21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 247

 

John Cook was riding down the road

Pedalling fast

He hit a pothole

And has ridden his last

ARE YOU WEARING HANDCUFFS?

 

Are you wearing handcuffs?

What have you been arrested for?

You saw a dress in the shop window

And it was cheaper than before

So, you decided to try it on

And that’s what you’ve been arrested for?

Trying on a dress in the shop window?

You tried it on in the window of the store

WINE BOXES AREN’T FOR THE SNOBS

 

Wine boxes aren’t for the snobs

But what makes them unwhackable

Is unlike the odd shaped bottles

All the Wine boxes are stackable

THE EBOLA CRISIS IS CAUSING CONCERN

 

The Ebola crisis is causing concern

And is causing the Americans to fret

And what the people want to know

Is why aren’t their troops there yet

ON HOLIDAY IN THE WEST COUNTRY

 

On holiday in the West Country,

During a recreational pursuit

I discovered that Plymouth Hoe

Was not a Devonian Prostitute

PLAYING "LA CUCARACHA"

 

Playing "La Cucaracha"

I hear the chimes call

Come get our hot food

Come one and come all

It’s the cockroach song

Is no one concerned at all?

IT’S YOUR OWN TIME YOU’RE WASTING

 

“It’s your own time you’re wasting”

But no one listens to the teacher

So, when option time came around

I went and signed up for media

IN THE CORRIDORS AT MY SCHOOL

 

In the corridors at my school

We were allowed to run

There was a simple explanation,

We didn’t have a gymnasium

SOMETHING HAPPENED AT SCHOOL TODAY

 

Something happened at school today

Which has shaken us up a bit

We had an issue with the register

As two of our teachers were on it

I CAN SAY FROM EXPERIENCE

 

I can say from experience

Marriage is in no way like prison

And the reason I say that

Is you get far more sex in prison

WHY CAN'T YOU RUN THROUGH A CAMP?

 

Why can't you run through a camp?

Because that would cause grammatical offence

You cannot run through a camp at all

It would obviously “be ran” because it's past tents

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 246

 

John Cook was riding up

Shooter's Hill,

Pedalling fast

Pedestrians scattering to avoid being killed

ARE YOU WEARING A BUSTLE?

 

Are you wearing a bustle?

Well, who am I to condemn

I suppose everyone seems normal

Until you get to know them

MY ACUPUNCTURIST ATTACKED ME

 

My acupuncturist attacked me

When she proper lost her temper

She stabbed me with a needle

But you know, I’ve never felt better

MY FRIEND RAVED TO ME

My friend raved to me

About his orthopaedic shoe

But I think he built them up

Too much in my view 

ONE IN FOUR WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY

 

One in four women in this country

Are on meds for mental illness

So, the rest are running around

Undiagnosed more or less

I HAVE A VERY POLITE DOCTOR

 

I have a very polite doctor,

Nice to the point of folly

He won’t tell me I’m obese

He says I’m morbidly jolly

WHEN THE WINE BOX IS EMPTY

 

When the wine box is empty

I am one of the thorough types

I rip open the cardboard

To reveal the Pinots tripe’s

And squeeze it dry as I play

The alcoholics bagpipes

WE HAVE A NEW MARKET IN TOWN

 

We have a new market in town

And they do Korean street food

One customer ordered poodle noodles

Which I thought was quite rude

THERE WOULD BE MORE RESERVES

 

There would be more reserves

Remaining in the North Sea

If the Scots didn’t have

Such a deep-frying tendency

EVERY WEEKEND IN ESSEX-LAND

 

Every weekend in Essex-land

Daddies’ precious little petal

Gets off her tits and tanked up

On gallons of Princess Petrol

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 245

 

John Cook was riding up

Shooter's Bank,

Pedalling fast

He thought running red lights a bit of a prank

ARE YOU WEARING A PINNY?

 

Are you wearing a pinny?

And why exactly are you wearing it?

