THE PRICE OF PROSTHETIC LIMBS

 

The price of prosthetic limbs,

Unless you opt for the peg,

Is absolutely astronomical,

They cost an arm and a leg

I WAS TOLD I NEEDED A BRAIN TRANSPLANT

 

I was told I needed a brain transplant,

But I didn’t want anything of that kind

But the Doctors kept going on at me

So eventually they changed my mind

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 16

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

The staff did not fill me with a sense of security

As I was going under I heard the surgeon say

“Hand me that...uh...that uh... doohicky”

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 15

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

The staff did not fill me with a sense of well being

As I was going under, I heard the surgeon say

“It’s a shame Page 47 of the manual was missing!”

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 14

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

The staff did not fill me with a sense of security

As I was going under I heard the surgeon say

“I think this blade is sharp enough, don't worry”

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 13

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

The staff did not fill me with a sense of security

As I was coming around I heard someone say

“I hope this patient has already had a family”

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 17

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

And all the staff did was make me worse

As I was going under I heard the surgeon say

“No I said remove his spectacles nurse”

HOW WAS THE OP DOCTOR?

 

He woke up and said

“How was the op Doctor?”

“I’m not your Doctor,

I’m afraid, I’m St Peter”

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 12

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

And was fearful the procedure would be a botch

And as I was coming around I heard someone say

“Did anyone see what I did with my watch?”

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 11

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

The staff did not fill me with confidence.

As I was coming around, I heard someone say

“Did anyone see where I left the instruments?”

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 10

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

The whole surgical team acted like comedians

As I was going under I heard the surgeon say

“Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!”

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 9

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

Afterwards in recovery I heard “oh fuck it!,

“Someone call the janitorial services

We're going to need a mop and bucket!”

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 8

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

And the anaesthetist was a bit of a bore

He said “Oops! Does anyone know if a patient

Has ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?”

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 7

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

Afterwards in recovery I heard an exchange

Of converse between the attending clinicians

“What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?”

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 6

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

And the anaesthetist thought he was funny

When the nurse dropped a scalpel he said     

“Sterile, shcmerile. the floor's clean, really”

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 5

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

And the surgeons were a couple of arses

One of them said to the other “I bet now

You wish you hadn't forgotten your glasses.”

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 4

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

And the surgeon thought he was a riot

He held up the x-ray and said “Wait a minute,

If this is his spleen, then what the hell is that?”

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 3

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

And the anaesthetist thought he was funny

When the nurse dropped my notes he said

“Don’t lose them, we may need them at autopsy”

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 2

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown

“Did this patient sign the organ Doner form?”

He said as I was lying there in my gown

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 1

I went into hospital for minor surgery

And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown

“Accept this sacrifice, O Lord of Darkness”

He said as I was lying there in my gown