WATCH OUT IN TRANSYLVANIA

 

Watch out in Transylvania

Because the snowmen

Will, given the chance,

Give you a nasty frostbite

ONE FOOT OF SNOW FELL

 

One foot of snow fell

In the town of Lexington

So, when he went outside

He only wore one Wellington

THE BLIZZARD OF OZ

 

The Blizzard of Oz

Continued to blow

Until the yellow brick road

Was covered in snow

SNOW BLIND

 

Since the snow began to fall

My wife has done nothing at all

But stare blankly through the window

As the snow lays snow on snow

If it continues in this way

We shall have a white Christmas day

But my wife stares through the glass

As the snow falls thick and fast

Sadly, if it gets any worse outside

I'll have to let her come inside

A SNOWMANS TALE

 

When I was very little

My dad and his brother

Built a huge snowman

Bigger than any other

 

He was as tall as Dad

And was round and fat

It had coal for eyes

And a big black hat

 

A scarf about its neck

For sartorial style

A large carrot nose

And a twig for a smile

 

Knobbly stick arms

With gloves at the end

A belt around its girth

Like a cummerbund

 

I loved that snowman

Standing so very tall

Until the eventual thaw

And I watched him fall 

YOU ARE THE BONNIEST CHILD

 

You are the bonniest child

Cute from head to toe

You melt our hearts

As you joyfully go

For your first time

Out to play in the snow

NICE

 

Making your way in life, it’s nice

To know you can, once or twice

Rely on other people in a trice

For assistance, guidance or advice

 

They’ll be no shortage of advice

But knowing what piece or slice

Of advice or guidance will suffice

You might just as well roll a dice

 

This axiom though it be concise

Won’t be bettered to be precise

So you take heed or pay the price

“Don’t eat yellow snow or ice”

THE CHILD COMES ALIVE

 

The child in us all

Comes alive when it comes

It has the uncanny knack

To chase away the glums

I still get excited

Just thinking about it

And when it starts

I don’t want it to quit

The child in me comes alive

It really excites me so

When I hear someone say

“It’s starting to snow”

FROM THE OLD

 

From the old,

The sick,

And the weary,

To the young,

The active,

And the teary

One thing I’ve come to know.

Is everyone loves the snow

Uncanny Tales – (42) The Bar Steward

 

In the early eighties I worked behind the bar at a pub in Woking called the Surrey, however it was not named after the county in which it stood but rather the horse drawn carriage as featured in the musical “Oklahoma” namely “the Surrey with the fringe on top”.

The pub was built in the mid-sixties as a prefabricated temporary structure to service the fast expanding local area and was meant to be replaced by a permanent brick-built pub at a later date.

But more than sixty years later the prefab pub still stands in the same spot and is still in use as a pub.

The pub was a typical example of the period, and unlike today you had a wide range of bitters on offer and a small selection of lagers now of course it’s the other way round.

The youth of today take no time to develop the taste for good ales instead choosing something that’s merely cold and wet. 

Anyway as I said I worked behind the bar, I had been a regular there for a few years before Phil asked me if I wanted a job and I even played on the darts team for two seasons and was mentioned in the Woking News and Mail for best start and highest finish in a 7 – 1 thrashing of the Royal Oak.

It was an alright pub nothing special but alright and with the usual mix of heroes and villains, unremarkable's and unforgetable's, the good the bad and the ugly.

In the unforgettable category came two people of particular distinction firstly was Old Bob who was eighty three when I knew him who was an ex Coldstream Guard and a veteran of the Great War and a real character and secondly Ray Robinson another ex-army man though of younger vintage, Ray was an ex Grenadier turned social worker, incidentally the only social worker I didn’t want to slap, who every Christmas gave up his time to dress up as Santa and be flown by helicopter to various children’s homes, when there was still such a thing, delivering presents.

He would always raise at least one glass to the regiment, and he called his long-suffering wife his Duchess, but he was truly a good man who was sadly taken to young at the hands of cancer, a great loss.

Ray was the only person able to get anything resembling a proper smile out of Phil the landlord.

Phil and his wife Pat were an odd couple, they were like a pair of miscast actors in a soap opera and totally unsuited for the profession they found themselves in.