You said “A man’s home is his castle”

And she said “Then you can clean it”

I MET AN INTERESTING GIRL AT A PARTY

 

I met an interesting girl at a party

At first, I admired her from afar

She claimed that just by knowing

The make of an individual’s car

She could discern their personality

Apparently, I shouldn’t own a car

I WAS BULLIED VERY BADLY AT SCHOOL

 

I was bullied very badly at school

To it, my mind reluctantly returns,

I was hospitalized on one occasion

With full thickness Chinese burns

I’M NOT A CLOSET RACIST

 

I’m not a closet racist

I keep on telling her

Just because I dislike

The people of Narnia

WE WENT TO A POSH NEW RESTAURANT

 

We went to a posh new restaurant

And the food was really trash

When we saw the astronomical bill

We did the Dine and Dash

SLEAZY POLITICIANS APPEAR IN THE TABLOIDS

 

Sleazy politicians appear in the tabloids

As allegations are made afresh

But they all protest their innocence

Perhaps they were just pressing the flesh

THE GLASS CEILING HAS BEEN REMOVED

 

The glass ceiling has been removed

For the benefit of women everywhere

It’s a positive move long overdue

It was difficult to clean way up there

MY WIFE’S BEEN GIVING ME THE SILENT TREATMENT

 

My wife’s been giving me the silent treatment

Which I have enjoyed if truth to tell

But every silver lining has a cloud

When the silence was accompanied by a smell

NIGEL FARAGE

 

Love him or loath him, Nigel Farage

Is strangely charismatic

In fact, he’s quite a colourful character

Which in truth is ironic

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 244

 

John Cook was a cyclist

All licra clad

He rides the road and the pavement

Equally as bad

ARE YOU WEARING PINCE-NEZ?

 

Are you wearing pince-nez?

Don’t they pinch a bit?

They look a little uncomfortable

But with your image they fit

 

That looks an impressive book

A rather weighty tome, isn’t it?

It will make you look good

If you die halfway through it

THE WATER FEATURE

Running Water is so therapeutic

It seems to Wash away your cares

However, the exception to the rule

Is when it’s running down the stairs

LIDL

 

Lidl in Stevenage has closed its doors

And has been raised to the floor

To build a new Lidl superstore

Which won’t be so Lidl anymore

CHINESE FAST FOOD

 

We went out to pick up

A Chinese takeaway

But we were skint, so we did

A Chinese Runaway

ON THE QUESTION OF INDEPENDENCE

On the question of independence

This is what I truly believe

The people of England, really

Don’t care if Scotland leave 

ON THE QUESTION OF SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE

 

On the question of Scottish independence

They’ve worded it the wrong way

Don’t ask the Scots if they want to go

Ask the English if we want them to stay

I SOLD THE VACUUM CLEANER

 

I sold the vacuum cleaner

I wasn’t really fussed

After all, at the end of the day

It was just collecting dust

MY UNCLE COLLECTS WILD ANIMALS

 

My uncle collects wild animals

He’s the strangest bloke I’ve met

I offered him a really fat badger

He said no “as it didn’t fit in his set”

I SCOURED THE LATEST GLOSSY MAGS

 

I scoured the latest glossy mags

In search of some fashion-ism

To give some indication as to what

One wears for casual racism

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 243

 

The Barber shaved the Mason,

And then at the close

The barber did propose

Something for the weekend sir?

ARE YOU WEARING LIP-GLOSS?

 

Are you wearing lip-gloss?

No, you’re not, you cow

You were when you went out

So, who’s wearing it now?

GOOD BYE SCOTLAND GOODBYE

 

Goodbye Scotland goodbye

Good bye Scotland don't cry

That little Nationalist train

that makes me

Quite happy, no words can tell how glad it makes me

Go now Scotland and then,

We’ll wave goodbye once again.

Hear us all cheer

Without a tear

And if it all goes wrong don’t come back in a year

Goodbye Scotland goodbye.

Good bye Scotland don't cry.

