FLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY

 

Float like a Butterfly

Sting like a Bee

Float like Buffalo,

Get punched in the face

ARE YOU WEARING A TIRED EXPRESSION?

 

Are you wearing a tired expression?

There is also a hint of depression

I recognize that look on a man

You’re a Manchester United fan

ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY BELIEVES

 

Anyone who actually believes

That cheats never prosper

Have never seen defenders

Preparing to defend a corner

ARE YOU WEARING BEER GOGGLES?

 

Are you wearing beer goggles?

That’s a definite I reckon

Because I look like Iain Dowie

But you see David Beckham

AFTER BEING CAUGHT USING

 

After being caught using an

Abhorrent substance in plain view

The shamed sportsman has promised

Never again to touch tofu

AFTER BEING CAUGHT, WITH NO EXCUSE

 

After being caught, with no excuse

For abhorrent substance abuse 

The shamed sportsman has sworn

Never again to touch Quorn

IF YOU WERE TO TRAIN QUASIMODO

If you were to train Quasimodo

For an American footballer game

The result of training would be

The Halfback of Notre Dame

THEY’RE PUTTING ON ACTIVITIES

They’re putting on activities

For those whose lives need enhancing

Well I’m hard of hearing

And of the activities they are advancing

Budgie jumping, parrot shooting

And hen gliding 

Might be worth chancing

But no way am I going to have a go

At the Lion dancing

PRIORITISING

 

Players perform elaborate routines

When goals are scored by my team

They must practise them for days

But I would prefer in many ways

That the celebration performers

Would practise defending corners

BE ENGLISH

 

Celebrate the victory

With your piers

Drown the woes of foes

In English beer

Sing loud the songs of triumph

Whisper low of near disasters

Be magnanimous in victory

Be humble in defeat

Be proud, be loud

Be English

UPON THE CHESSBOARD

 

Upon the chessboard

The pieces move

And change their futures

Their course and direction

And I want that

I want to make a move

In a different direction

Toward a different future

I will set a new course

And face what presents itself

There is nothing I can’t do

THE WALKING WOUNDED

 

The walking wounded

And the living dead

The quibbling siblings

Daisy, Maisie and Fred

Every Tennis menace

And Rugger bugger

Every football hooligan

Every thief and mugger

Well, they’re all at it, everyone

Every daughter and son

Him and her and me and you

Doing what birds and bees do

LOOSE MORALS #1

 

She was without her knickers at Twickers

There was a little thatch at Brans Hatch

There was a blushing fellow at Flushing Meadow

When she was legs akimbo in the limo

ALADDIN’S WISH

Aladdin rubbed his lamp

And a Genie did appear

You can have one wish

But only one he made clear

 

“I want to live forever”

Aladdin told the genie.
“I’m sorry” Came the reply

“You can’t wish for immortality”

 

“Living forever

Is against the regulations

You must think again

And revise your expectation”

 

“Do you have your wish?”

Aladdin answered “Yup”

“I want to live to see

England win the World Cup”

DASH IT ALL

 

They called it the dash

Way back in the day

A short word for a short race

Dash was the right word to say

Now they call it the sprint

Like its something elite

It’s still just a short race

That’s been hijacked by the Effete

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TEA BAG

 

The difference between a tea bag

And Woking Football Club

Is a simple one to discover

A tea bag stays longer in the cup

IT WAS A GLORIOUS WEEK IN JUNE

 

It was a glorious week in June

And I wore my best ensemble

But after Day three at Wimbledon

I hadn’t seen a single Womble

WHEN I FIRST GOT INTO ATHLETICS

 

When I first got into athletics

A hurdle scared me a bit

But with dogged perseverance

I managed to get over it

MY DOG ATE ALL THE SCRABBLE TILES

 

My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles

When they were spilt on the mat

And for days he kept leaving

Little messages around the flat

OUR STAR SPRINTER IS NOT A LOOKER

 

Our star sprinter is not a looker

But that doesn’t bother us

We still cheer him to the rafters

But we do call him Fastidious