What prompted them to pursue a career in the pub trade we will never ever know but it was a bad move.

They had no concept of hospitality and an inability to foster even an ounce of goodwill from their customers and there was more than a hint of being inconvenienced when they had to stop what they were doing in order to serve someone.

They were indeed an unwelcoming pair but although Phil was not accustomed to smiling, his wife Pat wore an expression on her face that could stop traffic, but thankfully she kept away much of the time.   

On one Sunday I was working the lunchtime shift when Pat appeared from the back room, it was very rare to see her at all on a Sunday but putting in an appearance at lunch time was totally unheard of, but there she was.

A man put two glasses on the counter, one pint and a spirit, just as Pat stepped through the door and he called to her.

“Pint of lager and a vodka and lime”

Pat hadn’t seen the man put the glasses on the counter but picked up the pint glass that stood in front of him and asked.

“Is this the lager?”

“It’d look bloody stupid with a vodka and lime in it” he retorted

Pat put the glass down and turned round and went back upstairs.

It was an interesting job at times, and it had its perks, for instance I always hate New Year’s Eve, mainly because it’s such a pointless celebration that now seems to be another excuse to let off fireworks.

Also I hate it because if you stay at home there’s nothing on TV if you go out the pubs, clubs and restaurants are packed and all the organized parties end at 12.15, house parties never end but then house parties are pants unless you’re sixteen.

The best New Year’s Eve I ever spent was behind the bar at the Surrey, what a great night, plenty of room behind the bar, free entertainment, wages, and tips by the bucket load.

On the same Sunday that Pat had put in her brief appearance I was also working the evening shift which, due to heavy snowfall, was the quietest shift I ever worked, we only had three customers in all night, in fact Phil even went the other side of the bar to make up a foursome on the dart board.

At the end of the evening we sent off our three intrepid customers and locked up and after clearing away, which didn’t take long, I headed off myself, my car was buried at the wrong end of the car park so I decided to leave the car and walk, I could have got the car out if I’d wanted to but I like the snow and we don’t get much of it so I took the chance to walk home in it.

When I got to within a hundred yards of home, I needed to cross the road just after a junction, I looked up the road and there was a car heading in my direction but it was fifty yards away and as I was crossing after the junction and the car was already indicating left I deemed it safe to cross.

When I was halfway over, I noticed that although the car was indicating left and the front wheels were turning to the left the car was not in fact turning left, in fact it was coming straight for me.

I decided I would move quicker, but suddenly I was like a cartoon   character with my legs going like pistons and yet I was still in the same spot.

It was a surreal slow-motion moment with the car getting slowly closer and I could see the panic in the face of the driver and I was still not moving, but then simultaneously, the car suddenly veered violently to the left and it slewed round the corner and my feet at last gained some traction and I found myself on the pavement were I fell on my backside.

A few months after my near-death experience I gave up my job at the Surrey in order to run the Social Club bar where I had my day job, but I still frequented my local on my free evenings.

ONE FOOT OF SNOW FELL

 

One foot of snow fell

In the town of Lexington

So, when he went outside

He only wore one Wellington

ONE FOOT OF SNOW FELL

 

One foot of snow fell

In the town of Lexington

So, when he went outside

He only wore one Wellington

THERE IS KNOWLEDGE I NEED TO KNOW # 7

 

There is knowledge I need to know

I’m sorry I don’t mean to blether

But how does the snowplough driver

Get to work in the winter weather

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (018) An Ardennes Christmas

 

The next time you’re whining on about what a crap Christmas you had, because your mother in law over did it on the sherry and told everyone what she really thinks about you, or when your wife’s Uncle Stan spent Christmas afternoon asleep on the sofa breaking wind with monotonous regularity, or your brother’s new girlfriend, who kept hitting on your wife or your Gran who said “just a small dinner for me I don’t have much of an appetite” then spent the afternoon eating all the chocolate Brazils.

If this strikes a chord think again and spare a thought for the half a million or so men of the allied forces and six hundred thousand Germans who spent Christmas 1944 outside in the snow of the coldest winter in a generation in the Ardennes forest during the battle of the bulge.

