IT HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED TODAY

 

It has been announced today

That a dog food manufacturer,

Following poor sales, has had

To call in the official retriever

I DON’T LIKE TO SPEAK ILL

 

I don’t like to speak ill

However, without being rude

I have to say you can't trust

A dog to watch your food

YOUNG JIMBO

 

I got a rescue dog from Battersea

And I called the puppy, Jimbo

But he needed obedience classes

Where they walked us to and fro

 

When he needed to be at heel

Jimbo almost always ran away

Then he came bounding back

When he was meant to sit and stay

 

And when he walked on the lead

I had to pull young Jimbo back

Or he was round and round my feet

Until I ended up lying on my back

 

So we stopped going to the classes

And I have a stick for him to chase

I can forgive my Jimbo anything

When he jumps up to lick my face

IF I SAID MY DOG RAN TEN MILES

 

If I said my dog ran ten miles,

And not so his legs were stretched,

But to retrieve his favourite stick,  

Would you think it too far fetched

IF YOUR DOG IS STRUCK WITH A FEVER

 

If your Dog is struck with a fever

Consult you medical catalogue

And you’ll find mustard is the cure

As it’s the best thing for a hot dog

MY DOG ATE ALL THE SCRABBLE TILES

 

My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles

When they were spilt on the mat

And for days he kept leaving

Little messages around the flat

MY DOG SWALLOWED

 

My Dog swallowed some of my

Scrabble tiles annoyingly

I’m afraid when nature takes

Its course it could spell tragedy

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CATS AND DOGS

The difference between

Cats and dogs is easily seen

Because Dogs have owners

Whereas Cats have helpers

THE CANINE ESTABLISHMENT

 

An important element of

The Canine establishment

Is the Dog Constabulary

Known as Paw enforcement

WE WILL GO TO SWITZRLAND

 

We will go to Switzerland

With our Dog from Alsace

When the time comes, and

Go to the clinic, Dognitas

ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY BARREL?

 

Are you wearing a brandy barrel?

Yes, I know it’s like the rescue dog

But you know that the St Bernard

Doesn’t drink all of the grog

MY DOG BIT ME ON THE NUTS

 

My dog bit me on the nuts

When I accidentally kicked her

My wife said it was karma

But I thought she was crosser

THE VET SAID

 

The vet said “Your Pekinese will keep vomiting,

But it’s your choice

To continue to keep talking to the creature

In that stupid gooey voice”

APPARENTLY OWNING A DOG

 

Apparently owning a dog

Can take ten years off you

I now have four of them

But I still look sixty-two

MY DOG MUST BE MUSICAL

 

My dog must be musical

What rubbish I hear you groan

But he must be I tell you

As I saw him eating a trombone

DAYS DOWN BY THE SEA

 

Days down by the sea 

Far away from amusement arcades

Away from the pier

And noisy shopping parades

Just wide empty beaches

The salt sea breeze in my hair

Whatever the weather

I really don’t care

Long languid days

Spent down by sea 

Just a wet shaggy dog

My lady and me

STAY, STAY, STAY

 

Conscious of the danger to an animal

Being left inside a parked car

A woman opened the car window

So, her puppy could get some air

But the little pup saw the open window

As a route to escape the car

And the woman had to stop

Before she had got very far

She stood and pointed at the dog

Firmly saying stay, stay, stay

A woman of the blonde persuasion

Was watching her from some distance away

But she had to keep repeating it

Until she felt it safe to go

The blonde woman shouted to her

“You can use the hand brake you know”

IT’S THE DOGS….

 

A man and his dog walk into the pub

Each night to drink with the locals

As the man has a drink, the mans dog

Lies down and exposes his genitals

And oblivious to his audience the dog

Then lies on his back and licks them

Another man looks on in admiration

Saying “Is no one as impressed as I am?”

He then turns to the owner saying

“Now that’s a thing I wish I could do”

The dogs owner looks at him smiling

“Well give him a crisp and he’ll let you”

IT’S THE DOGS…. AGAIN

 

A man and his dog walk into the pub

Each night to drink with the locals

As the man has a drink, the mans dog

Lies down and then licks his genitals

An offended customer, disgusted asks

“Why does your dog do that man?”

Then owner answers without hesitation

“That’s easy he does it because he can”

THE CANINE ESTABLISHMENT

 

An important element of

The Canine establishment

Is the Dog Constabulary

Known as Paw enforcement