THE POLICE FOUND A BODY

 

A body was found in a drain

That someone tried to hide

The police suspect foul play

And have ruled out Sewercide

A PARROT SAT ON A CUSTODY CHAIR

 

A Parrot sat on a custody chair

And continually prattled on

In fact he sang like a canary

So he was a real Stool Pigeon

LOW TECH POLICING

 

The police have now been issued, with pencils

And very thin sheets of paper, all very low tech,

It’s a brand-new initiative being rolled out, so that

When crimes occur, they can trace the suspect

THE FELINE ESTABLISHMENT

 

An important element of

The Feline establishment

Is the Cat Constabulary

Known as Claw enforcement

THE CANINE ESTABLISHMENT

 

An important element of

The Canine establishment

Is the Dog Constabulary

Known as Paw enforcement

ARE YOU WEARING A POLICEMAN’S HAT?

 

Are you wearing a policeman’s hat?

And you don’t get fed up with that

When they ask about your bobby’s hat

“Does your head reach the top of that?”

THE POLICE ARE BEING ISSUED WITH PENCILS

 

The police are being issued with pencils and

Very thin sheets of paper, all very low tech

It’s a new initiative being rolled out so that

When crimes occur, they can trace a suspect

WHEN POLICE SEARCHED THE HOME

 

When Police searched the home

Of Cliff Richard, and were to seize

A very large amount of material

Because they were led to believe

There was a link to Yew Tree

And they found among the amalgam

To their complete and utter disgust

That he was releasing a new album

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION

 

Crime Scene Investigation

Better known as CSI

Has been on the air so long

It should be renamed RSI

THERE WAS A MURDER IN A NORFOLK VILLAGE

 

There was a murder in a Norfolk village

But the police are struggling to solve it

In fact they can’t even identify the body

Despite the corpse having an additional digit

The DNA matches everyone in the village

And dental records aren’t helping a bit

TO THOSE WHO LOOTED

 

To those who looted electrical goods during rioting,

A Police press conference announced today

Should be aware of the consequences so remember this

The one year manufacturer's warranty runs out in May

TRAFFIC COP – SOMETHING IN COMMON

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

But don’t say to the men in blue

“Well in order to catch me

You must have been speeding too”

TRAFFIC COP – CONDITIONAL

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

But just don’t overdo it

By asking “I thought cops

Had to be reasonably fit”

TRAFFIC COP – SERIOUS BUMMER

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

But avoid the obvious bummer

By not asking the cop

If he is dumb or dumber

TRAFFIC COP – AVOIDING THE OBVIOUS

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work but

When talking to the constabulary

Avoid reminding them

Exactly who pays their salary

TRAFFIC COP – DO YOU KNOW?

 

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

The cop asked me like a typical fuzz

“No officer I don’t, I hope you do, 

I think it’s important that one of us does”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 183

 

"Who killed Cock Robin?"

"I," said the Sparrow,

"With my bow and arrow,

 I killed Cock Robin."

“You’re nicked then son”

Said Inspector Bird

From Scotland Yard

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY PUTZ

 

When the police caught me speeding

My eyes were strained and blinking

I was pulled over by a putz

 

Who said “Your eyes look red,

Have you been drinking?”

So, with no ifs or buts

 

“Your eyes look glazed”

I responded without thinking

“Have you been eating doughnuts?”

TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO CLEVER

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

Don’t say to the men in blue

“That's great the last cop

Only gave me a warning too” 

TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO FUNNY

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

So, say to the men in blue

“You don’t need to check

In the boot, do you?”