Men like my father sheltering in foxholes scratched out of the frozen earth with no hot food or drink, unable to light fires for fear of giving their position away and regularly coming under enemy fire or being shelled, then once you’ve hewn out a decent sized foxhole and settled down into it out of the icy wind an order comes down the line for everyone to move out and you move a hundred yards or less and dig another hole.

Go and tell your petty gripes to that generation and see if you get any sympathy.

 

True Nature # 3

BLUEBELLS IN THE WOOD

Bluebells in the wood
Sway in the dappled shade
To the tune of Spring

THISTLEDOWN, IN IDLE FLIGHT

Thistledown, in idle flight
Drifts upon the highland wind
Like ancestral spirits

BATHED IN SUMMER SUNSHINE

Bathed in summer sunshine
Gentle breezes stir the stems
But above in the golden sun
Grow an array of perfect gems

ICE AND RAIN

Ice and rain
Sleet and hail
Storm and tempest
Wind and gale
The rugged rock
Cannot prevail

THE SUMMER IS ENDING

The summer is ending
The flowers are dying
The meadows are still
And the geese are flying

SUMMER FLOWERS ARE BLOOMING

Summer flowers are blooming
In the scented meadows
Are the sun slowly sets
Lengthening the shadows

THE PEACEFUL VILLAGE

The peaceful village
In the frozen valley
Lay quietly beneath
Its winter cloak

BENDING IN THE BREEZE

Bending in the breeze
White stalks sway
Flower heads dancing
On a summer day

THE WINTER LAND LIES

The winter land lies
In suspended animation
Part of life’s eternal cycle
And with it, paused
Is its Infinite variety
But As the earth turns
Mother natures seed waits
Beneath the February snows

VOLCANOES ARE TERRIFYING

Volcanoes are terrifying
Just the thought of them is frightful
But pyroclastic eruptions
That’s just Nature at its most spiteful

Me And My Brother – On Thin Ice

My brother was five years older than me and as a result from the time I was five years old he looked upon me as something of a burden.
Now that might sound a bit melodramatic but it’s not as if he had to raise me or anything although in truth I think he would have preferred that.
But unfortunately for Peter his burden took a very different form.
Ever since my fifth birthday he had to baby-sit me, whenever he went out to play he had to take me along, and he hated it, which he never let me forget.
It didn’t matter what plans he had, football, cricket, riding his bike or fishing, you name it I was there too.

It was a Saturday morning in early January 1963 when the country was in the grip of the big freeze.
Apart from the weather it was an average Saturday, my Dad was a Coldstream Guard and was on duty, my sisters were upstairs fighting over who’s turn it was to get in the bathroom, my mum was at the sink washing up and me and my brother were still sitting at the breakfast table tucking into a second bowl of cereal.
Just as I was finishing the last mouthful there was a loud knock on the front door.
“Get that Peter” Mum called
“Ok he said and he was gone about five minutes
“Who was it?” mum asked
“Colin and John” he answered “they’re going sledging and want me to go too”
“I see” mum said without turning around
“Can I go?” Peter asked hopefully
“Yes but take your brother with you” she replied
“Oh mum” he moaned “do I have too?”
“Yes” she said sternly looking up from her task for the first time.
“But he’s a baby” Peter protested
“I’m not a baby” I shouted “I’m six”
“Yes you are” Peter barked at me
“Well if he doesn’t go” mum snapped “you don’t go”
“Oh mum” he protested “That’s not fair”
“Your choice” mum said without looking up from the sink
“Ok” Peter mumbled resignedly
“Hooray” I yelled and ran to the coat cupboard and donned my duffel coat and wellies.
Apart from the duffel coat I also had to wear gloves and a grey knitted balaclava helmet, which was obligatory headgear for children at that time.
Peter was similarly equipped but he removed his balaclava once we were out of sight of the house.
“Look after your brother” Mum said as she followed us to the door
“Alright Mum I will” I said and giggled
“Have fun you two” she said and laughed “don’t do anything silly”
“Bye” I said and ran after Peter
“And stay away from the canal” She shouted just before she closed the door.
It was a cold grey day and there had been a fresh fall of snow overnight which is why sledging had been suggested.
Colin and John were waiting for us on the corner with the sledge.
“Come on Pete” Colin shouted
“Alright we’re coming” Peter replied “Sorry Col but I had to bring the runt”
“Oi” I protested
“Bad luck” Colin said “I had to bring mine as well”
And he patted John on the head.
“Get off” John said and gave his brother a shove.
He was only a couple of year’s young than Colin but unlike me John was not considered a burden by his brother.
They had a brilliant sledge, bright red with a varnished seat.
They always had nice stuff, their Dad was an officer in the Grenadier Guards.
He didn’t really like his boys playing with the progeny of the lower ranks but they did anyway.
We had the snow and a wizard sledge but we trudged around for ages searching for a good place.
It wasn’t that there was a shortage of hills in the small corner of Surrey that was Pirbright.
The problem was however finding one that wasn’t covered in Trees, Ferns and Bracken, or that terminated on a road or railway lines.
After about an hour we struck lucky when we found an old disused gravel pit which had a long straight slope that ended in a thick accumulation of snow.

