DAPHNE DUCK WENT TO THE MALL

 

Daphne Duck went to the Mall

With a long gift list to fulfil

And when she finished shopping

She put everything on her Bill

I WAS IN THE APPLE STORE

 

I was in the Apple Store being served when I loudly farted

And the sales guy got mad and we almost came to blows

More Apple staff and even other customers joined in

But it wasn’t my fault that they didn't have Windows

MY WIFE SENT ME TO BUY OXO CUBES

 

My wife sent me to buy Oxo cubes

Down at the local corner shop

But I returned home empty handed

Because they were out of stock

APPARENTLY ONE IN THREE KIDS # 2

 

Apparently one in three kids

Are conceived in an IKEA bed

But thankfully two out of three

Wait until they get home instead

WHEN I CHECKED LABELS AT THE SUPERMARKET

 

When I checked labels at the supermarket

I had to point out the irony to my wife Helen

As to why lemon juice had artificial flavouring

And washing up liquid is made with real lemons

SUPERMARKET BLUES # 2

 

You know it really gets me down

As you wait patiently in the queue

Waiting in line at the supermarket

And the line of People behind you

When as another checkout opens up

They suddenly dash ahead of you

To the newly opened checkout

And you’re at the back of your queue

And all those impatient shoppers

Get served and finished before you

LIDL

 

Lidl in Stevenage has closed its doors

And has been raised to the floor

To build a new Lidl superstore

Which won’t be so Lidl anymore

SUPERMARKET BLUES # 1

 

You know it really gets me down

As you wait patiently in the queue

And some numpty shopper behind

Runs his trolley into the back of you

ARE YOU WEARING STEAK?

 

Are you wearing steak?

A pork chop? Ok my mistake

Oh, your eye is very swollen

What happened to you then?

You went to the shop for steak

But bought chops, ok your mistake

I WENT TO A POSH JEWELLER

I went to a posh jeweller to buy a new watch,

And I told the geezer I wanted it really top notch

So, he said “Analogue” I replied “No, just a watch"

THE INTERNET IS A CURSE AND NOT A BLESSING

 

The internet is a curse and not a blessing

When you develop a habit, you can’t stop

And max out all of your credit cards

Without setting foot in a single shop

I’VE ENROLLED MY DAUGHTER # 2

 

I’ve enrolled my Daughter

On the perfect class for her

Learning basic skills to hone

Like shopping on her own

I WENT TO PC WORLD

 

I went to PC World

I saw computers

With or without a screen

Keyboards and mice

But there wasn’t

A policeman to be seen

SHOP PC

 

I went shopping in

PC World yesterday

You really have to

Watch what you say

SHOP ASSISTANCE

 

I was shopping

With my wife

And we found ourselves

In the alcohol isle

But couldn’t decide

What we should get

So, we asked the man

Filling the shelf

What he would recommend

He gave us both

A cursory glance

Before he responded

“I think Crabbies for Madam

And for sir,

The Old Peculiar”

Cheeky git

We bought a case

Of Wine as well

THERE’S AN ARMY SURPLUS STORE ACROSS THE STREET

 

There’s an Army surplus store across the street

That only sells camouflage gear as far as I can see

I don’t know how well the business is doing

But it seems a bit of a niche market to me

And I watched loads of people go in the shop

But coming out I could only count about three

SHOPPING ASSISTANCE

 

I went into an electrical shop

And could find no one to assist

I got angrier and angrier

Until finally I couldn’t resist

“Can someone sell me a toaster”

I shouted in a frustrated tiz 

A female assistant said “Kenwood?”

I took a deep breath and responded

“Let me explain something Ms

I just want someone to sell me a toaster

I don’t care what his name is”

LOCAL AMENITIES

 

I’ve just been to the shops

They didn’t impress me at all

But if you’ve seen one shopping centre

You’ve seen a mall

SHOPPING MODE # 1

 

Bimbette was a model

And was not very bright

And she went shopping

After work one night

She bought herself a scarf

Which was garish and bright

But she had to take it back

Because it was too tight

HAND HOLDING

 

I always hold my wife’s hand when we’re out

People thinks it’s so romantic, but its not

I hold her hand all the time because I know

That if I let it go she’ll start to shop