Sung to the tune of Toot Toot Tootsie

THE CHOCOLATE STRAWBERRY’S

 

The Chocolate Strawberry’s

I have so far concluded

As one of your five a day

May definitely be included

CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS

 

Chocolate coated raisins

I found out today

Can easily be included

As one of your five a day

WHEN THE RAIN FALLS

 

When the rain falls

Look for the rainbows

When darkness falls

Look for the stars

When your love falls

You can look for me

THE CILLIT BANG GUY

 

The Cillit Bang guy is

Punting it out here and there

So is Barry Scott now

A soap scum millionaire

THE GIRL WAS PIGEON CHESTED

 

The girl was pigeon chested

Which wasn't obvious to begin

But once I got her bra off

Both her nipples pointed in

COUGHS AND SNEEZES

 

Coughs and sneezes

Spread diseases

Colds and flu

And nasty wheezes

So, protect against

Coughs and sneezes

There is one thing

That helps and eases

Have a smoke

To help the wheezes

Choose any brand

Pick one that pleases

So do not fear

Coughs and sneezes

Because smoking stops

Them spreading diseases

 

It’s alright I haven’t gone mad I was prompted to right this by Bee, who pointed out how strange it was how perceptions of things change over time.

For example, Cigarettes were marketed in the 19th century as a cure for amongst other things Asthma and Catarrh.

Now we no different

THE POETIC PAM AYRES

 

The poetic Pam Ayres

Wrote verse with a gag

And I think she looks

Like Benny Hill in drag

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 242

St. Swithin's day if thou be fine

For forty days the sun will shine

And if you believe that you’ll believe anything

ARE YOU WEARING A TOP HAT?

 

Are you wearing a top hat?

Its height certainly exceeds

You’re trying to look taller?

A philosophy a wise man heeds

Is that a man is only as tall

As the sum of his deeds

LOOK IT’S NOT LIKE I’M HURTING ANYONE

 

Look it’s not like I’m hurting anyone

It’s not like I fell for her out of habit

And can I say I’m only human after all

So, is it weird that I fancy Jessica Rabbit?

SUPERMARKET BLUES # 1

 

You know it really gets me down

As you wait patiently in the queue

And some numpty shopper behind

Runs his trolley into the back of you

SNOWFLAKES MUST NEVER BE

 

Snowflakes must never be

Caught in your open mouth

Until you’re sure that all

The birds have flown south

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 2

 

Is there anything more annoying?

Can there ever be any doubt

When you can never get anything

Back in a box the way it came out

DIETING TIP # 9

Things licked off knives and spoons,

Which can be any soupcon or delicacy,

During the process of preparation

Are absolutely devoid of calories 

FOGHORN LEGHORN AND ALL HIS PALS # 1

Foghorn leghorn and all his pals

Are a sickly bunch of cocks

They are itchy and scratchy

And all have the people-pox

A SUSPECT IN THE ALASKAN MURDER CASE

 

A suspect in the Alaskan murder case

Was asked for an alibi by Detective Starch

When he asked "So tell me where you

Were on the night of September to March?"

MY GRANDFATHER WAS FROM LAPLAND

My Grandfather was from Lapland

And he was the greatest hunter I bet

And when he went to the bleak tundra

To catch Arctic Hare, he used a hare net

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 241

 

St. Swithin's day if thou dost rain

For forty days it will remain

And that’s the English summer for you

ARE YOU WEARING WINTER UNDERWEAR?

 

Are you wearing winter underwear?

I’m thinking as you stand there

Are you clad in body formers?

Proper cozy winter warmers

Substantial Bloomers for outdoors

A sturdy pair of winter drawers

I may never know for sure

But with my thoughts impure

I’m content as you stand there

In your cozy winter underwear

ROSE HIT VIOLET

 

Rose hit Violet

Right in the kisser

She has a big mouth

So, Rose couldn’t miss her

THE VICARIOUS VICAR

 

The Reverend Hinton

Brought many couples,

Efficiently and Happily

Through their nuptials

 

And he was content

Experiencing happiness

Thru the couples he joined

But felt alone nonetheless

 

For at the end of the day

He went on his own

To his empty vicarage

And sat home alone

ALL OF MY ADULT LIFE

 