We had a brilliant time and we sledged until we were utterly exhausted when we began the long trudge home which was an hour away.
“Let’s take a short cut across the canal” Colin suggested
“What on the ice?” John asked
“Yes” he replied “it’ll save us time”
“We’re not allowed” I said
“Shut up baby” Peter snapped
“Is the ice thick enough?” John asked cautiously
“We’ll soon find out once you stand on it” Colin said
“Why me?” John asked with alarm
“Because I said” Colin replied
“Well I’m not going first” John stated adamantly
After a few minutes of arguing between the brothers Peter said
“For God’s sake I’ll go”
“Good man Pete” Colin said as Peter gingerly inched his way onto the ice.
Once it was apparent that it was safe Colin followed suit then me and finally John.
“This is great let’s go down the canal to the footbridge” Peter suggested and we all slipped and slid our way the half mile or so to the footbridge.
When we got there I thought it was quite a steep bank up to the tow path for a kid my size so I decided to go the other side of the bridge where I thought it would be easier for me to climb up.
When he saw what I was doing John shouted
“Don’t go under there!”
“It’s ok” I replied “I can climb up easier down here”
“That’s not what I mean” John shouted
The shout attracted Peter’s attention and he said
“Listen to John”
“Come over here and we’ll help you out” Colin suggested
“It’s all right” I insisted “I can manage”
Then all three of them shouted in unison
“Don’t go under the bridge”
“Its ok I’m not a bab…” I began as the ice gave way beneath me and I sank like a stone.
I went straight to the bottom and then luckily bobbed straight back up and through the same hole I’d fallen through seconds before.
When I reached the surface I took in a huge breath, not because I’d been deprived of oxygen but rather more because the water was freezing.
All three of them were by the hole when I surfaced and quickly pulled me out of the icy water.
“That’s why we said “Don’t go under the bridge”” Peter said
I didn’t reply as my teeth were chattering too much so I just nodded.
Every stitch of clothing was soaked through and both of my wellies were full to the brim with icy water.
Once they knew I was unharmed the laughter began and when I squelched to the bank and water exuded from my boots with each step they were in hysterics and rolling around on the ice.
I sat on the ice and emptied each welly in turn and the cascade of water was greeted with fresh peals of laughter.
“What are we going to tell mum?” I asked soberly which silenced Peter in an instant.
“Oh bloody hell” he said “She’ll kill me”

The three of them helped me up the bank and we began to slog up the wooded hillside in the general direction of home while they all suggested excuses for why I was sopping wet.
“Can’t you just tell the truth?” Colin said
“Are you kidding?” Peter replied “We were told not to go near the canal”
“She’d be really mad” I added
“That’s an understatement” Peter corrected me “I wouldn’t be allowed out again until the cricket season”
“How about a car driving through a puddle and splashing him?” John offered
“That won’t work” Colin retorted
“Why not?” john asked
“Well Einstein if a car drove through a puddle how come Paul is the only one that got wet?”
“I hadn’t thought of that” John admitted
“Whereas he could have fallen in the puddle” Colin suggested
“Look at him” Peter said “Does it look like he fell in a puddle?”
All three of them turned to look at me as I squelched along in their wake.
“What?” I said in response
“We’re trying to account for why you look like that” Peter said
“Can’t we just say I fell in a ditch?”

