OMNIBUS ETIQUETTE

 

“When I was on the bus with Dad,

He told me to give up my seat to a lady”   

A little boy told his mum “good boy

You were right to listen to your daddy”

“But mum you don’t understand”

He said “I was sitting on daddy's knee”   

NONRELIGIOUS KIDS ARE ILL-INFORMED

 

Nonreligious kids are ill-informed 

When asked the difference between

The New and Old Testament

Only one child bothered to speak up

And he thought the Kindle version

Must be the New Testament

A TODDLER STARTS CHEWING ON A SLUG

 

A toddler starts chewing on a slug

As mum looks on and squirms

But she asked what it tasted like

And the toddler replied “Worms”

GRAMPA’S DARKEST DAY

 

Darkness descended since

We lost our brightest light

Daddy carries you in his arms

In that tiny coffin gleaming white

Goodbye my precious little angel

I will see you in the sky tonight

THE GENERAL CONSENSUS

 

The general consensus

Is that it is inappropriate

To spank a child, and rightly so

Therefore, with my own children

And grandchildren for that matter

I adopted a different tack

Whenever one of the little darlings

Goes into “meltdown”

I take the unhappy child

For a ride in the car

Where I find it possible to talk to them

Some say it's the cars vibration

Or the rhythm of the vehicle

Or maybe it’s just escaping

The modern-day gadgets

Whatever it is I always find

A twenty-minute car ride

With them tied to the roof rack

Always does the trick

THE CHILDREN LIKE TO SING

 

The children like to sing

In the family broom, broom

Anything and everything

The kids call them cartoons

I WAS RAISED AS AN ONLY CHILD

 

I was raised as an only child

By my father and mother

Which really pissed off

My sister and my brother

WHERE DID I GET MY INTELLIGENCE?

 “Dad, where did I get my intelligence?'

The young schoolboy asked his father

“Well son as I still have mine” he said

“You obviously got it from your mother”

MY SON HAD A EUREKA MOMENT

 

My son had a eureka moment

And I was quite impressed

He discovered that the volume knob

Could also turn to the left

ORIGINAL FAIRY TALES

 

Original Fairy Tales

Were not devised

To scare children

And inform them

That monsters existed

Children already knew

There were monsters

What Fairy Tales did

Was to teach children

That monsters

Could be beaten

 

TINY THING

 

Tiny thing

A new baby

Totally dependent

A new life

That new Parents

Have to keep alive

Like a Tamagotchi

But without a reset

I HEAR A SINGING CHILD

 

I hear a singing child

Innocently engrossed

In childish play

Singing sweetly

To her audience of dolls

Safely oblivious

In her enchanted world

Would that it could

Always be that way

CHURCH CONTROVERSY

 

At our church there is

Something of a controversy

In regards to when a foetus

Can be considered a baby

A few of us believe that

An unborn foetus in Surrey

Only becomes viable when

It has graduated university

MY KIDS ARE MAD AT ME

 

I put Ginger in the Curry

And my kids are angry at that

I thought it was very tasty

But they really loved that cat

YOU SHOULD NEVER RAISE YOUR HANDS TO YOUR KIDS

 

You should never raise

Your hands to your children

And for that, there

Is a very good reason

Not that I’m saying

They shouldn’t be corrected

But you must never

Leave your nuts unprotected

I REMEMBER LIKE YESTERDAY

 

I remember like yesterday

That cold and crispy morn

And just how proud I felt

On the day my son was born

WHERE THE WHITE RABBIT WENT

Where the white rabbit went

Then young Alice followed

And down a rabbit hole they went

And both of them were swallowed

BABY CARE UNIT

 

I just heard about an incident

That is reportedly true

Concerning a hospital

That has caused a to do

About the baby’s face

Somebody taped a dummy to

Well, I have kids myself

And I would, wouldn’t you?

A LOVING ATMOSPHERE

 

A loving atmosphere, at home,

Is such an important thing

A tranquil harmonious home

Is vital to your well being

Do all you can to create one

By not having offspring

WHEN THE CHILDREN WERE YOUNG

 

When the children were young

They just gave me a headache

Now that they’re older

They are more of a heartache