WILLIAM PENN'S AUNTIES

 

William Penn's Aunties, Bakers shop

Specialized in pastries from France

And were fussy about pricing their pies

They were the pie-rates of Penn's Aunts

I WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN PUNS

 

I was trying to explain puns

With a great degree of difficulty

To a group of kleptomaniacs

But they just take things literally

A MAN ENTERED A BEST PUN CONTEST

 A man entered a best pun contest

And he chose ten puns to submit,

Hoping at least one pun would win

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

THERE IS GREAT HUMOUR TO BE FOUND # 2

 

There is great humour to be found

Among the Brits in their abundance

But for me the funniest of them all

Have got to be those from Punzance

THERE IS GREAT HUMOUR TO BE FOUND # 1

 

There is great humour to be found

Among the numerous Americans

But for me the funniest of them all

Have got to be the Punsylvanians

IF YOU ARE A LOVER OF PUNS

 

If you are a lover of puns

Then on shrove Tuesday

There is only one conclusion

And that that its pun-cake day

BARBARA WINDSOR WENT INTO A PUB

 

Barbara Windsor went into a pub

After the days filming was done

And ordered a double entendre

So, the barman gave her one

A MAN ENTERED A BEST PUN CONTEST

 

A man entered a best pun contest

And he chose ten puns to submit,

Hoping at least one pun would win

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

I WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN PUNS

 

I was trying to explain puns

With a great degree of difficulty

To a group of kleptomaniacs

But they just take things literally

ANOTHER MIXED COLLECTION OF HUMOUR

TAKEN ITS TOLL

I don’t have a bell to ring
Someone’s taken my dingaling

I don’t know what’s wrong
Someone has taken my dong

I don’t know why the bloody hell
I can’t seem to ring my bell

I know the batteries haven’t run out
It’s not old and clapped out

So I’m at a loss to explain
Why I’m out here in the pouring rain

Now wait a moment that’s not right
It should be visible an LED light

Now that really is quite odd
It’s gone, some thieving little sod

Has stolen the bell push off the door
Light and all, to be seen no more

So I don’t have a bell to ring
As someone’s stolen my dingaling

A CALCULATED DECISION

Miss Armitage entered Calculus class
To stand amidst a disorderly eruption
And she immediately confiscated a catapult
Deemed to be a weapon of math disruption

TENSE TRAVELLER

I just returned yesterday
From the town of Oldham
But as that is in the past now
I suppose it should be Feltham

KATIE SINGS LIBERALLY

I have to say my heart was gladdened
When I heard Katie Melua sing
China has obviously come a long way
If there are 9 million bisexuals in Beijing

ENGLISH DEFENDERS LEAGUE

Goals scored in the premiership
Reached record numbers on Saturday
But that’s what happens when you hold
An EDL rally on the same day

EXTREME SPORTS TIP # 1

You don’t need a parachute
To go skydiving
Unless you want to make it
A regular thing

CLEANING HOUSE

My wife and I went up to the loft the other day
And I cleaned it with her while we were there
But oh dear now there is all hell to pay
As I cant get the cobwebs out of her hair

MEDICAL PRACTICE

I refuse to go to the local doctors,
A medical practice part of the NHS
And I know beggars can’t be choosers
But they can practice on somebody else

TAKEN AT THE FLOOD

As I stand by the placid waters
Watching as the evening sky glows
I ask myself the question
Why didn't Noah kill the two mosquitoes?

