOKER # 1

 

I’m something of a joker

In fact, I’m comedy crazy

I even have a Sloth joke

But to be fare it’s a bit lazy

MY FAVOURITE COMEDIAN IS A DUCK

 

My favourite comedian is a duck

I like to see him do stand up

Though he’s not to everyone’s taste

The guy really quacks me up

I SAID I WANTED TO BE A COMEDIAN

 

I said I wanted to be a comedian

And my wife laughed, the rotten cow

Well I have become a comedian

And I can say that no one’s laughing now

THE LATE GREAT GEORGE BURNS

 

“I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day”

George Burns said when he was still a thing

Approaching his hundredth birthday

“At my age I have to hold on to something”

 

January 20th,1896 - March 9th, 1996

PLEASE DON’T GET ME WRONG

 

Please don’t get me wrong

It’s not that I’m a prude

And under the right circumstances

I quite like being rude

But at the end of the day

I just find Keith Lemon crude

WRITING JOKES FOR COMICS

 

I sit alone in a room

Writing jokes for comics

To earn my money

But on my own I wonder

If I’m the only person on the planet

Who thinks it's funny

So riddled with self-doubt

I’m terrified of finding out

WHEN I WAS IN A WRITING TEAM

 

When I was in a writing team

We was write a gag and get a laugh

Now it’s just me and a word processor

And it's hard to make the bastard laugh

DO AS PHYLLIS SAID

Do as Phyllis said

And don’t take flight

When you have a row

Last thing at night.

Don't go to bed mad,

Stay up and fight

 

In Memory of The Late Great Phyllis Diller (1917-2012)

I SAID I WANTED TO BE A COMEDIAN

 

I said I wanted to be a comedian

And my wife laughed, the rotten cow

Well, I have become a comedian

And I can say that no one’s laughing now

THE LATE GREAT GEORGE BURNS

 

“I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day”

George Burns said when he was still a thing

Approaching his hundredth birthday

“At my age I have to hold on to something”

 

January 20^th,1896 - March 9^th, 1996

LILY TOMLIN

 

Lily Tomlin always

Wanted to be somebody

She could have been

More specific probably

A paraphrasing of one of the great Lily Tomlin’s gags