All of my adult life

I have been searching and

Eureka! I have the answer

I have finally worked it out

 

I shouldn’t be looking for

Someone I can live with

I should be looking for

Someone I can’t live without

STAR STRUCK

 

A contagion struck down

Quentin Tarantino

Now he’s in the hospital

In a tent in quarantino

JOHN BERCOW

 

John Bercow has

Got on his high horse

Regarding height-ism

Well, I say high horse

I LOVE FOOT PUMPS

 

I love foot pumps

I think they are really neat

And are particularly good

If you have flat feet

YOU ARE 50 YEARS OLD

 

You are 50 years old

And if I may be so bold

Despite what you were told

The emphasis is on the old

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 442

 

Holly and Phil, where have you been?

Have you been to Westminster to visit the Queen?

Holly and Phil, did you get a good view?

I guess you did because you jumped the queue

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 240

 

Buzz wuzz was that little fly

And how he loved to caper

Up and down the room he flew

Until I hit it with my paper

ARE YOU WEARING STEAK?

 

Are you wearing steak?

A pork chop? Ok my mistake

Oh, your eye is very swollen

What happened to you then?

You went to the shop for steak

But bought chops, ok your mistake

ROSES ARE VIOLET

 

Roses are Violet

Violets are Lilac

Lilacs are Roses

And she wants then back

WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE

 

When we have to go somewhere,

Then absolutely anything, to be fair

Is honestly fine for you wear

BEER AND FOOTBALL

 

Beer and football are

As exciting for me

As handbags and shoes

Are for you, really

THE DIVORCE COURT JUDGE SAID

 

The divorce Court Judge said “Mr. Curtis,

I have decided to give your wife £500 a week”

“That’s very fair, your honour,' Mr Curtis said

“I can manage a few quid myself at a squeak”

I WENT TO A POSH JEWELLER

I went to a posh jeweller to buy a new watch,

And I told the geezer I wanted it really top notch

So, he said “Analogue” I replied “No, just a watch"

AS IVAN ILLICH ONCE WROTE

 

As Ivan Illich once wrote,

A man clearly cleverer than me

Who stated that within

A consumer society

There are inevitably

Two kinds of slaves

The prisoners of addiction

And the prisoners of envy

AN UNSUSPECTING PENSIONER

 An unsuspecting pensioner

Was approached by a professional begger

"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

"Force yourself dear," she says     

SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE REFERENDUM, 2014

 

The Scottish Nationalists

Want to go for independence

Which is their prerogative

I am filled with indifference

Go or stay I don’t care

Its Scotland’s decision

As long as it’s a well informed

Choice for the division

But dear Alex Salmond

Is one of the arrogant asses

Views everything English

Thru Tartan tinted glasses

 

Thursday 18 September 2014.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 239

 

My father left me three acres of land,

Oh grand, oh grand

And what can be found on this land?

Only sand, just sand

ARE YOU WEARING A CROSS?

 

Are you wearing a cross?

So, are you a regular church goer then?

No, I really don’t think it counts

Having sex in the cemetery now and again

VIOLET HIT ROSE

 

Violet hit Rose

Square on the nose

She lost the plot

And Rose cried a lot

 

Noses have bled

Eyes they are red

Violet you’re blue

But what did I do?

WE WERE SHOPPING FOR HOLIDAY CLOTHES

We were shopping for holiday clothes

And we were very nearly done

When my wife reached the swimwear

“Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”

She asked me so I replied “get a bikini”

'You will never get it all in one”

THE GRAVESIDE SERVICE WAS OVER

 

The graveside service was over,

When there was a clap of thunder,

Followed by a bolt of lightning,

Then a louder clap of thunder

The old man turned and said

“Well, she’s arrived then Vicar”

DARLING LET ME JUST SAY THIS

 

Darling let me just say this

For your future information

If you expect me to follow

The flow of the conversation

 

Then you must at least try

Whenever possible, please say

Whatever you have to say

During the commercials, ok?

