13TH CENTURY SCOTLAND

 

In 13th century Scotland:

A law passed fining men

For refusing proposals

If they are an eligible man

On February 29th

THERE IS KNOWLEDGE I NEED TO KNOW # 12

 

There is knowledge I need to know

And I really need to know it soon

Such as how the pipers can tell

When their bagpipes are out of tune

THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT ANDREW

 

The feast day of Saint Andrew

Is Scotland’s National Day

When the Scottish people

Celebrate Saint Andrew's Day

ARE YOU WEARING A THISTLE?

 

Are you wearing a thistle?

Scotland’s floral emblem

A prickly little symbol

Displayed out of patriotism

IS THERE ANYTHING WORN UNDER THE KILT?

 

Is there anything worn under the kilt?

An old lady asked Mr Lauder?

“No Madam there is not” he replied

“Everything is in perfect working order”

ARE YOU WEARING ANY?

 

Are you wearing any?

Beneath your tartan gear

Because if your kilt flares up

There will be a raucous cheer

NICOLA STURGEON, THE SCOTTISH FIRST MINISTER

 

Nicola Sturgeon, the Scottish First Minister

Says she want’s independence from Westminster

But it’s illogical, she’s just flexing her muscles

As Scotland will become dependent on Brussels

ARE YOU WEARING A SPORRAN ONCE AGAIN?

Are you wearing a sporran once again?

Well, it’s not that easy to hide

But I feel I should point out

You wear it on the outside

THE OFFER THAT SWUNG THE VOTE

 

The offer that swung the vote

On the recent referendum day

Was lowering healthy portions

From five, to three a day

THERE WOULD BE MORE RESERVES

 

There would be more reserves

Remaining in the North Sea

If the Scots didn’t have

Such a deep-frying tendency

ON THE QUESTION OF INDEPENDENCE

On the question of independence

This is what I truly believe

The people of England, really

Don’t care if Scotland leave 

ON THE QUESTION OF SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE

 

On the question of Scottish independence

They’ve worded it the wrong way

Don’t ask the Scots if they want to go

Ask the English if we want them to stay

GOOD BYE SCOTLAND GOODBYE

 

Goodbye Scotland goodbye

Good bye Scotland don't cry

That little Nationalist train

that makes me

Quite happy, no words can tell how glad it makes me

Go now Scotland and then,

We’ll wave goodbye once again.

Hear us all cheer

Without a tear

And if it all goes wrong don’t come back in a year

Goodbye Scotland goodbye.

Good bye Scotland don't cry.

Sung to the tune of Toot Toot Tootsie

SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE REFERENDUM, 2014

 

The Scottish Nationalists

Want to go for independence

Which is their prerogative

I am filled with indifference

Go or stay I don’t care

Its Scotland’s decision

As long as it’s a well informed

Choice for the division

But dear Alex Salmond

Is one of the arrogant asses

Views everything English

Thru Tartan tinted glasses

 

Thursday 18 September 2014.

ARE YOU WEARING A KILT?

Are you wearing a kilt?

Won’t your extremities wilt?

Well, you’re a very hardy guy

And a braver man than I

You are pant less are you not?

Oh, so you’re not a proper Scot

So, you’re not very hardy guy

Nor a braver man than I

Well, if from tradition you avert

You’re just a man in a skirt 

MY NEW GIRLFRIEND IS FROM GLASGOW

 

My new girlfriend is from Glasgow

And when I met her Father and Mother

I found they were incredibly posh, 

They served deep fried Ferrero Rocher

EAST OF KINTYRE

 

On the Mull of Kintyre

I stood atop the steep cliffs

On a day so crisp and clear

And looked out towards the east

And it was possible to see

The mystical Ailsa Craig

And the Ayrshire coast beyond

WEST OF KINTYRE # 3

 

On the Mull of Kintyre

I stood atop the steep cliffs

On a day so crisp and clear

And looked out towards the west

Where it was possible to make out

Malin Head in Donegal

WEST OF KINTYRE # 2

 

On the Mull of Kintyre

I stood atop the steep cliffs

On a day so crisp and clear

And looked out towards the west

Where it was possible to see

Rathlin Island clear as day

And Ballycastle just beyond

WEST OF KINTYRE # 1

 

On the Mull of Kintyre

I stood atop the steep cliffs

Looking out across the sea

To the distant misty shores

Of Antrim far away