When we got back to Slade Road we said goodbye to Colin and John on the corner and with a sense of foreboding trudged the last few yards to the house.
Once inside we kicked of our wellies and hung up our coats in the cupboard.
“Is that you boys?” Mum called from the kitchen
“Yes mum” Peter replied
“Did you have fun?” she asked
“Yes it was great” I answered
Then Peter ushered me up the stairs as Mum came out of the kitchen.
“You must be perished” she said “I’ll run you a bath”
“I’ll do it mum” Peter said
“Oh alright darling I’ll get on with tea then” and she returned to the kitchen.
I got in the bath first and while I was in there Peter snuck my wet clothes into the airing cupboard to dry them off a bit.

We were both on the landing ready to go down and feeling rather pleased with our management of the situation when she called up the stairs
“Why is Paul’s coat soaking wet?”
And without pausing to take a breath Peter replied
“He fell in a ditch on the way home”
“How did that happen” she asked
“Colin, John and me all jumped over the ditch and then Paul tried and fell in” Peter replied and we held our breaths until mum said
“That’s typical of the Clumsy so and so”

MR GLISTEN COMES TO TOWN

The snow has come its falling fast
Its time to dance about and cheer
Soon it will be time to build a snowman
I build the same one every year

When the snow is lying deep and fresh
I go to the cupboard in my room
Where I get his hat, gloves and scarf
And of course his birchwood broom

Mum says “don’t you stay out long”
But she knows that I don’t listen
She knows that it takes some time
To build the perfect Mr Glisten

I always start in the same place
And make the body large and round
For his head I roll a smaller ball
Rolling it on the snowy ground

Soon he stands up taller than me
Rising up from the fallen snow
Each year it takes a little longer
As like me each year he grows

Down his front go pebble buttons
From his neck down to the floor
His stick arms wear his gloves
Which don’t really fit him anymore

Then I put on his scarf and hat
His birch broom stands by his side
Marbles to make his eyes shine
And a stick mouth smiling wide

Last the carrot nose goes in place
And I step back and a moment spend
Gazing at the happy snowman face
Then I say “Hello my old friend”

WINTER WONDERLAND

THE SILENT DAWN

The six o’clock alarm
Breaks my slumber
I swat at the clock
Like an unwelcome bug
A single gesture brings silence
And I lie in the quiet hush
Silence! Why is it silent?
Where is the traffic noise?
The clinking milk float?
The boy racers?
The early morning bussle?
I leap from my bed
And rush to the window
I pause for a moment
Hold my breath in anticipation
Then pull back the curtain
And what a sight to behold
Snow! Snow! Snow!
As far as the eye could see
A vista of pure virgin white
The whole scene cloaked
In a deep shroud of snow
Shapes rose up here and there
From the thick carpet
Disguising what lay below
I search the scene for signs of life
And found none
The snow was fresh and unsullied
Just lying there, waiting
I turned and dragged the duvet
Off my sleeping wife
And responded to her protests
Saying “Snow! Snow! Snow!”
Half an hour later
We were fully dressed
And on the way out of the door
Thirty seconds later we were back
We had forgotten to wake the children

SNOWFLAKE

What a perfect creation
Are the snowflakes
Beauty and geometry
Each precisely fashioned

They float to earth
Filling the air
Like cotton in a mill shed
Haphazardly drifting

Individual and unique
The crystals fall
Like pieces in an Impossipuzzle
To make a perfect picture

IT’S A SNOW DAY

The motorway is closed
All the schools are shut
It’s a snow day, it’s a snow day
The kids can stay and play

The buses aren’t running
The car won’t start
It’s a snow day, it’s a snow day
We can stay and play

The gritter’s never did the job
The salt’s still in the bin
It’s a snow day, it’s a snow day
No work for us today

It’s bad for the economy
For us all to stay at home
It’s a snow day, it’s a snow day
Hip, hip hooray

LET IT SNOW

The north wind blows it ills
The wind, the wind, the wind that chills
Then the snow falls on the hills

The north wind softly blows
The wind, the wind, the wind that slows
Then the snow falls down below

Silently falling although the night
Inch upon inch covering everything in sight
Fresh and clean lies the white

The children run in hat and glove
They run, they run in the snow they love
The snow that flutters from above

The north wind dies away
Then the rain, the rain spoils the children play
But the snow will come another day