LISTEN I AM NOT A MIND READER

 

Listen I am not a mind reader

And I never will be to be fare

But if I ask you what is wrong

All I get in return is a cold glare

My lack of mind-reading skills

Does not prove that I don’t care

IF I ASK YOU WHAT IS WRONG

 

If I ask you what is wrong

And you reply “nothing’s wrong”

I will act as if nothing’s wrong

 

Even though I know you are lying

I will not continue prying

It’s just not worth the hassle trying

IF YOU ASK A QUESTION

 

If you ask a question, you

Don’t want an answer to,

Then to be perfectly clear

Expect an answer you don't want to hear

IF SOMETHING I SAID, CAN BE

 

If something I said, can be

Interpreted two ways, and one

Of the ways makes you sad or angry,

I meant the other one

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 238

 

There was an old woman

Tucked up in a basket

They use them now

Instead of a casket

ARE YOU WEARING A RUBBER?

 

Are you wearing a rubber?

That’s jumping the gun in my opinion

What do you mean you’re not wearing one?

Well, I’ll tell you, now bare back is not an option

Oh, you’re not wearing one at the moment

So, you have some kind of skin condition

ROSES ARE BLUE

 

Roses are Blue

I can see them on view

Rose you are red

Was it something I said?

MY WIFE GOT ME TO BELIEVE IN RELIGION

 

My wife got me to believe in religion

Not something you could foretell

But it was true because until

I married her I didn't believe in Hell

WHERE DID I GET MY INTELLIGENCE?

 “Dad, where did I get my intelligence?'

The young schoolboy asked his father

“Well son as I still have mine” he said

“You obviously got it from your mother”

THE EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR

The Emergency Room doctor said

“I don't like the look of your wife at all sir”

“Nor me” he agreed “But she can cook,

Do the decorating and the kids like her”

AIRPORT AIRHEAD

Bimbette called the Airport and asked

“How long will it take to fly from London

To Athens?” The agent replied, “Just a minute”

“Thank you” Bimbette said and she was gone

AN OLD MAN GOES TO SEE A WIZARD

An old man goes to see a Wizard

To ask him to remove a curse

That had been on him forty years

The wizard said he was not averse

But he needed the words of the curse

To remove the cause of his strife

The man said I know them off by heart

“I now pronounce you man and wife”

THERE WAS A MURDER IN A NORFOLK VILLAGE

 

There was a murder in a Norfolk village

But the police are struggling to solve it

In fact they can’t even identify the body

Despite the corpse having an additional digit

The DNA matches everyone in the village

And dental records aren’t helping a bit

A MAN RECOVERING FROM SURGERY

A man recovering from surgery was asked

By the nurse “how are you feeling Mr Dukes?”

“I’m a little concerned about a four letter word

Uttered during the surgery by Doctor Proops”

“What exactly did he say?” asked the nurse.

The man went very pale and then said “Oops!” 

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 237

 

There was a little guinea-pig,

In my neighbours house

Why?

Anybody?

ARE YOU WEARING A PROPHYLACTIC?

 

Are you wearing a prophylactic?

What do you mean “what’s one of them”

Bloody hell, are you really that thick

A rubber? A frenchie? A Johnny? A condom?

It’s a contraceptive sheath, just put it on

So, I don’t get knocked up by a moron

I FIND MODERN LIVING HARD TO FATHOM

I find modern living hard to fathom

As life throws up unlikely pairs

For few women admit their age

And even fewer men act theirs

FORGETFUL

 

I forget names; I forget faces

I even forget to zip up my fly

But by far the worst thing

Is forgetting to unzip your fly

THE SILVER VOTERS

 

The nations older aged voters

Are not that easy to impress

Because as you grow older

You stand for more and fall for less

MY WIFE ASKED IF HER APPENDIX SCAR

 

My wife asked if her appendix scar

Made her look unattractive, a bit

I was quick to dispel any misgivings

She might have in regard to it

And uttered the reassuring words

"Don’t worry love, your tits cover it"

MY WIFE WAS BEING A DRAMA QUEEN

My wife was being a drama queen and said

"I feel like jumping in front of a bus

And you don’t help” So I sent her a timetable

And God did she ever make a fuss

I KNOW THAT YOU’RE REALLY OLD

 