OH YES HE IS

On stage at the Victoria
The lad playing Aladdin
Was attacked from behind
But the audience tried to warn him

THE CORRECT SOLUTION

I was caught stealing Tippex
You know, the liquid correction solution
Well my employer pressed charges
And I was sent to a correctional institution

THE PERILS OF FAST FOOD

Why did the hapless Wile E. Coyote
In pursuit of his nemesis, Roadrunner
Spend a fortune on ACME products
Every all singing, all dancing, must have winner
If he had all that money to burn
He could just have paid for his dinner

SELF ANALYSIS

Are you clinically obese?
Is your alcohol intake quite scary?
Do you like to dress up as a woman?
Then eat, drink and be Mary

HELP LINE # 3

I phoned the incontinence help line today
To say “I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
In the hope of having my condition assuaged
But try as I might it was always engaged

THE LOUD MINORITY

People today are so self obsessed
So wrapped up in themselves
Banging on about THEIR rights
THEIR civil liberties THEIR freedoms
They have forgotten about the people
Who fought and died to win them

DOCTOR MANNERS

Elsie went to see her doctor
Because of persistent back pain
The doctor was less than sympathetic
Having to examine her again
“I’m sorry Elsie but as I told you before
Its old age, you’re just getting on a bit”
Elsie demanded a second opinion
He said “ok, you also have saggy tits”

THE LATEST FAD

I’ve been on every diet known to man
Atkins, Lemonade, Cabbage and f-plan
And I’ve never lost a thing worthy of mention
But I try every new one, full of good intention
Now I'm on the Whisky diet, which I’m taking steady
And do you know I've lost three days already.

GO WAYNE

“Wayne, go to the paper shop”
“Wayne? Go to the paper shop”
“Cant do it babe, it can’t be done”
“Wayne, just get off your bum”
“Cant be done babe, I can’t do it”
“Wayne just do it you lazy git”
“I’m not being lazy babe honestly”
“It just can’t be done babe really”
“Coz I went to the paper shop yesterday
And it had blown away”

SWEET GIRL

Ahla was very cute and sweet
And she worked at the sweetshop
An appropriate occupation
For such a confection
I asked her out one day
And too my surprise she said yes
But on our first date I found
She was not so cute and sweet
But was rather deliciously sinful
And she gave me a proper treat
But I wasn’t the first to dip his liquorice
In that particular fountain
Every lad with a sweet tooth
Had sampled her pick and mix
Even the oldies with a taste for soft centres
Had tried her Turkish delight
But I didn’t mind sharing
After all a bag of candy goes a long way
But I had to draw the line
When I heard about Bertie Bassett
With whom she did Allsorts

DIVORCE IS..... # 1

Divorce is…
Cathartic, purification
Therapeutically purgative
Like colonic irrigation

CORNERING THE MARKET

The corner shop has reopened
It’s been closed for a bit
It’s got new owners
And they’ve had a refit
I’m not sure if it will succeed
It’s a bit of a niche market
But there’s a new corner shop
So I thought I would try it
I told them “It’s a bit specialized”
I felt it only fare to warn her
And it’s called “the corner shop”
I just bought the four corners

PUNNING

FRANKLY MY DEAR

What would a fish say?
If it swam into a concrete wall?
Well it would probably say “dam”
If it said anything at all

BAGGAGE REGULATIONS

A vulture boarded
A jumbo jet
Carrying two dead
Marmoset

The stewardess said
"I'm sorry sir,
Only one carrion Per passenger"

DAVY JONES DISCO

If you go to a seafood disco
For a tango and a tussle
Don’t complain about bad luck
If you only pull a muscle

RAMBLING

I met a guy from the ramblers today
I think his name was John
He was a harmless bloke I suppose
But he just went on and on
TODAY I SAW TWO BANKERS

Today I saw two bankers
Two pin stripe suited wankers
I watched from where I was sitting
As they walked into a building
However what’s puzzling me a bit
Is why didn’t one of the see it

DOPEY BROTHER

My brother has a really bad habit
He smokes pot to excess you see
When he needs more from his dealer
He picks up the phone and hits the hash key

LUVVAGE

My pencil case is in love
But not with a pencil
But with two schoolbags
It must be bi-satchel.

LITERARY DOCTORATE

“Oh doctor, doctor
You must help me
I have been afflicted
Most horribly
I keep quoting
William Topaz McGonagall”
The doc replied
“We can’t help you at all”
“Oh doctor why
Cant you treat me for it”?
He replied
“Because this is the Burns unit”