I know that you’re really old

But your aging appears static

Which means you must have

A portrait hanging in the attic

ONE POTATO TWO POTATO

Roast potato

New potato

Boiled potato

Sure

Mashed potato

Waffled potato

Baked potato

More

Wedges with dips

Hash browns and Chips

You should eat your fill

Of the Dublin mixed grill

ROSES ARE RED

Roses are red

Apples are fruity

Show us your tatt

I bet it’s a beauty.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 236

 

To market, to market, a gallop a trot,

To buy some meat to put in the pot;

Make sure its meat don’t let them con you

I won’t be impressed if you come home with tofu

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FACE FOR A BET?

 

Are you wearing that face for a bet?

Cheer up let’s have a ball

Come on just one little smile

Start with something quite small

Great you have no sense of humor

So probably no sense at all

MY GRANDDAD WAS WONDERFUL

 My Granddad was wonderful

He always smiled and never frowned

He’d always have a treat for me

He was Father Christmas all year round

A MAN WALKED INTO A CROWDED BAR

A man walked into a crowded bar

With a loaded gun and shouted

"Who’s been shagging my sister?”

In case his intent was doubted

He raised the gun and took aim

And fired the gun to demonstrate

A lone voice shouted from the back

"You don't have enough bullets mate"

DON’T SEE GROWING OLD AS A NEGATIVE

 

Don’t see growing old as a negative

Ageing is like fine wine so

It gets better with age,

But you’ve got some way to go

MY SON HAD A EUREKA MOMENT

 

My son had a eureka moment

And I was quite impressed

He discovered that the volume knob

Could also turn to the left

GREY HAIR IS NOT A GLORIOUS CROWN

Grey hair is not a glorious crown

Worn by a righteous life

But an unwillingness to buy dye

On the part of my wife

MILESTONE 70 # 1

If I'd realized I was going

To live beyond my sixties

I'd have taken better care

Of myself in the sixties

I CONCENTRATE, EVERY SECOND

 

I concentrate, every second

I can never slack

Once my dad let his mind wander,

And it never came back

MILESTONE 70 # 2

You gain knowledge, dignity

Tolerance and serenity

As you get older without a doubt

And then your teeth fall out.

 

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 235

 

As I was going by Charing Cross,

A cyclist ran me down of course

ARE YOU WEARING A MANLY CHIN?

 

Are you wearing a manly chin?

All dimply and square jawed

Very good looking indeed

But I bet you’re as dumb as a board

I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 11

 

I love you by any measure

You might wish to use

But I don’t know how to express

The way I feel about you

And the affect you have on me

So, I hope this gives you a clue

If you were a delicacy

Then I would say you are

Without a doubt

Beluga caviar

LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 5

 

You've reached the big four-0

You're getting old and so

It’s time for you to take it slow

It may not be what you wished

But make up for what you’ve missed

Grab a bottle and then get pissed

I WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE THIRTY

 

I would never have known you were thirty

You're not at all like a thirty-year-old

You are very youthful in many ways

But the giveaway, if I may be bold

Was not your youthful appearance at all

Your taste in music was your downfall

MILESTONE 60 # 5

 

Wow you look good for your age

And it was hard for me to gauge

But what proves you are an old man

Is that you’re a Jim Reeves fan

UNDER ANY CONCEIVABLE CIRCUMSTANCE

 

Under any conceivable circumstance

I wouldn’t hesitate to admit

I would much rather be over the hill

Than find myself under it

OLD GEEZER FOR SALE

50 year old,

Needs TLC, well used

One previous owner

No reasonable offer refused

I DOUBT IT BUT IF IT’S ACTUALLY TRUE

 

I doubt it but if it’s actually true,

And it’s not an exaggeration,

And things do get better with age

Then I must have reached perfection

AGEING IS LIKE FINE WINE

 

Ageing is like fine wine

It gets better with age

But in your case 

It was corked at some stage

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 234

 

Miss Jane had a bag

It was robbed in a minute

She opened the bag

And a scouser was in it

ARE YOU WEARING CAST OFFS?

 

Are you wearing cast offs?

I don’t actually care

As long as I see them cast off

Onto my bedroom chair

I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 10

 

I love you by any measure

You might wish to use

But I don’t know how to express

The way I feel about you

And the affect you have on me

So I hope this gives you a clue

Without you in my world

My cup is empty

But your love fills me

To the brim you see

MILESTONE 60 # 4

I don’t want you to think that today

I think of you as a little older

I wouldn’t think that on your birthday

Actually, I think of you as a lot older

MILESTONE 60 # 6

Your body is showing signs of wear

But you're still young at heart

And you’re in good shape to be fair

It’s hard to tell that you’re an old fart

THE EVOLUTION OF MAN

From good boy

To a nice kid

A promising start

Then from a great guy

To a fine man

And finally, an old fart 

YOU ARE PASSED YOUR PRIME

 

You're not really old, though

You are passed your prime

But you’ve not been young

For a very, very long time

WITH OLD AGE COMES WISDOM

With old age comes wisdom

Which is enlightening

And we learn to avoid

Things that maybe frightening

Like choosing candlelight

Instead of fluorescent lighting 

DON’T PLAY SECOND FIDDLE

 

Don’t play second fiddle

Don’t be a mistress, be a wife

You must always be

The leading lady in your own life

LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 4

 

You've reached a milestone

A really significant age

You've joined the over 40's

You have turned a new page

So happy birthday darling

I hope you enjoy your surprise

Because now you’re forty

Your age matches your bust size

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 233

 

Leg over leg,

As the man went to Dover;

When he came to a girl

He got his leg over

ARE YOU WEARING A CONDOM?

 

Are you wearing a condom?

At your age you really have no hope

Sex at ninety-six will be like

Trying to shoot pool with a rope

I LOVE YOU BY ANY MEASURE # 9

 

I love you by any measure

You might wish to use

But I don’t know how to express

The way I feel about you

And the affect you have on me

So, I hope this gives you a clue

Without you in it, my world

Is monochrome

But your love colors it

With every conceivable tone

WELL YOU’VE REACHED AN AGE

 

Well, you’ve reached an age

So have a happy birthday

So now really spoil yourself

And take two naps today

THINK ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING

Think about global warming

When you look at your cake

Lighting all those candles

Would be a very big mistake

IT'S NATURAL TO BECOME QUIETER AS WE AGE

It's natural to become quieter as we age

It’s just another old age sin

It’s not easy to talk at the same time

As holding your stomach in 

BIRTHDAY TELEGRAM

Bad news, Her Majesty isn't sending you

A telegram this year, but don’t despair

There is nothing to be concerned about

She's happy to know you're halfway there

IN THE NINETIES WE ALL LOVED TO DANCE

 

In the nineties we all loved to dance along to

Billy Ray Cyrus and his “Achy Breaky Heart”

Now I’m approaching my seventies I've got

Achy, breaky everything and I’m falling apart

LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 3

 

You’re forty years old

Which is when, they say

Life begins for you

On that most special day

But if you drink too much

You will certainly pay

Because now you’re old

You’ll be hungover all day

THE YOUNG BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

 

The young beautiful people

Think they are acts of nature,

But the beautiful old people

Know they’re works of art for sure

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 232

 

Rim strim stram-a-diddle

Larra-bum-a-ring ting

Rig-num bulletin a-ky-mo!

Ah that’s Jazz man

ARE YOU WEARING SOME PROTECTION?

 

Are you wearing some protection?

Why would I be talking about a condom?

I just wondered if you had decided

To put your long raincoat on

RAMBHA

 

Rambha, Apsara

Of the clouds and waters

In Hindu and Buddhist mythology

A celestial nymph

And celestial maiden

A beautiful supernatural being

Youthful and elegant,

Who dances to the music

Of the Gandharvas,

In the palaces of the Gods,

Entertainer and seducer

Of Gods and men

An ethereal being

Inhabiting the skies